And so life continues, but not for all

Life has been tough. :-/ And I asked for help and help came. That was the learning experience.

I just want to tell you that I am very sad. A friend of mine, the husband of one of my best friends (Hi dear) has died. He leaves behind a wife and two young children one of which has just this year left kindergarten.  He was diagnosed with lung cancer 4 years ago and passed away last Saturday. We met at work, 16 years ago and he was this brilliant, bright, intelligent IT man from Romania with a strong, almost anarchist heart beating fiercely in him. He had THE most fantastic imagination of the future and technical possibilities and the three of us would sit up late, drinking and building business plans with beautiful IT solutions to save the world, have a lot of fun or just make shitloads of money and the room would sparkle and light up with the energy of All That Is Possible. And/but, I always felt he was burning his candle at both ends, and well, I guess that is what happened. To me, that is what happened. He died. I am imagining him, now, in another realm being all amazed by what he experiences and going all quantum mechanics on it. 🙂

mycandle

I can not cry because my head feels like it will explode. This concussion is, well, not nice. Stress set off by sadness, loss and worries for my friend spikes my blood pressure and loss of sleep does not bring it down.

It caused panic attacks, which all re-focussed, why am I not surprised, at my financial situation so I FINALLY called my SIL and she came over. Drove from one side of the country to the other (which, ok, in the Netherlands is 200 kilometers, some 170 miles I think) to help me out. ❤ We opened all the mail. And it all worked out to be ok-ish (the part which is not ok we still need to work out, but I think I leave that to next week). I paid the outstanding months of rent. And I still have some money left = good. And the raise in rent is NOT bigger than my salary raise = good too. And now I can buy a new pair of jeans and maybe a new t-shirt and a singlet and not have to walk around in the same set of clothes with holes in it anymore. 🙂 And maybe I can buy new sandals too because mine fall apart. It gives rest. And somehow, not sure how I got to that link but somehow it gives me the idea that I am not a failure. Even though I can’t even do my own finances. I concluded that if I can’t, I can at least be a tiny bit happy about what I can and that is: ask for help. And I am very grateful for my SIL in showing up, keeping her cool and dealing with stuff and my panic all in one. 🙂

Ghegheghe, she also handed me a sample of an item she wants me to make for her. So I guess I know what to do 🙂 🙂 🙂 Gheghegheghe… Family…… 🙂 I used to make stuff, it used to make me happy. My SIL thinks I need to make stuff again to make me happy. So now I have an assignment, with a not-mentioned-but-overly-obvious-due-date-of-a-50th-birthday coming up. Gheghegheghe, this feels like such a Dutch deal and/but it makes me really happy. ❤

I am happy I asked for help. She knows about my drinking history. Slowly, slowly over the last months I tell her in bits about how bad it got. I also told her yesterday that this financial thing is an addict thing; that the denial which I practised with drinking has also spread to the finances and that I still can not manage that. And I noticed yesterday that I unconsciously lied (yes, lied) to her about stuff. Then, when we found out that there was some money left, and the pressure of the evening fell away I started to realise that I had not represented the truth earlier. It was very strange to realise that I had been telling lies about how things had come about, lies I myself had not caught because I did not want to see them. And here I go again, I want to lie again. (Edit, I wanted to say that my SIL and I had made an appointment, but we had not yet. So I wrote to her and only then continued to write here what I thought I needed to lie about. This is so strange. I never knew things (i!) had turned so rotten.) So, I just mailed my SIL that I would appreciate it if she would keep an eye out for shady behaviour of mine when it comes to finances because I want to lie about it to not feel bad. And that I would appreciate it if she could check with me if she finds that I act, well, shady.

(Edit: not sure how these paragraphs connect but they happened to follow eachother.) The other day I filled in this questionnaire which A hangover free life referred to a couple of posts ago. In that questionaire I came to the conclusion that I actually think that I, myself, am my Higher Power: “If everything falls apart, if everything fails, if everyone abandons me, I still have myself.”

It is strange that this intense loneliness and disconnecting which I feel when I say that to myself actually allow me to choose for me and do what a woman who loves herself would do. I somehow feel that in contact with people I tend to get damaged. Obviously not all people, but I’m thinking this is part of my founding. The ability to disconnect is big in me. It gives strength and I find it scary too. It feels unnatural. The power in it feels unnatural and destructive but it has helped me with alcohol tremendously. But it is the same I did with my father: from one day to another I wrote him a 10 sentence mail and I have not looked back ever again. It is connected to my ability to close doors. It also feels connected to my wanderer gene I have. Together they combine in a streak that often makes me want to burn all the bridges. Need to continue reading in the Puer Aeternus book, it seems to be a streak of the psychological thingy, can’t find the word, of the eternal youth. Addiction, the disease of isolation.

