I adulted!

The other day! I adulted! My boss, she said something about work and it was negative, can’t remember what so I asked: “When you say that, I get the impression that you think I am a slacker. Is that what you mean?” She looked surprised for a tenth of a second but did not want to show that and replied: “No, I do not think you are a slacker, I do think you lose focus ever so now and then. I am here to help you with that.”

“Ok, thank you.” At which I smiled a genuine smile and she a proud superior one which changed to genuine immediately. It made me realise that she must get a lot of BS from everybody.

I think she is absolutely right in me losing focus sometimes, often. And I went there to get back in the working life and one of the things I lack is concentration and focus. She sees that and in her own special, ok, sometimes very special way πŸ˜‰ she ‘fixes’ it.

The other day I had an experience where I, in reality realised that I would not have been so very different when in her position. It is my (by others informed) idea that position in a company very much determines how one reacts. When I (incorrectly) heard that my boss had invested 700.000 dollars in the place I immediately thought ‘Ooh, she’s very mild then…’ Well, anyway, our products were up for a randomised laboratory test which means that several products of our lots would be picked out to be send to a lab for inspection. I was working as normal(ish) and minding my own business when a collegue dropped by and started fiddling with my product. I said “Nooooooo!” in a warning voice and he continued fiddling. What we do is very precise and I know I can work very precise, I Very Much did not want him to set anything off. Next thing I know is me feeling a stinging pain in my fingers because in a reflex I slapped him on his hand so viciously that now, more than 4 days after, I still have a ‘dead’ feeling in one of them.

Yeah, take a breath. In this situation I did not adult so very much. He grinned and walked on. These guys are tough so it did not seem like there was much harm done but wow! I was all over the place trying to keep all these pieces of my aura together which had just fallen apart in this total dress down of my idea of me. Naked truth, it litterally felt like that. I realised a lot of things all at once: my childhood had given me this reflex as a normal way of dealing – my mother used to slap me accross my fingers with the same focussed energy but it was the first time that this came out in me – with the disclaimer: while being sober. Secondly, that I was / am afraid so much of what the test would bring that this would set me on edge so much. These levels of stress below the levels of ‘not caring’ or ‘thinking that I am ok eventhough the situation is crazy.’ And thirdly: I am not so much different from my boss. When I go for it, I go for it. And last, but not least I was ASHAMED. Ashamed of showing such a lack of control, ashamed of condemning my boss while actually she only puts things in words, I have never seen her hit anybody other than jokingly. Which in itself shows a whole new level of accepting the crazy in the company. Yes. Ashamed. I cried. Again, silently in my own little corner, thinking, guessing, hoping nobody would see. It took me like 15 minutes to gather myself together, walk up to the guy and tell him I was sorry that I has slapped him so hard. Yes, yes, not that I had slapped him, but that I had slapped him so hard. He was testing my limits with the fiddling and it was ok that he found them. But I should not have hit him so hard.

He laughed and said “Aaaaw, ghegheghe, are you still thinking about that?! Don’t worry, no harm done. You make life too complicated.”

“I am ashamed.” (and I started to get teary 😦 )

“Ghegheghe, don’t you worry so much.”

Which obviously is the ultimate guy answer to anything but I guess he meant it.

Today we spoke about it. I commented on something being dirty and he said “My god, you start to sound like her!”

“Yeah, I am afraid that is so. I realised there is a whole new layer to me the other day when I slapped you accross your fingers. I’m guessing that I have the same determination when it comes to proving myself.”

“Yeah, well, nothing wrong with perfectionism.”

“No, no, I guess it should not lead to slapping but I actually start to understand where she comes from ever so now and then.”

“Yeah. She is working on giving you a better contract by the way. But you don’t know that and you certainly did not hear that from me. Question is: are you happy with that? Or should you be?”

“I am not sure. I have been trying another approach to what I experience. I have spoken to her on how I experience what she says. I felt very, very adult :-D. She told me I sometimes lack focus. I think I do. I came here to get that back. I think it is working.”

“Yeah, until she starts yelling again and we are all back to zero.”

