I’ve got Netflix, and this friend of mine, who really enjoys all the same movies I do told me that Stargate was his one of his favorites. So I watch it, and watch it, and watch it to realise that he must like it like I like Buffy the Vampire Slayer – because of the sentiment. Well Joe Flannigan (alias John Sheppard) is eh, fascinating, in aaah, aaah, well, very non-actory way. Let’s say he is not an actor with a lot of depth and I am surprised about it in episode 1, and in 2 and in 3 and currently in season 4, episode 6 or so. He outdoes Keanu Reeves in doing what they do not. But that is not so much the point although part of it. 🙂 The thing is: I had to get to season 4 to realise that ‘They will get out of this pickle no matter what.’
Yeah, that might sound funny or irrelevant but I realised that I never, ever watch a movie or series expecting that it will turn out ok. And I see a lot of similarity there with how I look upon life. Well, NEW. The concept of ‘this too shall pass’ is obviously not something I internalize easily.
Edit: the rest of the post is a bit messy. Moving from a post from yesterday to today to yesterday. Sorry.
Yesterday I had plans to do 1 thing, only got around to investigating the one thing. Then got caught up in all the blockages I find on my road. I CAN work, that is not the point anymore. I trust that. But I can not SELL or even introduce myself anymore with confidence. I feel that when I would introduce myself in an interview it would go like this:
‘Hi, my name is Feeling…. andImanalcoholic’ I feel it is written on my face like I see it written on other people’s faces. The other day, I don’t know if I wrote about this, I met a guy on the street and we got to talk about bike parking (yes, yes, I do speak with almost everybody I meet, that’s just me). I saw from accross the bridge over the canal, that is like 15 meters distance that he had been a user, it was engrained on his face, if not to say ‘scratched in his aura’. The moment I saw him I thought ‘heroine’. Works out that he was 10 years clean AND happy about that. Still smoking like crazy so the vibe of addiction was well, kept alive, but I mean; 10 years clean and it is still, like ‘hanging in his aura’. We spoke about categorizing people and him, having lived in the Red Light district said it was his trait. I asked him about me and he classified me as a ‘possible ex-user’.
Now I know this sensitivity for addiction and the ability to recognise it in other people is an addict thing. And most people who have not been personally or professionally introduced to this will most probably NOT have this sensitivity or not know how to voice it other than ‘junk’ or ‘dirty’ or ‘gutter material’. Hmmm, well, that is not good either.
Well, what I was trying to say is that I, well need to look at what is keeping me, apart from total lack of willpower. There is no opening in the willpower department so I might as well look at what I can look at now: the hurt, the not feeling normal, the feeling like I stand outside society and always have. In the outskirts, in the fringes. I did a lot of tapping yesterday on that. It was good. Tapping helps me to very quickly find all the things which are connected to the subject I start tapping on. I jump from finance to self-worth in a few seconds.
This is what I wrote yesterday after the first post, but did not finish yet:
Synchronicity takes care and sends me Nick Ortners vid on tapping for financial issues. There is not script in it but some real truth: if you want to clean up the house you need to look at the dirt. So, here it goes:
I don’t think I am worthy of having an easy life. I think I am stupid and try to fake myself through life with looking intelligent. I never really got anything done so that proofs it. My mom did not really want me, she thought she did but not really. She said: “You are the cause of all the problems I have in my life.” That is what I have felt all my life and she actually ended up saying that literally later in life. How these things settle in my cells, my DNA. My father grabbed her at that moment and drew her away, he actually locked her up in their bedroom. She scratched his face open. It was never spoken of at that moment. My father walked with very obvious scars on his face for days. Crying now, god, these memories, locked up.
‘Nothing is yours. Everything is mine. You only have a house because I am kind enough to let you stay here.’ That’s another one from the same era.
Years later, in a two sided drunk argument I threw these sentences back at her. She denied ever having said that while my brother and father both said that she had indeed said that. The denial, so big, so big. She totally blocked. I believe it was the first time that I saw the little, the tiny, tiny, tiny fragile caged bird behind her stiff, dark, hard exterior. Aaah, that is why at that moment I did not pursue, even though I felt I was ‘right’. And then there was this wall named mother. No entries.
