Following the dream I wrote about in the former post, I have been struggling with the vibe of addiction and I am starting to really get an idea of how it works within me. How it connects and what I do energetically. When I look at myself I have been not drinking for 15 months something and that has been ok. My issue has never been with the not drinking but more with the do living. And I thought I missed something in the understanding of addiction that kept/keeps me from living fully. So I askes myself for a dream with an answer to that. Yes that is possible. 🙂
In the dream I went to a detox center to learn more about addiction because I had done it without professional addiction guidance. In the dream I got shots with all kinds of drugs and they blew me away. The idea was that it would teach me how to deal with it. I started fighting them by refusing to take off to cloud 9 and get high/stoned/whatever. In that struggle I learned how to pull myself back into my center and well, condense myself if that makes sense? What I feel about addiction is that it sort of turns my ‘essence’ if you will, into fog. And in the dream excercise I learned to condense the fog into what I experience as ‘me’.
Very uncomfortable all of it. One of the ideas in which my addiction is based is the assumption (true or false?) that I will get killed, or more likely, raped, when I become visible / solid / when I show myself. So this solidifying practise went right against the flow of my fear of living but the joke of the dream was that I HAD to solidify otherwise I would die or get into a state where I would not be able to defend myself. And ooh boy did I distrust the detox group guy.
Solidifying, does the concept of that mean anything to you when it comes to being foggy and/or in relation to the vibe of addiction? To me it is part of the concept of ‘being clear’ which is my ultimate goal that started with quitting drinking. I want to, hope to, work towards a situation where in life, in contact with others I can be totally clear and transparent in what I want, need, give, take, add, build, speak, hear. I don’t want the lies that have been stimulated by addiction to be between me and others. I don’t want the self hate, the people hate, the world hate, well, the addiction induced hate to be there. Neither do I want the pain of former life experiences to determine the size, shape, colour, feel, what have you of my existance, of the way I view new people. I want to unbreak my heart.
The neccessity with which I was shown in that dream that I NEED to change is almost as big as that I NEEDED to stop drinking. The guy in the dream told me or made me realise that I had not done enough and will die of addiction if I do not change. This gheghe, neccessity ‘coincides'(?) very well with the Puer Aeternus book I am reading; it tells about people with a the Peter Pan attitude, people who don’t want to grow up, in my words: don’t want to solidify, want to stay (in) the fog. And also, how their attitude towards life tends to make them die young. So yes, the word ‘coincide’ has been put between brackets because in hindsight I see how the neccessity to change which showed up in the dream has been fed by the book.
And/but, not sure if I did write it down but I have been living in this fear of death for quite a few days, if not several weeks now. I somehow feel there is something coming up. And yes, obviously ‘all’ the signs point towards it. Not sure if I mentioned this either but the other day after the company dinner I had flashes in which ending my life would be really, really a good idea. No, no need to worry, for me it is just a sign of something internal which does not want to deal with reality. But still, death is in the air, a sentence which keeps on popping up in my mind.
Which is….. a sentence which I had been popping into my head for several days now and part of my practice in solidifying and centering is to NOT go to that thought. However… aah, these odd things which happen when I do odd dream courses and read odd books…. Yesterday I walked away from work and suddenly stepped back years in time thinking: I dreamed walking here in the rain. This was years ago. I am having a dejavu of a dream – it felt so real and so dreamlike at the same time. I tried to retrace the dream and it, well, in the dream I had gotten into an accident with a truck a few blocks away.
And this or a little before, would be the part where I go off-track. I know that what I am writing is odd. But it is how I experienced it. And true or not true, it is how I walk through life now. Well, I would like to continue to defend my odd-ness, specifically because I have the idea that less and less people are interested in following (I had planned to never let myself be upset by that but I am 😦 ) my odd-ness, but I will stop here. This is how I do it. And that is odd. Or maybe I am the only one who speaks of the oddness. Don’t know. And I do not know if what I experience is True True, or just my truth or just my current truth or that I am projecting anything and everything. But even if that were true :-), that would be a way to learn then. Can’t have my therapist 24*7. To me, I think, feel, the odder I get, the saner I get. But that will most obviously classify me for some DSM 5 thing I think. 😀
Well, I stopped on the pavement, not knowing what to do. It was pooring down and I did want to get home because I did not have an umbrella and only a thin jacket and cotton leggins with a cotton skirt – no gear to stay in the cold rain with. I was afraid, afraid that my dream would catch up with me, afraid that all my efforts to become sober, to incarnate, to not be another Peter Pan had caught up with me and that I would die an untimely death. And low and behold, from accross the street comes this little tiny, tiny man with a beard and a pointed hat. NOT KIDDING YOU! His legs and arms twist like something is violently itching and the thought “That is the Joker” springs to mind. Second look, closer: it is the bookstore man number 2, the old one. How odd can it get? Well… more odd.
