So……. impulse control…

Today… I told my boss that I think she is bitchy towards me and that I was fed up with it.

Eh… yeah, impulse control. Lacking. Not smart with the type of contract I have. I’m ‘on call’ – not sure what the correct English term is. Jeeeeez, I never knew I was so impulsive.

Well, it did not end all too well, she got to rant about a lot of things and I was not very preperared so my ranting stopped after saying that I disliked the way she communicated almost anything to me. She told me ‘If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen’ which is totally (in) appropriate. I told her that I manage to ask and say things politely and saw no reason for her not to.

Guess years of working on my own finally showed up in not accepting this stupid abuse anymore. Not sure if it was a smart move. We did however not split too badly. She however did manage to put some doubt in my mind about how my collegues see me which I took up with them. Hell yeah! I was full of adrenaline so when these (big, muscular) guys set down I told them to fucking tell me to my face what their problem was – if there was any, obviously. One guy, one of my best mates said: “You are being played by her. There is no problem. ” I believe him, so I smiled widely and said thank you.

One guy, one who comes in looking (not sure if that is true) almost drunk from the night before, said “Hey, but like, could you not speak to me before 9:00?” He was visibly shaken with realising the results of what he obviously had said to my boss. I teased him with saying things like ‘Yeah, you! Got a problem with me speaking, well you do look like you are still asleep when you walk in.’ And then we got to speak about how bad he sleeps and that he works at another firm too. Must be shitty to sleep so badly that you can’t wake up in the morning. Well, I think he got the message and I guess I won’t be rattling his cage anymore.

And further? The guys where stunned when they heard what I had said. They all fell silent and were astounded but more in the ‘Da fack did you do?!!’ kind of way.

“Why would you do that?!!”
“Well, I had enough.”
“Eh, yeah… and do you still want this job or what?”
“I did not think about that. I was fed up.”
“Eh, yeah…. hmmm, eh, brave. Not smart.”

So I guess that is where it rests. Brave, not smart. Guess I’m still in Gryffindor, not Slytherin.

Tomorrow, on everybodies day off, there is this company event and I am the only one who signed up because I am curious and I did not want to let my boss ‘not have anybody going’. I know how that looks and I thought, well, before today I thought it would be nice. Now, now it is an opportunity to tell her that I stand by what I said but not by the tone and the impulse. And if I get a chance I will also tell her what I appreciate about her and how her directness helps me to get out of the vagueness I was/am residing in sometimes. I hope she can appreciate this. I am very angry with her often, and then when she gets to speak the only thing I hear is loneliness and I don’t want to add to that. 😦 I don’t want to demonize her, eventhough I do. It is difficult, I work very hard. Every day I give what I have eventhough this goes against the ‘logic’ of my contract. The harder I work, the less hours I make but I will not, not ever let that determine my speed or accuracy. I have a collegue who sabotages the workspeed. I very much dislike and despise that (yeah, sorry, this is a post with strong opinions) and I will not let myself go down that road. I would not be able to look into the mirror anymore. But the harder I work, the more comments I get over what is not done (yet).

So…. I am happy that I quit. However, this outbreak is not really a sign of me behaving like an adult. 😦 I guess I will at some day realise what fired this, well, destructive action. I wonder if my 5th chakra development is trying itself out (5 chakra is about being allowed to hear and speak the truth) or maybe, mabye I am self sabotaging because I feel I can’t deal with this current working 9 days out of 10 when I’m having a bad cough and throat infection. To me a throat infection is a 5th chakra thing and I get tension in my throat every time she hands out one of her tricks. 😦

What was good is that I did not lose my feeting and kept my (hot) cool, was not impressed by her bullying and actually was able to hear the content and her heartache. Which surprised me again. Need to take care that I don’t try to ‘analyse’ her – that will probably not go down very well.

Hmm, I have written this post to here, spoken with my SIL who, in cases like this does not usally agree with me – so she’s good to speak with. And still I have NO clue as to where this outburst came from. Please let me have your vision on this if you feel like sharing.

I wonder if there has been a built up of not accepting her authority. But I’m not sure. I would be disappointed in me if that would be the case.

WWAWWLHD? She would draw up a list of things she would like to say to her boss, how things effect her. But she would also the very good things she is grateful for and tell those too. She would actually start with those. I would like to say: “I am not your enemy and I feel that the mechanisms of I don’t know what seem to turn us against eachother. I don’t want to go down that road. It does not do you or me and you and me justice. I like it here and eventhough you and I know I will not be growing old in this function, I have been, and asssume I will be here to give the best of me and help you succeed in growing this business with all that I can offer.”

Guess I want peace and openness. Well, not a usual business strategy but let’s see how that works out.

I need: to relax and sleep well. And I seem to need to do something with the cat. She is all over the place. Guess I need to relax. 🙂

I take: some Schuessler cell salts against my sinus infection, cough and throat ache.

On sugar: did I say I made it to a week or so and then ‘relapsed’ :-(. I can’t find the entry into understanding it. Yeah, yeah… well, dunno. It it a scary process. I thought I would be done but I’m not. I realise now that I think I do the same thing as I did with alcohol but that is not true. I don’t read about it, I don’t research, I don’t do a the free online desensitization training (it exists!). Pfff, I also feel like I’ve got too much going on. But I also think that I can’t get a clear head about my future because I still -and here I wanted to type ‘drink’ and indeed, that is how it feels- but I don’t drink, I eat sugar. Back to 100 grams of 72% dark chocolate a day together with about 15-20 dates. Yes yes, that’s not going to make me lose weight. With the work I do it does not make me gain either though.

I want: things to be easy. A shitload of fuck-you money so I can quit my job and not learn what I need to learn. No, I would not want to quit, specifically now I still don’t have the feeling I am ready for something new. And I would miss the guys, they are nice, and the daily routine. I would not miss the girls so much because they do not speak a lot of Dutch, very little actually and no English.

Happy that I quit. Not so happy with what I learn about myself. 😦 Wish I was perfect so I could never be attacked anymore. 😦 Guess that is what it comes down to. Crying now.

xx, Feeling