Life as it is and sadness

Things are changing so basically and rapidly hat I feel I need a lot of time to catch up.  Loads of NEW!! 🙂 Loads of basic repairs after years of drinking. 🙂

The doctor who is alligning my vertebra’s has done one at the heigth of the heart twice now and all kinds of heart issues pass by. Physically the area of my heart has become more sensitive the first days after the treatment. I’m thinking, assuming… the muscles are more relaxed but the muscle memory still thinks ‘stress!!’ and wants to return to the old state so I have had some cases of irregular heartbeat and stress which seemed to come out of nowhere and had no mental images to it other than me thinking; ‘Looks like my body wants to return to how it was.’ Because, shit yeah, on the one hand it is very, very, very scary and real to have a heart that is opening up and on the other I finally start to feel like it is working as it should. Sometimes it is an effort to not to step into the scary again. Like my therapist said: never underestimate the power of wanting to hang on to bad things (just because it is familiair – which is my own addition).

I’m thinking life wants to live just as a heart wants to love. I cherish the thoughts that these are laws of nature; our life, body and energy system wants to do well and when we or life’s happenings do not put anything in its way (like drinking, abuse or war to name some) it will eventually (want to) balance out to a healthy state. It is like those movies of dogs with no hind legs running in the field in their specially made carts, playing with other dogs; they are happy, not frustrated or sad like me, or moody, just happy. I always find that so intriguing.

I am starting to understand that I can be happy too. Not the kind of happy where I have to work hard to be happy but the one where I deserve to be happy just because I am alive. 🙂

I work 3 days a week now and will be working 4 days a week in the upcoming weeks if all goes well. It is still physically taxing because of the lifting, standing, carrying, walking and loud noise. And my boss ofcourse. I came to the conclusion that she is my karma. She is EXACTLY what I need to deal with, she represents the negative, berating mother that I have inside and I need to learn to deal with that.

Guess what? Well, it is early days but I think it is working. The OD of berating and yelling makes me want to stand up for myself instead of lay down and be trampled. It’s a harsh way to learn but part of it, in combination with the therapy makes me think it is working. Funny thing is: the other day I did something profoundly stupid, which, well, was not entirely my fault because nobody actually informed me that there were several checklists for quantities and that I had the one of the day before – with the day of the day itself….. Yeah, complicated… works out, I am gathering particles for the next day and get loads of them. Boss walks in and asks what the hell I am doing. Well eh…. what you told me to?

A lot of shouting and asking questions and not waiting for the answers continued at which I need to quit the work and continue scrubbing the plinths, on my knees, on the partially wet floor, behind machines. Yes. This still happens in 2015. I don’t mind, they needed cleaning, so from the moment she’s gone I whistle my way through this like any good Cinderella would. The building has great accoustics. And during that hour of cleaning I realise that I don’t care, that how I value myself has not changed. Somebody has got to clean stuff, I’m fine with doing so. After an hour she comes back on the floor and asks ‘Who the F! has got me to scrub those plinths?!!’ Like it was some sort of joke people pull on the new one. I am perplexed and say ‘You did?!’ (sitting on the floor, in a puddle…) She looks surprised and walks off. I did not get what that was about. I did not mishear her. It is a little strange come to think of it.

My (male!) collegues got very angry over me having to do this cleaning but I told them I don’t care. There is this little internal shift going on where the guys are backing me now against my boss and I don’t like it. That backfires immediately where my boss, in the afternoon drinks says ‘Feeling flirts with the guys.’ I don’t. I keep a neat track of the vibes coming and going and put a halt to them either way with a non responsive fake polite smile. Flirting at work is against my protocol. I’m new, can’t afford controversy and I don’t want to hurt people. Most of these guys are lonely and will do anything to be not alone. They are not my type so I will not be able to substanciate flirting any how so there is a no-go road. So at that moment I asked every guy by name if they felt I flirted with them and they all very nicely replied I did not. Next my boss ‘jokingly’ asks the (very handsome, very cute, very funny and assertive) cleaner to go steady with her. Sigh. CONFUSING. Power and sex games. Don’t want to burn myself. Need to keep in the clear.

Also, some of the guys are looking for a saviour and mistake my fight with myself and my boss as something which proves I am a warrior who will, I don’t know, save them? Loads of power games going on. I DON’T WANT THAT! But I need to change my fighting mode in order to step out of it. That is difficult because she is me is my arch-enemy. (That sentence is correctly written) That’s the whole deal, when I look at it compassionately she also is very lonely and working so hard to find approval, succeed and do well. Just like me. 😦

So, obviously I am walking in a ‘lonely’ projection phase. Last Saturday at after work drinks a lot of things happened. I, again, plainly stated that I don’t drink alcohol. Better to do that upfront I thought when I am new enough for people not to ask weird questions. Then one guy admitted to having to quit drinking.

Next we got introduced to the idea of receiving a bottle of prosecco for Christmas at which I said; ‘Well, I don’t drink so there is no need to order one for me. But I would be delighted with getting some tea – oooh, if I am still here that it.’ With which I referred to me being on probation (is that the word?). And she said ‘??? Is there something you want to tell me? Do you have reasons not to be here?!’ Which was a kind and sponteneous reply. I started stuttering saying ‘Eh, no, but I’m here on probations and I was assuming so… eh… (blush)’.

