Blegh, exactly the subject I do not want to think, write or speak about bothering me ‘How is addiction still active in my life?’ Good question for me ever so now and then.
Slowly, slowly ever so now and then I can move out of the panic mode that is my usual state of being and get a little peep of the world. Ever since I chose the word Awareness for me to be the word of 2016 I closed down and nothing, nothing, well hardly anything has been happening in the field of growth or progress. I guess I can say I stabelized at work. There has actually been a day that I did not feel like going for a few seconds (NEW!!!) and yesterday I did not feel like working while being there (NEW!!!). Wow, I felt so NORMAL!!! 😀
Well, I actually feel I should be doing something about not walking in the path of addiction by blogging, Facebooking or Netflixing so I will try to be quick about it.
Addiction, as in ‘ways that I use to not feel what is actually going on with me’ is still active in my:
- eating 100 grams or more chocolate a day
- eating several, up to 20 dates a day
- Blogging, Facebooking and Netflixing for all the hours that I am not working, cooking, biking, walking or social.
- And I guess my current eating pattern with loads of proteine, which is a comfort food group for me is another addiction thing.
A little more than 18 months ago I decided that I want my goal in life to be ‘clear’. To not have all the hurt, the addiction, the lies, the projections, my family history, well, whatever that is not authentically my higher self, to stand between me and the world. I want to try to return to that state of Awareness where the emotional responses, feelings I have are guidelines, not things that overwhelm me and send me places where I have no control over. First I thought I should become clear by feeling my way back into life. I think that has served me well because my intuition is pretty well developed. Intuition combined with good intent is a strong guide in life. Now I think that being aware of what goes on instead of being dictated by my feelings is more important. So I should develop a, dunno what to call it, maybe a spectator view? I heard people use something with the word ‘meta’ in it. I call it Awareness. Well, I’m looking for that state where I am aware that I am aware. That place where I disconnect from the drama in my life and can actually see how the emotional/physical body which houses my spirit walks the earth. It is a comfortable place in so much that the disconnect brings peace in itself because I do not get thrown about by my feelings. I can look at them. I think it is very much like the difference between looking at an aquarium or being the aquarium.
And while I am trying to describe the feeling, and while doing that trying to sort out what it is I am trying to do, I immediately jump to reasons I should not be doing this.
It is uncomfortable to come back into normal mode with all the knowledge I gained in the disconnect because that is where judgement hits me. I am guessing that is what keeps me from going there. Well, while writing this I am trying to find out why oh why, if the Aware state is so comfortable as I say, I do not always hang out there. Would be logical, not?
Things that pop up: emotions overwhelm me so I forget about it. Also, it takes effort and I don’t always want to make the effort. I want to forget that I am alive. It is funny. This actually sounds very much like addiction. Thought/feel addiction. The other day I found out that my first cold turkey quitting was from thumb sucking. At age 10 or 11. Yes, yes, you don’t think I would have quit that earlier than a Very Late age. Guess it comes with being bottle fed ;-). My mother had tried to convince me to stop, also with use of the dentist who said that it might ‘force my teeth forward’. I did give it a thought, well, mostly I felt guilty and secretly sucked my thumb in bed, thinking I could not do without it ‘because it makes me fall asleep’. Then one summer night, it was still light outside, I realised in another one of those deep realisations, that it only kept me awake. I stopped and never thought of it again.
I used to have a friend, the one who had been on drugs and unfortunately walked the path of selling her body to pay for those. She also got into a psychosis if anybody recals anything I wrote about that. She used to wait for ‘insights’ to change her behaviour. I used to think that was utter bullshit and that she just did not want to do the work that belongs to doing something. Yes. Sorry. Sorry to you, old ex-friend, sorry to the world for using my brain to sow bad energy. Now I think she had a point there. And still my second thought is: maybe I have turned as lazy as she did? Third thought: maybe, maybe quitting takes such a lot of internal organisation that there is no other possibility than to wait for insights. Obviously I can not allow myself to wait for insights, I want it all and I want it now so I need to work on getting the insights. NOW!!! 😀
Another random thought: lately there has been very little synchronicity happening in my life. Actually, since I stopped seeing the bookstore man, well, since he vanished 7-8 weeks ago spiritual development and synchronicity have stopped. I guess our talkes kept me open for that specific stream of energy which allowed me to experience them. A few days ago he changed his profile photo on FB. He looks like shit but everybody is commenting like ‘ooh you handsome!’ Not sure if the is meant to lift him up or that people are indeed not seeing. Well, in those weeks he was lost I left him 3 messages and he did not reply so his dramatic, claiming comment of ‘You are the only friend who has not left me.’ might indeed have been nothing more than a dramatic, claiming comment. Who knows? Well, I guess I can add ‘Who cares?’ But I do care. A little. And funny enough, I like my life better with the things I learned from being in contact with him then I like my life now.
So, awareness and addiction. I guess they are direct opposites. Which is cool because that means there is learning to be done there. That ‘cool’ is in theory. Not experiencing any of that. Actually I am very uncomfortable with this post and I, haha, will stop thinking about it now. I think I’ll go clean a little.
