Life is getting serious

So… I finally woke up from my whatever induced coma in which I have been swiming the last year – I am thinking it was denial induced. So now I am panick strikken? Is that word? I can’t breathe, my heart is pounding, I can’t think. My left arm hurts so badly that I woke up 10 times at night minimum for the last week. I’m so tired. Going to my homeland and attending the funeral of my SIL’s mother did take its toll too. A card with her photo is here on my table. This woman has such a bad start with losing her mom in early childhood, an alcoholic father, neglect and poverty, later in life she lost 2 children and a grandson who lived with her and she still continued. She was a very strong and gentle woman. I feel such a loser in comparison to the rest of the world. And still I hear her word in my head ‘No, that is not true.’ She just continued. I want what she could.

Right at this moment my next door neighbour leaves her house, coughing with a bad smokers cough. She drinks like crazy, crazy, like worse than I ever did but still holds down a job in the restaurant business and is able to pay her bills. Sometimes I wonder if she’s better of than I am. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

So yes, I have not ‘moved on’ after quitting drinking. I have done a LOT of things, but not moved on. And when you stand still while time is moving…. one day you (I!) find that you (I!!) are (am) way behind. Bills are piling up, some are overdue, rent for several months is overdue. Money is running short.

Facebook reads: Remember; ‘You can’t reach what is in front of you if you do not let go of what is behind you.’

So where does that leave me? Not sure. I have some ideas on work and income but first I need to deal with my arm because the pain does not allow me to think straight – and the tension of not thinking straight and my situation put the stress and pain there in the first place. I do not dare to take painkillers often – I know me, they spoke to me. Which is funny because I can take Bach remedies with alcohol and they do not call me but the painkillers do. However, I’m currently making a sweater out of a woolen blanket with extra layers of wool where the pain is so I walk around like a Michelin man all day. That is step 1. Self care. Eventhough I feel I do not deserve it. No, not true, I am perfectly fine on myself – it is in relation to others that I feel ashamed and feel I need to answer their questions and be what I think they want me to be. I so wish I could isolate just a little longer. And then again: alcoholism is a disease of isolation.

On that topic: I have now told a few people around me that I had to quit drinking but I’m guessing I still do this ‘speaking just exactly next to the real issue’ where I emphasise that I quit, rather than ‘I had difficulty’ with it. And that it worked, rather than that I had known all my life that I would become addicted. So…. eventhough some people know…. they do not react as if they realise what it means. Last weekend my SIL offered me a glass of wine…. I mean? How strange is that? I do realise that she had just lost her mother and might have been in her polite mode but for me it was rather strange. Saying ‘no thank you’ and thinking ‘da fack did I tell you for?!!?!?!’. Again I feel that because I am not being 100% honest about this I am not getting the support I sometimes hope for. Or people are just stupid. That’s another option. Or they don’t care.

Or, as my GP says: you have no entry for anybody to give you support, you do not look like you need support and you do not accept it. :-/ย  I can’t, I do not have a face for asking for help – litterally. Because I find that I do not have the right to do so I can not ask for it honestly and my face shows that I think I am fooling the other with asking for it. As if I am faking it. So I go back to my control mode and ask something businesswise and I get businesswise support. I am guessing this is a subject ‘taking off the mask’ would know lots about. You there?

So… life is getting serious. Life started to get serious with the bookstore man happening of the last post. And that left me lost and lonely, which, eventhough it does not feel good, is a place I guess had to find to experience what I had projected onto him. I now know that this disconnect from the world and people around me is a major thing in my addiction and it is difficult to accept – since I think to know I am actually weird for real. As in ‘I wonder if aliens know they are alien’ weird. Maybe it is good enough for now to realise that this assumption/fact determines my life. I do not trust that people will like me. Ever. When they do I assume they will turn against me sooner or later. There is another thing I discovered over the bookstore man happenings: I tend to choose guys who exactly do not like me enough to accept me or love me. I feel with that I re-enact the relation to my parents. I would say mother but my father was no different, only he came to be like that later – in my experience.