“Yeah….. that is possible. I am a perfectionist and an idealist so I won’t give up too easily. It generally means I am in for a lot of rough confrontations and downfalls though. :-D”

“Ghegheghe, yep.”

“We shall see. :-)”

So, this is how things are currently at work. And… I need to get my life in order because I am not making enough money to sustain myself. The company is closed on a weekday, meaning that the ‘weekend’ only exists of 1 day when I work 5 days. I can’t deal with that. I could work 5 days, but with a 2 day weekend, not with 2 * 1 day off. And if I do work 5 days in this situation…. I kick out another guy who does the one day… so hmmm, that is, dunno, that would be the second one that gets kicked out because of me. Does not feel right.

Another person, well actually two of them I could not care less about. One of them attacked me with a story on how he thinks women showing body parts, ‘titties’ and decoltage should be raped because they are asking for it and they should be punished. When I told him that idease like that are not cherised in The Netherlands he answered that where he comes from everybody thinks like that so I told him to fuck off to his own country. He ‘replied’ I was rascist and thought my ideas were superior because I think white people have superior ideas. “Well, yes, I do think that the idea of not raping people is superior to raping them so repeat: fuck off you sick mind. And ooh, no, that has got NOTHING to do with you being black. Only and only with your sick mind and sick ideas. And by the way: everybody here dresses in 1 minute, you are the ONLY one here who stands in your bare chest showing off for at least 3, if not 5 minutes. No matter the temperature. So you might want to look into your own double standards first before you start raping others.”

Ghegheghe, ever since he dresses in 2 seconds. I told my boss he was getting on my nerves and I gave her the reason. I don’t think that conversations like that should go unmentioned. Personally I would fire him straight away for threathening. Not sure what the boss made of it, she did make some snide comments to him on changing her attire because she would not want to trigger him into having to rape her. Not sure if she was making light of the situation or that being as nasty as I could have put it. Male collegues said I should not ‘take the bait’ and ‘let him talk, he’s all talk’. Which is wise, probably wiser than my feelings of wanting to cut his balls off. :-/ I guess I scared the male collegues with the fierceness of my reply. They were saying things to him like “You muslim extremist! What’s next? Women should cover their hair, ooh, why not wear a jabala!” Btw, he’s not a muslim extremist, he’s some christian extremist, funny enough in a relation with a Jewish women. Who haha, pays his bills. That must hurt. I appreciate that thought very much. πŸ˜€ That’s what my male collegue said afterwards: “Don’t lose your energy on this, he’s a loser and feeling it. He’s got all this big, big ideas and finds himself here and is disappointed about it.”

“There is nothing wrong with being here and there is nothing ‘loser’ about it but yes, he’s taking his stuff out on others, not sure why he is trying me though.”

“Just don’t react, he’s not worth it.”

The other days when he tried talking about it again he was blocked by the guys who shut him up.

So yes, it was unsettling, arguing with him left got me almost litterally fired up wishing I could beat the crap out of him. Guessing the subject of these weeks has been ‘aggression’.

Aggression…. aggression comes around when things fall apart, I get scared and need aggression to hold together all the pieces that just went floating about. Obviously, with my background this is a pretty heavy trigger. And not trusting that my collegues would step in made it worse. They did, but only after a while when they had enough of it all. I guess they had not seen that side of me yet.

When thinking about it now I think that it is my karma to deal with issues like this. Disclaimer: please note what I am about to say is my own personal belief on how I think things work in MY life and it must not be misunderstood for me blaming any victim of anything in any way.

I think that the subject of sex and aggression combined, as in abuse e.g. are energetically laden thingies that I carry with me because I have not dealt with them. As long as I carry these with me, people who have a trigger there will attract to me, in a good or a bad way. I think he has a trigger there as well. He keeps on ranting about ‘homo’s’ and how ‘they force themselves on anybody’. Utter nonsense in my idea and I have, again, in a very direct way told him, well, I can be nice about it but I actually tell him in so many different words to keep his stupid mouth shut. Always finishing with “Seeing you are black I would assume you know what it is to be discriminated against.”

If nobody speaks up when somebody says something discrimanatory, one might think we / I agree.

