14 Months messy post

Today is my 14 monthyversary of sobriety. Feels funny. I had forgotten about 13 so well, here is 14. 🙂 I am happy that I quit. The pink clouds are long gone, reality has kicked in but even in reality I am happy that I am sober. I guess that is good. 🙂

What is NEW is that I somehow, no promises, think that I have found a path to liking myself. But hey, let’s wait till Tuesday (1 day trial work) to see if I can maintain that in the outside world too. I have practiced the ‘what would a woman who loves herself do?’ question for, I believe 5 days now and I like it. It helps me by-pass the self destruct button that I have between thoughts and action. I take a detour through a projection towards somebody else, the woman who loves herself, so somehow and from there I can take it in. Slowly a feeling of contentment is seeping through all the self destruct. I’m guessing, possibly, that the self-destruct is a fail safe fear failure construction. Hmmm, don’t want to go there. Sticking with the wwawwlhd?

NEW last days are these flashes of insight during the day and while dreaming in which I think to understand consciousness but they leave as quick as they set in. Ghegheghe. I would not even know what consciousness is but I’m looking for information to give a definition of and explain: the soul, spirit, character, self, Self, mind, ego, consciousness, sub-consciousness, body, emotions, feelings, karma, projection, synchronicity, life, death. What is their function, how do they connect? And possibly; what got mixed up in me so that I have to walk this path of addiction into healing from addiction?

I have in this blog given several, mostly angry, tries of a definition of addiction. Currently I’m sticking with: it is a misunderstanding of the workings of Life and a want to get away from those workings. Not living life on life’s terms. 🙂

Up to now I have not visited an AA meeting or any other organised recovery thing. There are moments that I would like to go. I never did. It still has the ‘let me save that for when it is really neccessary.’ 🙂 At which I guess, when it is really neccessary one would be to late.

What is also NEW is that I had a little falling out with a friend whom I have told about my sobriety and needing to quit drinking. And now I feel vulnerable because she knows and she is not 100% pro me anymore. Which, btw was my own screw-up. I’m going through a phase where day in day out I am being confronted with the negative consequences of the sometimes, aah, well, oftentimes forceful help I ‘offer’. Ooh yeah, and the bad thing is: I ‘accused’ the friend of it. Yes, yes, screw up big time. :-(. I need to deal with this but oooooh, I don’t want to. Aaarrgh, so much judgements in my head, mostly from my (deceased!) mom actually.

Aaah, don’t feel like writing. Wwawwlhd? She says: ‘This is something you need to deal with and you are afraid. But the pain you feel is about the judgements you have. They also keep you from being where the actual dynamics are going on and that is the only place where you can feel through and work things out. Don’t worry, you will get through this too.’

Which is funny because this concept of time with a beginning and a possible end is something new. ‘This too shall pass’ was certainly not in my toolbox before.

I am happy that I quit because it was time to get serious about life.

Wwawwlhd? She would go to bed now.

I want: sigh, go to bed.

I take: Ayurvedic pills and with the end of the year coming up I think I will go shopping for some ‘medical’ assistance which is covered by my insurance like seeing my therapist, getting my shoulder massaged again (it is getting a lot better with the new Ayurvedic pills), possibly having a few bones my back bone aligned by a chiropractor and some dentist work to get the old black fillings out. I have never deliberately ‘shopped’ before but somehow I feel I am allowed to because I never did the detox treatment and they won’t cover the only things that have really made me feel better like the Bach remedies, Schuessler salts and Ayurvedic medicine. So…

NEW is also my dislike for meat, it looks like it is serious by now. I would rather not have this step being taken so early but if this is it, this is it. I keep on being confronted with information about meat-eating and well, even though I really looked forward the other day to eating my eco salmon (celebrating money coming in) it did not go down well, made me nauseous. Pfff, why doesn’t chocolate make me nauseous! Would be SO MUCH easier. Well, let’s see. Aah, for logging: the concept of going vegan is arising quickly too. But I am DUTCH it is in my nature to eat cheese! What is left if I ditch the cheese too?

There is another motto that keeps coming back: addiction also has to do with wanting to celebrate every @*#^!! thing. I think in the end I knew two states of being: punishing myself or drinking – which would be celebrating but turned out to be punishing too. So this concept of Robert Green Ingersoll  who says: ‘In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences.’ keeps on coming back to me. To me it has to do with the want to experience highs while the thing is; that has nothing to do with reality. And already the need for it, the longing for it, takes me away from my center and brings diversion and illusions. But I’m not ready for the middle road of just being. However I feel dragged there. Which is good, good, but hey, I don’t know, I have it in my head that you ALL (yes AAAAAAAALLLLLL 😉 ) think that I move amazingly slow but things like these; the basic understandings of Life. Damn, sometimes the go too quickly. And on the other hand, staying in the disillusion is in no way helpful and in all ways hurtful.

Ghegheghe, I’m realising that I have a whole list of things in which I think readers disapprove of me. :-(. Wwawwlhd? She would have gone to bed earlier so she would not get this monkey brain end of the evening useless musings.

Ok! Bye! Have a nice week! Wish me luck for Tuesday. I need to work on it because, as with the job before, I have the feeling she doubts me 99%. I feel I am just too weird. But I also know I project that outwards so blègh! Work is required but I am like this deer in the headlights. 🙂 Well. TO BED says the wwlh.

xx, Feeling