My photo book from baby-todler time has all these comments to them ‘she is very nice about this and this BUT…..’, ‘she learned this and this quickly BUT….’, ‘she is very sociable then and then but when……’, ‘she is very good in this BUT her brother is even….’ All these comparisons and all these moments where I was exactly not good enough. Not failing all over but exactly missing something that could be pointed at.ย There is always this ‘hand on the wallet’ which is a Dutch saying for, well it possibly explains itself. It might sound funny but to me it feels like in no situation energy may flow. And it is exactly how I treat myself and others. I find it very indicative that it shows up here because I am guessing that when my father wanted to get away from my mother he would spend money, shitloads of it on things which he would like. Oooh, these fights used to be so ugly. I am starting to understand that this was indeed revenge. It is like when I worked this 60 hours a week for this one company I would specifically use products of the competitor in the weekend just to prove that I was having time off.

So, went to see my therapist (hi!) twice in the last weeks. It was good to see him. It is good to be able to speak openly and from the heart about things that I find ugly in me and not have them being met by judgement. It is also funny that I notice now how I have changed. I used to go along with a lot of things because I felt ashamed and guilty over drinking. Now I tend to say no to things that feel like saying no. It is easier to be honest about things, so he knows what page I’m on. I want to develop that for the rest of my social life as well. I think. Might not have a social life left when/if I do so :-D. Then again, I find that things in relations go wrong because most people do not say no at the moment things go wrong in the first place. It is only afterwards find out that they actually did not go along and then realise how much they disliked stuff that they react and overdo stuff.

Once I had an ‘epiphany’ that the bookstore man and I had something to sort out there. I had this ‘clear’ view that we needed to work out 4 things between us – as in the reasons why we have met: addiction, speaking our minds and hearts, man-woman thing in a different way – not the usual like->sex route, and this fascination subject of communication and telepathy. We used to go to this place where people speak and the words are just the carriers for the energy and meaning of them easily and quickly. That place where a state of mind or being can be expressed by a subtle moving of the body or a gesture. Or maybe I was stoned too. ๐Ÿ˜€ No, actually, this is exactly what I like about the bookstore man – this specific trait / ability which made me decide: ‘I do not want to have to ly to this man’ when I met him. The therapist also said: when you lose somebody you need to be on your own what you were together. Or as my hairdresser said about countless pre-decessors: What does he have that you want? Why do you not have that in you?…. Because I think you do.

When I say ‘I do not want to ly’ it might asume that I go about the world lying to people. I don’t, this was about drinking and having to stop but also about daring to show the darkest side of me. Which I did. Which…. indeed I do know is not the best way to ‘hit’ on somebody but there obviously is a difference between wish and execution. Suspecting that this whole episode is ‘just’ ‘another’ transfer of addictions made me decide to do things differently. And ghegheghe, I was not past my 1 year, and he was/is in a relation and I am too fat anyhow so… NO GO, so I might as well experiment with honesty. And I did. And he thought it made me a coaching project. :-/ How quaint? Not! Ghegheghe…. Le sigh….

Aaah, the therapist advised me not to ditch the bookstore man. Now THAT is new. The reasoning being: you learn a lot from contact with him. Which is true. And bwahahahahahaaaaaa, I just love the lack of PCness in that. ‘Go meet the addict, it is teaches you.’ Which is true. I just need to let the dust settle and see if and how. And the dust is not settling easily. The air has not been cleared so; no entry. Which is ok, I need to do life stuff. Not addiction transfer stuff. And I actually think it is time for him to say sorry, and if he does not, will not or can not, there is little reason to continue anything because I may be a lot of things – but if somebody looks at me only as a (failed?) coaching project while I was there thinking we were giving friendship a try (while knowing I was in love and not making an issue out of that, more a learning experience) then… well…. :-/ Or maybe that is in itself totally not possible. He says he has been honest. I think that is not true. It does not matter a lot because the effect is the same (he’s not interested and I would not be buying when offered) but it is not true.

