I have a body / my body has me

That was a thought which popped up a few mornings ago: I tend to think I have a body, and following that thought pattern I am often pretty irritated that it does not do what I want and that it scares me because of perceived / imagined disfunction. Not sure why but this morning there was an opening to think ‘and my body has me’. With that switch of perception I realised that I treat my body very badly. I’m always complaining, always looking down on it, always disliking it for being too fat, always eating what ‘I’ want to eat, not what my body wants. Ha, my body wants to go outside sit in the sun so I’m off.

Well, this is what I wrote a few days ago, now I’ll continue the post. Since then I have been trying to find kindness and relaxation for my body. A few weaks ago I had a tiny flue and luckily I could still get to work and do the main part of my job where I assemble a specific item. I went home after a few, 2 or 4 hours. Boss said: “Take it easy, work at the speed that you can work at.” Which…. actually allowed me to relax. That was good. In that relaxation I had a talk with my body which basically replied: “You worry too much, you put stress on me all the time. I can heal myself perfectly, it is just that you get in the way with your thinking and your stress.” Ever since I try to relax over the full list of (imagined) illnesses that I have. I will take a moment to draw up a list. You might want to skip them because it is not very elegant to read. Rephrase: it is VERY NOT elegant to read. I feel great shame and want to ridicule myself, make stupid jokes to get rid of the tension around it. 😦 From bottom to top:

• I have a wart on my feet, it must mean I have ‘growth’ thingies and that obviously means that I have a tendency to get cancer. For sure. If I don’t already have it.
• I have swimmers feet, or how do you call it. Hardly any left since I quit drinking but still it is a sign of yeast growing so…. I must be poisoning myself and OMG, the sugar is so bad -> worry about acid-alkaline balance and all that comes with that (cancer, osteoperosis, rheumatism, diabetis, did I say cancer already? Arthritis…)
• My feet and ankles are stiff in the morning when I get out of bed, can’t bend my feet very wel for the first 10 steps to the toilet. They also make a lot of noise. The stiffness is OBVIOUSLY caused by swelling due to a bad acid-alkaline balance and that means that it is the onset of rheuma or another auto-immune disease. It also reminds me that I might work and walk and stand all day… I still do not do my yoga. Which is obviously a reason to punish myself over, belittle myself, doubt my progress (EVERYBODY is doing yoga, why not me? While I actually know the benefits of it and should stretch at least the shoulder which was frozen for half a year (is not anymore due to adjusting of these little bones in my back and some excersices and some Schuessler salts – and/or maybe because they generally take 6 months to heal 😉 )
• Sometimes I scratch my outside hip because it itches and where I scratch I get nettle-rash. Which…. has a LOT of causes, amongst which very deadly ones. I’m thinking mine is parasites in my bowels. I actually think that is true but I can not pay for the test I need to take for the doctor to determine what parasites there are. I think 3 different kinds. (Don’t ask how I know. Ok do. I did a Scotch tape, outside body cavaty, microscope check.) The medicine to fix any of these can be bought cheeply anywhere BUT: I took one of them and immediately developped all side effects like hives and it was nasty and I got so scared of the annafalactic shock which is on the list of side effects (free simple worm medicine, and ooh, by the way; if it does not suit your body you might die if you don’t go to hospital, and even if you do, you might die…) Yes yes, typical hypochondric reaction. I know. But this is me and it is what I need to deal with so….  Blegh. I’m going to work 5 days a week because by now I can get a ‘weekend feel’ even with the divided weekend we have and… I need the money.
• Every so now and then I get an infection in the netherparts. I’m thinking it is worm related. Gosh, this is getting to be a really nasty read…
• I still have ‘loose stool’. Have had this since I started living in this house, 14 ish years ago. Obviously that could be worm related. I spoke about it with my GP1 2 years ago and she assumed that, because I was still drinking, I might have an infection in my bowels. Which is, I would say a fair assumption. Funny thing is: I still have loose stool. Practical but it also scares me because I think I am not taking up all the nutrients that I need to take up. Things sometimes come out at the same day I eat them = not good. Since I started to think that I am actually bothering my body in healing itself I start to think/realise that there might actually be a relation between my inability to like ‘set boundaries’, and ‘keep things out’ and the character stiffness I have developped in that and the ‘dislike of taking stuff in’ might have actually been translated to bad small and big intestine workings. I think I lacke soupleness in any ‘door’ function in my life, be it physical, emotional or spiritual. I get overwhelmed and/or lash out; there is little inbetween. Well, obviously it has gotten way ‘better’ since being sober but there is still this basic mistrust of the world, the people and the food in it and how these influence me.
• The loose stool is sort of lightly coloured which means I do not produce a lot of bile. Also it leaves marks in the toilet which means it contains a lot of fat which means that the fat is not broken down which is also an indication of not making enough bile. Obviously, there is that word again, obviously that means that my liver is NOT functioning (AT ALL!!!) which means that I must have liver cancer or at least liver chirrosis. Do I have yellow eyes or skin? Nope, not even yellow veins in the white like I used to when I drank. Did the GP3 feel the liver and notice stiffness? Yes she felt, no she did not notice stiffness. Did she run a bloodtest and did it come back clean and functioning? Yes she did. Well, ever since the doctor felt I do not have pain in my liver anymore. I’m guessing that was psychosomatic too :-).
• I have musclepain in my back, on the right side. First I thought it was pancreatitis, or OBVIOUSLY, pancreas cancer. But that solved itself quickly because the pancreas is on the left side of the body. So I was back to liver cancer. It might, might, might, be a side effect of the re/displacement of these tiny bones in my back. It could also be breast cancer which grows to the back. Or lung cancer. It does coincide with me working so it could, could, could also just be muscle pain from lifting one sided all day in a not too warm environment. But that would be, not sure, that would be awfull because that would mean that I am just not strong enough. (?????? – sorry I don’t make this up, this whole post is about confused thinking)
• My breasts: have lumps. Lumps like crazy. Always had them. Sometimes they drive me CRAZY. Since my mother had breast cancer at age 42 I ‘need’ to be checked every half year – year. I have not been for 5 or 6 years eventhough the last photo showed something funny. I can’t deal. And truth be said: I would rather die of it than go into a hospital ever again. Hospitals to me are not a place of healing, they are a place of death. A death trap with poisonous ‘medicine’ and people who either do or do not know better. They scare me because I am a whimp but also because I have this intense feeling, well, it goes to the bone, that it is not GOOD. It is not about healing. To me. And sorry to all who work there and who’s help I have had and guess will be needing and getting and then I will change my hypocritical mind immediately. Don’t know. They scare me to the bone. Everybody I know who has died has been in and out of hospital for a long time and I guess I just connect the two. 😦
• On my breasts and on other areas of my body I have ‘birthmarks’ which actually started showing up in the last years of drinking. The are irregular of shape and uneven coloured -> skin cancer. OBVIOUSLY. Funny thing is: lately the largest one which was 1cm in largest diameter has shrunk to 5-6mm. So I don’t really need to check them, they will go away anyway (or so). I have a friend (hi!) who also reads this blog ever so now and then: Don’t get upset, or do. But I’m NOT going to see a doctor about this.
• My heart palpatations stopped when I stopped OD-ing on chocolate. I was free for 2-3 weeks, then went totally sugar free but relapsed the other day. Which in itself is a totally different subject and post. It is bedtime here so I’ll stall the subject.
• My throat: ever since I quit smoking 20 years ago I have this morning coughing up thingies and my throat is sore. My mind runs to ‘throat cancer’ or bronchitis or tonsillitus. Isn’t is bad that I know all these disease names in English and I’m guessing I even write them correctly-ish without spell check?
• My left shoulder was frozen and is unfrozen now. Which is nice because I actually thought I had cancer growing over the tendons. OBVIOUSLY.
• I have nettle rash / hives every second day on my wrists, hands and underarms. It starts at around 18:00 hours. As I said I’m thinking now that it is parasite related.
• My nails are brittle and my hair is ‘falling out’. I went to the GP for that. She had half of the hair that I have so there was little convincing her of my case. She was replacing my GP for some reason but I also told her I am hypochondric and that I don’t want that to confuse either me or her in the process. I came up with 10.001 reasons why this was a very serious case of this throat thingy cancer. Or that I might be losing my what you call it, that I have no eggs left, and OBVIOUSLY that would mean I would have to take out the spiral thingy because adding estrogene (can’t find the English word in my mind now) to a women after she has become infertile is a cause for cancer. Estrogenes are class 1 carcinogenic when given after age 50 something. We settled for me going back to eating some more protein and trying vegetarian food later when we had worked out where the hairloss came from. Also, she believed that me saying that I stress out over it and that I think that badly influences my hair is a thing too.  Ghegheghe, I tried to convince 5 friends of my case of hair loss yesterday over dinner. And then I said: but I am also a bad hypochondriac and 5 people, at the same time said; ‘Yes.’ Very quitely, but all of them. Guess that eh, sort of settled it. :-D. Btw; my hair is not falling out, it seems to be getting thinner hair by gray hair. And softer and less curly, so I guess that gives less volume. I realised that my pride, my vanity is in my hair. After my boobs dropped now 6cm with getting sober I feel like ‘losing my hair’ is too much to ask. 😦 I’m using neem hair oil I still had left from my mother when she lost her hair over chemo. Hmmm, guess thinking of that sort of puts things in perspective.

