Conversation with me this morning in bed.
How do I feel actually? Aah tired, not well nourished, yes, chips are definitely not a good evening meal. Hmmmm. Wwawwlhd? She would get out of bed, drink warm water, have a shower, wash the work stench out of her hair and have a nice breakfast. Ok. But why do I feel so dissatisfied, so, unhappy, so alone? Why is that one of the basice feelings I carry around? Hmmm, maybe I should pray, maybe I should let all these thoughts and feelings out. See if I can find a higher power whom I trust in.
“Hi, are you out there?”
“Can you help me? I can’t carry this anymore, can you?”
“You know how it is: I can show you the way, you have to do the work yourself.”
“Pffff… Ok. 😦 Can you tell me why I feel like this? Always, looking, searching, finding a lot but it always seems like Life is just out of reach. I am tired. I am alone. I feel like I do something substantial very wrong. Like I don’t understand basic stuff. What is it?”
“You do not want to accept that this is it.”
Every second in my life I am waiting for something to happen later, next, not now. In the future, where I am fantastic and not plagued by the issues that keep me stuck to the rules of the earth. The need to transcende being human. The arrogance within it. But worse than arrogance is the total misunderstanding of Life. Life is not what I should, would like, need or will become. Life is what I am, here and now. Oooh FUCK!