Trial period

Well, I ‘made it’ through the trial period of my tiny job. I am sort of doing fine but realising every day why drinking was my go to place and how unaddapted I am to this world. That is tough sometimes but for me an extra motivation to not even think about drinking.

My boss was out of town so time just passed and that means under Dutch law that I just automatically roll into a 6 month contract. Not actually sure what that means because she promised to change the contract to a 3 or 4 day solid thing instead of a ‘being on call’ contract. I should work these things out but I guess it will be fine. Or maybe I am hiding. Not sure. Ghegheghe, I checked on my trial period time with my boss and then jokingly congratulated her with hiring me which made her crack up. πŸ˜€

I’m really enjoying the work part of my work, wake up singing, sing during the day and go home singing. Apart from when I have an encounter with my boss. That raises my blood pressure 20 points in seconds. She keeps on pushing me to assemble some products 12 pieces an hour while 10 is normally feasible and brings me to the end of the day alive, 11 is real hard work and 12 is extremely hard work, a lot of luck and not feeling that a break of 30 minutes is enough to recover. The girl who got fired when I arrived did 5 in an hour. I did 8 in an hour after my first trial day so she got fired. :-/ The standard was 8 at that moment. Then my boss realised I did 10 an hour without breaking a sweat and started pushing me. Some products I do on my own. Not sure how to interpret it all and if I should go along.

The other day she and a colleague cracked up when I did 12 an hour while she was still saying things like ‘Move it, you got to be faster!’. I replied ‘Hey, hey, hey! I’m going plenty fast here!’ So I though she was teasing me, checking boundaries. Now I am no so sure anymore. Guess I could check with my colleagues.

Yesterday I asked my boss how she thought things were going. She replied: ‘No, things are going well I think, the guys like and respect you, the girls adore you, you get your stuff done. So I guess things are ok.’ Funny how people start with the word ‘No’ when they sort of yes or no mean yes but can not speak that. :-/

What I try to do currently is to keep a clear head when working, so I keep track of the number I have done and how much are left, the stock of available raw materials, and working towards a time frame where I align with the next colleague who finishes my product. And, while doing that, I try to let my hands and body do the work and not worry or stress about it so my heart does not get taxed over it. I experience some heart flutters lately.

The other night we had a company dinner. I looked at the menu and saw there was no 2nd course without alcohol so after fretting about that I called the restaurant and asked what dish they could serve without alcohol and how I should phrase that when ordering. I hoped to team up with my colleague who also does not drink. I got really anxious after I called, the restaurant guy kept on explaining to me that the alcohol is all cooked out. At the third time I told him that ‘Well, sometimes that is not enough.’ That shut him up ok.

What happened next is that I internally got into this fight with the whole world and everybody about not drinking and defending that in my imaginary fight… with again, the whole world but specifically my boss and her favorite cleaner. :-/Β  Well, there is information in it. I realised that I am scared of the teaming up they do and their like for drinking. The cleaner used to drink 1,5 bottle of whiskey a day. That is eh…. quite a lot.Β  He drinks less no but did not appear at the company dinner because he was already loaded. I called my SIL and we got to speak about my un-rest and she complimented me on calling and on quitting and again and again confirmed my choices. This helped. And I am very happy that she has (finally?) shown in her reaction that she is (trying to) understand what I am going through. She has been watching documentaries on addiction too. πŸ™‚

My boss still thinks I’ve got the hots for the cleaner guy and it feels like she is jealous of his attention for me – which is just friendly. And I don’t, he’s slept with 200 women and even though he is black and should know about being discriminated against he is soooooo despairingly (is that the correct conjugation?) towards women, bwaah, A-MA-ZING!

I don’t know why I am rambling. I find it difficult. The team is very nice but yesterday my boss enquired after the size of the cleaner’s penis.Β  Yes, you read that right! And today she called me a whore because following a dinner conversation I had e-mailed somebody from the team with some background info and YouTube movie on raw materials. And you know, it just does not feel good even though she does this laughingly. I must not make too much of it but it feels rotten. Funny that after the penis incident which was rather awkward for everybody except my boss who kept laughing and pushing him to answer, I have decided to keep a diary of these things because, I mean, sounds like it can only end bad somewhere for somebody and I don’t want it to be me or the cleaner. Well, with his 200 women sexual history and his actual despise for women’s sexual rights he’s got it coming, sort of…. but still. Well.

