Anger

Thought I could write something about anger. Not sure if I ever. Or did I? Hmmm, what I notice more and more is that I have this all or nothing attitude and it is pretty unstable. Today I almost quit my job because somebody did not turn down the radio when I asked, well, he changed the channel and so the song but not the volume, or possibly not enough for me to notice. Did I tell you he is the guy I think/thought/not sure might be in love with and that I had unfriended him on Facebook in my mind already? God I sound like a teenager… And then the guy dropped by at my table and handed me some left over goods he saved for me to take home and I melted and realised that there is no harm in what he does/did and if I want to know I should just ask. Not quit my job.

Actually, when writing this down I feel very much like, dunno, indeed a teenager. I know this anger from PMS, when I had PMS, or when I was aware of my PMS because I still had an M. Now I have this internal Myrena thingy, with progrestron hormones so there is no building up of lining, no embedding of the egg and no shedding of the lining so no M from the PMS. But maybe the S is still there :-D. I should track that. There should be an app for it. 😀

So, the first thing I thought when realising that my bank account was above zero was: ‘Ha! Now I’ve got some fuck you money again so I can quit my job when they push me too far again.’ I realised that I had not quit my job because I could not afford it. Can I add in here that I am genetically handicapped with this? My grandfather from my fathers side has quit at least 20 jobs because he did not like what the boss said. He once was in a new job on his first day and the boss ordered him to make coffee which was one of his tasks. But the boss forgot that according to my granddad, he should have asked that nicely. :-D. This was in the ’40 or ’50 of the last century: Europe lay in ruins because of the 2nd world war. Nobody had any money and there is my granddad saying ‘%#$@!! I quit! You bourgeois pig!’ And so my grandmother went out to find a cleaning job again, next to her 4 kids and household while he was at home ‘studying’ and demanding steak because this was said to be good for his brain. People only ate meat on Sundays in that time.

So, anger. Loads of it. And of the explosive type. Before I had a little money (well, like 1,5 months salaries left after almost paying everything…) I had the idea that this job would be a really really good place to learn to stand up for myself and deal with anger issues. Aah, that is how I view money…. ; a possibility to run away from the very much-needed growth process. Among the same lines I think I would not relapse over misery, I would relapse over winning the lottery. Freedom is still: to not feel, to not have to grow, to not have to develop, to not have to deal, to not have to adult.

I find it difficult to do things on my own. But I do not see how on earth anybody ever, would be interested in being with me in a relation. I mean, a lot of times I can’t even stand myself. I am learning to love me, but the foundings I guess are still rotten. No, that is not a good description. My pattern is to not love me. But I have learned a lot about loving me and doing the loving thing, to take care. So what do I feel I am lacking? Aah, I am lacking the consistent medium and long-term care. I only do the short-term like putting on socks and making tea. Currently my feet are blue because I am not wearing socks, and I am not drinking tea while thirsty. I have not deserved it obviously.

I feel stupid because I had a conversation with my boss today and I think she does not believe my concussion is real. Which is why I came home and have now, for almost 9 hours been self destructive with watching tv and doing other screen things while eating chocolate and not dining while I have good leftovers from yesterday.

I go to bed. This is not a healthy path to walk on. More navel staring when navel staring is due.

I am happy that I quit. 🙂 Quitting is good.

xx, Feeling