15 months – waking up to the world

Well, 15 months sober yesterday. A lot has changed in the last 15 months. Good passed, bad stuff passed. As said before, even though I drank, as a standard, 12 units an evening for the last year of drinking – I do not miss it. I am actually happy that I quit. 🙂 And a NEW life is emerging. 🙂

The best NEW thing of the last weeks is contentment. Coming home from work, being absolutely tired, wasted, nackered but content. The only thing I have to do during the day is assemble, clean and learn. I do, so I can be content. Also the ‘What would a women who loves herself do?’ question brings a lot of change and contentment too. I either do stuff or I don’t worry about not doing it. Gone are the shoulds and the inner berating of me when it comes to having to do stuff. 🙂

Another NEW thing is the continous feeling of being on my path. No idea where it is heading but NEW to this also is that I can wait how life plays out and that I can trust that it is going to be all righ. That would be VERY NEW. 🙂

I wrote most of this text yesterday, so this is actually a re-read post which has not been published. I mentioned: Guessing next up, some day, is sugar addiction. Yesterday I ate so much sugar in the shape of 1 bar of chocolate and several dates that I woke up this morning and could not remember what I did before going to bed. I found all the cat food unfrozen kitchen, could not find my glasses – had taken them off at a wrong place and I felt just out of whack; slightly depressed, tired (which, yes, could also come from working double targets yesterday) and heart palpatations.

Today, thank you Karly from Growing Human(kind)ness for your post on Sugar, love and longing named Sugar’s secret message about holiday longings. Thank you Universe for putting this on my path right now I can finally read and understand it with my cells. It is, wow, well heart opening post for me. Having my vertebra’s ‘reset’ by a osthepath-like doctor is nice, it helps with my shoulderpain. But the vertebra at heart height helps with love. It is scary and it is marvellous. For years now I have had the idea that my heart is not functioning as an organ, that the, well, if you want to call it chakra, is not doing its thing. I keep my heart locked up saying “I am not going to let anyone walk over it again.” But that is not sufficient for real, healthy life because, as said before: life wants to live and a heart just wants to love.

The post from Karly helped me to get another view on longing. I guess my upbringing has told me that longing = desire and is a dirty thing. With reading Karly’s post I found I view upon longing/desire with pitty, find it a little pathetic and unclean. So, obviously not something acceptable or desirable. My ‘therapeutic’ view of longing is that it is a feeling which arrises when needs are not met. And that there is a clear difference between needs and longing / desire. My new view now is more accepting and includes Karly’s view: longing has a function of sending us out into the world. 🙂 Which I think is beautiful.

I have been developing this idea of Life whiche is pretty binairy if you like: there are things that drive us and things that stop us. Longing would be a drive to go out and develop. Desire now seems a longing that is misplaced. So I long for love, can’t deal with that due to unresolved issues so I desire chocolate. Turn longing into desire and it becomes, in the short or long run a force that stops us, like alcohol.

On matters of the heart in practise: the night before last I dreamed about the bookstore man. I finally came to the place where I think I can stay centered no matter what reaction he gives after 2 months and 2 weeks no contact. I had Facebook messaged him before but he did not read that – I would guess that sort of indicates that he does not want contact. But I still have borrowed books so, well, I thought to drop them by yesterday. First I pulled a tarot card on information on my state of being. Worked out to be 2 of crystals and in my deck, I got two of crystals, which is called equanimity. That would be a good state to walk around in. Somehow the universe thought differently: store closed due to circumstances. Well, this gives me more time to practice my equanimity :-). First thought was ‘Ooh, what would be wrong, hope he’s ok! Blablablablablaa.´ Ghegheghe…. ok, practicing equanimity. 🙂

I hope to come to a state where I can see what is going on in this (non) relation. What (tf!) I am projecting, what I think he has that I need and I actually do hope we can be friends. But that can only happen when/if I clean up my own shit and do NOT get into the desire mode. It is difficult. Working on it because I think he is worth it. Or not, but I can only find that out when I sort out my own shit because of me. And not because I secretly want to secretly, secretly force things. Sometimes this pops up. Not easy. I need to learn to forgive myself. 😦

Well, 15 months, 1 day. 🙂 Also NEW is that there is something more or less waking up to the world again. Not sure how to call it. I do not feel like I need to hide professionally anymore eventhough I have NO clue what and where I do have a sense of something big emerging somewhere. I do feel that there is no time and space for e.g. a relation and that bugs me because I am slowly, slowly starting to realise that I do not want to be alone anymore. However I am guessing that realising I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone is also a much needed step towards the world and a step which needs attention. I need to set my intentions correctly, keep a good check on those. Still reading the Jung book on anima and animus in relations but J…z, it is slow….. and repetitive and not clear and…. :-D.