We exchange pleasantries and decide to haha, walk into the secondhand bookstore that is close by. Do you know where you ask “How are you?” when you meet and then a little later in the conversation repeat the question but now with meaning? So did he and I answered “Well, actually really weird, I just stepped into a deja-vu of a dream. And I am glad you showed up because in the dream I would die in an accident around the corner.” And he says: “Yes, death is in the air.”
Death, death, well, it can mean anything, does not have to be physically and I do have quite a list of nasty character traits I would not mind ‘killing’ so maybe I should hand in that list first if Death comes along. Still, it is not nice. And I do have this conviction that what I focus on grows so there was a whole lot of cutting off thoughts and focussing on other things going on. Practice, practice, practice.
So yes, it have been a uncomfortable few days. During daytime I have practised to unfog and solidify almost every 5 minutes, trying to keep me in that space for as long as I could hold on. In real action I have (again?) quit chocolate and added sugar, still eating dates and I have cooked meals full of veggies because my body screams for them.
The dream and the process of solidifying and centering has really given me insight in where I use addictive behaviour; where I transfer feelings or take in external stuff to fill a void or calm a mood. A list:
- chocolate, chips and fatty foods
- internet, social media and Netflix to numb feelings. WordPress sometimes does that but I hope to use it to become aware.
- being sad, yes, well, I knew that because years ago, before I even knew what addictive behaviour could be the Ayahuasca spirit had already told me that sadness is my favorite emotion. Now I realise how I use it as a go to place when I do not want to be confronted with reality.
- The bookstore man and well, practically any man I fancy. Fancying takes me away from myself, puts me in this world of hope and togetherness where everything is fine. It’s not. It is an illusion. In one night all guys I was wondering about lost their charm. It is A-MA-ZING. I very much hope this clarity stays with me.
Good thing about the guy-fascination dropping (no promises for the future): I got to feel how it is to not to have that needing, wanting and reaching influence me and what was left was beautiful. And… funny enough: it was sexual. But not greedy sexual but lively sexual, like connected with Life sexual. That was amazing. I think I have seen a glimps of how it was meant. 🙂 That is good. 🙂 I am happy that I quit.
No promises for the future: exactly after I dropped the guy fascination I got overwhelmed with bookstore man 1 (young one) needing, wanting and reaching feelings from the outside – as in: coming from him. It was overwhelming and fun for 2 seconds until I felt the vibe of his addiction seep through. Wow, awful! Not sure if all this is real. But it does not really matter, what matters is that I got to practice to close up and solidify and center. And I got some insight in (how somehow my mind projects the idea of) a real relation with the BSM would be and that was, highly entertaining and also very sick.
I am happy that I quit. These last days I have had the feeling that I need to grow up quickly or otherwise I am done for and pffff, practise, practise, practise. I feel there is urgency. Which is also why I need to finish this post and go to bed. There is urgency to really take care of me. Not only think and want it but execute it.
Wwawwlhd: she would press it a little more, this urgency, I can’t get it out of my mind. Aaah, last meeting with my therapist (hi!) he explained ‘fear of destruction (of the world) is fear of your own death turned outward’ and apart from that there is some rather nasty stuff going on in the world. So when I understood that in my cells, I let go of the end of the world fear. I am guessing maybe, maybe, maybe I have therewith arrived at fearing my own death. Like unpeeling the onion of psychological problems. 🙂 Several days after I met the bookstore man and we spoke 2 sentences about the world. I said “The world is changing quickly these days.” He confirmed: “Really quickly.” It is a feel thing, not a read the papers thing.
On discipline: need to steal myself. Need more actual action. Working on it but thinking baby steps? Comfort? I need to push a little beyond comfort, that is my idea now. I feel as if there is a baseball bat in my neck ready to strike if I don’t speed up.
I take: boring
3 Things: knowing both bookstore men, knowing my therapist (hi!), this process I go through. So f@cking happy that I am sober. My God. Aah, well, back to the subject: I would have been dead by now if I had continued drinking. I did not! 🙂 And I am not! 🙂 ❤
Hope I did not bore you with my vague developmental thingies. Maybe you would like to do a ‘support Feeling action’ and write about your own vague stuff? 😀 Insecurity, another go to place. Stand tall women! Center! Ground! Breathe!
And smile :-), don’t forget to smile.
Again, no spell check. Still haven’t mailed them. Hope you are ok out there. Have a nice evening/day.