That is what hurts me most I guess, that he does not go to the trouble of really speaking the truth which in my idea is: ‘I used to be interested sometimes, but not anymore and my perspectives have changed which make me see you differently and less interesting which suddenly means that dealing with you takes energy where it used to give me energy. And yes I have used your interest in me to ask you to do stuff for me and I had doubts about that but I am at wits end so I could not afford to not accept these.’ All of which is ok. I have done things for him not as a true gift but to be off the streets and also to just to see how far he would go with asking while knowing what he did was corrupt. Is either of that correct? No, but it is very human. And I wish we could have been honest about that too. One day I’ll tell him if I get the chance, if there is a one day, if on that one day I still find it important.

So what have I learned? That I am corrupt. I was not so corrupt that I claimed the dinner he promised because I knew I would not be able to handle that. I learned that ‘being in love’ for me is about missing what the other brings to the table. So when I was with the bookstore man I was, say 98% of the time not in love. It would only be when I would leave when I would be reminded of the emptiness of my house that I thought he would be an answer to that. I have never been very proud of that ‘man as solution’ but have not found another answer to that. Apart from learning to stand on my own two feet. All this hanging over, being out of my centre, it is so tiring. I mean, I assume you get tired over reading this. I LIVE it daily! Blegh!

What else did I learn: that indeed for me falling in love is a transfer of addiction. But I believe I said that before. Most of the projections onto The Other are only partially based on anything excisting in the other and therefor not all too personal.

I also learned that, no matter the hours I put in doing work for the bookstore, I still feel that ‘love’ is about me. Yes, sorry. :-(. Very, very, very few times I really, really wonder what he would think, feel, know about me. There’s where projections come in handy. :-D. Projections just fix that hole in reality. I actually think that this is a very important discovery. Yeah, well obviously…. ๐Ÿ˜‰ But in general, how much do we (I!!) fill in for the other: I think that you think… without even checking or being aware of the filling in.

Enough of this. Time to go to bed.

On addiction: life sucks currently but hey, I am happy that I quit because no way do I want to go through all of this ever again. Finding out this stuff which is so, well, would pathetic be a good word? It is painful and I NEED to learn, NOT drink it away or get into another addiction to make it go away.

On discipline: little, planning stuff but not doing it yet, I am doing other stuff like self care stuff and cleaning and walking.

I need: to get a move on but DAMN!!! there are all these different worlds and I can not deal with them all at the same time. I have fallen out of the structure of the normal world and it is so difficult to go back and actually from where I stand, I am not sure if I want to go back because I feel I do not belong there anymore. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ With the non sensing, non feeling, non addicted, hard working normies.

Aah, I need to learn to feel, get info out of that and handle or deal with that. What I have been doing in the last year is letting my feelings determine everything. That has long ago gotten out of hand and now I need to get a grip on that again. I can not ‘just do’ that. But I can….. do it by learning how to separate me from what I am feeling. Look at feelings as looking at ships pass by on the ocean, clouds in the sky. Whatever it is, see it as information, not a world to get lost in. Which… now I realise how I do that, feels like just another addiction. The feeling is ok. The wanting to get lost is the addiction. Ghegheghe… this is eh…. going to be difficult. Or easy. Well, it is on the path so it is The Path. Maybe use my egg timer to make me aware of needing to differentiate between what I (think I) am and what I feel. Egg timers rock.

I want: to win the lottery / escape / for all of this not to be real and true and life to be simple. I want to be mailed tomorrow for a nice 3 days research/teaching/writing job.

I take: Schuessler salts for the tendon infections and knotted muscles in my arm. Chocolate – which I guess is not helping with the infections. Somewhere parts of me are getting bored with it. Still not eating meat, that somehow fell out of my diet without me really noticing it.