And… synchronicity or shear necessity, who knows: today one of my colleagues said that he and somebody else keep a diary of ‘things’; appointments, promises, instructions because things seem to go the way my boss likes, not as has been discussed. :-/ Well, I will keep a diary but I do not plan to use it to build aggression within. It is, difficult for me to understand what is going on. Am I a sissy? Is she the bitch boss from hell? She is also very sweet sometimes. Yeah, that is what she does: with her mood she controls her environment and she likes that.

The atmosphere in the company has suddenly become very boozy now the popular cleaning guy works out to drink a lot and my boss accompanies that. A lot of people making drinking jokes and I notice that I sometimes join in – which is strange. The other day (weekday!) the cleaning guy actually drank 2 bottles of beer in the time frame others drank one and then took a 3rd one with him for ‘on the road’. Well… it takes one to know one. 😦 I am happy that I have grey hair so I feel I am more or less excused. πŸ™‚

My dream course is still continuing, I am starting to notice that my dreams become more meaningful but I do not make a lot of effort to remember them. Not sure why, it’s not time yet.

Today is the 5th of December which is Sinterklaas, a day for celebration in The Netherlands. It used to be the most beautiful day of the year at home, the one and only day where there would be no fighting in the house and everybody would be happy. Since my mother died I go to my brother’s to celebrate which will be next week. It just feels so lonely now. Missing the old times when the whole family was still together and (dis)functional.

I cry a lot lately, don’t know why. There is sadness which floods me and it, well, has no name, seems to have no origin, no direction, just sadness. And next to that (?)Β  I have picked up the fear that I will be dying in a few days, weeks. Low and behold there is synchronicity to ‘prove’ the thought everywhere. It scares the shit out of me. My heart flutters every so now and then and I woke up last night having pain in my chest. I feel my heart is tired. Tired of not being loved, tired of not loving, tired of being scared. Since my vertebra’s have been realigned there is a lot of motion going on in my ‘heart chakra’ or whatever you want to call heart related stuff and I realise how immensely lonely I feel. Mentally I am fine with loneliness, there is no such thing as being bored on my own. But currently I have big difficulty dealing with it on a social level, or more on an energetic level.

Last night I dreamed I broke into a house which looked very homely just because I felt so homeless. Somehow in my dream the idea was that it was setup for sale and that the owners were gone. They came back and I started crying and crying and explained her why I did it – I had nothing left to hide behind, only the truth would do. She looked, and I guess behaved, like some cross between an angel and a Kardashian girl she came over, hugged me long time and slipped me rouble (?) worth a few hundred dollars to organise myself a nice day or place or get me some treats.

Funny thing in-between: with my heart becoming ready to wander into the world I actually notice that I have little trust in people. I feel my heart wanting to open up and then next, not be able to make that step. Like when speaking with my SIL on the phone. I wonder why I don’t trust people. Although that might be a funny reaction. If I read this blog as being somebody else’s I would not be surprised that I would have trust issues too. Gheghe, but internally I can not put a finger on it. New concept.

What I don’t understand is that I don’t go to friends. Well, tonight would be strange since it is a family day. But other days would be possible. Oh, yeah, I am really tired when I get home from work. Don’t have a lot of energy to go places or see people, need time to myself to reorganise myself e.g. before the company dinner and also after the company dinner. But still. My go to place is home and alone. Like I think I repair better when being alone. I actually think that is true. But what about the 4 days that I have off in the week? I see very few people.

