Ever so now and then the statistics of this blog have a big peak where it looks like one person is reading all the posts over several days. I do not know who you are but: ‘Hello! And thank you for showing an interest. :-)’. So it was in the first few days of this new year. Which made me wonder what my first posts were like anyhow. I started this blog because I know writing helps me to explore what is going on. I thought I would need that. Yes yes, there are a lot of people who have this beautiful intention to help others with their posts, and yes, I would be happy if my musings and rambling would help even one of you at one moment. But it is not what I set out to do because I also think to know that starting being sober and immediately going out to help people is a trap. Dunno why. I guess it has to do with divided attention. And haha, I’m still too selfish I guess, or not, or sometimes. Dunno.
Well, anyhow, my first posts are cute, some of them arrogant and angry, most of them with what I see as this wild, wild need to explore myself, Life and the world and haha, you won’t believe it but my firsts post were: SHORT! :-D. Yes! REALLY! Really, really. 🙂
It has taken me a few days and a shit load of chocolate to come back to an emotional balance again but here I am after reading this post. It is called ‘Things I want to change.’ And it mentions a whole list of things (power issues, grieve, addiction, financial instability) I listed in my blog 15 months ago because I wanted to change these when getting sober. I feel now/ felt non of it has. That ‘realisation’ send me in a downward spiral that took me till now to be able to write about.
It is not true, I know that, but it feels true.
One thing that got me back to writing is reading this article from Sadhguru in which he says:
For your own system, the most important transition periods are the moment you fall asleep and the moment you wake up. In this transition, there is a little gap.
I knew that there was importance there :-), discovered it last week and wrote about it in my former post writing:
And for something even more totally different: I realise more and more that my awareness takes my inner world as serious as the outer world. So when I am in a paddock while dreaming, my awareness takes that seriously. While I ‘know’ that I am or was just (?) dreaming. That switch at waking up where from one second I’m in a paddock and the other I’m in bed. I find it very fascinating. It feels like there is some learning to be done in that process of that shift of perception. Let’s see.
You know, I’m so scared of things, my finances, life and everything that I’m trying to brag here on ‘important’ discoveries to get by. My landlord is ‘harrassing’ (nope, just mailing and calling) to get his last 2 or 3 or more, dunno months of rent. I’m going to sit with my SIL this weekend to sort it out.
If I could do my job 100% of the time I think I would just earn enough to get by. But I can’t work 100% yet. And in this job I think it will be very difficult because they do not have a weekend – not 2 days in a row that it is closed. They have a Sunday closure and a weekday closure, which is obviously not the Monday. 😦 With the intensity of this job, my intensity possibly too :-), I can not (yes?) work 100% because I need a 2 day rest period. So that makes it that I can only work 4 days now. Means that I need to look for another extra day somewhere else or start up my business again. But there is NOTHING igniting or calling. Still all doors of the future are closed, I can not see in the future. I am blinded, I guess by fear or by transferred (sugar and bookstore man) addiction.
And about this bookstore man addiction; did anybody notice that the abbreviation of bookstore man is bsm meaning bondage and sado-masochism? That his name, translated to another language means ‘hurt/pain’. That whenever he touches me physically he unintentionally (?) hurts me? I mean, all the signs are there, and still…
At the time I realised I was really addicted to alcohol I got involved with a guy who’s name translated into ‘liver’. 😀 No, not shitting you. It’s a strange world. And hahah, things like that make me think it evolves around me and there is something in that attitude waking up in me too. It seems…. that the world does NOT evolve around me. Fucking painful subject obviously because I feel like I’m falling through the world again and again and again and again; into this big black hole where Nature or The Universe or back to the neither rewards nor punishments, just consequences are informing me to change my ways. You know what? I’m tired of doing it ‘all’ by myself.
I’m thinking that Life itself will show me how to behave because if I keep on being anti-social and distrustful of others I will end up alone -> that forces me to change.
By now all of my daily, weekly, monthly friends know that I had an issue with drinking except for 2. Only 1 reads my blog, some know that I have one. One of these 2 not in the know I will inform, the other I think not. All of these people have been caring and forthcoming and have offered me support if I would be in need. I am thankful for that. Am I? Nope, just saying, hmmm :-(. I feel like I’m in this time where I am doing a split when it comes to trusting: one foot is on the non trusting side and the other is wanting to cross the canyon but I’m still scared. The ‘apprehension’ has the same qualities as loving somebody without holding back. Something tells me / I am scared that both are Very Dangerous concepts. Not sure how other people deal with it, and I find it difficult to discuss because apart from the bookstore man and a friend (hi!) I know, nobody seems to be very aware of their own attitude / behaviour / feelings / actions / blocks / what have you. ‘Everybody’ is so easy when saying ‘I trust him completely’
Development by tea label says: ‘Happiness comes from contentment’. Yeah, well thank you! I currently have nothing to be content about so how can I be happy?!!! Which….. obviously is exactly the problem. 😦 One: before I learn that happiness and well, call it ‘peace’ are actions which follow contentment and stillness I have to continue to develop and have progress because I am not happy without progress. And currently I feel I am standing still because I do not want to deal with finance, sugar and bsm addiction.
