Learning, learning, learning

Wow, never knew there was so much to learn from (still!) having this tiny 3 day job. I am still flabbergasted by the fact that I noticed last week that feelings which seem very solid and true and important and well, what have you, can change overnight. Yeah, yeah, I sort of feel like ‘you all knew that’ and  ‘I am the only one being in the dark about this’. In my mind I hear you say things like;  ‘what do you expect with the blog name you chose’ and ‘should have gone to AA, she would have known by now that ‘this too shall pass”.

It’s a-ma-zing what pops up with this new job. But first: I applaud everybody who got sober while working. I don’t think I could have done it.

So I seem to berate myself over not knowing this and feel stupid for it and now accuse others of thinking that of me. Which, well, you could be thinking I am stupid, but how am I to know? (Ooh please please please please please don’t go confirm my thought that you think I am stupid, I’m just learning not to think for others here… 😉 – and should not in the process start telling you what to or not to tell me. Gosh, traps everywhere!!!)

So, it is all about projecting again and again and again and again. For those who are not familiar with the term: it stems from psychology and it refers to behaviour where people who have difficulty with something but are in denial of that, sort of spray paint the difficulty on their image of somebody else or even on whole groups.

So I berate myself, am in denial of that and now think you berate me. This is where the ‘What you think of people says more about you than about them’ comes in.

I went to see my therapist, had a big big big cry over being ashamed towards my (now 8 years deceased mother) about drinking and wasting almost all her inheritance money on bad business and life decisions. The last 20.000 I spend on getting sober. That would be a good thing, possibly.

I got to the point where I had an internal conversation with my mother, asking her forgiveness, asking her to love me and not be stand offish. And with that I realised how much I needed her acceptance, how much I had been keeping up a fence just not to get hurt, not to be disappointed. While realising that her defence collapsed and I saw her not as the criticising ‘force of nature’ I had always taken her for but as a real person with her own difficulties and her own character. Ooh mom, I’m so so sorry.

I notices that through my projection and possibly counter projection we had gotten stuck into this power duel. Ooh mom, I never wished this. I am sorry. I don’t know how it happened. I was mad. At you, for becoming sick and not being able to give me what I needed. I was too young mom to live with the fear of having to let you go. That’s just it, when the one person you need and love falls away and you want to, go to the one person you need and love to be comforted.

I was confused, I was hopeless; I became mad at the world, mad at me, felt like I failed because I was so miserable and there was no one to comfort me. I was angry that I could not get out of the horrible situation we were in. All this pain and later, all the arguments, the tension, the never know when you were going to blow up, have a tantrum, start cursing. It was so scary. I wanted out. I know you had no other way. I seem to have had no other way. I hope you find another way in your new life.

I don’t know why we met. I don’t think I have finished learning what I need to learn from you. And maybe, maybe I was only there to show you that it is a good idea to buy flowers for yourself when you need them, when you want them, to not wait for somebody else to bring them.

I can’t deal with criticisms, and in order to prevent it I became a perfectionist. My mother, being a perfectionist herself never let go and I internalised an über critical internal mother who berates me constantly. I berate myself constantly. Nothing is ever good enough. For a few minutes in that session with my therapist I could hold on to the image of my mother as a real person and I was me, and not me berating myself. There was peace within. Restoration of humanity. Things to learn.

…… things did not end there. Within minutes after being (temporarily) released from the berating internalised mother I adapted my fathers issue thinking ‘Well, it does not really matter whether or not you find peace in this because the world is blowing up anyhow.’ About the addiction to issues. About ‘how far do I take it to be exactly not happy’.

Back to real life: I’ve got myself a boss who blows up whenever, over the tiniest details and is correcting everybody with every breath she takes. And it makes me feel very insecure in what I do. Sigh. Karma; that what has not been ‘solved’ will continue to pop up. Guess I need to deal with this some day. 🙂

I have a male colleague who is very laconically towards my boss. He says yes in her face and then goes and does what he wants. But in a way she does not see or notice it. Funny thing, so far it does not feel sneaky somehow, it feels respectful of her over caring and responsible towards the job he needs to finish. This is a weird thing to see. As long as I have the chance I will continue to watch how they play this out. I do not think it is my way but there is a learning experience in it for sure. 🙂