Other thing: I went to see the bookstore man, return some books and bring some that I had collected for him at the give-away store earlier. Some for him, some for his daughter. 2-3 Weeks before I have contacted him through Facebook. We are still FB friend even though I still have him on ‘unfollow’ and ‘no chat’ because I don’t want to see his face when I’m online. Also I don’t read his personal posts, I do read the bookstore posts every 3-5 days. It looked like he had not read my messages but I’m not sure exactly how that works. Well, that was ok because I had waited till it did not matter to me anymore how he would react. That took 2,5 months. :-/

I bike to the store, late in the afternoon so I would arrive shortly before closing time. There is something crooked in this ‘relation’ because when I go to the store he can not not see me. That is a strange concept. Would drive me crazy! To not be able to not see people or refuse them because there is this business claim they can make upon you. Aaaaaaahrg!!!! Works out my thinking is exactly opposite from what the BSM would appreciate, before I decided to not go there anymore he said ‘I can’t do this.’ and I did not know what he meant. I told him then ‘I do not understand.’ And he had no energy to explain. We spoke about it the other day. I go late so he can politely leave if he is not interested in speaking. He is absolutely knackered at the end of the day and can not deal with anybody anymore, friend or foe.

Thursday I found out how I do not understand it. He started smiling when I walked in and well, all the darkness of the world disappeared and I was happy and yes, relieved. Guess I pretended to be a little braver than I actually felt. And yes, guess the roots of me being in love with him have not been pulled out. Or maybe I’m currently so lonely that I fall for anybody who smiles at me. :-/ Well, he started of saying that he was happy to see me and apologised for not replying to my message. Which I said was ok, which was ok, I mean, can’t work out for myself that it does not matter how he reacts and then make it matter how he reacts. Or maybe, maybe I had made it so that I had decided that I would not fall apart over any reaction he would give. There is a difference in that. Hmmm.

Well, anyway, we had a few minutes of nice chat after which I returned my books and some extra. He was very happy with what I had found for him and his daughter. I guess I have a good nose for good books. And somehow it made me sad to see how happy he was; only people who do not get a lot are so happy with something. That hurt.

Well, still need to get to the part where he says: “I am very tired and can not speak right now.” I did not understand that because seconds before we had been laughing and smiling and making merry conversation. So I said “We might see if we can work this out because you have repeatedly said this and it is important but I do not understand what you say.” At which he got a little irritated and dropped his mask. Wow, I saw tiredness…. So he explained how tired he was and then again we stumbled upon some joke and laughed and smiled. Soon after that he returned to the tired mode and I got worried about that. Wanted to save him. Note to self: this is ALWAYS the mode where things go wrong. So again and again I started speaking, joking, and trying to pump some life into him and again and again that worked till a certain moment where again he said “I can’t do this.” I replied: “This is a serious issue, again and again you say ‘I can’t do this’ and again and again we are speaking and joking, what goes wrong?” He got irritated and repeated “I can’t do this! I am very, very tired at this part of the day; I really like you to drop by but not at the end of the day.”

“I drop by at the end of the day so that, if you don’t feel like speaking with me, you can easily close the shop. But why are we speaking when you don’t want to speak? What is happening here?” (surprised question)

“Yes, I don’t want to speak.” (determination)

“But why are we speaking then?” (open question, little despair)

“Because you don’t hear what I say.” (tired polite explanation)

“I know I don’t hear what you say. I get the words but I can’t hear it. I don’t want to be disrespectful, I just don’t understand.” (despair)

“It is VERY simple, I am very tired, I can not speak right now. I am very much introvert and I go past all my limits in this shop during the day. When you drop by at the end of the day I have nothing, nothing left.”

“I know that, but I can’t hear you. I really want to understand but I don’t know why I can’t hear you. Something is blocking.” (crying now)

He understood there was something funny going on so when I left a few minutes later he hugged me and told me ‘not to sulk/fret over it’- in a nice way. πŸ™‚

On the bike on my way home I repeated the conversation in my head and within seconds this sentence popped up: “But mom, if you don’t listen to me I know you are going to get depressed and you want to kill yourself!!!!”