What do I need to get to work and money: I still feel I need to answer this with ‘time’. Not ready. But I could be ready when the structure is offered. I do however not feel I can create the structure. And I have of course as a self employed bossy person, always created the structure myself. Which, I guess, is one of the reasons why I drank so much. Making structure binds me to this world where I prefer not to be. Drinking cut me loose. This not wanting to be here in this world keeps on returning. I still have not incarnated. Not sure how to ‘tackle’ that. It is another one of those basic ‘assumptions’ or feelings which shape my life. ‘I don’t want to be here’, ‘I am strange’, ‘People do exactly not really want me.’ (they might not know it yet but they will chuck me out). I actually believe that and tend to act upon it allthough lately I have discovered that there are parts of me which want to really be there for other people. Hmmm, NEW!!! But to those like my family; all I feel about it is guilt towards them. That I keep on continuing this charade. :-/ Hmmm…. time for bed. This is getting too dark. Sleep = good.

Hope you have a nice sober (?) evening, day. If you are not sober: you might give it a try because ghegheghe…. it is pretty informative. Fun sometimes, difficult most of the time but informative. Information, said the therapist, opens. Which I think, is why learning is so important otherwise I keep on getting stuck and I truely want to free myself. No I don’t; I would not know what to do with me if I were free. Hmmm. That is information too. That would be a good motor for loooooong looooooong moaning posts. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Bedtime. No spell check.

xx, Feeling

Self care continued

Long time no write. Things have been pretty hectic at the feeling front. Thanks to Prim and other bloggers earlier for the warning about anniversary anxiety and stress. Been there…. :-/ Not so much on the drinking front, that is (still?) not an issue. Living still is. I’m not doing anything. I should be because money is running tight again. But I don’t know, I can’t. However, things are shifting and that is good, even though they decided to take the dark route. Guess that was necessary.

Anniversary was good. The best thing about it was that I realised that I had been waiting for anniversary to happen. That I somehow felt that if I made it to one year, I had proven something. Which obviously is true – but on the bigger scale of things means nothing. I am starting to realise that addiction is something that is rooted deeply in my system and the living and feeling need the correct attention in order for me to walk the right path. Specifically in this society where I can, between 08:00 in the morning and 04:00 in the night get my hands on alcohol, if I would like. Not that I feel I am a time bomb. I feel more like this society is booby-trapped. So that’s not an ‘I am not ok, you are ok’ but it is an ‘I am ok – you are all not ok’ issue (not personally). There is this book by Anne Wilson Schaefย  ยดWhen society becomes an addictยด That is high on my list. Not sure yet if I would like it in order to put blame somewhere else or if I just need to understand how it works. :-/

So, 1 year. I have done a lot in that year. I have quit drinking. That was the easy part. I have continued to not drink – no problem there either. I have learned a lot about me: very good. I have processed quite some anger and disillusion, be it not fully and I possibly have not taken all the learning experiences from it that I could have. I have realised that my -sorry for the word- sensitive structure, combined with the shame culture I grew up in and my I am fearing either karma or predisposition or whatever have you, there was no other way for me to go through life than living out my addictive personality to find rock-bottom and to take it from there. As I said before: I knew with my first beer that I would get addicted to it.
I feel I have not found my rock bottom yet. I have found the alcohol rock bottom. I have not found the addiction rock bottom. I have traded alcohol for sugar, internet and a bookstore man. It is all so very, very clear when the veil lifts, and then it drops again and pffff, there I am, not doing anything with my life. I am intelligent, I have a shitload of skills, I have this natural ‘ability’. People, teachers, bosses, friends, from kindergarten through to any kind of job I had tended to say; I do no think there is anything you can not do. And still, here I am, watching Netflix and not so much pissing the night away as pissing my life away.

Yes I know I am doing that, and before my anniversary it felt like there was no exit out of that. The anniversary changed that and I started feeling like I could do something good. And that’s when life started to confront me again, immediately – which is correct because it is time to wake up. But it is not nice.