So I have difficulty with accepting that my moods seem to change quickly and that makes me feel shifty and shady and stupid. However, as a real human and possibly, as a real addict, I am in denial of this but the energy of the difficulty is still there and needs a way out. I sometimes feel these energies are entities by themselves and they want to be born. If the can’t be born in me, they amazingly pop up in my environment. In the text above I spray painted them on you and my mother. 😦

Next week I’ll be working 4 days, and looking to continue to work 4 days from there on but I want to keep a 2 day weekend and with the company being closed on a weekday and Sunday that takes some planning and I am not sure yet if my boss is into adjusting her schedule to me. We will see. 🙂

I am happy that I quit although I noticed something strange which worries me a little. One of my colleagues is a real party animal and while cleaning up together we were exchanging party stories and having a laugh about them. I forgot all about me not drinking. When I realised I was I said: ‘Well, that was. I don’t drink anymore.’ And he started telling me I should. ‘Not too much, but you should drink, in moderation of course, everything in moderation.’ Well, as in the reply I posted on Sober Mom’s post today: There are people who drink and people who make you drink.

This ‘you need to drink’ attitude is so typical for people who are hooked/addicted to alcohol but have little awareness of that. You need to drink. Pffff. Haha. NO I DON’T. But I still wished all my troubles would be over and I could. So, 😦 to me that is a worrisome reaction. Maybe I should not stay after work this Saturday and then there is this pull to want to fit in, not stand out. I actually felt myself wanting to agree with my colleague who said one should drink. Specifically him adding ‘in moderation’ really spoke to me. Slippery slope. I am getting cocky because I feel I am dealing sooo well with the difficulties I am having at my work. Yeah, sorry, childish reaction. But that’s just how it is. 😦

I notice this behaviour in me which I call very addicty: as soon as I have done something difficult I find that I need a reward. Everything is reward based. Oooh, and the reward is never ‘go to bed on time’ or ‘eat my vegetables’ just in case you wondered. 🙂 I will add this to the list.

Reward exchange: the thought popped up that when I had this job, I might drink a beer so now and then with my colleagues, just to not stand out. Ooh yeah, and the subject ‘man’ is in my life again by desiring 2 of my colleagues. Both very unsuitable but I am just going to see how this develops in me. And there is chocolate….

The bookstore man still has not replied to my message to him and FB indicates that he has not read it since Saturday. So I guess he’s just not that interested? Whatever, one of these weeks I will return the books and hope some parts of the puzzle fall into place. I feel the issue is that I do not want to see him as human. I keep on idolizing him and that brings a smoke screen between me and knowing what t F is going on.

Wwawwlhd? Funny, can’t think of anything currently. That probably means I am in some sort of funny state because it is pretty close to bedtime, I am tired but not going. Maybe, if I can’t answer this question I am not really feeling myself. Like the other day where I had a panic attack and asked myself wwawwlhd? and all I got was a blank. I guess that is because I could not imagine what it was like to love myself.

I want: aaaah, well…. Hmm, now I want to go to bed.

3 Things: 1 lovely coaching session with an old intern today, I have spent 3 hours coaching him with technical info for his new business. That was cool, he is such a great guy. 🙂 Happy. 2 A friend coming over. 3 There is a storm like weather here, the clouds move like crazy quick, i find it very impressive and beautiful.

On discipline: something funny, I needed to clean the house today for visitor and I did it, but not at the speed I would normally do. I was tired and just did not feel like rushing myself because the minutes I would save would not add up to the stress I would get. NEW thought.

I take: starting to forget to take my ayurveda pills, also because I am not eating well. Too tired. But I hope to get back into eating well tomorrow. Missing my veggies. Although, technically chocolate is a veggie too… or? Something is moving on that field though, I am starting to feel a little, but continuously, nauseous after eating chocolate. Guess my body is preparing for change. 🙂

Bedtime. Hope you are having a good time. I have noticed that I am not online a lot anymore. And my WP timeline is very full because I signed up for all the 20 award winning blogs of the other day and some of them are really productive. But I don’t read them so maybe, maybe….. 🙂 Decisions, decisions. Ooh yeah, that is funny; time is getting a scares thing because of work. 🙂 NEW! And when I buy things I start to relate back to how many hours / minutes I need to work for that. NEW. It is a realisation I need in my life. 🙂 I think some day it will stimulate me to look beyond my current horizon. So that is good.

Where did the spell check of WP go? 😦

xx, Feeling