Long time – no write. Lots of things not going on here. Lots of working and repairing from that, lots of thoughts not being finished, lots of processes not coming to an end, nothing really finishes or sinks in. I guess I miss my therapist (hi) and the bookstore man. Talks with him draw me inside, make me understand thing. The bsm has ‘missing’ from the net for 1,5 month now. One day he closed the shop and dunno where he went. Yesterday he put up a new profile pic, looks like shit but everybody says things like ‘hi goodlooking’. Strange world.
I have not been writing. Dunno why. Thought I had nothing to say, nothing to sort out, nothing to document. Dunno. I gave the name of my blog to another friend (hi!). It is funny to realise how slowly, slowly I open up about stuff. I see people online telling ‘everybody’ or putting up a photograph of themselves. For me the good thing of the blog is in being anonymous. Otherwise I could not let out the crazy. And I have written about others, real life persons, not always positive so that would sort of ‘expose’ them too when I were to go public. So I don’t even think I could go public without deleting part of my blog. But I have doubts: am I not hiding behind that? It made me wonder what I have not processed yet where others ‘obviously’ (?) have. On the other hand: I can let that go, it is of no importance unless I make it important. Or… well, at that point I ordered ‘Healing the shame that binds us.’ from John Bradshaw. He’s got the whole subject of shame worked out very well (see YouTube – he scares the living daylight out of me, my not humble or educated opinion says that he hasn’t done the last bits of his process yet: believing it is true and internalising it so he too can be at peace.)
Apart from the thousands of things not changing there are 2 things that are changing: I’m getting bored with the 10.001 subscriptions to Facebook groups on diseases (healing), personal shit (spiritual development) and eating disorders (healthy living). The other day I was reading up on urticaria (the rash I have ever so now and then, which, when I scratch it immediately causes my skin to swell up) and realised that whenever I have another one of the 10.002 ‘failings’ in my body I go into this ‘It NEEDS to go AWAY! NOW!!!’ mode. I realised this is no different than the uneasiness I used to have / have with uncomfortable or overwhelming feelings; needs to go, needs to go panick. Actually, when I think of it, it is not so surprising that when my brain goes in to panick mode, my body emits a shitload of histamine which causes the urticaria. When I look around in my house there is not one table top, cabinet, shelf, cupboard that does not have at least one pot of pills or drops for something. Most of them are from the Bach remedies, Schuessler cell salts or other homepathic stuff but it does look…. strange and obsessed. If somebody else would have that I would assume they were ‘ill in the head’. So, finally found a tiny entrance into the subject of hypochondria. 🙂 It is ‘just’ another form of not wanting to be with what is.
The second subject I found an entrance in is my attachment to people who are in a shitty situation. Yesterday I read on our (closed/secret) street Facebook group (good idea, set on up for your street!) that the 12 year old daughter of a neighbour of mine had run away from home. A neighbour who had more info let me know that the girl had left a suicide note aswell. I know the girl. I know the mother. 2 Years ago I decided not to continue your starting friendship because I could not stand the girl. Yes, those are harsh words. That is how I felt. She sucked me dry and I had nothing, nothing to give but my despise and I figured with the way she was bullied at school she did not need more of it. Today my former lack of adulthood left me feeling guilty. The girl was recovered by the police and ‘in good health’ at the end of the day.
This is, well, obviously bad for the girl. I am sorry she is in such a shape. And awful for the mother. This can’t be easy on her. But this is my blog and not about them. Which is a non-funny jokelike remark. 😦 Thing is: news like this still throws me off my feet for long. I was happy it was very busy at work so I could forget about it and work the blockages out of my energy system. Imagining sitting at home with this, I would not have repaired for days. This system of being overwhelmed, not being able to close myself off, it worries me. I mean, it is all partially useful and logical when it comes to close friends and loved ones but, I mean, like carrying the bookstore man’s issues with me for so long, letting it get me down. That is unhealthy. And yet… I still ‘hold on to them’. Yes, that’s it: the holding on to misery what I do. Today I felt how I do that and I realised: it is another escape thingy. My own misery is sort of ‘gone’, but I am so used to darkness that I am open to others. Not good. Glad I’m getting this in perspective. Ghegheghe, first thing that pops to mind: ‘Need to change that, gonna find a Bach remedy against it tomorrow.’ 😀 AAAAHRG!!! Patterns, patterns.
So, tiny entrances in to issues. That is good. I had been missing them in the last weeks. As Dolly sings: “If we listen and hold fast, to every question that we asked, the truth will come to us at last.”
What else? I am 18 Months and 20ish days by now. Now I don’t write or read every day anymore it is sort of starting to become logical to be sober, something that I do not really think about anymore. I am still happy that I quit in a sort of ‘I say that because I used to know that I was happy about it, not because I feel it anymore.’ In order to feel it more I imagine how I felt physically and emotionally and WHAAAAA! That’s when I’m happy that I quit again :-). Eventhough I can not imagine that I can still remember it accurately.