My SIL told me she was very proud of me and that she thought I had come a very long way in the last 21 months. 🙂 It is good to actually hear that in person. Did I not say at 12 months that I would go look for other sober people to connect with? I did not, well, partially with one guy who is in AA too. But then he wanted to ‘go for a cup of coffee’ and I freaked out. I think I should. If only to learn to realise that I did something well. Like quitting drinking. :-/ The other day I checked the list of sober blogs I follow. I believe I can chuck out 1 out of 8 at least because the ‘content has been deleted by the owner of the blog’. :-/ Alcohol, it is a nasty substance. Addiction is powerful, baffling and cunning. I want to live.

I want to learn to understand why I still feel like I do not choose to live. I think this whole concussion is helping me understand things about life. My online addiction for instance. I do not live when I have free time; I sit behind this screen. I want to live again. Do stuff, learn stuff. 🙂

Well, time to go to bed. That is what a woman who loves herself would do at least. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. Oooh, I would be such a mess if I were drinking now. (insert swear word) . I hope you are happy that you quit too. 🙂

xx, Feeling

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12 thoughts on “And so life continues, but not for all

  1. I’m so sorry to hear your news feeling {hug} Be gentle with yourself as sometimes these events can trigger us back to old ways of being and feeling (or trying not to!) xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hi Lou,
      Thank you for caring, and I too will be gentle and I will do what a woman who loves herself does. I might need to set the egg-timer to remind me of that but not to worry about me. I relapse when I win the lottery and not before (I hope 🙂 And arrogance is a trap.). There is no problem that can not be made worse by drinking.
      The other day I explained my egg timer workings to my 15 year old niece ‘take and egg timer, put a sticker on it with the issues you need to check, make it go off every 15 minutes and read the sticker’. She says, rather bored: ‘Ooh, I’ve got an app for that…’
      Hmm, maybe I should have that app? Hmmm….. 🙂
      Receiving your hug with happiness and I am grateful for your care.
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Hello dear Feeling. I’m sorry for your loss. And I’m full of admiration for you reaching out and asking for help from your SIL. It’s funny you should write about lies and denial; I’ve been thinking so much about honesty recently. I’m guilty of head-in-the-sand behaviour too, especially when it comes to money matters. It’s a very hard habit to break, isn’t it? Thinking of you and sending love, from The Sober Garden x.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. allow yourself time to grieve, it is natural and healthy. I am sure that you will be a strong and supportive friend to your friend in need. Your SIL sounds like a beautiful person. I am glad she could help you. I also struggle with finances, it stems from my shopaholic addiction with denial a major player. I used to shove bills in the drawer and ignore them. As for your blood pressure you could try linseed/flaxseed. One tablespoon per day has been shown to bring down blood pressure. You can sprinkle it on cereal or add it to a smoothie ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi No good wineing! Yes, my SIL is a beautiful person. We go back 33 years actually. First she was my friend and then she hooked up with my brother. To my BIG shock. 😀
      I do take linseed currently, for the extra Omega 3 I think my brains like now I have the concussion. Did not know it helps with bloodpressure too. Well, I guess for that I have to let go of my chocolate. :-/ And having had help with finances is good too. 🙂
      It is dinertime but I’m off to bed. It was a very sad, tiring day with the funeral.
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m happy you quit and happy I quit too.
    I would also be a di stater had I not…perhaps I might not have even lasted this long. I was very low.

    If all else fails you do have yourself. I think that is 100% exactly what we should trust. We are smart sober women. We ask for help when required. But we know that we can trust ourselves.

    I choose life to. It’s too amazing not to!

    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hey Anne,
      Yay, happy quitters 🙂 Being happy about quitting makes it soooo much more easy. 🙂
      Your auto-correct has gotten the better of me this time, or I lack some understanding of the English language; what is an di stater? And yes on the being low and possibly not having made it. I think to know for sure that I would not have been here if I had continued to drink. Some day I need to sort this out. Not now. 🙂
      Currently not so much in love with life but working on it. Because I think if I do not choose life, I choose death. I think this is a those who are not with me, are against me question. And even then: even if we choose Life, there is no guarantee. No guarantees at all. We die. That is the guarantee we have.
      Well, hmmm, not very uplifting. :-/
      xx, Feeling

      Like

    • Thank you dear Wendy and aaah, my ego needs to put right that it is not me turning 50…. it is my SIL 🙂
      And yes, I found that I actually needed more strength to ask for help than to let things slide and get into a rot. Which is something I still can not comprehend but I guess I will get there one day when I continue doing the right thing.
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

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