Aggression. 😦 Guessing, guessing it can only come up now I feel more secure in my job. And, not very proud of it but I am thinking this is how I tend to (want to) clean out the nest. Sort of a cuckoo’s mentality. I’ve seen in with people coming into a new department, it takes them a while but indeed, after 3 or 4 months they start to disagree with their place in the social ladder and try to throw others out of the nest. Well, obviously I think I have been given EVERY reason. And obviously, lacking female collegues with an outspoken character this focusses on the males and haha, obviously that must be sex related in a very bad way. It is all so logical and still I get sucked into it every time and time again. Well, not every time. Day after we had this ‘conversation’ on women who should be raped he tried to get the subject going again. Male collegues stopped him and I succesfully did not hear anything he said.

I finished of dissin’ him with being utterly normal to him afterwards, doing whatever I would do other days as well. I sort of compartmentalized it. Took me a few days to succesfully cut the threads but there it is: a stand alone situation I can look at from a lot of sides, sort of walk around.

Did I tell you my word of the year is Awareness? And obviously everything goes unaware ever since. Well, again:

‘The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.’

And that is how it seems to work with experiences with me: I tend to want to, need to take it to an absolute rock-bottom before I can do something about it. I ate myself through a kilo of dates in 1 week. Not good. Does not make me as sick, chocolate now does, obviously ‘tried’ it again the other day. And, again, obviously found that I can either do without or go all in.

Awareness: my definition of it is finding the place which notices how I feel, how I react. That place which is not connected to those feelings but sees them as ‘happening’. It feels like a pretty safe place. Not sure if I disassociate or ‘become aware’. They don’t tell you that in the yoga book. πŸ˜€

So, I think I got my model of me worked out: in the core there is Awareness. (Edit of later date: in the core there is Self and Self can be Aware, Self has a body etc.) Awareness has a body, the body has a mind and feelings. The mind is for thinking and working daily stuff out. The feelings are for succesful living and helping people on their path naturally by resulting in happiness when people take the sustainable path and misery when we take the unsustainable path. The body also has an energy system which I am not sure how it is coupled to Awareness/Self or to the body. I have the idea it is a communication system. Feelings is energy flowing with a certain force in a direction or stagnating, or hiding, retracting, going out, breaking into pieces, holding together, pushing, pulling – all these terms I believe which come from the bio-energetics direction of the natural healing possibilities. When there are unprocessed feelings about situation then the energy is very active in a certain domain – therewith drawing attention to that domain from the person and others. Running into shit because of that = karma. Karma is not a punishment, karma is a natural result of the way Nature has set us up with our energetic system. Health = energy flowing, being flexible, logically applied in a healthy way and amount. All other => unhappiness and I am thinking even physical illness.

I think the aware part is the part that carries over to other lives, if there is such a thing. I also think that getting to go to that aware part makes it easier to deal with life. But haha, that is where things get messy for me; the addict within DOES NOT WANT AWARENESS! He (yeah, he’s obviously a he… denial is big :-D) wants to not feel.