On the subject of ‘love’ and ‘relation’: I have been, well ‘monitoring’ my reactions to the guys at work and I found I do a lot of dissing myself. For instance, somebody hands me some rubbish thingy and jokingly says “For your trousseau.” (Yes, I had to look that word up :-D) Obviously that was  hurtful humour to cover up his nice deed but I top it off with; “I already have one, got it at my graduation from my mom. She said: I don’t think you are ever going to marry so I just like to give you this now.”

These tiny, tiny remarks, just, teasing but they also mean so much more. Like I’m warning people off. Well, I feel like I have to now my boss accused me of flirting with the guys. I don’t want to flirt. I think to be able to pride myself for keeping a very good check on what vibes go in and out. Flirting at a job is against my professional protocol – specifically when being a selfemployed professional I do not want to confuse people. I only have 1 reputation and the branch I used to work is is small. Also and I will not be able to substanciate any flirting so that would make me a tease if I would flirt. I found her comment and irritating projection.

The other day my boss was speaking with her favo cleaner and making obscene guestures of licking a well…  The whole set up smells like trouble. If she was a guy I would have kicked him in the balls 10 times over by now. 😦 Sexual intimidation by superiors. Not my problem. Or… not sure. I don’t want to focus on it too much because it all seems to be happening in good cheer and I have enough problems of my own but these stories never seem to end well.

She kept on asking him why he thinks women can’t do adultery while men can and if he ‘would with her’ saying, shouting, she has lust. Yes!  We noticed! 😀 It is amazing that I find ALL my work issues on one plate in this function and the Universe set it up so nicely with a woman in charge that I did not recognise it. 😀 I keep on telling me that it is not my problem. Then again, if the cleaner were a women and the boss a man I would have intervened already. And yes I am sorry to be showing you this underdeveloped side of our country. PC-ness is not in our genes or culture. 😦 Rereading this after writing it yesterday I think I can come to the conclusion that I am looking to fault her because I find her too overwhelming. Being critical of her behaviour makes me feel more secure of me. 😦 Ok now, let’s try another path. Not sure which yet. We will see. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. Just like that: I am happy that I quit. I discover new things to living and I find it good.

WWAWWLHD? She would quickly finish this post and go outside because the sun is shining and she needs sun and light and air.

I want: life is ok as it is. More money would be nice :-). And no shoulder problems. Slowly the pain is leaving, it also has a lot to do with relaxing, settling into life. Ooh, yeah, my therapist, who is a haptonomic (? is that the word) man too said: existential crisis brings on frozen shoulders. Well, that would tie in nicely with the conversation I had with my shoulder a few months ago (“You let me carry all your money worries while I am not made for that!!!”)

3 Things: Karly’s post on sugar, nice weather outside, the dream course which started last Tuesday, follows tonight and next Tuesday and Thursday. :-).

I take: Ayurvedic medicine but I forget them often. I try to eat better but that only works 2 meals a day. I find that after a day of hard work it is difficult to get up and cook so (yes, shedding some light on some dark secrets here…) I often end up eating a bag of chips and/or a bar of chocolate (100 gram, 72% – I keep on mentioning that so you don’t think that I eat like 200 grams of 50% :-D. Oooh, this is so addicty….. :-/)

On discipline: work discipline is developping and I am loving the organisation in my brain. At home I am slacking a bit but that is ok, I’m learning a LOT.

What else did I have. Dunno. Memory is still bad. That worries me. It also worries me to find out that from (almost) all the sober blogpeople I know and follow here I am the one who drank most. There comes a time that I need to look into that because it is starting to hurt. Not sure why. Possibly because that makes it real? There is this fleeting thought that continues to say ‘Well, because you could quit so easily, you weren’t all that bad.’ And then I read that ‘others’ ‘only’ drank one bottle of wine a night. That would be me working up an appetite…. 😦 I think one day I need to go do AA to put things into perspective. But not now because the sun is shining and I need to catch it before it goes under. 🙂 So, no spell check either. I think I will drop WP a line, asking them to put the spellcheck back.

Hope you are having a nice time. 🙂 Take care with all the festivities. If I may: please do realise that alcohol is NOT an answer to ANY of your questions, needs or longings and that drinking will ONLY make things which are wrong worse. End of speech.

Love and hugs,

Feeling