I called my therapist (hi), it went something like this: I would like to make an appointment and I am calling also because it is my 1 year anniversary and because I have not told anybody nobody is congratulation me and I feel really lonely right now’

‘Congrats on being one year dry, not sober yet, but dry.’

Shit that hurt. I know that stuff. I was not asking to be lectured, I was asking to be comforted. And no, people don’t need to give me what I want, that is up to them. But if I, for the first time in my life dare to express a need and get a backhanded compliment like that it hurts. Specifically when done so by somebody I trust.

And we continued to speak and I, well, I still don’t feel good about it. I know the difference. I was not calling to be therapeuted and having had my nose being pulled through the dirt. I called because I was lost and lonely and for the first time in my life I felt secure enough to say so and bang! there you have it; backlashing. My stomach is still turning upside down. Fucking smart ass trying out his addict vocab on me. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

So, what? We spoke some more and I felt I could not put the phone down without expressing how I felt about it so I told him that it made me feel bad. He said sorry-ish. I did not have the guts to ask for a real sorry. Not sure why, I guess because I am not familiar with that :-(.

I was on my way to the bookstore. At least there was someone who knew and I could count on to be happy for me. He was ๐Ÿ™‚ And gave me the opportunity to pick out a book to my liking as a present. ๐Ÿ™‚ Sweet. ๐Ÿ™‚ย  I was happy about that. Funny enough I could not choose. I want all the books when I can’t have them, and when I could, I did not know which one. I also thought the pick would need to be specific because for me it would somehow be an intro in the new year and my new process to get back into living again.

Even with this nice gesture it took me 3 days to energetically recover from the anniversary energetic twists. :-/

The nastiness actually started the day before, like I wrote earlier: in a Facebook chat with the 19 bags of empty beer bottles friend. I said ‘Sad here because of my mothers dying day tomorrow.’ He send a :-(. I said: ‘But you can congratulate me on not drinking for a year.’ And he replied ‘I’ll drink to that.’ I am guessing I am to blame for that too, I did not fully explain the trouble I was in, just told him I had to quit drinking. And he’s deflecting with a joke – exactly as I would have done when I was still drinking. :-/ God, I was such an ass when drinking. Ieuw. Sorry to the world :-(.

What else did I learn? And my anniversary post, specifically the end, showed me where my shame about drinking really lies: in the tie to my mother. Funny that I can’t call that the bond with my mother. A few days later a friend of mine came over, we go way back and speak personal issues a lot. I did not feel like wanting to hide anymore so I told her about my drinking troubles and of being sober for 1 year. ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank God she started with congratulations on the one year. ๐Ÿ™‚ And then we spoke about addiction, and how it kept and keeps me down. She was worried that I had not told her earlier. I said it is sort of like having vaginal warts, you don’t go speaking about that to people. Not that I ever had those but, well, you know. I was ashamed, ashamed of well, being an addict, proud of my one year but the shame still resides. I was crying my eyes out and then she reminded me of a mail I had sent her years ago; she had been founder and later co-owner of a high-profile company and she had lost it by choosing a co-owner who from second one destructed her professionally in order to have control over the company. My friend ended up with a tremendous debt and being emotionally and physically broken. I had been doing consultancy work for her but ‘left’ when the co-owner came in: I smelled trouble from the first second I met the co-owner, the hairs on my back literally stood up and I had goose bumps, the bad ones, all over. Hurray for that, but there was nothing I could do to help my friend. She was persistent and I was vague. I would have dealt with it differently now I guess. Me leaving was not all too voluntary, the co-owner knew I saw through her and made sure I was cancelled out as quickly as she could cancel me. I recognised her as a corporate bitch and case builder immediately – and she was. At that point in my life I had no guts or power to confront her with that and I did not, against my better judgement, build my own file. Well, that was long ago.

My friend came out bad and did not heal for a long time. So after she had spoken and cried about it through several of our meetings I finally worked out that she could not forgive herself. So I mailed her in answer to a conversation and asked: Can you forgive yourself?

