Cake with cognac

Just got home from work. Not sure how I feel. My boss had been getting at me the whole morning and that was tough. I try to keep on thinking ‘how somebody behaves and what they do is their business, not mine. But it was difficult. Others told me she was pissed off with me for taking yesterday off. I told her it was about my mothers dying day anniversary. She had forgotten to note it down so when she arrived at work she was surprised that I was not present. Strange because they day before I has specifically told a colleague that I had the day off and she was standing next to me so, well, beats me.

Just before I left she came carrying a piece of cake sort of telling me to eat it ‘Have some cake! Have some cake! Here, come sit with me!’ I sort of joked something about E-numbers; trying to not have to eat the cake. “No, no, no E-numbers.” I had no clue what it was about. I thought she wanted to speak about stuff so I sat down. She kept on rambling and looking at me conspicuously while I ate the cake. I kept on thinking: something is very wrong but I can’t find what. There is something with the cake but I can’t well, I guess I thought ‘read it in the air’ because that is what I do if I don’t know stuff. But that is another subject. She kept on pushing the cake:Β  “Nice cake, not? Very nice cake.” I agreed. She kept on pushing;Β  “I specifically like the bottom. I specifically like the bottom” “Yeah, baked well.” I was wondering what it was all about until I got the last bite: “Does contain alcohol though. Did you not notice?” “No, I did not. Must have baked out.” I did not show any fright or concern, I already felt that she was trying to poison me, just did not know how yet. That I could not read in the air.

I went home, threw up. Cried. Started writing. Fucking bitch. She knows I do not take in any alcohol. I told her what I tell others: it makes me depressed to the point of becoming suicidal.

Obviously the alcohol baked out mostly. The cake was baked by a colleague, the crust was really thin and prebaked. He put it in his dough which is shortbread, you can’t really put a lot of alcohol in there and still keep it as short and crisp as it was so I guess quantity wise I am ‘safe’. I do feel like I overdosed on sugar. My mind is angry, looking for trouble. I am sad, feel like she wants to humiliate me, feeling the pain of that. I want to trash things, break things, kill myself just to get out of this world and this situation. But other than than I am fine. Which in itself is a funny sentence I guess.

She is a sadist and likes torturing women especially.

I find it difficult to leave because I can not seem to get my life in order to be able to do so. That must change. What would a woman who loves herself do? First I will allow myself to cry over this, no matter how hard most people say I should not let it get to me. It does get to me and I find it difficult that somebody can want to be so mean to me. What the fuck did I do to her? I always think that she feels threatened by my vulnerability. I am an open book. I can not lie very well. The looks of contempt she give me are difficult to deal with. 😦 I find it very difficult now. Cunt.

Well, sorry for my French. This is how it is today. πŸ™‚ I’m going to read he comments on my 2 year sober post from yesterday now. Ghegheghe… I am so VERY VERY VERY happy this ‘incident’ did not happen 2 days ago. I think I would have been a whole lot more upset then. Now I somehow have the ‘I have 2 years booze free’ medal in my heart and mind. Which is good. I am happy that I quit. πŸ™‚

Thank you for reading. Sorry for my French.

I am happy that I quit. Because because of quitting I know have an idea of how to deal with this. I have had a warning that alcohol is still a no-go area for me. I have been warned that my standard reaction to difficulty is still ‘I want to kill myself.’ Which, for anybody who is worried: I will not do. I will take extra care of me, ok, and an extra bag of chips, and start cleaning my house because that is what a woman who loves herself would do. She would deal with things, or at least try to learn to deal. Which is what I need to do. Write it out, cry about it. Try to differentiate between the other trying to put me down and me trying to put me down. See where I take over in this relay called beating up Feeling.

I am surprised, in a not funny way in how destructive I can be towards myself. In my behaviour, in the way I feel about myself, in the way I behave when with people. I can not find the word but it is amazing, without the good feelings of amazing to it. So much learning opportunity. So much not wanting to learn this because it hurt. I guess this is it: I NEED to take this step where I keep aware of what is going on because that is where the change is. If I don’t take a look atΒ  this I will only find more bosses and people who will treat me like this. It is a karma thing, as long as I do not stand up for myself and learn to keep nasty people out of my energy, I will keep on being a target for others who feel like projecting their own issues on me. I need to let go of this poor-me approach but shit, why do I have to do the work when she is the bitch? πŸ˜€ Ghegheghe, that is a joke. And next to that I mean it. :-(. Ghegheghe…

On we go. I am happy that I quit. πŸ™‚ ❀

I hope you are happy that you quit too. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling


21 thoughts on “Cake with cognac

  1. That is so unbelievably horrible…
    Is there a hr department? Someone to make an official complaint?

    I am so sorry…

    You are awesome. She clearly doesn’t love herself.

    I must find yesterday’s post! I am in Las Vegas and have limited internet!


