Saying no to knives cutting

Hey girls something NEW!!! I had this experience which made it so clear that it actually pays to be sober. 🙂 Well, yeah, I have been happy that I quit but with the concussion that feeling has somehow been dunno, overruled by some internal moaning about, well, everything and anything. But…. well, in earlier posts I have mentioned visions of knives circling my body and making cuts everywhere. It is not a nice thing to ‘experience’. I am not sure how they got introduced into my life (anymore). I can remember these images following situations in which I hurt so badly that I felt that if I cut my skin open, the hurt would ‘just’ come out. I never really did, not really really. The images however stayed and the knives got to lead a life of their own.

The other day the knives visited. I had been doing admin and paying a bill and the second I hit ‘transfer’ I opened up a new page in the admin folder (Hurray! Organisation!) which said I had already paid the bill. Or not, or… Dunno, can’t read it very well because of PANIC!!!! So I guess I’ll call them. I thought I was organised and then this happened and there came the knives. I looked at them and the only thing I felt was surprise and this ‘excuse me?!’ That would be in the way that you say “Excuse me asshole”. That was NEW. And strange. So something inside me tries to walk the old path of self-destruction and then the other part is totally surprised and doing this ‘talk to the hand’ thing. I find it really strange how this works internally. And next: I AM HAPPY that I could deflect this destructive vision. It is my understanding that this is very much a result of quitting drinking but even more of the ‘What would a woman who loves herself do’. Well, she would not stand in the way of those knives and she would not tolerate anyone, not even herself to behave like that.

Practising asking and answering the question ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’ has been on top of my list of things to do. Actually, it is the only, well, what I call sober practise I have apart from blogging and reading blogs. All things I do for me after I quit drinking are filed as ‘sober practise’. Maybe I should call it liberation practise :-).

The funny thing with this question is that I only answer it within my means. And it is normally something like:

– she would stop stressing over something she can not change
– put on socks because her feet are cold
– make some nice tea because she needs a break
– go to bed because actually she is really tired
– clean the house because she berates herself over not doing it
– enjoy cleaning the house because there is no use in disliking it
– even if she does not enjoy it at this moment not put energy in disliking it anymore, feeling neutral about it is better
– eating some chocolate because she thinks she has deserved that
– stop eating chocolate because she does not feel like it anymore
– have a nice meal
– spend money on vegetables to juice because she feels under the weather
– pat the cat because that makes her happy
– cry because actually she is very sad
– call a friend because she misses the friend
– take time to repair from what the boss says because she needs that
– go outside for a walk even though it is raining
– write a blog because things need sorting out
– go to bed during daytime because the concussion is bothering her.
– get out of bed to turn of the wifi
– get out of bed to make a hot water bottle
– get out of bed and take a shower because she thinks she would feel better after

I find it interesting and surprising how these tiny, tiny actions build up to me feeling better. You know, my cat used to bite hair of her legs and have some bold patches. Since I practise the WWAWWLHD questions she is growing hair there again. I also feel we connect better. And not only with the cat. I also feel I connect better with people because I connect better with myself. I can be nicer, I don’t have to use this hurtful humour I used to ‘like’ before I quit. I am learning to leave hurtful humour outside me when I encounter it in my surroundings. I start to realise more and more how we, in the family lacked real connection and security. My GP file from teenage time says ‘dysfunctional family’ more and more I am starting to see how this was true for every aspect of the family structure. Sad. 😦 Happy in a sad way that I am learning to things differently.

Also, I have started to (try to) live again. What I notice is that I am surrounded by sad situations and people. And EVERY person I meet tells me something sad they worry about. Guy at Facebook, haven’t spoken to him in months, pops up ‘finished with girlfriend’. Today I decided: stuff it. I am listening to you, and after that I let it go. By occupation I was consultant, if that is actually possible to be consultant by occupation (?). Well, in the field I consulted in I also do stuff, make stuff. I have not made something for a long long time and this week I have started on a project for my SIL. Funny enough the concussion still bugs me; while drawing up the technical specifications I noted that I was not able to think ahead so what I will be doing is a lot of trial and error. But that is ok. Take off the pressure and just make. Do. Ghegheghe, not think and write. 😉

So yes, I’m off!

I am happy that I quit.

I need: to continue learning to take care of myself and maybe step away from the idea that I am still a patient who needs treatment.

WWAWWLHD: make tea and eat blueberries 🙂

I take: no pills, 100 grams of 72% chocolate a day, some dates and I a pint of vegetable juice every second day now. It feels like it helps against the little lightning thingies I have in my head with the concussion (and staying behind the screen for so long…. :-/)

And I forgot the rest. The most important is being happy that I quit. I hope you are happy that you quit too. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober day!

xx, Feeling

6 thoughts on “Saying no to knives cutting

  1. I am glad you ignored those knives! Your thought process was along the lines of cut=release of pain. Same thought process happens for me with wine=release of emotional pain or shopaholics = release of emotional pain. Same addiction different format. At least I can recognise where that thought comes from now although never been attacked by knives…. Yet!

    I love your saying what would a woman who loves herself do. It is helping me too! And the cat has benefited from it!
    100g of dark chocolate a day sounds sooooo good 💛💜

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aah, sorry, I should have put a chocolate trigger warning in the header. 😉
      On the addiction format: yeah, I too think selfharming can be counted amongst addictions. Very happy I never went down that path in the literal sense. :-/
      Glad the WWAWWLHD question helps you. I got it from a vid from Teal Swan. I think I did a post on that, not sure when. I looked but I cannot find the video on YouTube anymore. Well, it is a good question. And this woman would drink some tea and go to bed because major headache out of the blue.
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Feeling!!
    I hope your headache went away.
    When I was weaning myself off of Zoloft (an antidepressant), I had horrible dreams of glass shards cutting me, with lots of blood.
    It was scary!
    I didn’t do much self-care today, although I did go golfing with a friend.
    But then I ate a whole container of dip!
    With chips!
    She would forgive herself for being human, eat some veggies for dinner, and eat healthy tomorrow!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Those are nasty dreams. 😦 Is that a common side-effect of weaning off Zoloft?
      Golfing, I can understand you got hungry ;-). Reminds me of my bag of chips! No, not the AA ones but I do have them for sober reasons: 22 months for me today! 🙂
      Wishing you a nice weekend,
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

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