So I guess I know now why I ‘can not’ grant his wishes. I feel he is leaving the world and my warped instincts turn on and I need to save him. :-/

My mother was overworked, in a bad marriage with a lot of fighting, big financial difficulty and then her dad who lived with us left the house and died of refusing to eat and pulling out his intra-whatever feeding just so long that they could not find an vein to stick it in anymore. Shortly afterwards, when I was 12, my mother got breast cancer and she got really depressed. I always tried to lift her up. Keep her in the present; keep her responsible in both the meanings of the word. Years later she confessed that she had been thinking about suicide in that time but that she also sensed that I knew from the panic behind my continuous pulling and well, I guess, nagging. So yes. Save people. :-/ I can’t hear you does not mean I can’t hear you. It means: I will not listen to you because I am afraid you will die when I don’t speak and you don’t laugh. 😦

Well, another point sorted out? Oooh mom. And there was nobody to share with because the person I would like to share it with was exactly not available. And I got angry with that.Β  Wow. Desperation and rage of a pre-adolescent. :-/

That would not be one point though on the speaking alone, it would be trust and control. And long long replies to posts online? :-/ You know, I don’t want to do this on my own anymore.

Ooh, low and behold synchronicity working: the Monday before the Thursday I visited the bookstore man, my therapist advised me to read ‘Puer Aeternus‘ from Marie Louise von Franz. It is a book on the archetype of the forever young boy / Peter Pan complex / the complex any guy I fall for has. I don’t fall for men, I fall for boys. And… haha, my therapist thought it would be a good idea that I get some clarity in that. So…. the bookstore man, who was very pleased with the books I brought him, asked me what I wanted to read or have in return. And I mentioned: I am still looking for Synchronicity of Jung. He answers… I don’t have that, what I have now (second hand for give away) is Puer Aeternus, from Marie Louise von Franz. πŸ™‚ I wonder why I even bother to look for the synchronicity book from Jung. I mean….. it’s happening. Following the wise / evasive / Peter Pan like advice from my favourite intern of all times: ‘Why read about it when you can live it?’

I am happy that I quit. Only because life is difficult now and imagine what a mess it would be if I would be drinking. Shit, I would be in a bar trying to hook up. Ooh, happy, happy, happy that I’m not in that situation.

Wwawwlhd? She would make some tea and watch Masterchef and go to bed. She would also put the sign up in the house to be reminded of it.

I want: guess I am back to wanting a shitload of money so I don’t have to have to work anymore but I guess the growth is exactly there where I don’t want to go.

I take: I should be taking Ayurveda pills but they don’t appeal to me anymore. I should be eating better. Sometimes I am so tired that I don’t cook and just eat rubbish. Need to get back to that.

On discipline: well, not when it comes to food but ok with sleeping, being on time and cleaning.

3 Things: connecting with the bookstore man. Ooh, he kindly informed me that his heart has taken another flight. He’s in love with a woman who lives in Russia and he claims they have contact through the air. πŸ™‚ Yes, mate, you’re in love. πŸ˜€

I noticed it did hurt. Well, I’m happy for him even though I don’t understand how he loses himself again and again in other women (besides me obviously ;-)). We spoke about me having been / being in love with him where I mentioned that there was an also (not only, just also) and addiction transfer going on. Hahahahaaa, the vain youth was arrogant enough to be slightly insulted by that, getting all huffy. Ghegheghe. YOU HAVE GOT NO RIGHT TO REFUSE ME AND THEN GET HUFFY OVER ME TRYING TO DEAL WITH THAT (in whatever way of denial I will do so) πŸ˜€

Well, even after that he invited me to come by some time soon and that he was looking forward to catching up. And this is The Netherlands so this can be taken face value. πŸ™‚ Only foreigners here ‘lie’ about things like these. Very confusing. πŸ™‚ I am happy the bookstore man and I are on speaking terms again. Not sure how to continue AND keep my heart safe because it wants to jump out and mix and mingle. I guess, hope reading the Puer Aeternus book will be of some help.Β  πŸ™‚ / 😦 There are 3 choices: love, hate and knowledge. Can’t do the love, don’t want the hate so I had better get the knowledge. :-/

2nd thing: eh, my shoulder hurts less. 3rd thing: the dream course I did. It was good. πŸ™‚ The dream guy actually introduced a technique of walking in the 4th dimension. He did so by inducing an out of body experience through staying awake while falling asleep. Like I tried a while earlier and found pretty scary. :-). Well, one day. Now the focus is on remembering dreams, if I feel like it.

Hope I did not bore you with my long long post. Wishing you a nice sober Sunday and equally beautiful week. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling