When will somebody find me?

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This week I found a lost girl, 6 years old, she had ran away. Guess I also need to say that I brought her back where she belonged :-D. Today I spotted the 5th (?) lost cat since I came to live here 12 years ago. I took my own cat in from the street here. The cat is also happy that I quit :-). Sitting in the communal (is that the word?) garden trying to connect to the stray cat: ‘When will somebody find me?’ Think I have done too much bonding to the stray already since I am sad and lost and lonely. I would really like somebody to put me together again when I fall apart. Not sure if that is a good relationship description though… :-/

Worked today, working 5 days a week fulltime due to other peoples holidays. I’m in a different position now, I need to do a lot of counting and calculating of the top of my head. I am pretty good at that, or must say: I am pretty good at that when I am not under pressure. This job IS under pressure. I screwed up big time today. My boss says she will replace me tomorrow afternoon “Not because I think you do a bad job, but because I can not afford to have things turn to shit when I am not here.” Which I understand. But it feels not good. I think she meant it.

I did such stupid things today. And when I said “Sorry for botching up you going home early” He said: “I do not mind, you are new at this.” I could not believe his words! Ever since the last post I have been struggling with the concept of doing things wrong and NOT beating myself up for it. I NEED that because the beating myself up actually takes energy I do not have with the lingering concussion and the not so lingering  but very present: “I do not want to be alive because I am scared to do this wrong.” The stupid thing is: I am well educated, this is an un schooled job. I have difficulty doing it. Not because I can’t, but because I am afraid I can’t. So, I have good practise every day to ‘be in the moment’ otherwise I screw up. Every so many minutes I have to fight the urge to run away. I guess this is how I have learned to deal in life, I guess this is what I need to change. My head keeps singing “I don’t want to be here.” That is not only about the work I fantasise I do wrong but it is also about life. I go through life while not wanting to be here. I think that is my biggest karma issue. All the first chakra things I botch up.

And I can write about this on end but I need to get to bed if I want to be performing tomorrow. 🙂 And I want to. I want to learn to do this right because it is practise in wanting to be here, in this life, and to keep my head clear, not zone out, not fade out, not well, not that. I want to be clear. Oooh, I so do not want to be clear. Well, that. CONTINUOUSLY. :-D. Again I am exactly where I need to be.

I am happy that I quit. Damn I would have eeeeeew, drank a lot today if I had not. Brrrrrrr, nasty. I’m off to bed. And no chocolate btw for today! By the time I was done with the stray cat it was too close to bed time to have any. I checked with the woman who loves herself and she says that going to bed is more important than the spell check and editing. Hope it is not too horrible.

I hope you are happy that you quit too. 🙂

xx, Feeling

13 thoughts on “When will somebody find me?”

  1. I know how you feel but if your boss would give you time and help,you would become confident in your job. Staying in the moment is key for me. It’s taken me a long time in one job to not dread going to work but it’s gotten better with practice and support. I have bad days but I can cope if I stay sober. We have to be kind to ourselves xx

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    • Hi Ruby,
      Thank you for your reply. It might not be nice for you but for me it is good to hear that there are people who also have confidence issues in their job. Not drinking has become the base from which I do stuff. Well, bwaaahahaha; there is no foundations so solid as rock-bottom. 😀
      I have worked in the same position with somebody else today; he totally blew it while having a year of experience so I guess I feel more confident now. (over the back of a collegue sort of, but I helped him out of the shit, so I guess I can rest in the thought that this position is indeed a tough place to be.)
      And yes to the kindness; ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’ very much helps me through the day. 🙂
      xx, Feeling

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  2. A friend recommended this book to me Feeling: Taming Your Outer Child: Overcoming Self-Sabotage – the Aftermath of Abandonment by Susan Anderson. Maybe this would help with your journey? 🙂 xx

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    • That very much sounds like an title for me. 🙂 Self-sabotage is a becoming a big thing. The other day I was wondering about the way I move through the sober blogosphere and I feel I keep on behaving like the Benjamin; always joking, never really taking responsibility, not playing by the rules, always looking for my own path, difficulty learning from others… and so on and so forth. Question: does this sound true to you?
      xx, Feeling

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  3. Hi Feeling,
    When I was teaching I felt inadequate so many times.
    (I too felt like running away, which I did with drinking for awhile.)
    Yet, I was doing a good job, even though I felt like a fraud.
    My principals told me I was a good teacher, the kids and parents thought so, but I always felt I could be so much better.

    You, dear person, are just perfect the way you are.
    Mistakes and all.
    xo
    Wendy

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  5. You should think higher of yourself than you do. Your words are always encouraging and insightful. I am no longer blogging. I am too vulnerable to expose myself, too emotional to be critisized by people who dont know me nor understand my situation. I will lurk instead. Still sober ☺

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    • Taking care of yourself is priority number 1.
      I had no idea that you were under scrutiny of others. 😦 Please let me know if I do/did something which upset you. My autistic father upbringing is sometimes very present. 😦 I wish I had more control. Working on it. 🙂
      I did not blog for a while too, and I guess I have considered stopping several times. Must be somewhere in my timeline. I want to leave the though here that you continue to write on WordPress but not publish it. Writing can be an enormous way of venting. Also: you can change the settings so that you can make a private setting for those whom you give access only. It is a bit lonesome sometimes but just mentioning it in case you were not aware.
      Hugs, Feeling

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      • I was told by someone that I talk too much about food. It hit a nerve seeing as food is one of my addictions! It made me feel very vulnerable. You have always been wise and caring with your words. I might start a private blog allowing only a few readees. I will see. I really can’t cope with hurtful comments when the journey is so fresh.

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      • No, and I have noticed in my journey that comments which are meant well can still be hurtful. It is, well, difficult sometimes. And sobriety: it is all about what you take in and leave out. This counts for comments too. But sometimes they come into the system before I am aware that I should have braced myself. :-/ That is more difficult.
        Btw: aren’t you allowed to speak about food on your own blog, well, in your own life? Strange reaction. 😦
        xx, Feeling

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