“Why don’t you want to feel?”
“Because it hurts.”
‘What hurts?”
“Everything!”
“When?”
“Always!”
“That is sad. Could I help you in any way?”
“NO!”
“Why?”
“It hurts! You come help me one day and the next you will leave me anyhow. Again!”
“Is that what you think?”
“Yes!”
“Would you believe me if I promised I will not leave?”
“No!”
“Why not?”
“Because you will! You have been here and we have had this talk before and you have left and not come back. You are not trustworthy!”
“You are right. I am sorry but I also know that is a sort of empty sorry because I do not think I can change it easily. I don’t want to come here because you hurt and I don’t know what to do. Who are you, anyway?”
“I am hurt.”
“Yeah.”
“I am hurt, you left me because I was hurt. You leave me because I hurt you, you say. You don’t really want to speak with me because I hurt you and tire you out.”
“I am very sorry to say, I really want to help you but not at cost of me. How come you live within me”
“I am the pieces you don’t want.”
“You are pieces of me?”
“Well, yes, sort of. You don’t like me so you put me in this cellar and make me not exist but technically I am part of you too.” (edit of later date: here I felt like there was integration starting to happen where the part in the cellar started using ‘my’ type of language with the intruduction of ‘technically’)
“I mean, if you hurt, why don’t I throw you out?”
“That is not how it works, because you are me. You have done a lot to chuck me out, flush me out with drinking. Netflix me away, eat me away, fall in love, create financial drama, create health drama – all to not feel me.”
“So, well, you look pretty much ok to me. What is it that you are hiding?”
“That is funny, you fear more child abuse experiences, but it are not those experiences that you put here. These are different ones. Ones to do with pride, with humility, with not accepting your limits as a human. This last piece of incarnation you speak about, the answer is here. You just have to go through the process of letting go of your pride, of the thought that you need to be special. Accept humility as a place to live from, not as a thing you have to go through because others are mean. That is not humility, that was humiliating but it is not humility. You need to learn service otherwise you will keep on throwing sand in the mechanics of time and energy. You need to learn to not force your way. Keep in touch with awareness when you walk through life so you can see easier what is real and belongs on your path and what is a distraction. You think it is difficult, but it is just the natural way and you can learn it. Practise it. Go to the neutral space, look at the emotions running through your body, look how you tend to want to live in the mixed up state of them just to be not aware. Just to not have to do that last bit of your incarnation; realising this is TRUTH, this is what it is. No! Not ‘how special you will be when you can be more aware than others!’ YOUR PATH IS YOUR PATH – NO COMPARISSON IS CALLED FOR. And yes, that is very fucking lonely. But that is not important either.”

I notice when in that place, I feel ‘things’ the addictive feelings drop away and it feels as lonely as the first day without cigarets or beer. So again, this is where I need to maintain connection to me.

I also realise that I am very tired so I’m off to bed. No spell check. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit. Can’t imagine anymore how it was to be drinking. Which I guess, in itself is a dangerous state. Sounds like a trap. Next thought would be: might try one, just to see what it was like. Not going there. Ha, going to bed. That is wawwlhwd. πŸ˜€

I also realise now that my body is not content with my eating habits. Ate cheap cheese on crackers this evening, my hands are swelling up like crazy. Must contain something funny. Did I say I’m off to bed? Wishing you a nice night/day/weekend. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

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10 thoughts on “I adulted!

  1. I hope you have a good sleep.
    I always get a lot out of your posts.
    Awareness is a funny thing. I tried so hard to hide from it-exercising, starving, eating rules, drinking…and it turns out that through awareness I found peace.

    Perhaps the fear gets stronger as we get closer to our truth.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes! That would be the first line of Pema ChΓΆdrΓΆn’s book ‘When things fall apart’: ‘Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.’
      Ghegheghe, personally I hope I can turn the sentence around ‘When we get closer to the truth, fear is a natural reaction’ – but that is just a mathematic thing I have with language.
      Awareness brings peace, yes. Next I will (try to!) focus on staying aware, in the sidelines and checking out what happens when I try. Currently I have chocolate happening, and dates. It is A-MA-ZING how strong addiction is. Where I woke up totally aware of my body and all which is currently not functioning; stiff ankles, swollen hands, hair thinning, what feels like the onset of a uti and I was absolutely decided to be aware, react well and eat well. I’m thinking all these bad habits make my body feel unhealthy and it is sort of stimulating me to let go of even more bad habits than ‘only’ drinking alcohol, cola, black and green tea: it feels like my body is pushing me to let go of the rest I hang onto as well. First I thought getting more sensitive to food was a bad sign; that my body could not deal anymore. Now I’m thinking it is like my boss: helping me along the way. (Aah, the whole Universe evolves around me, you see? πŸ˜‰ )
      Glad you get stuff out of my post. Obviously I am a avid reader of yours. πŸ™‚ Glad to have met you. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Like

      • Maybe my body was always sensitive, but it seems to be getting even more sensitive.
        I am working with a Ayurvedic dr to pacify my deranged vata (I love how that sounds) but in the mean time my digestion Is terrible.

        Some days I don’t eat much because I am tired of the horrible bloating and pain. And then I get pissed off and eat whatever I want, which doesn’t help either.

        Today is the Super Bowl, so I will eat some snacks, but I am going to try to plan a very gentle vata pacifying week of meals. Just to see.

