Watch your intentions

Watch your intentions,
for they become your thoughts.
Watch your thoughts,
for they become your actions.
Watch your actions,
for they become your life.

Monday last week I was 23 months sober and I celebrated that by ordering very much needed sandals. I had worn out my last Teva’s, to the thread and am now skipping happily on my new ones. ❤  🙂 ❤ Yay! Yes, I wrote about that before but I am so happy with them! They are a sober gift to me which I can wear all day. 🙂

In those 23 months I have seen may sober bloggers close their blog or disappear for a while to resurface with a header saying ‘day 1’. I am always happy when people return. Day 1 is infinitely better than drinking. And then again: I would advise anybody to only start day 1 when they are ready. Unless not being ready is given in by the addict. I made sure I had my last drink and KNEW it. I sort of mind fully drowned myself in alcohol, taking such a ‘dose’ that I would be sure I had enough. I did. I have the feeling my last drink is more than 23 months behind me. I (mainly) do not feel like I have another drink in me. Which is very comforting. I knew it was essential for me to only quit after I had had my last drink so I went looking for that. Which, yes, might sound very much like an addict making an excuse to drink. Not sure, I decided I would quit by myself one day, and then within 2 weeks I found my last drink. I actually think I did not bullshit myself there. I worked towards that last drink and after that did not drink again. Yuck, even the thought repels me. Brrrrr.

But still….. I have been wondering about learing sobriety and I have through the months realised that it goes in layers. First layers I did on the excitement of the do or die choice, on the power that is in hitting rock bottom and knowing it. Then the pink cloud kicked in big time so I was even more excited. 🙂 Through the first few weeks, months there were tiny moments, mainly seconds, where cravings or drink think popped up. Already then I thought ‘This goes in waves.’ but now I realise that it is indeed a process of uncovering the drinking behaviour, the drink think and the intentions. Layer after layer, which might be why at some moments in life it feels like I have to start ‘all over again’. Like I am new to life and living.

Well, that is when I ran into this poem / tile / quote which I actually twisted a bit to fit the purpose:

Watch your intentions,
for they become your thoughts.
Watch your thoughts,
for they become your actions.
Watch your actions,
for they become your life.

When getting sober / not drinking I learned to mind all these 3 levels. My intention was to ‘get clear’. I did not want the addiction between me and the world anymore. I did not want to feel that I had to lie and drink to protect myself. That meant I had to change my thinking and my actions. 🙂 Well, I did. And yeah, that is when the transfer addictions came in but I now take these as a part of the process. Obviously I could not do it differently otherwise I would have done it differently.

That is all for today. Bedtime again. I am still not writing about the horrible week I had at work. I fell into every trap of self flagellation there is and my boss happily joined me to rub it all in. I almost gave up my job, realising that the environment had become even more hostile than I am towards me. That is not good. I work, well, for the money, but also to get myself out of the darkness I was in. Last week I walked into it. All about trusting me, well, not trusting me. No confidence, nowhere, nothing, gone. I have had a 2 day weekend so it the dust has settled a little and I, bhwahahaha, I thought I could say ‘I see now’. I don’t see now, people told me that I should see now that it is not all that bad what I do. I do not believe it for a sec. I need to be perfect, ‘otherwise they don’t love me and I have no right to exist’. It is life threatening to me not to be perfect. 😦 Well, I am at a good place to learn to deal with it and I need to do soon otherwise not the outside world will do me in, but I will. Well, not literally, but this is how it feels. Again: things come in layers. Obviously somewhere I am not doing something. With this job with this destructive management I never know if I should quit or learn to deal. I have asked a colleague of mine to remind me that it is an adult thing to do to get another job before I give up this one. Bwaaaahahahaa, that would be a first.

😦 / 🙂 Gosh…. black and white, impulsive, no emotional control, extremist in anything. 😀 Well, I’ll get there one day. :-).

I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT. Ooh, imagine having to do this with alcohol. Nasty. Don’t imagine; it is not good. Not drinking = good. 🙂

Going to bed on time too. A woman who loves herself would go to bed now. But do the spellcheck too otherwise she fears that other people might think she is stupid. 😀 Which is actually a true thought. I also have this fear that people who do not know this is not my first language think I have been drinking when I make spelling mistakes. I throw that thought out of the window anytime it passes. It is good for the records to write it down thought. Get it out of my system. 🙂

So, a wwlh does spellcheck today! 🙂

Wishing you a nice beginning of the new week.

xx, Feeling