Soooo…. the body – mind – Self connection keeps on doing its thing. The night after I wrote the former post with a tremendous list of hypochondriac responses to all kinds of normalities in my body I was utterly wasted and slept horribly. On the one hand I was happy and felt freed of a terrible burden. Writing out this list has made it clear to me that I ‘might be overdoing some things’. But my systems did not seem to be able to handle the freedom of thought and went into panick mode; ‘DF!!!! I’m sick, I’m gonna die!!!
Do you recognise this pattern? Where insight in the one thing IMMEDIATELY boosts another process or a similar process in an even heavier, darker version? Well, park that thought there. I got ‘out’ by returning to what I call awareness. Where I go to that place in me where I am aware that I am panicking and can sort of detach from it. Realise that it is ‘just’ (?) ‘learned’ (?) ‘behaviour’ (?). All the quotes mean to indicate that I have not yet found the words for what I mean there. The ‘just’ refers to the insignificance of it all once I am aware. But I tend to think it is not insignificant and has a function otherwise it would not be there. Currently I’m thinking that the function of it all is to keep me away from being aware. Awareness is HORRIBLE. So I learned the next day. I was all in pieces to begin with and then at work… Aaaahrg!!! Boss was in a panick mode and everybody got whacked. There was a consultant on the floor working on new products and somehow he seems to get to her. She starts ordering everybody around and telling them off on a tone which, well, should not even be reserved for little children. I was working in another room, it is sound proof and having fallen to pieces and trying to well, maintain aware in order not to crash…. jeeeeez, I felt all these bursts of energy happening and the tension building. It was overwhelming and I had no barriers left to protect me, no go to system in place so it was a tough day. At one point one of my co-workers walks, his face totally red hot: ‘Believe me, one of these days I’m gonna kill her!’
Normally I would laugh, maybe, pet/slap him on the back. I guess to break the thought pattern and well, work as a sort of lightening rod, reminding somebody that there is humanity too. This time I just stood there and all these emotions of being caught up in a job with a boss like that, it was horrifying. This specific guy does not see a way out, thinking because my boss has devalued him long enough that he does not believe he is capable anymore. Both of them doing their destructive, double bind dance together. 😦
At the end of the day I was exhausted, went to bed and fell asleep. I woke up feeling tense and sick. I tried to move to awareness to get out of it and my body would run back into another and another and another symptom of whatever disease. Tension building and releasing and building and releasing and all so very, very ‘feelable’. Even the tiniest muscles moved and relaxed when I became aware that I had carried the tension to another place. Again and again I had to move out, relax, realise that I was ok and BANG! go right back into tension and sometimes even panick mode. At some point this whole ‘Idea’ or dunno, concept (?) of what being human is was so utterly clear and overwhelming – I felt like I travelled through every cell and the whole Universe at once. It felt like I had been in this hallucinating state of being for hours. When I looked at the clock only 2 hours had past since I went to bed. It was a weird night.
So… awareness. Don’t wish too hard.
I am happy that I quit. Life is a bit tough currently. I’m a few days before my 18 months sobriety and I feel the same tension as I did when coming up to my 1 year. I think I can detect fear of failure of not being able to ´meet that date´. From day 1 I have realised that thinking ahead about (not) drinking brings me in trouble. I feel like I spread myself thin and in that energetic move I can not support my decission to not drink. Not that I want to drink. It’s just, dunno, in that move I start to doubt myself. Guessing if I did NOT put any value on any date I would not have a problem. I do however feel like I should celebrate something. Or… possibly not because I assume I should/have to/better be sober for the rest of my life. So how does 18 month count in that perspective? Aah, yes, it counts as a reminder that I have been trying to look after me better. To adult :-).
On sugar: I had tried another no sugar time and fell of my horse again. Don’t really remember why. Do remember that the fog had lifted and that things became too clear. Not sustainable yet. All this awareness business….
On money: I informed the boss that I could work 5 days from now on. That is not set yet but a stupid coincedence leads to me being on the only free day of working 9 days out of 10, 6 days to go. Not good.
WWAWWLHD: ghegheghe, go to bed now, not set myself stupid targets of filling out the full list of stuff. On the other hand: it is not a stupid list. It is a list which has kept me sober over 17 months plus. Ok.
I take: some Schuessler salts on I forgot what. Decalcification, nettle rash, loose stool, throat infection. And I need to learn more about this stuff because it seems like if I take on thing for one symptom other symptoms pop up. Like adding one mineral depletes the other.
On awareness: awareness sucks but it is the only way. It is like sobriety. Well it is sobriety. Blègh. NOT FAIR! NOT READY! I don’t want to have to do so way much more than other normal people do. Ooh, btw: funny comparison makes me think of the bookstore man. He’s gone of the face of the earth. Closed the bookstore. People don’t know where or when. I sent him a message by Facebook. Funny how I wanted to say goodbye and then thought he might be in trouble and send a message like ‘Saw you closed the store. I can only imagine that must be difficult. I know I’m not at the top of your friends list but if I can do something, let me know’. Have not heard from him, guess I won’t. Not sure if I want to. Can’t even handle myself. 😦
I forgot what else was on the list.
I need: sleep.
I want: sleep
Wishing you a beautiful sober week.