The other day somebody spilled beer over me. That was uncomfortable. I was panicky for a few seconds thinking ‘NO!!! NO BEER!!!! DANGEROUS!!!’ Then I realised that it was on my pants, that I did not ingest it, that there was actually not a lot wrong with me apart from being offended by the smell. I was pleased with my ability of calming down so easily. I am currently not pleased with the fact that I can not remember where and when it happened. My memory is still shite. I blame it on not wanting to really be in this life and years long of wanting to phase out one way or the other. I could see if I could find some pills for this ;-).
So, yes, happy that I quit. Returning to what I think/hope is my natural state of being and earning has proven to be more difficult that I thought. I still feel like the doors to another, more complicated world than my current work environment are closed. The other day I found an IT vacancy in my field of expertise and I felt like applying but everything ‘got in the way’. Anything that disrupts my energy still gets me down and makes me feel like a loser. Good that I write this down because I’m guessing that is the pattern I need to investigate in. A variation on the pattern the Ayahuasca made me aware of years ago: “sadness is your favorite emotion”.
I did spam the movie ‘What the bleep do we know?!’ in here before. I think it is a great movie. Somewhere from 47 minutes or so onwards they explain that nervecells which ‘fire together wire together’. Meaning that emotions we associate with a situation get strengthened in due time because we associate them more and more and more and well, guess everybody here knows how we did that. :-(. They ‘prove’ that in this way we can get addicted to emotions because our cells develop bigger or more docking places for hormones which we use very often. I tend to use the hormones which make me sad. They have a beautiful animation on how it works in the brain. Well, that is the brain side to it, guess there is a spiritual side to it as well. Point is: I need to get rid of making sadness my favorite emotion. 😀 NOW! :-D. Let’s see if there is a pill for that! 😉
It still feels like I need to make the next step in my life and bring more awareness into it. But ever since I chose that word I have been running away from it. I don’t even practise the ‘wwawwlhd’ anymore. I feel I continuously eat so much sugar that I drown my brains. Anne (hi!) made me aware the sugar is not the enemy. I think that is correct, what I need to work on is my want to ‘not be here’. Not that I am suicidel, but I just, just, just don’t want to take that last bit of responsibility for my life. Which is actually the same as saying ‘I don’t wan to take responsibility’ because responsibility does not come in ‘yes to this and no to that’. That would be like looking after children at a swiming pool and paying attention, unless you wanted an icecream. Or so. Well, you get the picture.
On the sugar, it worries me because unlike a lot of you I still feel I have brainfog. That is a point. And I feel I want the brainfog to stay there because I sabotage my sugar free times whenever I become aware. Well, this becoming aware comes with big overwhelming shocks, dreams and experiences, that is true, so I guess I somehow feel I have a reason. Gosh, wish the bookstore man could explain me some of this stuff. 😦
Well, as anything: I’m going to take it slow. That is a thing I learned; respect for the babysteps, respect for the process, respect for not forcing anything but trusiting that the truth will come to us at last.
WWAWWLHD? She would go to bed now.
I take: Vitamin D! Feeling LOTS better. I also take some Schuessler salts on something I sorted ot the other day, I forgot what but it makes me feel better too. I also lose weight again while not working on it. It was mentioned with one of the salts but well, I thought I can’t expect to lose weight when I’m not healthy. They take away the vague muscle pain I had in my back for months too. And I sleep better, only wake up once a night to go to the toilet. That is because I drink 2 liters of tea before going to bed. I try to not do that but somehow I can’t get my liquids in during the day. We are not allowed to take glass into the workspace. And I don’t like tea from plastic. Ooh, maybe I could drink from metal. Yes. Idea. Another reason that I sleep better might be that I turn of my wifi at night. My first night I felt like aaaaaaaaaaw, peace. My whole body relaxed. Guess I’m a little sensitive to it. And my wifi is strong. I live 4 stairs high but when I walk down to the street level I can still use my house phone and internet on the laptop in the garden. Overkill.
A neighbour and I are trying to set up a series of wifi free nights for the whole building. See if more people have sleep improvements. I’ll let you know how we proceed.
On discipline: at work I am getting better and better and better at doing things, doing them smart, organised and quickly. I love my boss for setting these VERY straight and firm boundaries where there is no escape. Ooh, she has been nice to me ever since we had The Talk. Which I really appreciate. The guys are saying that she will eventually ‘get back at me’ but I make an effort to guard my fear and let it go. I do not want to believe that and I tell them that I do not want to live in believing that. I guess what she and I learned is that eventhough we are angry and overwhelmed, we do not want to kill eachother but want to improve the situation by expressing ourselves (however unprofessional and unprepared I did that) Well, that is what I have learned up to now. 🙂
This is it for so far, still no spell check in WP editor and it is way past my bed time so here is another non checked, non edited post. When I started the non-editing I thought I would by now, already have gone into editing mode. I sometimes improve spelling a day or a few days after. I still feel that if I were to re-read the post I would want to change what I write for it to be more suitable, more adjusted, more grown up, less well, shameful sometimes. I know that for me that kills the purpose of the blog: letting it out. Overthinking it without the fear of ‘being found out’. Receiving comments from people who have been / are in the same situation dealing with the samelike stuff on those innermost thoughts. Yeah, thank you for that. Thank you for reading, thank you for commenting.
Hope you have a good day/evening!