Clashing patterns

Wow! I/We did something wonderful! The friend (hi!) I did not spend Christmas with and I spoke about what had happened. That was a very intense but clarifying (phone) conversation. Works out that both of us were playing out our patterns simultaneously. As a result we both spend a miserable lonely Christmas because we did not speak our minds, stepped into a ‘You see, they don’t love me’ pattern and it went downhill from there.

The conversation left me at peace and partially shattered from realising how strong these destructive patterns are. But it was good. I’m thinking the dust still needs to settle a little inside me because the concept of showing the dark parts of my heart after feeling hurt is still new. BUT I DID IT!!!! Yeah!

Whenever I feel mistreated by somebody I either tell them straight away or… when things really touch the soft places I go into hiding and disconnect immediately. I am pretty good at disconnecting. From one second to the other I decided never to see my father again and I (almost) never looked back. I am…. starting to see that this is a little bit strange. I guess this ‘skill’ of disconnecting did help me with alcohol. So it is not all bad, but still, it needs looking into.

The book ‘Puer Aeternus’ which covers the depth psychological aspects of people with the ‘Forever Young’ or ‘Peter Pan’ complex says exactly this about the PA; cutting off relations with the easy of turning of a tab. They add that the PA does not fully address issues in a relation and then ‘just’ cuts it off in an overdose of decision-making hormones. Well, I am glad this has worked for me with alcohol. I think start to understand that it is not how I want to deal with people. I want to be clear while dealing with people, no hidden agenda’s or corrupt intentions, so I do not want to leave people in the dark on how I am. (Might need to work out how this does not work at the workspace yet.)

I do realise this disconnecting thing might sound very autistic to some (most?) (ALL?!) of you. When I read it back it reads so lonely to me, so, like I do not only remove that which hurts from my environment but also cut off me. And I had never realised that. Yes, yes, and again that is a very self-centred argumentation. So, food for thought and feel.

Work is getting serious. I’ve visited the dentist and he stuffed me with this painkiller and blegh, even after 4 days my jaw is still stiff and painful from the treatment. I start to dislike dentists for a whole different reason; being disrespectful. I knew I was walking in the ‘wrong’ ‘stream’ but lying in that chair informed me of that very well. The dentist started off with saying: “I will start now, if you experience anything or want to stop for whatever reason, does not have to be big, just raise your left hand and I will stop immediately, no questions asked.”

So he started and at some point I raised my hand because something he did hurt unnecessarily in a place where I was not anaesthetised and he growled; “Not now, I’m busy.” I felt 4, 8, 12 years old all over again. Patterns, patterns, patters. 😦

Just another reason extra to deal with my chocolate addiction. Well, back to work: my head is vague because of the things I was thinking of and because of the painkiller. So I made some mistakes that were, well, pretty stupid. One of the guys, he’s the youngest and ‘lowest in rank’ in his henhouse version of the company tried taking it out on me. That was uncomfortable.

I had this awful feeling like he thought he could throw me about because I am the newest and I’m guessing me being female has something to do with it. He’s one of the guys with 1 wife and a girlfriend. Luckily I knew very well what to say to him and did not get skitterish even though he kept on trying to push me about. The other day he pushed me away from a new job somebody was teaching me and he send me on a stupid cleaning job because I ‘was too slow and he would fix it all in no time’. Works out the next day that he only did half of the to do list leaving his colleagues’ to have to fetch things in a hurry to catch up. Yes, well, that is how I can do stuff quickly too. 😦

It seems that things are entering a new phase and politics are becoming important. It is funny to notice how the atmosphere of the work floor changes with people being present or absent. Every team combination has its own feel and work speed and issues. Unbalance or even the tiniest discord in the team, which is present, spoken or silent, causes mistakes and slows down the process. A workload of say a 1000 pieces can be done easily and in no time by the one team and takes 1 extra hour and a lot of effort in the other team. So no, I’m not bored yet. 🙂 And I will be working 4 days a week from now on with one series of 3 days in a row. See how that turns out.