I am happy that I quit. I guess there have been days lately that I have not really thought about it. Not sure if that is a dangerous sign or that I it is starting to become normal. Today I picked up a bottle of fizzy water from the ground, it had a wine bottle shape. I walked to the living room with it in my hand and I felt this familiar destructive urge to self destruct with alcohol. Well, I felt the urge that I would used to get when drinking. Today I felt how self destructive that was. Yuk. Nasty. Glad I don’t have to drink anymore. Not sure why I write it in the ‘have to drink’ sentence. Guess that is what it feels like. It is sort of ‘happy that this compulsion does not control me anymore.’ 🙂 Now let’s see how I deal with the other compulsions. Oooh, falling in love randomly is one of those too. I forgot.
Ooh, one thing good: I have started reading again. I had not done that for weeks I think. Just childrens books I re-read but good, very good. It is a sort of reconnection with a non-addictive sort of spending time. And now I am done writing for today, want to clean up the piles of books which are on the floor and try to fit them on the book shelfs. Let’s see.
I take: vitamin D – LOVING IT. Would advise you to do the same. As 75% of the people seems to have a shortage and, blablablahblaaah. Also taking some Schuessler cell salts, not sure what for anymore but feeling better for it I think. Yeah, strange story. Ooh, and I am taking Star of Bethlehem Bach remedy to see if there is an emotional aspect to the sore throat I still have. Hmm, that has been going on since Christmas. 😦 Must be throat cancer then. 😀 . Guessing it has to do with feeling reigned in at my work by my boss, not being able to speak my mind. She is really trying to get me down sometimes. The other day she spent 5 minutes explaining me and all my male co-workers how I lack sex-appeal. She listed all the things (uniform) I was wearing and how they do not make me attractive. Then she continued on me eating funny stuff (oatmeel porridge). “I guess the only thing you can get from that is good shitting. I would have thought that you would have the body of a super model by now but hell no!”
I found that hurtful. What could I have replied? “You might want to look at yourself you fat bitch.” Well, that would have been appropiately disappropriate. :-D. I did diss her by saying that I was by no means interested in looking sexy so I did not see her problem there. She replied with: you should want to look sexy. At which I just raised an eyebrow with the question “Why?!” I spoke about it with one of the guys yesterday. He said she was out of line “Because she is fat as hell and your figure is fine.” The sweet comfort of guys that don’t have a way with words. 😀 I don’t need him to compare. I just want someone to realise too that this was strange behaviour. That I’m not alone in that. Anyway, it still hurts. The guy I spoke with has been said to be in love with me, while he actually told me he thought I was in love with him in the beginning. Not sure what to make of it. Almost all collegues apart from one try to tease me with him being in love with me. Last night I dreamed of us kissing. Well, it was more of trying to kiss and it going nowhere. I forgot about that, that there can be guys with which sex drive does not match. So I guess that door is closed.
There is something I want to, well, do not want to write about. It is confusing too. There are 6 guys at my work. 3 Of them have direcltly or indirectly threatened with sex they ‘jokingly’ want to force upon me. The one guy I wrote about threatened me ‘in general’: “Girls showing their titties and wearing short skirts should be raped, they deserve it!” The other one because I think he is overcome by lust ever so now and then because he seems to have a high drive but his girlfriend just got a baby. He said, just out of the blue: “We can get you pregnant too you know.”At which I replied with a polite “No thank you.” To which he said; “You might not want it but there are a lot of strong guys here and between us we can get you pregnant in no time.” I don’t remember what I replied. I can’t really say anything serious. It’s not like my boss or anybody is going to take this as serious as I think it should be treated. I would wish I can explain them how threathening this feels to me and how much inner strength I need not to break down and have all kinds of memories flood me.
Yesterday this one guy was teasingly pushing me about at the water tab and since he’s huge there is no way to push him about so I sprayed some water on him. At which he replied: “If you were younger I would know EXACTLY what to do to you now….” A collegue behind me saw me drop silent and said: “I don’t think you want to know what he has in mind.” I was amazed at his sudden change in emotions friendly playful to sexual in one tenth of a second. No, I am not naive, or maybe I am. He has been very explicit in not liking me and I have been so too since my boss is after him. 😦 Gosh, what a strange world I live in.
So, it is March and sex drive is taking over. I notice it in myself and in the guys and in my boss. Some days everybody walks around sort of ‘frisky’. Is that the word? I commentend that “FYI, from every 3rd sentence being one about sex you have now gone to every second being one.” Reply? “Yeah! Good eh?!” At which I shake my head in disbelieve.
It is strange to work amongst these guys and to experience sex drive myself and realise that if I take one tiny step outside my normal mode of I-am-not-interested-in-any-of-you-or-any-of-your-talk I get confronted with ‘the consequences’. These being proposals for all kinds of things like “The guys really want to go out with you.” And “I’ll take a photograph when you eat that sausage!” to the worst versions above.
Shit I so don not want to write about this but I feel it is part of my ‘recovery’ (must be the first or second time I use that word here…) because sex, sexual abuse and addiction for me are so linked. I find it ‘normal’ or ‘to be expected’ maybe, that these things pop up when trying to unraffle the process and stage of addiction. But I don’t like it. And I am not at ease with my own responses. Which, now I write that, might be part of the structure. I blame myself. I also want to be free in a situation where I can’t be free. There are guys who don’t take no for an answer. I don’t want to lead them on. Not that I am afraid of any actions going over the top or, well even that sentence says it; in my mind there is a fear / expectation that I could be frisked up but ‘nothing worse’. 😦 And on the other hand there is something in me DEMANDING sexual freedom without being harrassed. Aaah shit, I soooooo do not want to look into the dynamics of this. 😦
Time to go to bed. 🙂
Hope you are having a good Sunday and/or Monday! 🙂