So while writing this I try to feel the stress that I put on my body and the respective body parts and it is TREMENDOUS. This constant anxiety / fear / stress. This constant sort of shallow breathing, not panting but never inhaling deeply because if I do not conciously relax there is this band around my ribcase.

I get irritated lately with sobriety because there are so many discoveries I make but there seems to be no time / I take no time to investigate deeply and let things settle / write / discover / find out / let things fall into place / fix / heal. Obviously my posts have, since the beginning been listst of NEW stuff but I want things to sort of come together somehow. I feel lost in this land of tiny discoveries. All of them are important but I still can not seem to follow through. This is how addiction is still present in my life. I dislike it. But I guess this is another one of those things that I came to do here in this life, to learn to follow through because that is a very underdevelopped thing in my life.

I am happy that I quit. And happy that I did step past my shame and listed all these ‘obvious’ deadly diseases that I carry. It does seem a bit overdone. Thing is: when I relax I actually feel very healthy, I’m almost at the point of pre-teen healthy. That was a tremendously healthy good time. And then my grandpa died of cancer. The booze and the hormones came. And my mothers cancer. And the fighting between my parents. Ok, and the abuse of the more adult body. And school and first confrontations with inabilities in learning. Those were new. And smoking was there too. These views, they come to me so clearly now. I need to let them go. It is time.

A women who loves herself would go to bed now. 🙂

Hope you are enjoying your sober day. I watch 1 or 2 vids from http://www.recovery2point0.com a day. Check it out if y0u have not heard from it. 🙂

xx, Feeling