My friend, who actually blew a same amount of money on her company as I did asked me; ‘Can you forgive yourself?’ I lost it. No. I can not forgive myself. I try, and sometimes there are seconds where I can let go, but then something else pops up and I can’t anymore. And this is true eventhough I know I could not have changed anything because I tried and tried and tried and it did not work – well, you know the process :-(. In my head my mother is still very disappointed with me, over having developed into an alcoholic, over having blown her money, over not doing anything with my life right now. Over hiding in imagined contempt I attribute to her. :-/

We split us, I changed scenery and went to the bookstore. The bookstore man was in a real foul mood and with that I am guessing he attracted some even fouler customers. It is so ‘funny’ how that works. I was there for only 3 minutes and this woman walks in and they flared up within 3 sentences. She left screaming ‘You are crazy!’ He said she was the 4th one that day. :-/ I very much felt like leaving but also saw he was losing it so I stayed to be able to take over if needed.

And then….. this girl walked in, stepped behind the counter and started chatting like they knew each other intimately, pleasantly and just normal conversation – nothing deep, nothing difficult. Hmmm….. that was a surprise….. :-S. Not so much the girl, although that hurt, but the pleasantly and the normal conversation. And slowly stuff started to sink in: he does not need or want somebody difficult as I am. Hmmmm. That was clear but painful. :-/

I went home and my heart sank and sank and sank into the deepest pit. I had known this moment had to come even though I obviously did not hope for it. I walked home through town, it was raining so nobody saw my tears, well, nobody would be interested anyway. So very, very clearly realised the use of this transferred addiction and the loneliness; so big. The not knowing what the hell I need or even want to do with my life: so much emptiness. The despair over living in a world were I feel like an alien, again a lonely alien; so overwhelming.

Well, that was the bookstore man. :-/ The day after he Facebook contacted me asking me ‘how I was’. That was new…. so I suspected a set-up and it was. Just another way to explain to me that he is not interested in me. Which is ok even though it is painful. And with all his reasoning (Ha! I typed treasoning, ghegheghe…) I felt my need for a substitute addiction fall apart even more and there it was: the rock-bottom I had been looking for and I had been fearing at the same time.

So what did I do? Run to another addiction. I got myself 2 bars of chocolate and a whole series of ‘Lie to me’ at Netflix. This all happened Monday, Tuesday. It is only now that I can write about it. My reflex is still not one of looking for help. Shame is a big part in it. I find it difficult to write this without jumping to things trying to defend me and to demonize him.

I was surprised over one thing: Ego!!! He started of with saying something about ‘coaching’ and I should have let him build his own story but I did not and asked him if that was how he saw me; as a coaching project? He said yes. I was FURIOUS!!!! Why? Because he is the one being coached! Back out of his depression and lack of self care and addiction!

Wow!!!! Now there is a little monkey coming out of the sleeve – which is a Dutch saying, guess it is obvious. :-D. How arrogant we are, thinking we are coaching each other. And…. it has been said to me before: do not castrate a guy if you want to bed him. And I did it, again. Care for, mother, intervene, teach, coach – just different types of meddling, calling somebody incompetent and then saying I can fix it. The other day I was happy for him but also proud of me when he said: I have started to take better care of myself through you, so thank you. I don’t like the pride there, it is vanity. And I should not have done any of that, I should have shoved behind the counter and admire him, like the girl did. That would have been more succesful said the cat. And not carry pride in things like ‘I have never met anybody who thinks like you do.’ Pffff, alien.

So. New, life suddenly feeling very lonely and very sober. I feared this was behind it when I realised that all my ideas of him were projections of me. I did not know it was this bad. And this deep and this lonely in the end.