At which my boss said: I’ll get you as much tea as you want, what was it, no green, no black, no licorice?’ How attentive is that?! She remembered that from day 1!  :-). NOBODY, not even my family remembers what tea I drink. (Ok, A, you do 🙂 <3) My mom still thought I drank coffee at age 35. After 1 cup I NEVER drank coffee in my whole life!!! So yes, I was astonished and happy. 🙂

I have been living alone for so long that I start crying internally, and sometimes visibly too when people just make me a cup of tea. Being surrounded by so many men and women at work who are so lonely really gets to me. I guess it works like a mirror. I think maybe that trusting people and letting them in might be a next step in sobriety for me. I am surrounded by lovely friends and still I have bouts of real loneliness. I assume it comes with the strangeness of my character. But hey, that was another topic at the Saturdays drink: I said ‘Well, I guess I’m just strange when it comes to food and stuff.’ At which my boss replied seriously: ‘You might think you are but I do not think you are any stranger than any of the other people working here.’ Which was meant comforting.

So why am I writing all these tiny details down? Because they teach me how I deal with stuff and the dealing is in the details for me. Last paragraph taught me that my boss is very nice and accepting of people when the pressure is off. Also, that I keep on presenting myself to the world as weird. I still devaluate myself upfront. Let’s see how that turns out. A women who loves herself would not find any need in doing that. 🙂

Oooh, on the works screw up and the scrubbing of the plinths: after work at leaving I said ‘Sorry for the screw up.’ And I meant it. She looks at me and says ‘Aah, don’t worry, we all make mistakes.’ And she meant that too. I was flabbergasthed. I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess I thought I was doing the adult thing and btw, also taking the sting out of the situation because the guys who want me to be their fighting hero against the mean witch were present when I said this. I realised I expect people to look down their nose derisively and not forgive or forget, hold a grudge and well, what have you? So much to learn. And so important for me to keep on finding my centre from which I respond because wow can this go wrong if I don’t. I guess that finding my centre, holding on to it and returning to it when I get upset is what this whole job is about.

The Saturdays drink also introduced me to some other collegues. A father of one of the guys died suddenly and he had to fly back to a country in Africa for the funeral. Collegues are worried that he will start drinking again. Showing up under influence or hung over is forbidden at work because of the dangerous machines.

They guy who stopped drinking and said so has a father who lives at the Salvation Army because ‘He can not take care of himself very well.’ These kind, simple words, spoken by a son, they hide so much pain from the past.

One of the guys comes from Sierra Leone, his parents were killed when he was 8 years old and he took is 2 little brothers and fled. One of the brothers did not make it. The collegue sometimes does not show up because he has PTSS and does not sleep and hides in bed. My boss insists on keeping him in the firm though, she says ‘We are his family, he has got nobody else.’ She has a very humane side to her.

Another collegue comes from Vietnam, she fled with her parents for Viet Cong at age 14. ‘I was in a boat. I sat nex to the water. The water was here. A bomb fell. Next to me. It fell in the water. I am not smart. I do not understand things. This was a bomb and it fell in the water. If it would have been on the boat, we would have been dead. My sister went on another boat. She came under the water. We think she is dead. We had no water and no food left, we all lay in the boat. We thought we would die. Shippes passed, we waved, they passed. A ship from the USA, a ship from France, a ship from the Netherlands. They all passed. We were sure we would die. And then the ship from The Netherlands stopped. So we came here.’

I don’t know why I tell you all this. It is very emotional for me to be there, to work in this environment. When this collegue told me her story of coming to Europe tears welled up. I am very teary since I got sober. Things ‘get’ to me easily, different from earlier I seem to hear what people have gone through in their words, see it in their posture and expressions.

Well, another messy post on the happenings in sobriety now I step into the world. 🙂 One day, one day I will clean up these posts. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. I feel that somehow things are falling into place automatically now and I well, this sounds strange but I feel I am EXACTLY where I need to be. I have this feeling of being carried into time, into the future. I do not have a clue what it is about but it feels like there is a big energetic wave happening. Maybe it is about my heart opening up, energy, chi, qi, starting to flow again. Maybe I am imagining it. I am curious to find out how things evolve from here.

Wwawwlhd: go to bed ;-). A women who loves herself actually does a lot of things which are very good for me and she enjoys what she is doing. That is most of the time the answer I get. ‘She would enjoy walking here and let go of the stress.’ 🙂

I want: hmmm, to be less afraid of things in general. And I want my clear head. I easily make mistakes with counting and that worries me. I want to do well at my job. I need my clear head, not only for the company, my boss and my collegues but also for me. Being addicted had a lot to do with not wanting to be in my clear head.

I take: Ayurvedic pills but I forget them often. Starting to eat healthier though and really feeling the difference. Still high on chocolate though. I am afraid I need to cut out the sugar for getting the clear head. I am not ready yet. It would feel like I have nothing to hold onto anymore. Yes, I know it is a replacement addiction. And I feel I can currently not do anything about it apart from monitoring it and waiting for a window of opportunity.

On discipline: love conquers all 🙂 The WWAWWLHD? is for me the best entry in retrieving ‘discipline’ and ‘doing the right thing’ and letting that what I don’t feel like drop just like that without guilt. 🙂

I must make a list of the things I was going to write about because I can’t remember. Don’t feel like looking it up so this is it.

Hope you have a nice sober time!

xx, Feeling

PS: No spell check today. WP seems to have thrown it out. Hope I did not write anything strange, apart from, well, writing about strange stuff. 😀