Reality

Reality kicked in, last night. I went to a new very cheap course, somehow I thought if I did not eat dinner I could internally get away with going there – I was feeling nauseous anyhow. It was fun but I felt VERY much out of place, all these young, ignorant AND competent people. Somehow in my mind ignorance and competence go together. Like ‘not being hindered by any form of knowledge or experience’. While I obviously feel seasoned and therefore stuck in indecision.

Before going I had been working through ‘what do you fear, what do you hope and what do you expect’. Those are standard questions I ask myself before going into a new situation so I can check what mode I am in. This time I feared that it would be not so wonderful, that the atmosphere would be loaded with sex and sexism and that the people giving the course had no real understanding of the actual matter (like ehum, I do…., of course…. 😉 ). Normally my fears and expectations don’t match so much but this time the did. It is funny, I always thought that the not matching of the reality with the expectation was an issue and now I find that haha, I have to deal with the reality that it did. It is not a big point, it is just that there is another NEW thing I do sober: getting into a group and NOT liking the group. In the singing course I did like the group so no worries there. So, not sure if I will give it another try. The teacher was not very much approachable / get-at-able / available and insincere in his welcome and goodbye to the group. Well, actually, that says it all. It is like free yoga, never as good as a real yoga teacher.

So I came home, felt how I did not match with this group and how I feel it is an example of society. And suddenly I felt the reality of that and experienced the fear about finances I have been denying all this time. So, there was some good in it after all. 🙂

Went to bed, set the clock early and here I am. Let’s see what the future brings.

Tips to myself:

• do not set yourself up for failure.
• ask for help when needed (possibly before it is needed…)

Ha! That second one is not going to be so easy. There is still a level I have to drop in reaching rock-bottom: the arrogance of thinking I can do it all by myself. Oooh shit. That is the worst misunderstanding to let go. I do not want to let go of control.

Do I believe the Universe provides? Yes. Do I believe that even if I came to live on the streets? Yes. Ok, than that is how it is.

I am happy that I quit.

I need: to not set myself up for failure. Not sure how to do that though. I guess I need to learn all about how that works. My SIL says: plan your day and plan your breaks first, then plan your work around it.

I want: financial problems to be magically solved by a shipload of money. Funny is that I think that only then I will do what I really want to do. While what I really want does not cost anything currently; walk in the woods, read books, write, see friends, make stuff. Ok, for the see friends I need a bike.

I take: started new type of Ayurvedic pills yesterday. Wonder if it coincides?

3 Things: my bed, I’m into cleaning it once a week now because I get more sensitive to old dreams that keep hanging in the atmosphere so I slept in a nice clean bed. My breakfast and thirdly that the realisation finally came. I have been waiting for this day for months now. Here it is. I am scared, scared shitless, literally actually. But this is what I got sober for, to find my way into the world. To do that last bit of incarnation I never did, that taking responsibility for me, fully and aware, with care for myself and the world.

🙂 Hello world. ❤