Well, that about sums it up. In between there was an hour of yelling from me to my boss and my boss to me. I was fed up and got so so very fucking angry, there was no stopping. There were several points where I could have made a, well, possibly wiser, or more mature decision but I was so fed up that I did not want to do that.
What went down: there was a crisis in the place today. We were halfway through the day when somebody noticed that the shipping plan we fulfilling was not synchronised with the production plan of the day and not with the packaging plan. Normally these are all the same so that we produce, pack and label what we need to ship. Logical. Today somebody made a tiny but mistake with a big result and handed out the wrong shipping list so we had an unexplained huge shortage in one product and an immense overproduction in the other. It was only at noon (after 4 working hours) that somebody realised what had happened. Obviously the boss was very much stressed out because we work with fresh produce with a limited expiration date and the ordering of raw product is also according to the production list. Right before the weekend one does not ‘stock extra’ expirable stuff so it the shit hits the fan, it hits real hard.
Due to the constant issues and difficulties we were having the packaging team I work in was losing its interest and slowing down dramatically. I was thinking: ‘If we want to get out of this shit as good as we can AND still do the extra work which will be coming up later we really really need to get out of this mode.’ So I started joking around a little to change the atmosphere and at some point we got the spirit back and had a packing contest in who was the quickest. This was HILARIOUS. So we were having fun and working our ass of when the boss walks in and without pause says to me and me only: “YOU! SHUT UP AND WORK!!!”
I could not deal. I could not let it ‘slide off’. She walked off and so did I. Got into my civies and just when I was about to walk out she noticed and asked me where I was going. I said “I’m off.”
“Because I have had enough of you and the way you treat me.”
“If you walk out now you do not have to come back on Monday!”
“Well, there is that settled than.” (pissed off, decisive, and I walked off)
“BECAUSE I AM FED UP WITH YOU AND THE WAY YOU TREAT ME!!!! WHATEVER YOU SAY IS FUCKING DEMEANING, I SEE NO REASON TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO ANY OF THAT.”
“I AM IN A BIG SHIT HERE!”
I was already unlocking my bike when she yelled after me “Give me back the uniform!” which I had, out of habit, put in my bag to wash at home. So I walked back, heavy chain lock in my hand, thought I should leave that outside because I did not want to look like I was threatening somebody, walked in and put my gear on the table and walked back to the exit. She asked: “So you are not coming back this Monday?”
“I WANT THAT ON PAPER! YOU SIT HERE AND TYPE UP YOUR LETTER OF RESIGNATION!”
These dynamics, they are really strange. I had just quit and when I walked over I was wondering why I was doing what she ‘asked’.
So I typed that I resigned my job because I was ‘fed up with the demeaning behaviour of my boss.’ Literally. She got confused then required that I signed that. Wonder why. Guess she was trying to see how far I would carry this. Well, don’t ever dare the Don Quichotte in me :-/. I am not proud on how at that moment this is not a decision anymore, it is a biggest dickest contest. 😦 Well, I was done.
She mellowed down and required me to sign the paper which I was going to do so I followed her to the office. She required a talk which became a shouting match within 1 second. For those who do not know me: not ever in my life have I gotten myself into a fight with any partner I have lived with, not ever have I shouted as somebody untill I came to work here. I have always pre-emptively (is that a word?) made sure that people I had to work with could speak about any grudge they have/had with me by inviting them to speak out. Obviously something changed. I guess now I do not drink anymore I need to learn to deal. There is no way out anymore. Not sure if this whole thing was another way of self destructing or actually standing up for myself, in an extreme way.
We spoke, yelled. I told her I found behaviour sexually intimidating. She told me that the guys say worse sexual things to and about me behind my back (nice touch that last bit, she has done that before to make me feel unsure). I yelled at here that anything between me and the guys is horizontal, not vertical in the chain of command so that leaves it up to me to say back WHATEVER I like. I listed the things she has said to me and at first she denied, and I do think she really did not remember, but that only made me angrier and yell harder. Ghegheghe, this is so weird to look back upon. Wonder what you think when reading this. Wonder what I will think when reading this when the adrenaline is finally out of my body. It has been 7 hours since, my heartbeat is still unstable.
She kept on denying things and saying that I should have said so before and finally; “You are such a strong woman, why do I hear about this now, and not when it happened?” It was not a question, she was complimenting and then blaming me. So I
told yelled that I was sick of these demeaning way of asking questions and that this is EXACTLY how intimidation works.
“Why did you not SAY anything?!!!!!!”
“Because that is how intimidation works!!!!!”
“But WHY did you not say anything?!!!”
“Because that is how intimidation works!!!!!!!! That is what happens when you call somebody a whore, when you ask after their first sexual experience at the first workday, when you speak about my privates calling them a wet mussel.”
“BUT WHY DID YOU NOT SAY ANYTHING?!!!”
“BECAUSE THAT IS HOW INTIMIDATION WORKS!!!!! PEOPLE STOP SAYING THINGS!!!!!!”
“But this is a horizontal organisation, I am not above somebody? You can tell me anything?!”
I did not give a reply to that. I had told her before that she is the boss. Funny how I hold back there. My therapist says that this is exactly her problem: she does not want to be ‘the boss’. Oooh, she actually literally said that; “I am no boss.” She started crying over that. That was strange. It was actually really strange how I felt sorry for her at that moment. She told me about her worries for the company and for some of the employees having problems with their taxes or residence permit and how she helps them after work. Her notion is soooo out of reality. Like I’m going to fire her when she does not perform or sexually intimidates me. Pfffff…. As I said, my therapist says this is the heart of her problem where she does not want to be boss. I realised that I from the beginning have done a nasty thing and that is excluding her. Showing very much that she is not ‘in-crowd’. I did not realise that I did that but I do. Nasty revenge. I am not proud of that.
