Trying to do admin

Trying to do admin, need to hand in my VAT over 2015 within a week. It sucks. After yesterdays post I have tried to accept that this life is real and this is what it is and that it will not ‘all get better suddenly after I magically lose weight, get another job, find the love of my life’. Whaaaaaaaaaaaa! Very much experiencing this well, what I call ‘human prison’. Can’t breathe. Go do something I like.

Ghegheghe, it is 2 hours later, I have been doing a little bit of cleaning, I found out that some net is streaming Little House on the Prairy again, I looked at the mail and advert for the job interview I have this Wednesday and finally, finally… I called my admin guy about the VAT over 2015. He says ‘You did not have any revenues? Well, we’ll that is simple then, you don’t have to do your VAT now.’ BWAHAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Time and time again I find that in sobriety things are different than I expect them to be. All this fear I hoarded for at least a week is now aimlessly running around in my body, crashing in all places, only to get up again and start running. Whoa!

So, I am happy that I quit. 😀 And now having quit refined sugar for about 10 days or so has been very revealing too. It makes me realise why I do (wanted to write ‘drink’) eat it. This mortal coil seems a bit too harsh for my liking. Not sure if this is caused by the world or me not (yet?) being able to deal with it.

And, as you probably notice in sobriety too: when I stop forcing Life, Life starts to come to me. This time in a job application I did not do anything for, I got hunted. 🙂 Double pay, 3 days. But…. teaching at medium level to kids of 16 to max 22 in a 4 year eduction which on the side of technique is the watered down version of what I have done and on the other hand more commercial.

I don’t want to leave where I work. I have dropped a proposal for a new product line I would like to set up and manage and my boss was enthousiastic and so was the creative chef – he was over the moon happy. I would really, really like to become responsible for this project. But then the boss mood shifted and she started yelling and talking me down again. I checked with my co-workers whether they think I am slow, they just laughed and said ‘The only thing I (we) still can’t believe is that you are so intelligent and still buy that nonsense!’.

I have discovered something weird. My boss works with targets. Her biggest costs are salaries and she wants us to work harder. When I work harder I get paid less and when I get paid less, she gets paid more.

Now I don’t want to go to that place where I go sabotage my work as I start to see others doing… but I do need to find a way to deal with it internally because, for the firm that I work for who says to be ‘sustainable’ and ‘eco-friendly’ and ‘social’ this is a VERY BIG strange fact. 😦 If you have any clues on how to deal with it, please let me know. I don’t want to turn bitter over it but it is still stirring things up inside. I don’t want to go into hate mode. I’m starting to like her too, she has difficult sides but I’m, well, sort of getting used to that and learning to see her good sides too. And looking at the financial situation, well… I’m actually wondering if I would be so mild in some occasions. :-/

I don’t think I would have ever thought about it when the money I receive is enough to keep me afloat in my current house with current expenses. And I want to do some extra health thingies that my insurance doesn’t cover so yeah. And, well, if my current jeans wears out and my current 2 t-shirts wear down I don’t have anything to wear but a jeans skirt with the same shirts and a way too fancy dress. So, yeah, money would be nice. But I’m still not cutting down on food and other thingies. Not buying (a lot) of second hand books anymore though. I really, really sit down to browse through them and read pages and not only the cover. Yes, yes, I know that is not enough to keep me afloat. But ooh, this confrontation with real life and boundaries.

I’m thinking if I don’t set boundaries by myself, the outer world is going to do it. That is soooo painful and shameful. Guessing this is where ego is a good thing to have (hi to friend I discussed this with yesterday 🙂 ).

The sun is shining, I’m going outside. Hope you have a nice day/evening! And I don’t feel like doing the whole list because that would make me miss the sun. Sun = good. Sun = base of all Life. I go worship :-).

xx, Feeling

2 thoughts on “Trying to do admin

  1. Hi Feeling!
    Sun is the best! We have not had it here for ages, and it looks like we won’t see it for at least a week.
    I think it’s really cool about your creative idea!
    I sure wish you had a nicer boss, but I am glad you are taking the high road.
    You have to ask, what would you have to gain if you went into “hate” mode.
    You probably would have more to lose.
    I hope your day went well today!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Indeed, indeed, nothing to gain from the hate mode. I got into it regularly yesterday and it only hurts me. Funny that I would never have wondered about the results (I think I quit writing effect and affect because I never know the difference :-D) when I was drinking and now I really feel how bad I feel when I put all that energy in disliking. 😦 and 🙂 obviously. A woman who loves herself does not waste energy disliking somebody. She either says something to stop somebody from breaking boundaries or lets it go. Practising, practising, practising.
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

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