Short post just to let you know that my next step into sobriety: trying to keep a job seems to be working ok-ish. I did well on my trial day. As I understood it they will actually fire somebody else who is in probation time when I do well tomorrow too. I would be promoted into a more interesting area immediately. But the work will physically be tougher but very interesting too. However, it does feel strange. I would like to be able to deal with that but actually it goes right into the dark denial corner for later processing. The Universe has sent me another BIG challenge today concerning alcohol. Lots of it. It actually turned out to not to be a challenge, or maybe, not sure, I’m going to write it out here so to see if there are after effects.
This morning I went to take out the trash and next to the trash thing there was a box with what must have been about 20 new and half filled bottles of alcohol of all types. I mean? Why not books! Why not clothes? Why not pots with beans?! No…. in my life there is a box with bottles. My lucky first thought was: ‘Gosh, somebody in this street quit! 🙂 Yeah!’ Second: Hmmm, pretty irresponsible leaving this out on the streets, loads of unguarded (pre) teens running around here…. And third: Bet my downstairs neighbours would appreciate this gift, I’ll just inform them. And I did. Before they got out another person biked by and put the unopened bottles in his bike basket. In between I had put a message on the street Facebook page congratulating the person with chucking out the booze and also putting out the warning. Saying that I would chuck things away in an hour if there were no people interested. So after an hour I went and chucked about 10-12 bottles of hard liqor in the underground trash thing.
How did I feel? I felt like I was throwing out weedkiller and found it funny that I had asked my neighbours if they were interested. I thought about that. My father ones said to my mother when he took me a pack of duty-free tobacco: ‘People need to be ready to stop, otherwise they don’t. When she does not stop, I could as well make it not so expensive.’ I thought that was a kind thought and one that made me more accepting of my smoking addiction. It was the first time I could look at it without feeling guilty – which actually opened doors to thinking about stopping.
Maybe I should have washed my hands afterwards, sort of ritually. I can still do that. I did that. Funny, my mind now immediately jumps back to the other girl getting fired. It was discussed already that she was too slow and not understanding the work well. Now they will test my skills on another hand-on job, already saying they expect me to be ‘3 times as fast’. I need to deal with this because I don’t want my inner confusion to be in the way tomorrow. Thing is, I think she heard our boss say the 3 times quicker thing. 😦 When I walked off she was in the adjacent room cleaning and I never saw her go in so she must have been there already. I don’t ‘draw crowds’ with my looks but she could have been straight out of the poor masses in a Dickens book and that is tough.
She was not even able to look at me straight. 😦 You know the shifty looks of people covered in shame. 😦 She can’t lift things heavier than 3-4 kilo’s which means she can’t do the job. It is just that I feel sorry for her. That might be condescending. ‘Normally’ I would just drink this away. Problem solved. I do want to look at it but I don’t want to spend too much energy on things I can not change. It is only now that I start to understand a colleague of mine at a place where I volunteered. There was a women who, to my arrogant booze fulled standards was not up to the job. The colleague said: Why would you want to create a world where only the top of the abled people take part? She is a member of our society as well as anybody else.
Sobriety has learned me to see the world differently from where I was. I think it worked like this where I was fuelled by shame and projected all the negativity outwards in being very critical and negative. Now I am learning to appreciate myself better I find that my view of the world is changing. Amongst which by the way my thoughts about eating meat. I feel this process is taking me to become vegan while I am not looking for that. It is just that my eyes seem to open to the process of abuse of animals and I can not shut them anymore. I don’t want this to happen now, but it is.
I’m trying to tell myself that the girl will be unhappy in a climate where she can’t perform to standards, but that’s just because people would not be nice to her because she does not. Yeah, yeah, I know the business implications. It just strikes me as odd that we build a society like this. The company is very diverse, I’m thinking more colour than no colour and a young female boss but the less brainy are not invited. Well, this is not my worry, apart from it coming on my path in this new way of living in and looking at the world now I am sober.
Well, I need to be in bed.
I am happy that I quit because it brings me all kinds of learning experiences which, even though they are not always nice (veganism) they feel better than the booze soaked issues I was fighting 15 months ago.
What would a woman who loved herself do? She would keep on repeating this question more often because it is a good one and I had forgotten about it today. Not sure why. Oh yeah, because ‘I had a day off’. Ghegheghe, recovering from yesterdays heavy work. It is actually physically taxing, which is very good for me. 🙂 Hope my arm and shoulder will not be ‘playing up’. I tend to not want to take care of myself when I’m ‘off’. I need to take care – that is a very addicty thing I do there. Thinking that I can take time out of life, not live, Netflix. I did walk and read.
What do I want: I want things to be easier, warm, loving, insightful and self-accepting for our sister End of the road who is struggling. 😦
I take: my Ayurvedic pills. I notice now that I am not eating well. Hmmm. This ‘dropping of self care’ is something to look into.
3 Things: my bed in 5 minutes, the fact that I am alive, the fact that I am starting to get hints of feeling comfortable in my life. NEW!!
On discipline: aaah, I dropped the idea of discipline and I also forgot about ‘wwawwlhd’ and so I did nothing and ate bad. And will be going to bed 45 minutes late. I was going to write ‘not good’ but I deleted and started this sentence because it is not about not good. I will look into integrating a new job WITH self-care. 🙂
Hope you have a nice day. Maybe I’ll be promoted tomorrow! 😉 I actually feel like this is too much pressure on me, but I guess if I go into enjoy it mode I will like it. Thing is: they put my test at the beginning of the day. So if I screw up, everybody has to work extra hard and overtime. 😦 That is NOT a nice intro in a new department. Ghegheghe.
Hope you have a nice day / night.