Shame on loneliness. My mother once told me a story when I went to live abroad on my own(like) at age 15. She said: I remember when I went to live with my uncle at age 18. I was so lonely that I sometimes hid in the rabbit shed. I went abroad and realised that my mother had been lucky for having had rabbits around. I remember my drinking really kicking in overseas on my own. Somehow I am ashamed to say I am lonely. Not sure why. Guess it is for losers. I can’t find a feeling way into the matter. It is closed to me so feelingwise there is only this feeling of loneliness and no air to it and no expansion or room to go somewhere. Guess the shame closes the subject of. I need to remember that.

I try to keep on remembering that loneliness is nothing but yearning for the closure of the gap between people. The hanging over, out of my own center is what creates the pain. I used to be able to understand and feel and correct this. Now I can not anymore. Maybe because I am starting to see the value of people and realise how much I am in need of and actually like contact.

I stumble upon what I call the funny autistic thingy of my character again: the other day I found that I was writing comments to somebodies blog and I rephrased original thinking in order to make sure it would not be misunderstood. In contact with friends I start to think before I speak. NEW!!! My dreams have gone back to the wasteland dreams, dreams where all people cluster together in a sort of anonymous ‘them’ or dreams where everybody blames and shames me for not doing what I should be doing. So yes, I sometimes wish I was not me.

I am happy that I quit. I am happy that the ‘love fantasy bond’ with the bookstore man is severed. I am still hiding but well, going to speak with my therapist this weekend so I guess we can work out how to move from the place where I am at. If that is even a place ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Lucky me, I still have a broken toe to remember him by. I have not yet decided if I will ever go there again. It does not feel very good to be called a coaching project when I thought we had a normal friendship going on in which I was, as discussed, working out my transfer issues. I am never in love with him when there, the funny thing is that I don’t even fancy him like physically: he’s not ‘my type’. I am beginning to fear that indeed I go for the boys who go for the big mama experience. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Castrate otherwise I can not deal. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Ooh well, there is always tomorrow to learn to do stuff differently, or another few lives… Sigh….

On discipline: none but need for it arises, in overwhelming waves ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

3 Things; this post, my cat! My self-made ultra warm on my infected shoulders poncho. A reconnection with a person who is becoming to be a fun friend. He’s very technical so we are going to see if we can do a technical project together.

I take: chocolate and Netflix. I should be doing stuff about my shoulders and the infected tendons, they are so hurtful that I sleep really bad. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I also take the Ayurvedic medicine and I notice that fatty bumps on my skin are lessening and that I want to do more, even though I do not always do more but still, tiny things like cleaning up and walking to places now I don’t have a new bike yet are easier.

I need: well, to get my addiction and its consequences fixed.

I want: this all to be over and life to be easy. But I’m not doing anything for it to make it easier and I don’t believe it ever will be. I still cary this feeling of doom and gloom with me. People I speak with, like in the bookstore, tell me that I carry this immense sadness with me. I guess that is true, overwhelming sadness. I have the idea that I translate any extreme emotions into sadness immediately. Swallow them, digest and show ‘I am not a threat to you’ tears. Sadness, my favorite emotion.

chakra blocks

I did realise the other day that I make myself unable to move. Not sure what is the biggest issue though. I’m thinking all of them actually ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Maybe less on the ego attachment but wtf would I need cosmic energy for if I can’t guide it down to do something with it? My insight really opened up with getting sober and I stuffed it really quickly with the bookstore man illusion. I think I speak the truth, but I am not willing or able to look at the denial I do when it comes to my financial situation. Grief, yeah, I’m big on grief. Everything gets translated into grieve, anger, jealousy, inability, fear, you name it. Shame. Check! Guilt. Check! Fear. Double check. :-/

The title is called ‘self care continued’ well, this post is not about that. I can’t self care. I need to though. Learning to ask for help is still not easy. :-/

Hope you are having a lighter sober time than I am currently ๐Ÿ˜€ If not, please do remember that no amount of drinking or using will make you troubles go away, they will only get worse. I can’t afford to not have my wits about me so…. easy peasy (for now, but then again, I don’t have to worry about later because I am not in later)