This is what it is

Conversation with me this morning in bed.

How do I feel actually? Aah tired, not well nourished, yes, chips are definitely not a good evening meal. Hmmmm. Wwawwlhd? She would get out of bed, drink warm water, have a shower, wash the work stench out of her hair and have a nice breakfast. Ok. But why do I feel so dissatisfied, so, unhappy, so alone? Why is that one of the basice feelings I carry around? Hmmm, maybe I should pray, maybe I should let all these thoughts and feelings out. See if I can find a higher power whom I trust in.

“Hi, are you out there?”

“Yes.”

“Aaah.”

“Can you help me? I can’t carry this anymore, can you?”

“You know how it is: I can show you the way, you have to do the work yourself.”

“Pffff… Ok. 😦 Can you tell me why I feel like this? Always, looking, searching, finding a lot but it always seems like Life is just out of reach. I am tired. I am alone. I feel like I do something substantial very wrong. Like I don’t understand basic stuff. What is it?”

“You do not want to accept that this is it.”

“FUCK!!!!!!”

Every second in my life I am waiting for something to happen later, next, not now. In the future, where I am fantastic and not plagued by the issues that keep me stuck to the rules of the earth. The need to transcende being human. The arrogance within it. But worse than arrogance is the total misunderstanding of Life. Life is not what I should, would like, need or will become. Life is what I am, here and now. Oooh FUCK!

thetruthwillsetyoufree

 

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6 thoughts on “This is what it is

  1. Your post really struck me this morning, feeling. On one hand I understand that acceptance is necessary for some sanity, and that acceptance is even a healthier and happier way to live…but on the other hand, I’ve felt (and still sometimes feel) so much like you do and while I am accepting where I’ve been and accepting people for who they are, I don’t accept that this is all there is. I think we can achieve an acceptance of where we are, and who we are now, but still have hope….I’m not sure how this is connected, but it seems to be, so I’ll say it…last night my 16 yr old daughter fell asleep in my arms, crying and sobbing as she told me that she feels alone, that no one understands her, that no one really “sees” her…and (not just saying this b/c I’m her momma)..she is absolutely beautiful, smart, with an analytical mind and a beautiful heart…she has a group of good friends and goes to a good school. Still, she feels the sting of feeling alone and misunderstood so she questions her self, and own worth.

    I’m not sure what happens to us in life that there are so many lonely and divided people when so many of us long for understanding, human connection and love.
    After reading your post feeling, I am pretty sure myself that for me at least, wine quieted that nagging restless sense of wanting more that’s always in my heart.
    WWAWHLHD???? She would reach out to her sober-sisters with an honest post about her thoughts and feelings so that she can connect with them. Thank you for having the courage to share your story on here.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Dear Feeling,
    I struggle with this every day.
    I go back and forth between acceptance of my life as is, and wishing/wanting it to be different.
    I am reading a wonderful book by a woman who got very sick and stayed sick.
    She has learned to deal with her life being sick.
    Even the people who seem to have no problems have times of frustration, loneliness, and wanting reality to be different.
    One of my single friends struggles with issues of loneliness, as she is not married, 50, no mom and dad, no children, and one brother who lives far away.
    I have periods of loneliness, but I am learning when this happens, it is I who need to call someone and make a connection.
    I don’t always DO that, but I know it will make me feel better.
    Life is hard. It helps me to really dig down deep and be happy for what I do have.
    Hugs and Lots of Love,
    Wendy

    Like

    • Dear Wendy,
      Thank you for your reply. 🙂 Again, humbling to realise that well, realising that I am in good health and actually have no right to complain. But somehow that is not how it is. I’m thinking this ‘not accepting my life as it is, always living in the future ‘when I’m skinny and wonderful and succesful again’ will take some time to learn. I now remember my mom telling me that I have been doing it since I was a kid. :-/ Well, lets see what the future brings. Currently I feel that there are too many doors of insights opening up and I can’t eh, maintain focus on them, or anything else for the matter.
      Be happy for what I do have. Thank you for reminding me of that. That goes with the whole deal doesn’t it?
      Happily receiving your hugs and love. Sending return hugs and love.
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You are not alone Feeling. And every time you reach out you will see proof of it. Be gentle with yourself. If you are anything like me, there are decades of negative reinforcement to repair and it won’t happen overnight. I’ve been trying to handle it this way: by replacing negative thoughts with postive ones as fast as they happen. I keep saying it over and over until one day the negative won’t have such a powerful effect on me as it did before. For example:

    Why do I feel so alone? It’s okay to feel alone sometimes, but I know that it’s just a feeling and I am not really alone.
    Why do I keep having these thoughts and hurting myself? Because I’m human And I’m learning and growing, and that hurts sometimes. But I am okay and will continue to learn and to grow.
    Why is it taking so long? Shouldn’t I be further along by now? What’s wrong with me? Nothing is wrong with me. Look how far I have come. Journeys don’t end, they expand and evolve. I am evolving and I am already very far from where I was.

    I hope this helps sweetheart. If not, my post about Judgment might help:
    https://shadowashspiritflame.wordpress.com/2015/04/13/judgment/

    Love and light to you, Phoenix

    Liked by 1 person

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