Life has been changing continuously since my last post, well since the ‘What would a woman who loves herself do’. A woman who loves herself does not set the bar so high when she continuously feels she can fail that bar so she gets herself a job at a place where she feels ok and in a function she likes and feels she can do. So far so good with my re-introduction into society after years of drinking feelings away. 🙂
It feels like herewith I do a ‘admit that we are powerless’ thing. There is this change in attitude where I do not want to force myself into a mold of a job with the ‘usual’ status, I just do what I feel I can do.
Having said that, ghegheghe, it took me 3 days to get into HIGH levels of anxiety. Funny thing was that I actually slept badly over worrying about something I had done wrong – I can not even remember what it was anymore (!) but it was bad. It was all over the place, it was going to crush me, my fierce and powerful boss was going to crush me and rip me to pieces. All of it. And obviously I did not sleep well. I realise again and again that the emotions I go through; being tired after work, being scared of doing something wrong, being scared of being despised, being scared of lacking physical safety: all of it are reasons for me to drink. It is so strange to deal with this sober. I actually never did. And I notice there is something else I never do: check this panic with reality. No check what so ever. Well, I guess that cutting out the brain and only ‘thinking’ with the amygdala is the essence of panic 🙂
What also interested me is that all the issues I had at other jobs pop up in the first days, first week of my new job. Makes me seriously doubt whether I do not create them by myself. I mean, if I run into THE SAME ISSUES everywhere…. maybe, maybe…. I need to find a way to deal with it? Well, eh, I HAVE to find a way to deal with it be it by not sorting them out as my favorite problem – defusing or guiding the energetic mechanics in it. Or, when it is something that comes with groups of people for instance, learn to deal with it. I get a very, very clear picture of my perfectionism now. How it combines with a person of authority – my new boss is very bossy, snappy and direct and has a very bad mood in the morning. So bad that she not even warns me but tells me of and says not to give smart replies or even react to her when it is morning. Yeah, I did it again: find a boss who thinks it is ok to take their mood out on the underlings.
I would like to add here that I made it my thing to try to never do that because I have lived with somebody who did this to us for years. Now I let go of the resistance to the concept I think I am starting to feel how I am not moody, but do like to determine the energy in the group. So not moody but otherwise forcefully present. Hmmm, control issues somebody? 😀
This makes me so curious of the workings of life and karma, if you will: how can I AGAIN!! find a boss who thinks it is ok to take her mood out on people. It is soooo unprofessional and sooooo illogical to work in a place where you start at 7:15 if you are bad with mornings. I have one funny thing: you can wake me up any time of the night and I am bright awake and capable of doing anything I normally do without moaning. Much to other people’s horror I am even chatty in the morning. 🙂 Luckily this job is too high paced and it needs constant attention so I could not worry about her snide remark for a long time. Looking back I guess I did take it home however.
I notice during the day how I can be submissive, even subservient and rule myself out under her influence. Not very elegant, don’t feel like thinking about it.
Add to all of that a strapping young men and an older men (well, my age) showing signs of interest in me and I have got all my issues back again in one basket. 😀 I am thinking now indeed that because of people’s specific build we run into the issues we have not solved long enough until we solve them. That is my idea of karma; we project our inner issues onto the others untill it irritates us enough to deal with it. I mean, why other would I encounter the same issues in a workplace ALL OF MY LIFE? That can not be the outside world only. It has to be me too. 🙂 I hope for now that I learn to deal with it / let go, that the message is not: learn to fight or run. 😀
By the way, just want to put it in here because it has a function although I am not sure how exactly. My boss is very bossy, and she very sternly tells guys what to do. She can come in and literally shout orders, put in a jest and/or demeaning remark and leave. I am intimidated by that, I heard from a guy who works there longer that the girl who was fired last week was very much intimidated by that and did not rise above the water again after having been thrown in. I think he was telling me this to help me see that my boss can be intimidating. He finished with casually saying things like ‘She does not bite’ and ‘You’ll get used to it, don’t worry.’
Next to that the guys that got assigned to the girls squad I work in were speaking about my boss to as in ‘Ooooh, it is yep yep yep yep this and yep yep yep yep that again.’ – by which they meant dog barking. I found that a little, hmmm, demeaning at first because they would not react like that if she were a guy. But then again I think they would. In this work situation there is ‘nothing’ wrong with shouting orders, but there is always something wrong with being demeaning. All in all it made me feel like I am not the only one who has issues with her behaviour – so that is eh, comforting in its own wrong way. 🙂 I guess this is how groups (can) work. I have this ideal where people start with a work meeting and from there on work in a flow and instead getting orders fired at them and work under pressure. I guess that is not happening here yet and I should let go of this idea because I use it as a sort of spiritual – intellectual ‘I know it better’ shield against my boss’ fierceness.
What I find intriguing is that nobody ever asked me why (tf) I want this job and not go do something that is more inline with my level of education. I’m guessing my way of applying tricked her into setting me up for a trial day and I did so well that she just skips that question and wants to keep me. Hey! I even got a locker and safety shoes without having to ask for them. 🙂
I am happy that I quit. I don’t know where this road will lead me but I have enough to take care of right now I can say. Happy that I am not so awfully tired after a day of work anymore. I do not try to adjust my day schedule yet. I still struggle with getting my food in in the right portions at the right time. The work is physically taxing and I don’t want to fall over but I don’t want to overeat myself either. And after work I am too tired too cook. And I did not clean my house for a whole week so it is a mess in the kitchen too.
Currently I am set up for 3 days a week: Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, but my boss wants me to work more. I need to make really sure that I keep my clear head and downtime in order to process stuff and not fall into the same mistakes I have been making all my life. That to me comes first. Well, I can’t rule them out all of them but I have to be able to process stuff.
I want: ghegheghe, for time to slow down a little. Ooh yeah, time has gotten its meaning back now it is restricted. That is cool, that also makes me feel more alive and part of society. 🙂
I take: Ayurvedic medicine but I feel they are not very helpful anymore now I do not combine it with good food. I also took some Bach remedies because I had no way of getting past my lack of confidence, it was overwhelming. Aah, that’s why they did not work, I took something for the lack of confidence while I was already in total panic.
What would a women do who loves herself?: finish this post, have a shower, clean the house and go to meet friends.
On discipline: it works real funny, the wwawwlhd makes me not do stuff I ‘think’ I should and not berate myself over it when I don’t – so it makes me more ‘lazy’ but happier. Yesterday it also made me open a letter which I would normally not have opened in a years time! Because a women who loves herself does not want to put herself through the stress of stalling and the stress and shame that come with that. How is that for a plot twist? 🙂 I like it! 🙂
3 Things: 1 beautiful small and big, daily and deep conversations with on- and offline friends which, dunno, just make me happy. 🙂 2 My job and the learning I do and the path I feel is opening up. 3 I am actually experiencing contentment and also the concept of being part of something bigger. Both are new! I had missed that for a long time. 🙂 I never noticed so much but I guess I have lived a lonely life the last years. To me I see this step back into society as a piece of the sobriety puzzle that was still missing. I guess that is why I did not often experience pride. Because this work-money-house puzzle piece was still missing. Well, I strongly feel this path is the next step into finding my destiny. 🙂 Aah, another missing part of the puzzle. 🙂
Hope you are having a nice sober day. I am happy that I quit, I hope you are happy too 🙂