Turning destructive on me

Got turned down for a job interview which I screwed up totally. It was so bad that I actually apologised for wasting their time and the guy, a person I know from earlier on, did not even refute that but sort of agreed to it with mild but clear remarks.

So, how do I feel? (asks the post-it on my screen). I feel lousy. I feel like I suck at being me and on top of that my boss came down on me with her stupid remarks.

“Hey, you! Feeling! You are going to wear other pants tomorrow, not?!”

“No, these are my favorite shorts.” (besides I don’t have another summer pant)

“The are stupid!”

“Pffff, I think my ass looks very nice in these! Guys: what about my ass, looks good not?” (Yes from all sides at which I wiggle it. Did I really do that? Yes I did.)

“But you have been wearing them for 2 days now! That is not hygienic!”

“Not sure what you do in your pants but these are hygenic enough.” (I was so tired I did not even realise what I was saying. At which all the guys went like “Whoooooo, cat fight!!!!”) “Besides, I only wear them like 5 minutes to get here and then 5 minutes to bike home so what is your worry?” (apart from her not having to worry because I wear a totally different uniform for work which gets washed every day)

“Those shorts are hideous, just like the other one you had!” (just normal jeans which I cut off above the knee, the other one was hideous because 1 size too big, true, who cares? And this one fits perfectly. After having worn made to measure suits for years I am perfectly fine with a pair of selfmade short from a 2nd hand jeans.)

I was hoping I would get the other job so I could leave this jungle where I work now. I get (body) shamed every day by a person who, I guess this is relevant in this story, is 1,5 times my size AND has a bad figure but everything about me is ‘wrong’; “Dye your hair! I need a hot woman at the workplace!” “What you eat is GROSS!!!” (oatmeal porrigde) Her skirts are so short that you can actually see her crotch and half of her buttocks when she bends over. And she knows everything is visible. Because of her forcing her crotch on peoples retina the guys have made a ‘no bending over rule’ in the workplace. Gheghegheghe… Her (beautiful) decoltage is so deep that even the guys find it offensive. 😦 She actually pushed peoples heads in her bossom and then mentions that they have their head in her bossom.

Sooooo, I’m 46 years old. I think I should be dealing with this in a more adult way than shaming her back anonymously on a recovery blog. Or?

What would a woman who loves herself do? She would cry. She would admit that she is powerless of what the other person says. She would, in this case, admit that she is in no emotional state to actually confront her boss on this because she feels that the boss is somewhere right about all her shaming. That is why I am here not? Because I am a loser. 😦 And because I am that I resort to saying nasty things and shaming back. Where is the adult response to situations like this? It is not there. I am tired. Angry. Frustrated. Hungry. Lost and lonely but I feel I am not worth being in contact with people. Who would like me anyway now I screwed up so big and have these stupid pants. I feel locked up in a situation where there seems to be no escape. She will only respect me if I fight back. Why is that? She is continuously gaslighting me?

I don’t know what to do. I feel I should get out of this toxic situation immediately. That I have a right to not be attacked and continously walking on egg shells but I there is no base on what to do it. I am in no state yet to find work which is at my level because my brains don’t function. They just don’t. I can not handle any intellectual pressure, counting is difficult, I have come to a place where again I feel I don’t want to be in this body, in this world. That’s where I do this black and white addict thing: if not all is good, all must be bad. I feel I have no right to stand up for myself anyhow. That all of me what is and was is fake. That I have been found out as a loser.

When leaving I asked the guys what was wrong with my pants. Even one guy, who does not specifically like me, and who is in fashion on his days off said: “Nothing, do not let her get to you.” But even 4 guys saying so can not change my mind back to ‘normal’ because I don’t believe it. And yes, part of me is writing this very uncomfortable story down because I this underdog in me is begging for sympathy.

What I really need is to quit eating sugar. I still hide in sugar which makes me feel like I am dry, but not sober. I use is as an addiction. It is a transfer addiction. And I despise myself for it. Sometimes I don’t mind but every time I have a moment of real clarity, say once every two weeks, I realise that I NEED TO QUIT. But I don’t because I drown the clear voice in sugar. Clarity is hauntingly beautiful and overwhelmingly scary. When I am clear for a split second or a few minutes it is so obvious that what my boss does to me, and others, is not ok. And at that moment I have a polite request for her to change her behaviour. At moments like that I can choose what to let in and what to leave out, which I guess is the key to sobriety. I guess that is another wish for control. But I am thinking it is a healthy one. So why don’t I go there? Why is this blog one of many ‘I shoulds’ and very few ‘I do’s?’

Not connected but somehow I feel it is connected: lately I have begun to count the days till the 25th at which I always celebrate another month of sobriety. I have never done that. I do not believe in looking forward to sobriety dates because it is not an event, it is a process. Sobriety is not a counting thing, it is a feeling, selecting, acting thing. I feel, well, no pun intended but I feel I still don’t get past the feeling stage. I do not WANT the awareness that I need for selecting. I do not want to adult. I do not want to grow up. I do not want to be aware. Feeling thing in reality is tough enough for me as it is. I guess there are ways of not being thrown about by everything but I do not know the ways. Yes I do, but I don’t want them because that needs awareness. And ooh yes, when being aware I might realise that I am not totally awesome.

That is such a funny, funny psychological funny trick. Not sure how it works but I feel totally bad and a loser, than I start writing and bam! the mood changes and I am afraid to wake up because I might not be totally awesome. Fucking addict mentality. I feel I have to do SO MUCH and I don’t do any of it. I am just trying to survive instead of living. I guess that is what my boss is also doing: trying to make us walk on eggshells. At least 3 times a day I hear “Sssssht! She is coming.” I guess that is a quite a clear sign. 😦 Why TF am I writing all this? I am angry, angry that she makes me feel this way. But it is not her who makes me feel this way. It is I who responds to her insults by taking them in and owning them big time. True, her intention is sick. But that does not have to mean I buy it.

That realisation gave me 3 seconds time to step out of this mode and start to take care of myself. Burn some sage to get rid of the darkness. I am tired. I did not eat. I go juice some veggies now and go to bed. Tomorrow is another day and after that it is WEEKEND!

Sorry for boring you with this underdog moaning. I guess it is what I need to deal with big time. This is where this blog comes in ‘handy’: I don’t want to contact people in real life because I am so disturbed energetically that I can not deal. But I do want to feel, imagine (?) somebody reading this and, well, I don’t know, reading it and knowing about it. I can’t sleep now it is in my system. I am also happy that I am anonymous here so I can actually write about other people without feeling burdened with invasion of their privacy.

I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT in a tired and ungrateful not so happy way ;-). I realise that I would have been drinking a whole lot this evening if I had not been dry. Eeeehks! Sickening. This part of my life is tough because I have never learnt to deal with destruction. I have internalised it. Now I need to learn to separate this too. Like I separated from booze I guess. Aah, now THERE is an entry. 🙂 New practise: block the destructive thoughts even when I think I deserve them.

I wish you a good day/evening. 🙂 Thank you for getting this far in this nasty nasty post which I feel must make people uncomfortable. Sigh. If so: sorry. This is on my path currently. I need to learn to deal with it. No spell check, off to bed.

xx, Feeling