Conversation with a colleague:
‘Well, I don’t think you will be here for the rest of your life assembling stuff?’
‘I really enjoy it. This might actually be the job I enjoyed most in my life.’
‘Yeah, well, I’m thinking you could achieve anything if you set your mind to it.’
‘That is what I think, if I did not have me to deal with. I am a star in being in my own biggest obstacle. And I have NO clue in what to do. At all.’ 😦
Jokingly: ‘Well, if that is what you are good at make your money with being your biggest obstacle.’
‘Yeah, I could write difficult books on how to do that.’
‘Why difficult? Why does it always have to be difficult?’
‘Well, well, eh, well, I guess you have a point there.’
So what’s up? Sitting in the dark here, typing, screen on and a candle. Rumours from Fleetwood mac in the background. New birthday coming up this week. More than last year I realise that at age 46 I will not be having kids of my own. Am I allowed to cry over that after not wanting kids for 44 years? I have always thought that having kids one of the most selfish deads we can put out there. And now I realise that selfish or not, it does not matter because Life wants to live.
I was angry with my parents, putting me out there, all unprepared and then taking off, leaving me to face all these unseen difficulties on my own. Not responding. Drinking kept me in that anger.
Also I have always known that I would get into trouble with booze, I did not want to put any kids through that. And.. haha, I did not want to quit yet. So yeah, booze won and I guess I pay for that now.
So what’s going on? Nothing. A lot. Work has been good this week, boss is on holiday, lowers my bloodpressure with 20 points ;-). I FINALLY went to see a fysiotherapist for my shoulder, the ostheopath said she can push my vertebra’s back in line but I need to practice and get it loosened up. So I finally did so. I feel like I need take care of me too much, can’t deal with another medical appointment. Going to the dentist next week aswell since that stupid tooth that has been bugging me since early sobriety is still bugging me. Nothing major, just there to remind me how much worse it could be. 😦
In addition to the dream I had the other day on going to the detox center I had an experience of what I would like to call pure, natural, possibly spiritual sexuality. Where Sexuality and Life were mixed in one (fleeting second) spiritual experience. That was beautiful. It made me realise how much I do not know and how synthetic the greedy, needy affection was I used to surround myself with.
Having said that, The Universe is playing another trick on me with the bookstore man. I have this theory about life that everything I have not dealt with will be dished up in one form or the other until it is played out, sorted out – till the subject is not energetically charged anymore. And when dealing with stuff the next bone thrown by the Universe will be smaller, and when I don’t deal it will be bigger. Like it takes having 3 asshole/bitch bosses in a row to make me realise: it is not me, it is you.
So it is with the bookstore man, still unsorted. I think we’re sort of, well, dunno what we are. Just when I get the idea that I might enjoy working in a bookstore for the rest of the week that I do not work, he puts up an add for a store person because he can’t deal with being a store man anymore. It IS a taxing job. Imagine a shop for spiritual growth where everybody walking in will inform you of their progress whether you want to hear it or not. Ghegheghe, that’s like worse than being forced to read blogs and comment ALL DAY, for 7 years, 6 days a week.
Also, bookstore man 2 has asked me to come fill in for when he’s not around. Shame that he needs me on days that I am already working :-(.
Well, bookstore man. Went there yesterday and shit, the whole air of the shop filled with anticipation when I walked in. Neighbour making smart remarks on me being back, sending investigative looks at the bookstore man, trying to read the situation. This man and his wife think we’ll get together one day, it is so obvious that it is disturbing. It disturbed me. Just when I thought I had peace of mind The Universe sends me this. And the bookstore man was even worse, dunno what has gotten into him. He has lost a few kilo’s and was all suited up (jummy!) so I finally got to have a look into his modelling career. Shiiiiiiit…. I had never seen that he is in fact quite handsome. And shy. Aaaahrg, it just went all funny in the air from there. Me noticing his good looks and NOT wanting to pay attention, the bookstore man showing off and then getting shy over realising that he was showing of and the fact that I was not responding. Patterns are so much easier when the other plays along, aren’t they?