Ooh mom, I so wished for you to be free. To free yourself other than having to leave this world early through illness.
It was one of those experiences that pulled me away from my core, I started twisting and turning and I think manipulating to try to get my way back into her liking me. Her liking me became a power thing. Not good. This song is currently playing, how applicable.
Well, back to the subject: tapping works real fast with me but I don’t know why I do not use it. It is like going to bed early or eating well. Don’t want to work this out now. So I don’t feel like I deserve to live well and after tapping on that for 2 minutes the reality of that has come from 8 to 4 (scale of 0 to 10). Well, that was yesterday, currently I am in the same shit again. I feel I have not been given what is supposed to be given by parents; a right to live and I find it difficult to make it for myself. It feels like building a house on a bottomless pit. So I need to take care of the bottomless pit, which, I actually think is a thing that I carried with me into this life. This inability to hang on to material stuff. Maybe I should make that my business, that would suit me better. 😀
Also from yesterday: Next up: why don’t I have a view for the future? Life is too complicated, I don’t want it. If complicated life is what it is than I pass. I did not sign up for this. I choose to love and accept myself and realise now that his ‘I did not sign up for this’ is my most fundamental difficulty with life. There is the resistance to living, resistance to taking responsibility and lack of direction because I do not want to be caught or caged. This idea of being trapped in my body, in this life is big. I read something about transcending the other day. It was obviously profound, but I translated it into something I understand: ‘We all want out, some people just take the wrong way.’ The wrong way being addiction of course, the right way being development, spirituality, experience and integrating that with the body. Well, better get to it then. 🙂
I am happy that I quit, I find myself at that layer in life where the real issues are. It sort of feels like everything leading up to this has been the foreplay. Important, but not the core of things. Very important that I got sober. Uncomfortable? Yes. Painful? Eh, yes. Rewarding? Hmmm, not sure. I’m at this place where things need to be sorted out, where there is no reward or punishment, just consequences. It’s eh, something to work through.
I take: Ayurvedic pills, chocolate again.
I need: compassion but sometimes I forget that. Do you find the way I write harsh? I somethings think it comes across as harsh. I feel there is some harshness in the way I look at myself and other people. Not so much with dislike but without compassion and well, sometimes (often?) with self-pity. Then again, we’ve got this Dutch saying; ‘stir where it stinks’ or Louisa Hay says it nicer: ‘In order to clean the house you need to look at the dirt.’ A lot of dirt to be looked at. Tired sometimes. And wondering if I do not mix up looking at the dirt with living in looking at the dirt.
Ghegheghe, and again the blog wall gives the answer in a beautiful post from Sadguru about confusion on the road:
The more you seek the spiritual path, the more confused you are becoming. That’s a good sign, because confusion is always a better state to be in than living in stupid conclusions. With the stupid conclusions that you had made in your life, there was comfort, solace and convenience. There was a false sense of security in these.
Well, let’s hope I’m there, and not generally confused. 😀 Read the article, it is fun! And still I would not buy a 2nd hand car from him but he speaks very clearly about complex issues. And always right on time for me. 🙂 Totally in sinc with my development – or I just ignore the other posts I don’t need 😉
I want: well, after reading the Sadguru post I might not long to go te heaven anymore. I want this back, this gusto for life the little Feeling is showing in the photo (of a photo) below. Yes, that is me, 44 something years ago, with a cotton daiper. :-). So what is keeping me? The expectation to be not met well. Overthinking.
On discipline: trying to do stuff and finding bears on the road. Looking at the bears and then Netflixing after being tired of that. Waking up on time 8:15 is ok, even when I go to bed late because the cat decides she wants to go out at 22:00 hours for the first time in the day. She has something red and bleeding on her behind so she’s on a wet food diet only and has the right to go out at any time now. But that means she has te be let in at least an hour later. It is funny how she always seems to mess with my sleeping pattern. Who needs children if you can have a cat that does that ?
3 Things: 1 finally experiencing the hurt from these above mentioned memories again and in that recognizing them and taking a tiny, tiny step to accepting them. 2 The sound of the crows outside, I find these comforting. 3 The dark-blue candle with a hint of speckles and an orange flame on my table.
Hope you have a nice sober day!