For later: In order to get away from feeling miserable I just did an online test. It concerned a tale of the Wolf in sheep’s clothing. It ended up including the bookstore’s name in several of the words in the story. I think what I am misunderstanding is that he and I have some issues to sort out but that I want to romantisize the relation. Today I have decided that I am determined to not let go of him. But that working out how I can unaddict and actually do what I came for might not be a pretty story. One day last year I had this insight, this thought which just fell into my head. I think he and I have met to sort out: addiction, male/female things, communication and ‘what to do with our lives’. Just shitty I combine the first two and it is keeping me from sorting out the other ones.
My second real name means ‘rock’. The other day when I woke up I was able to step into the meaning of that name, finding within my own rock-bottom qualities. Harsh, harsh, but comforting in a cruel way because there is nothing as solid as rock-bottom. And now I am sitting here wondering if I have, in me, a romantic notion to leave the world behind and sit in that place of nothingness where I do understand life.
I am happy that I quit, I guess. Just not enjoying life today. Too much difficult stuff I’m not looking forward too. One day I’ll search my blogs and work out if any of these ups and downs are hormonal without me knowing it, or maybe finance related without me expecting that to influence me so badly. Dunno. I need to meditate, I have the feeling the answer is in the meditating but I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to work out another layer of care. I’m tired of having to care. I want things to be easy. Well, easier. And yes, I know I should not complain, at least 80% of the world is worse of than I am. Or not. Don’t know.
Watching Doctor Who, season 2, episode 6 ‘Rise of the Cybermen’. At some point Rose starts to speak to her (parallel world) mom in order to save the marriage of her (parallel world) parents. This big sob escaped me and I started crying, not even knowing why. Well, yes, now I know obviously; remembering how desperately I tried to save my parents marriage at what, age 12 to, well until I realised that she was better of without him. And right from there on she would not think of leaving him. Not sure it was linked but the family dynamics in this are interesting. Can’t even tell you the reason she gave me for that. 😦 Not that she needed a reason obviously. I just (?) asked why she had hung on for all the years.
Wwawwlhd: shut the computer, read, drink tea and go to bed. 🙂 Do some shoulder practice. Shoulder is going well, better every day since I took some liver cleaning pills and some Shuessler salts after going to the dentis. And why oh why do I not continue this? It is so typical. Self care is hard and I do not want to have to care all the time. But why is that so difficult. Why is it not nice for me to care? Because it takes effort. But why does it take effort? Should there not be well, some internal natural process which causes us to care for ourselves? I meet all kinds of obstacles when trying to care for myself well. I can only do it if the results of not caring would lead to say drinking or illness which would keep me from working. ‘Normal’ illness like my shoulder, which I am sure could have been fixed months ago, is not important enough. Why do I insist on punishing myself? I’m guessing that is what I think I should be doing. And if I don’t I’ll be punished. Making room and time for me can be done on my own but not kept up in public or with people around me or when I am mentally living in a ‘place’ where I think people judge me. So if I meet people during the day who I think judge me and find me lacking I will take the home and not care for me. Hmmmm. Well. Good to know. Not feeling the effect of this knowledge though. What is wrong with me?
I take: forgetting Ayurvedic pills, I guess I’m totally letting go of discipline suddenly, outside work. Hmmm. Where does that come from?
I want: things to be easy obviously. And again and again I’m thinking of the bookstore man’s reply to that which was something like ‘do you really?’
On discipline: very well at work, not doing anything at home, even difficult to get a real meal in. And I keep on forgetting about wwawwlhd.
On anxiety: still think my hair has thinned out but I found some very old Ayurvedic Neem lotion from when my mother had a chemo so I’m applying that now and notice an immediate cut back in daily hair loss. Good good. 🙂
I guess the whole point is: where, when and why have I stopped caring for myself? Here I sit again with cold feet all day. Why not put on some extra sock? Warm slippers? Why not brush my teeth even though they hurt from sugar intake. Why the sugar intake anyhow? Ooh, the ayurvedic doctor says I try to balance out the sweetness, miss the real sweetness of life in love an relation and therefor take the substitute. Well yes! Can he normalise me, make me grow up and find me a good guy too? Sorry. :-(, that is childish. Just feeling frustrated with being me. Tired of being me. Guess I need to start to take care of myself so I can enjoy life more. Where did the fun go? The intense realisations and ‘Ahaa Erlebnissen’?
Bwaaah, this is a stupid moaning post. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.
Hope you are having a good sober day/evening or whatever you are having around the world. If you are reading this and have never left a comment I very much invite you to do so now. Or another time :-). Let me know if you (still?) drink, are sober, have plans to become sober.
No spell check, don’t feel like it.