Learning life, again

So, in my newest adventure after quitting drinking I now find myself in a job. A tiring one :-). Not your average office job but a production job with standing all day and lifting and cleaning a lot. I have no idea where this job will take me, just that it felt like it was a good decision to apply for it when I saw the vacancy. The pay is minimal, I think I can just, or exactly not, pay for my living when working 90%. Working more than 2-4 days a week is out of the question for me now. I need a very clear head in this job, loads of counting and calculating and quick actions. I can do that but not when I rush in because then my brain gets overwhelmed. So I need to ease in a little. My boss wanted to take me on for 2 days but after the trial days she’s asking for 5. I told her I need to ease into this job. I think she understood. I am flattered but I am not sure whether I can deal with this pressure. Next week easy week though, only 2 days scheduled. This week 4.

I started Tuesday on a test day. Thursday I had another ‘test day’ in another position. Unfortunately the other girl from the post before did not get through her probation time because of me succeeding during these trial days. So how is that for an entry back in society. 😦 It works out she had cried terribly and was saying that she got bullied every where and had finally found a place where people liked her. (Which, by what I hear, is a bit of a miscalculation…. 😦 ) It is soooo sad. It has nothing to do with me but still I find it hurtful and difficult.

O God, give us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed,
The courage to change what can be changed,
and the wisdom to know the one from the other.

I feel like a fraud; what if my shoulder gives in? I had anticipated some minor lifting but the new, more interesting ‘promotion’ took me to a place where I had to lift boxes of 5 kilo way over my head. And I was stupid enough to do so. This is part of what I think is old behaviour where I let ‘what others think of me’ go before caring for me. I could have just gotten a stool to stand on. Not that this is regular because the guys working there are all way taller, but still.

All of it, how I enter this firm, how I respond to people, how people respond to me. I have never done a job probation time sober. I would drink at least 3 evenings in the week.

My boss called me a know-it-all after 2 days. I replied ‘Yeah, you caught me. What can I say? It is true……
‘Is it any consolation to you that you, with saying that now, have beaten the quickest boss I encountered with one day?’ 😉
‘Not sure.’
‘Nah. Yeah. For me neither.’

Oooh, I really need to stop saying strange things.

About strange things. Another one of my fears coming true. I grew up professionally in the European Headquarters of an American company. During that time the USA developed a sexual harassment code with the green light, orange light, red light comments and behaviour. My boss crossed the orange and red light comments already at the first day. She started of with a box that was between her legs. ‘Hmm finally something between my legs’. And continued asking me: ‘Do you have a man?’ At which I replied that I was not so much into the ‘having’ and she replied: ‘A dildo will do just fine.’ After which she asked a collegue of mine what dildo she had. Then she continued to laugh about a reply she got from an underling on her question ‘How was your first time?’ (intercourse) ‘I was drunk, I can’t remember’.

I was standing there thinking: my first time was non-consensual. Hmm, don’t want to write about this. :-/

I find it difficult, the things she says. It makes me feel like I have to be cool with it to be part of the group. I never realised the extend of this kind of behaviour, specifically when coming from a boss. It is so strange to feel all these things while not coming out of a hangover or planning to get into one. As in: feeling it while actually being in the moment. I can only imagine how overwhelming life can be for newly sober people who do go out on a daily base to meet people. In these sober 14 months I have often ‘envied’ sober people with a job but now I don’t think I could have been sober and working. And I need to make sure that I do not turn that statement around.

So what do I do? Currently I just at the moment, realise how much distress and anxiety these comments and situations cause me and how, when I am in that situation want to ‘jump’ somewhere but I do not know where. Today I thought: there is something that is not there anymore. Something I used to do / have. What is it? And I realised it was the imagined escape through drinking. Lucky the machinery and music is so loud that we don’t have to speak.

Other new things: sleeping between workdays. It sucks. I am immediately drawn into the anxiety I did not even know I had. No, not true. I knew I had it but I am very much in denial about it. As in: I know I know it is there but I ‘prefer’ to not recognise it in my behaviour or think about it during the day. I am so vulnerable to compliments and berating, that is a tough one. I shrink when I get told I do something wrong and bloom when I get a compliment. Poor, poor affection starved kid. It is very, very strange to realise all these energetic things only at age 45.

I do know why I drank. :-/ Not saying that it was/is a good thing to do, but I am starting to feel that old performance anxiety again. Fear of failing, fear of being not good enough. That would be rooted in shame yes. Last night at falling asleep I had this ‘shock’ where all the muscles contract and you dream of falling. I dreamed that I dropped a piece of work. 😀 / 😦 Only a few days in and anxiety is already ruling my nights again. How I used to drink just to be able to sleep.

One job once took me to a place in the country where the office was situated in a large house. It was far away from everything so I used to stay over at night. I was so scared to be alone in the big, dark, empty house that I started drinking. I went from 1 to 2 pints to 4 on an evening in half a year. The work pressure was enormous too: 60 hours a week for a company which was going broke. I need to take care: working and drinking have always been connected in my life.

Well, no time like now to start to deal with it. 🙂

I am happy that I quit. I have come to think that life is indeed a possibility to learn by projection; that what triggers us in others is something we ourselves have not dealt with.

I want: to go to bed but I need to wait for the washing to come out of the machine. Need stuff to wear. Haven’t got enough clothes.

Wwawwlhd? Dunno, she would, if she had asked herself this question earlier, have put the laundry in the machine earlier because that would have relieved here of the ‘I still have to do this and this stress.’

On discipline: only at work. My house is a MESS.

3 Things: 1 Biking in the early morning to work. It is only 10 minutes but I really like it. The freshness of the day, makes me happy. 2 Being able to keep up with the people at work, I have already got the rep for being one of the quickest in the tiny assembling of stuff. It’s just one of those things I’m good at; working with my hands. 3 Two friends of mine actually calling simultaneously today to ask how the job is coming along. I have only told 4 people. I don’t know, I need privacy doing this.

Hope you have a nice day/evening! 🙂

xx, Feeling

5 thoughts on “Learning life, again

  1. You sound so good and aware of the highs and of the potential triggers. Keep us updated. I am loving following you every step f the way. o.s. Thanks to you, I noticed I had stopped being very kind or compassionate with myself. Working on it. Thank you, friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, the compassion thing. It is difficult. I’ve tried different angles but the What would a women who loves herself do sticks with me. And it is also a ‘solution’ to my discipline issue: now I do what is good for me. That ‘all’ – well, actually: that is IT. 🙂
      Wishing you a nice Halloween and rest of the weekend.
      xx, Feeling


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