        She says I need pancha karma. I know that, but she is 500 km away and I will need to plan for that. I am going to some time this year.

        Perhaps it’s all just better awareness that I see how many things make me feel crappy. Fortunately coffee with real cream is not one of those things.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Pancha karma, yes, that would be cool. πŸ™‚ My vata is too high too, guess it comes from being ‘out there’ too much while drinking?
        Coffee, ghegheghe, glad I never started. I projectile vomited my first cup, nausea and my heart racing and then I fell asleep in the middle of the day. Could not keep my eyes open anymore and then it all came out again so forcefull that I covered a whole 1 by 1 meter table. I guess it was a sign. πŸ˜€
        In the 7 weeks to sobriety book from forgot her name she says that alcoholics become more sensible to stuff because their liver is fed up and overworked. :-/ I notice I want to fear that but in a talk with my liver he/she replied that the fear and distrust is worse than anything. It feels true. (well, yes, otherwise I would not have projected this thougt upon my liver…. πŸ˜‰ )
        Whishing your pancha karma thing will come true for you :-). Would your husband join too or is he not so much into it?
        xx, Feeling

        Like

      • He’s not into it. He recently lost about 50 pounds. He is feeling really, really good. He spends a lot of time at the gym and eats well, so it was really hard when he wasn’t losing.
        He ended up doing a low carb diet, and it worked for him. I try not to get to involved as I fall back into disordered eating way too easily.

        He’s back eating regularly. We mainly eat at home as food is my one area I like to control, and it’s going well. He is happy.

        I expect he will show interest in Ayurveda in a couple of years. He usually lets me get interested and joins in eventually.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Feeling…it feels like I’ve been away for so long and reading your post I think I’ve come home. When I read your word Agression … it just gave me the sense (again, a very common theme when I read your posts these days) … that you are coming online. You are feeling all of yourself. Aggression is a powerful energy and one that has helped us survive, for better and for worse. I don’t think it’s a place we want to keep living because it is powerful in two directions – the effects of its cause are both external and internal. But in a certain way, it’s as though this is where power can begin. Standing up for ourselves, defending our values, speaking our minds. As women we are so often made to feel that we don’t have a right to do this without an angry power. And why shouldn’t we be angry, when someone is making veiled threats about rape? Why shouldn’t we bare our teeth and make it clear that we are an animal not to be fucked with? Ha…I guess you’ve ignited a fire in me as well. I have the same triggers. Anyway, I like that you are communicating clearly…even the tears are communication, with yourself as well as the other person. Being honest in our emotions is brave. It’s not easy…again, as women (maybe as humans) we are slammed with so many instructions and rules about what is acceptable behavior. But in the end, if we breathe, we will cry. Laugh too, sure, but the tears will come if we are living in this world honestly. Much love to you…once again we seem to be in similar places, learning to stand up for ourselves and speak truth, even if it carries some risk. ❀ ❀ ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Feeling!
    I have aggressive feelings for people like your male co-worker, too.
    In a work setting, it is hard to let some of things go, and yet stand up for our beliefs.
    One time a good co-worker told a horrible racist joke, and I spoke up and told her I didn’t like it.
    But it’s hard, and especially if he is trying to “bait” you into saying something.
    I still am not eating the best either.
    I love dates!
    Hugs and I hope all is well today!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Wendy,
      Yes, standing up while being the only one. Story of my life. I am not sure whether or not I should learn something there or if it is a trait I really appreciate in me. I think to notice here in the sobersphere that I tend to say ‘funny’ things as in different from what others say. But maybe I perceive my difference different than others. Not sure. I find those pieces of life so hard to get into view and well, compare, if you like.
      I am on day 4 of sugar free and weeeeheeeeeee! I’m sky high. All my efforts go to containing myself and not losing myself in this force of life flowing through me. It actually feels like near psychosis – which obviously it is not. But it is interesting, it is a feeling that I used to not be able to direct and I would be all over the place. Let’s see if I can do it more logical / more appropriate this time around; without the drinking and with the focus. πŸ™‚
      Have to go! Clock says 7:00 and pack for today.
      Wishing you a beautiful day.
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

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