    Liked by 1 person

    • It is horrible. I feel sick when I think of it. I will make complaints when I leave. Not earlier. And no, she has no idea of the word love. She does know about need and greed. 😦 But I must learn to deal with this. There is no other way in that.
      Enjoy Las Vegas!
      xx, Feeling


  2. HI, Feeling. Holy shit, this made me so angry there was vein popping out of my forehead. Fucking sociopath bitch!! So as for the WWAWWLHD, I’d say don’t worry about why you are her target, it’s not you — it’s her. The only thing you could change is to be a different person. Other than that, it really is time to move on and find another job. Now I’m not YOU, and of course that’s always easy to SAY, and I have no idea what this takes for you or how difficult it would be. But the toxicity in this situation is so far beyond normal that you will never have peace there. I’ve had a lot of shitty jobs and none of them were this shitty. Haha!
    Also I wonder (again, not privy to specifics) if her behavior can be reported to Human Resources, upper management, etc?? I’d say it’s borderline criminal and definitely immoral. Not sure if any of that is an option but I thought the perspective of YES THAT IS VERY WRONG AND NOT NORMAL might be helpful. ANYWAY!! Congratulations on your two years!! You are amazing! No matter how shitty it gets you are still sober and that is a very good thing.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for being angry for me. Reading this shapes my borders where I could not give them shape before. I will not report anything unless I have another job. I am pretty sure she is really really dangerous when she wants to be.
      Toxicity is the word. I need to find another job. And yes still sober apart from being force fed cake with alcohol. :-/. Amazing under dog behaviour of mine to realise that I am being poisoned somehow and not react. That IS something I need to work on. πŸ™‚ Aaargh! New job, new job, new job. πŸ™‚ Working on it. πŸ™‚
      Thank you!
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Shit! That’s dreadful behaviour. You have more self control than me I would have wanted to tell her to shove her cake up her ass and fuck off… It’s a safe bet that the inside of her head is an extremely unpleasant place to live, she obviously has so many demons up there they are spilling out and running around hassling other people. Don’t worry about the alcohol it will have baked off. Hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, well, unfortunately my ‘self control’ was not about self control but about being fascinated and stuck / frozen in the perpetrator-victim relation.
      Her demons are pretty dark yes. 😦
      Thank you for your comment and special thanks for the comment on the alcohol content. This is a difficult situation where hearing things from the outside is really helpful to stabelize me. πŸ™‚ So, thank you. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t believe this. What a bitch!
    Feeling, honey, you HAVE to get yourself out of that situation. You alone are responsible for getting unstuck. My sister once told me that when we stay in unhealthy situations we block all the good stuff that’s trying to reach us. You always have options. I know it does not seem like it sometimes, but if I were you I would be sending out resumes every single day. The job you leave this job for does not have to be your dream job. It can just be the job for now, that gets you out of this place.
    I know you have the strength to do it. You are the only one who can. I’ve been off wordpress for a while and the last post I read the last time I was on was also about this mean bitch and intolerable situation.
    It’s time to stand up for yourself honey, it’s time to love you enough. Look at it as an anniversary present to yourself. πŸ™‚ Hugs and love and courage.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That is what the issue is indeed: time to love myself ENOUGH to make changes. I am not doing that because doing that would mean that I have to stand up and I fear that. Which, I guess, is what she is after. I spoke with my SIL tonight, she is amazed at how many extremely abusive people I meet in the worksphere. Time for me to stand up indeed. Walk towards happier pastures. πŸ™‚
      Thank you for your support. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Your boss is an evil bitch. Unfortunately there are too many of them out there that get satisfaction from making other people feel bad about themselves. It’s fucking awful and I feel so sad you experienced it. I feel sadder because of your comment about letting people do it to you and thinking it will keep happening. Although it’s not your fault there is some truth in the fact that if you don’t do or say something, nothing will change.

    I had a boss- she was exactly like this. She is the person that I blame for eventually causing me to have a nervous breakdown and I nearly drank myself to death. When I returned to work, I found the courage to not only let her know she would not bully me but I reported her to her boss and that resolved the situation. Once she was outed as a mega bitch, she decided to leave. I wonder where I found the strength but I hope that you can find the strength to do something too. Report her, let her know you will not be manipulated or get out of there.

    In the meantime, maybe you can tell her how much you enjoyed the cake and make a point of getting the recipe. That will be an unexpected outcome for her.

    Good luck, be strong and take some positive action – it will be better xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your comment. Sorry to hear that you had to go through such a deep valley to get to the point where you are now. :-/ And yes to the: take action. But I am not there yet where I can believe in myself and fight. But I can take the Ghandi approach with asking her why she does things when she does things. I have done that before because she often just insinutes things. Asking what she actually means is very effective. Need to work on finding my center from where I can do that. Aaahrg. I wish I could skip this lesson. πŸ˜€ I want it to be ‘fixed’ πŸ˜€ (says the addict within… ;-))
      xx, Feeling


  6. This is horrible and angering. I’m sorry it is happening to you. I will pray for new job vibes (either you or her…someone needs a new job so you can go to work in peace.) You deserve better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Louise! And again: THANK YOU very much for your support, for reading, for acknowledging, for commenting and for being the first to subscribe to this blog. I remember being totally confused over somebody subscribing! I had expected to be in the dark for a few more weeks. πŸ™‚ Ghegheghe, suddenly it all got serious. πŸ™‚ First I was like whaaaaaa! And then I was like wheeeeeee!!!! πŸ™‚ ❀ ❀ ❀
      I hope to maybe cross the Channel this year some time so we can have a tea together?
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi Feeling!
    Your boss is a horrible, and I think evil, person.
    I found this so upsetting to read.
    I think she must be a sociopath or psychopath.
    I am glad you cried, wrote and cleaned!
    One of my AA friends told me year 3 is so much better than year 2.
    So this will be your best year yet, with a new job!!
    Much Love,

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Wendy,
      Yes, to the happy year and yes to the new job! πŸ™‚
      Unfortunately also yes to the evil person. 😦 Well, I need to learn to let her be her whateverpath self and for me to keep her negativity out of me. That is what sobriety is all about: learning to decide what doors to open when and for what reason. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Wow! You’ve handled yourself with far more dignity than I could. I can’t believe someone could be so cruel and calculated. Definitely praying to the God of Jobs for you tonight (and the God of redundancy for bitch face)

    Well done for not letting her bring you down.

    Liked by 1 person

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