Life has been tough. And I asked for help and help came. That was the learning experience.
I just want to tell you that I am very sad. A friend of mine, the husband of one of my best friends (Hi dear) has died. He leaves behind a wife and two young children one of which has just this year left kindergarten. He was diagnosed with lung cancer 4 years ago and passed away last Saturday. We met at work, 16 years ago and he was this brilliant, bright, intelligent IT man from Romania with a strong, almost anarchist heart beating fiercely in him. He had THE most fantastic imagination of the future and technical possibilities and the three of us would sit up late, drinking and building business plans with beautiful IT solutions to save the world, have a lot of fun or just make shitloads of money and the room would sparkle and light up with the energy of All That Is Possible. And/but, I always felt he was burning his candle at both ends, and well, I guess that is what happened. To me, that is what happened. He died. I am imagining him, now, in another realm being all amazed by what he experiences and going all quantum mechanics on it. 🙂
I can not cry because my head feels like it will explode. This concussion is, well, not nice. Stress set off by sadness, loss and worries for my friend spikes my blood pressure and loss of sleep does not bring it down.
It caused panic attacks, which all re-focussed, why am I not surprised, at my financial situation so I FINALLY called my SIL and she came over. Drove from one side of the country to the other (which, ok, in the Netherlands is 200 kilometers, some 170 miles I think) to help me out. ❤ We opened all the mail. And it all worked out to be ok-ish (the part which is not ok we still need to work out, but I think I leave that to next week). I paid the outstanding months of rent. And I still have some money left = good. And the raise in rent is NOT bigger than my salary raise = good too. And now I can buy a new pair of jeans and maybe a new t-shirt and a singlet and not have to walk around in the same set of clothes with holes in it anymore. 🙂 And maybe I can buy new sandals too because mine fall apart. It gives rest. And somehow, not sure how I got to that link but somehow it gives me the idea that I am not a failure. Even though I can’t even do my own finances. I concluded that if I can’t, I can at least be a tiny bit happy about what I can and that is: ask for help. And I am very grateful for my SIL in showing up, keeping her cool and dealing with stuff and my panic all in one. 🙂
Ghegheghe, she also handed me a sample of an item she wants me to make for her. So I guess I know what to do 🙂 🙂 🙂 Gheghegheghe… Family…… 🙂 I used to make stuff, it used to make me happy. My SIL thinks I need to make stuff again to make me happy. So now I have an assignment, with a not-mentioned-but-overly-obvious-due-date-of-a-50th-birthday coming up. Gheghegheghe, this feels like such a Dutch deal and/but it makes me really happy. ❤
I am happy I asked for help. She knows about my drinking history. Slowly, slowly over the last months I tell her in bits about how bad it got. I also told her yesterday that this financial thing is an addict thing; that the denial which I practised with drinking has also spread to the finances and that I still can not manage that. And I noticed yesterday that I unconsciously lied (yes, lied) to her about stuff. Then, when we found out that there was some money left, and the pressure of the evening fell away I started to realise that I had not represented the truth earlier. It was very strange to realise that I had been telling lies about how things had come about, lies I myself had not caught because I did not want to see them. And here I go again, I want to lie again. (Edit, I wanted to say that my SIL and I had made an appointment, but we had not yet. So I wrote to her and only then continued to write here what I thought I needed to lie about. This is so strange. I never knew things (i!) had turned so rotten.) So, I just mailed my SIL that I would appreciate it if she would keep an eye out for shady behaviour of mine when it comes to finances because I want to lie about it to not feel bad. And that I would appreciate it if she could check with me if she finds that I act, well, shady.
(Edit: not sure how these paragraphs connect but they happened to follow eachother.) The other day I filled in this questionnaire which A hangover free life referred to a couple of posts ago. In that questionaire I came to the conclusion that I actually think that I, myself, am my Higher Power: “If everything falls apart, if everything fails, if everyone abandons me, I still have myself.”
It is strange that this intense loneliness and disconnecting which I feel when I say that to myself actually allow me to choose for me and do what a woman who loves herself would do. I somehow feel that in contact with people I tend to get damaged. Obviously not all people, but I’m thinking this is part of my founding. The ability to disconnect is big in me. It gives strength and I find it scary too. It feels unnatural. The power in it feels unnatural and destructive but it has helped me with alcohol tremendously. But it is the same I did with my father: from one day to another I wrote him a 10 sentence mail and I have not looked back ever again. It is connected to my ability to close doors. It also feels connected to my wanderer gene I have. Together they combine in a streak that often makes me want to burn all the bridges. Need to continue reading in the Puer Aeternus book, it seems to be a streak of the psychological thingy, can’t find the word, of the eternal youth. Addiction, the disease of isolation.
My SIL told me she was very proud of me and that she thought I had come a very long way in the last 21 months. 🙂 It is good to actually hear that in person. Did I not say at 12 months that I would go look for other sober people to connect with? I did not, well, partially with one guy who is in AA too. But then he wanted to ‘go for a cup of coffee’ and I freaked out. I think I should. If only to learn to realise that I did something well. Like quitting drinking. The other day I checked the list of sober blogs I follow. I believe I can chuck out 1 out of 8 at least because the ‘content has been deleted by the owner of the blog’. Alcohol, it is a nasty substance. Addiction is powerful, baffling and cunning. I want to live.
I want to learn to understand why I still feel like I do not choose to live. I think this whole concussion is helping me understand things about life. My online addiction for instance. I do not live when I have free time; I sit behind this screen. I want to live again. Do stuff, learn stuff. 🙂
Well, time to go to bed. That is what a woman who loves herself would do at least. 🙂
I am happy that I quit. Oooh, I would be such a mess if I were drinking now. (insert swear word) . I hope you are happy that you quit too. 🙂