The neighbour seeing the bookstore man turning shy, finding that very interesting, checking with me how I dealt with that. Me needing to contain myself and keep a nice friendly intention and a no-I-need-to-learn-to-deal-with-this-and-not-jump-into-addiction-transfer-want-mode-trying-hard-to-center-and-ground-myself pokerface and not let my heart jump out of my body saying ‘Hi! Hi! Hi! Here I am!!! Hi! :-)’. In the sideline of my strugle to contain myself was the bookstore man noticing all of it and me noticing all of it back. Aaaaaaahrgggg!!!!! Akward!!!! Lucky for our social skills we were able to keep polite conversation during this. Sigh. Or in Heya Monsters words LeSigh…
I am guessing this is the point where I start lying to the bookstore man. Not good. Why: because, dunno, it is all too akward. Don’t want to not speak everything. Don’t want to be a child either. And, well, games? I don’t know if I am being played but now I withdraw my heart (hahaha, dream on girl 😦 ) he starts to lean towards me. ‘Yeah, I’ll order this book for you! For Christmas! It’s a present.’ 30 minutes later: ‘Ooh, I’ll order this one too, a very good read for you on this subject. Don’t worry, present. No pressure, I’ll just keep it here if you don’t like it.’
And when I left he came running after me with another book ‘To read but bring back in a few days.’
What did I learn? I learned that I am MILES away from being able to control my feelings. FUCK! I sat through the whole afternoon thinking What the fuck is happening here? Why can I not center? Why can I not ground myself? Why can I not contain myself? What the fuck is going on here? Where am I anyway? What happened to me between that beautiful detox dream and this?
Somehow the bookstore man kept on pushing my buttons on sadness and needing to cry in order to let go. And I was thinking ‘Let me go, please don’t go there, if I start crying I can not stop.’ And I did not say anything like that. Where was I? Before we got upset with eachother months ago I would have said so. Now I don’t anymore. You know, I think I am really scared. Being in love is all very ok when nobody responds. But I would not know how to deal anymore. I feel so vulnerable. I have this wild heart if not lustful loins since yesterday. Both have the ability to send me all over the place. And I am afraid to lose control. Not that there is anything going to happen cause, I mean, I guess I’m still a ‘coaching project’ as he so nicely put it several months ago. 😦 Which is ok, I mean, I can’t ‘afford’ him, no matter how much I would love to be able to. 😦 I’ve got me to take care of and he’s dangerous for me. Ha, Fleetwood mac phrases it nicely right now.
What else. Nothing. Birthday jitters. Finally told one of my closest friends who has stood by me for the last 2 years now what trouble I had really been in. First reaction ‘Ooh dear, so proud of you that you quit.’ 🙂 And ‘But you did not drink a lot when with us?’ 😦 No girl, I drank on my own, in the dark. Screen on, possibly a candle on and Fleetwood mac in the background. 😦
Still, lots has changed. I am happy that I quit. God, I am soooo happy that I quit. Damn. Imagine the mess I would be in with the bookstore man if I would have been drinking now. Yuk. I would get selfdestructive over it. I would dislike myself because he does not fancy me. I would think that would devalue me. 🙂 Now I can see that I obvious have reasons to pick unlucky. And yes I am sad, I wish it would be easier and haha, no need to fool myself: even if it were easier I would not be able to deal. 😦
wwawwlhd? Cook some dinner and quit eating chocolate and dates. It’s really getting out of hand and I seem to not want to contain myself. Aaah yeah; because I am practising to contain myself in other areas I let go of these. Hmmm, ok, one day it will come together I guess. Even with the OD-ing on chocolate I still have lost several kilos from working. Building up muscle I am very proud of too :-).
Wwawwlhd when it came to the bsm? Hmmm, now there are two paths there. Hmmm. Need to feel into that.
Discipline: still improving in small things. 🙂 Not worrying about things that I ‘should’ have done. That is what the wwawwlhd changed. 🙂
3 things: knowing the bookstore man, my friends, being sober. 🙂
Ooh, just in case you had missed it: I am happy that I quit! 🙂
Hope you are having a nice (sober?) day.