Yesterday I went to see the bookstore man. He’s very much in love with this ideal women and I got uncomfortable listening to it. Not so much because he was confiding in me (making things clear?) but because I notice that me being in love with him corrupts me. The other week I noticed that I backed away from speaking my heart and mind because I did not want to inform him that I was still in love with him. Yesterday I did not want to have that in the way anymore so I told him that I was, at times, still very much in love with him. He was sort of surprised, or polite enough to act surprised, not sure. He asked “But is it not very difficult for you to listen to me speaking about X?” I replied that being happy for him and sad for me are different things. This, at that moment was true. Looking back I’m thinking ‘I should get a medal for that martyr dom.’ (insert derisive swearword) 😦  And…. because I don’t want to sound (or be?) jealous, I do not speak my mind and tell him about transfer addiction and how falling in love with him worked as another ‘go to’ place when booze was absent. I realise now that if we would have been friends I would have informed him of that. I would also inform him of the signs I see in her behaviour that makes me think he has, again, found himself another abusive, men-eating witch.

So yes, I am corrupted and I do not like it. I’m thinking of writing it all out. See where it ends up. I want to get on with my life, get that part back that is trying to deal with this while not actually dealing with it. I also told him that being in love for me did not feel like ‘voluntary’ and that I knew very well that, apart from him not being interested, I ‘can not afford him.’ We also spoke about friendship, he mentioned friendship. I blurted “I do not experience friendship from you, what we have has been very one-sided from the start.” At which he replied that he felt he could not open up because he knew I was in love with him. Fair enough.

So what do I want? I want this being in love, this desire to be elsewhere with somebody else, to not be me in my own miserable life… Ha, I wanted to write that I want this being in love to go away but if that means dealing with my own misery… Not sure if I can. Thinking finances immediately.

The other day the bookstore man said that I was the only one who had not deserted him. Yes, yes, he has some connection to pitying himself. But well, everybody is allowed to feel sorry for themselves, it’s just not very attractive to live there but for the rest it is all ok to me. For those who do not understand this, because feeling sorry for yourself is a BIG taboo: it is about projection. If I can not stand the other to feel sorry for themselves it means that I have issues with my own moaning underdog and project the fear and anger that it builds onto the other. However, I got a medal for martyrdom but it was only a bronze one so ha, he should not overdo it. 😉

And I was not sure how I felt about it. I felt corrupt because being in love is not about him, it is about me and in that I am just another so many-est person in the list of people who want a piece of him. He is surrounded by energetic vultures, no wonder he is so tired. And no wonder he smokes. And no wonder he can not set any boundaries. 😦 All this I would explain him, confirm his thoughts and feelings of being sucked dry by some people but I have become corrupt and would need to say that I feel I should be in that list too because I too want a part of him. And please don’t take that the wrong way.

And next, well, I don’t want to think into the future because that is not there but if I were to: I would want him to quit smoking. So actually I say: I like you, but not as you are dealing with your life right now. But I’m thinking I would have received that differently at those times.

I’m on the verge of needing to make a choice for myself. Let go of the one and step into the new. Let go of the non constructive, evasive addiction called being in love and step into the next level of reality. Oooh shit I so don’t want to go there. Next level reality is getting my finances in order. Again. And I feel I can’t. Shit it scares me. For me finances symbolise the incarnation in the world, the realisation I can die, the really being a grown up, the ‘party time is over’ feeling. Wild horses could not drag me there.

It must be very unsatisfying to be a psychiatrist, or to even read this post as a reader. Hoping I would FINALLY get the point, stop with boring you with bsm posts. 😦 Thing is, I don’t dare to do my finances, it builds so much anxiety in me that I go look for the release valve and this is called bsm. Not DMT, MDMA, C2H6O,  C12H22O11 or LSD, just the bsm. 😦

And then there is this thought ‘I can’t do my finances. I can’t do my finances. I am an utter failure. I am an utter failure because I can’t do my finances.’ But NOWHERE in this destructive self talk there is even a hint of an option that could whisper ‘Why not ask your SIL to help you again?’

Well, obviously there was because otherwise I could not think of it now but yes, I keep on thinking that I need to do things alone, partially because I feel so ashamed about not being able to deal that I don’t dare to ask for help. And partially because the other day I hinted at my SIL that I was not looking forward to dealing with stuff and she answered ‘But we drew up that Excel sheet, did we not?’ As if that was the most logical thing to do; be scared of finances for 40 years and learn to deal with this overwhelming, killing fear in one afternoon drawing up a sheet?

And… back to feeling stupid. ‘We drew up the sheet and I still can not deal. :-(‘. What’s keeping me from just telling her that I can not? I feel ashamed and there is something else. I do not want to step down. I would feel humiliated. So that would be pride, not? Dutch swear with diseases. The most appropriate reply to this attitude would be ‘well, you choke on it.’ and leave people be. Let them sink until they need to call for help.

The weather is beautiful here. Which really worries me because nature starts to think it is spring and it is not. Winter still needs to come. 😦 But I think I should set aside my confusion over the weather and go outside, catch some sunlight.

I am happy that I quit. I’m not at all there where I think I should be but (insert swear word) I would be sooooo lost, well, not alive if I had kept on drinking. The other day I was wondering: I keep on walking around in this ‘ooh difficult this, ooh, hard that, oooh, can’t do such and the bsm still does not see the light shine out of my ass, aah, bothersome…’ But when I do my awareness practice, like go to that inside place where emotions are ‘things flying’ and ‘information’ instead of overwhelming then nothing is particularly wrong and I wonder why I do not focus more on happy things. I mean, sooooo typical that Kali would be the first of the gods to drop by. Why not Eros, Kamadeva or Ganesha ? And no, I don’t just list these out of the top of my head. Looking for a god? Use Wikipedia.

Maybe, maybe I should go back to being really happy that I quit instead of I-am-sort-of-getting-used-to-having-quit-right-now-type-of-happy.

Ooh, I did not celebrate NY eve, did not feel like going to parties. Guess this is the one party I do not like sober. Not so much because I want to drink, more because I would like others to drink less and take better care. Also, I had invited the bookstore man, who had left it pending but both he and I did not feel like continuing that invite after I had spoken about being in love. It just did not feel good; I would not know how to deal. My home has become a sanctuary where I can go and leave the world behind. Restore from difficult work/bsm days. I am happy that I quit because had I not I would have sobbed and moaned and drunk like crazy and feel real bad today. 🙂 And now I am just a tiny little bit further into discovering how to let go of love addiction.

There is nothing wrong with love. There is a whole lot wrong with seeing the other as a solution, as a ‘fix me’ thing. I don’t want that for myself, I don’t want the other to have to have that function. It is not clean and it corrupts me and makes communication unclear. I don’t want that.

I have learned one thing from addiction, gheghe, I was thinking of a big statement but if I were to say one thing about addiction here it is: Addiction is not good.

Wwawwlhd? She would take a shower, get dressed, stop pushing herself to be something she can not be, ask for help, go catch some sun, write the bsm a letter in order to find out if there is more information about what keeps me hooked in an imagined contact with him. Start meditating and read instead of Netflix. Ooh (insert swear word), just discovered Dr Who. Haha, don’t even want to finish this post now with being reminded of that.

3 Things: first, the bookstore man, for teach me all these things and being mild. He actually said he was honoured that I was in love with him. And without using a comma or a point continued to say that he was not in love with me. That is ok. I would be in all kinds of trouble if he was. Second: I dreamt of meeting two women, a mother and daughter. NEW! No asshole twenty something guy despising me but two wise women! 🙂 They were sitting at a ‘wall’, a sort of heightened area between two meadows with trees. They were meditating in the shades of trees and having a good time. I joined (NEW!) and we spoke, they were very much at peace and I enquired after their practice. They informed me that becoming aware had changed their life and hahah, that if I had difficulty with that, I could set my egg-timer to remind me. 🙂 ❤

Ok, had a shower, cried my eyes out. My heart hurts but I don’t know how to stop it. There is something I don’t understand but I don’t know what. Called upon Kali to destruct all the addictive ties to the bsm but I guess that is not how it works. Or maybe it is and I just have to sit with it a little longer. ‘I can only show you what is. You have to do the work yourself.’

I realised that my idea of relation includes ‘being safe’, ‘feeling that I belong’, ‘feeling valued’ and ‘being loved’. And I wondered why I can not experience that in the life I have now? Why does it have to be exclusive? Why does it have to come from the outside? Why does it have to be a man who I can ‘have for myself’? The more I discover about myself, the less satisfied, for lack of another word, I am with a lot of the friendship relations I am in. Specifically when I am in a mode as I am today, trying to sort things out. There are only a few people I can speak with heart to heart on the strange, difficult aspects of life and development in sobriety. The bookstore man is one of them. So sorting this out and not ruining what could be a good friendship with infatuation is important but I think I don’t want to learn what I have to learn. I don’t want to experience the NO. I want to have unlimited access to what I think I need.

Hmmm, I wonder what Melanie Klein has to say about that :-D. Babies, children, feel unsafe when the mother is not around; they want and expect unlimited access. When the mother is unable to provide or refuses that the child needs to deal with that as being denied that what keeps him/her alive. I’m walking the same path so somehow he is what makes me feel alive. No wonder I don’t want to give up. I used to feel that alcohol was what made it possible for me to ‘do life’.

Thinking about this, if I were somebody else reading this post I would be fascinated with how these concepts or, possibly the ‘I am not the only one person in the world’ realisation and hearing ‘NO’ and addiction combine together. And how trying to fix things from the outside continues to be a go to place even when alcohol is not present anymore. How this addictive personality just sidesteps the development of the soul and haha, takes on another addiction. You! Save! Me! Imagine the place I would be in if he had said yes. Ghegheghe…. oooh, so not good. Which is another, well, rather selfish reason, to appreciate his company. I learn how I deal with Man. Not very constructive. Rather ego centric. Very much one sided. Not taking the other into account. Reactionary. Well. Sorry. Again. 😦 I should meditate on it. Writing does not do the trick anymore. Or maybe you have a tip on where I am stuck in this and how to deal?

On discipline: good, still developing, workspace is a good learning place, specifically because I don’t have a position of any importance so I can’t really ‘go’ any other place or make up stuff that makes me not do what I need to do.

Something NEW I did notice; I do not have imaginary conversations in my head anymore with people. Not the ‘I should have said this and then he would have said that and next time I see them I will say … blablabla’ I’m guessing it has been gone for a long long time now. I can remember thinking about it in early, early sobriety where practicing not to jump into the future and be scared that I could not drink there and then was important. So I also stopped jumping into the future with conversations too. I only realised that when I overheard 2 teenagers standing in line at a bus stop.

And for something even more totally different: I realise more and more that my awareness takes my inner world as serious as the outer world. So when I am in a paddock while dreaming, my awareness takes that seriously. While I ‘know’ that I am or was just (?) dreaming. That switch at waking up where from one second I’m in a paddock and the other I’m in bed. I find it very fascinating. It feels like there is some learning to be done in that process of that shift of perception. Let’s see.

I want: to sort things out. To have a lot of time between now and dying to learn to deal with life.

I take: Ayurvedic pills very irregularly. Some Schuessler salts to deal with the tooth ache I have since the dentist ‘fixed’ it. It’s not helping, or maybe it is and maybe the pain would be worse otherwise. My boss laughed at me for taking some stuff during lunchtime. But another colleague has been absent for 3 days because he went to the dentist and got a real bad cold out of the blue directly afterwards.

Wishing you all a beautiful and sober 2016, may the cravings be gone, may brutal honesty save you from deception, may continuous self-care help you through the dark patches, may love of self develop, may you learn how to recognise transferred addictions, may you learn to ask for help and trust people, may the addictive personality be dissolved nicely, may there be people on your path to help you, may you continue to learn how Life works and may the Universe smile at you. ❤

xx, Feeling


10 thoughts on “Clashing patterns

    • Thank you!

      For me: ‘He’s aggressive and wants to establish order.’ Well, check. 😦

      ‘Will speak empty words and spread of morality.’ Bwaahahaha, so my long post writing is just a horoscope thingy. Well, check.

      He is courageous, capable of self-sacrifice. Mwoah. Ooh, did I just write about martyrdom and tell the guy I am in love with that I am, knowing he is not, ghegheghe. Again: check. 😀

      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I love your wishlist too! I’m sorry you spent Christmas alone but happy you were able to be honest about your feelings. That’s a really big thing. I love your wishlist…I read something recently about our wishes being projections to our own capabilities…so you are capable of all of these! Much love to you. ❤


  2. Dear Feeling,
    You are stronger and wiser than you think.
    You have good insights.
    You are a very deep thinker.
    You have taken action in these last two years.
    Good, healthy actions.
    I think we want changes to happen fast, and yet, they take their own, sweet time.
    We can’t undo a life-time of hurt and pain in a year.
    I know I still cry, too.
    We are human, and we will have good and bad, pain and joy, happy and sad.
    Your last paragraph says it all.
    For you, me, and all of us here.
    With love,

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: How to continue? | feelingmywaybackintolife

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