It is getting late and my heart is tired, I need to sleep. We ended up coming to an agreement that I can, at any time I think she is demeaning or intimidating stop the conversation and point that out to her. I never thought I could return in my steps but I believe this can work and that it is EXACTLY what I need to learn anyhow and hahaha, I might be her karma too. Ghegheghe. Dunno. Time will learn if we can keep this up.
For the record: she kept on saying that she did not order me to leave which I kept replying that I can very well leave on my own accord (MG, what a drama) and then she changed to that she did not want me to leave. That was strange. She said she likes me in the team, she say the guys like me in the team. At some point she also said that if the guys did not like me so much and did not appreciate the amount of work I do in a day she would have chucked me out long before. I forgot why. She thinks I fit in very well with the weird bunch of people who work there (yes, almost everybody is weird, true). She said the only issue she has with me is that I chatter too much and sometimes lose focus with counting and doing stuff. I do chatter, I don’t think she is irritated by the chatter as much as she is irritated by me doing that. And well, yes, I don’t drink, I don’t have a life and unlike her I am not on a diet so I am awake in the early morning.
We said goodbye, argued like cats and dogs again and finally hugged. Yes! And that was good. 🙂 How strange? Strange. I said goodbye to my colleagues and ‘See you on Monday.’ Everybody seemed very relieved that I come back.
I realise that I can only pull this off once. I believe her when she says she wants to learn. I also expect/think to know that in practice that will be difficult and different since this destructive behaviour is so engrained in her daily routine. She told me she actually believes this is how people in our line of work speak with each other. But I believed her intention. It is my intention to speak up and not flare up again. I must try to keep more level-headed. Whenever anything happens at work I feel like I am in my worst drunk PMS sugar high mode ever. Does anybody have that too?
Well, my nice colleague had gone back to my bike to lock it with the chain. Sweet. 🙂 I asked him to advise me on what to do, stay or leave. He gave me exactly the advice which made me flare up even more so that did not work. 🙂
3 Hours after I left she called to check up on me. She told me that she had spoken with the guys and told them what had come to pass and what my issues with her were. Not sure if I would appreciate if they say I think she is intimidating. We shall see. She was worried that I would worry the whole weekend. I do not think so. I had uncoupled (is that the right word?) so thoroughly that I would not fall for pretend nicety anymore so I would not have hugged if I did not think it was sincere. So, I guess I am ok-ish. Not proud of my anger flaring up. Very aware though of how necessary it is/was. Timing is nasty. I did tell her that I am aware that my timing for walking out sucked.
So, all that I did. What I did NOT do, and only found out later is that I did NOT tell her that I thought she tried to poison me with the alcohol. I did not tell her so because I did not want to let her see how vulnerable I was / am there. So yeah. First I though this was a bad thing, to let stuff untold when saying that you are saying everything. Now I think it is ok-ishlike. Well, actually, well, not sure.
There was a work-friend of my boss at the workplace when I unleashed. When I finally tore up my resignation letter she dropped her head on her laptop and said ‘Thank god!’ Not sure what it would be to her. It was strange. Boring detail. I only note this down for later reference.
My boss goes on holiday in a week. I had forgotten about that. When she started crying she also outed that she just wanted rest and rest and rest and wanted to go on holiday. I really felt for her there and then. Then again: I helped pay for it for putting 130% of work in an hour which she never seems to appreciate. Which I told her. Pffff. Sigh. Need to get this of my chest more than it is now because my heart is still fluttering. Could be from the halloumi cheese too. It was on sale so I have been eating that for 4 days now. Not that you are interested :-D.
One thing I do not understand is how she cried out in despair; “But you are older than I am?! How can you not say stuff?!” It is only now that I realise this. Funny in a not funny way. She really does not realise that she is the boss. Age does not matter there for me. Well, complicated, unless I follow my intentions. So, well, we will see. 🙂
A woman who loves herself would: not eat too much chocolate because her heart is already troubled. She would call her therapist to sort things out. She would call friends and speak with them. She would make tea for herself. She would write. And she would make very very sure not to self destruct. The last bit is still a bit difficult. My thoughts want to run to ‘You see; you are stupid! She has every right to be destructive’. Ooh, it is hard to write this down because part of me wants to believe it because it is my old track. I counter that thought with: she might like it to destruct but I do not like it to be subject of that so I WILL leave if she does that again.
By the way: when she realised that she had been calling me names and saying inappropriate stuff she was astonished and said she would take it up with her management to make sure this did not go unnoticed. I believe her intention. Not sure if she is going to fill it in.
Well, I am still a bit flabbergasted but ok-ish with what I did. Let’s see how tomorrow looks.
Hahah, hope you had a better workday than I did :-D. Wishing you a good sober weekend where you are happy that you quit. 🙂 I am happy that I quit but I feel like I am in the zone where I need to take care. I am afraid that the reminder of the alcohol taste in the cake of last week is part of that deal. Maybe I should set up an account for my alcohol desensitization course again. Yes. I will.
Today I wondered who I would call with my emergency call, I had been crying and could not see what I typed on the phone. When I put on my glasses I read ‘AA’. 🙂 Well, maybe that is a thought. Obviously somebody there will know how to deal with anger.
Addition: Bwaahahaha, ‘Happy that I quit’ well, yes, that did only now hit home. Bwaahahahaaa. Arrrrr, ooh, control, looking for some.