Where I need to be

I think I am where I need to be. NEW!!! I am now smoke free, caffeine and tea-ine free, alcohol free, BSM free, sugar free, almost meat free. I go out for a tour almost every day. I added ‘no sugar’ to the list of things I am doing for my health, mainly for my spiritual health actually because it creates mist.

The no sugar feels like it is settled ok(ish).It is not totally settled because still I feel like; ‘Well if quitting sugar makes me want to drink I will eat sugar!’ Which is exactly the addict within speaking but because my resolve is low and I quit only ‘because I could at that time because I ‘know’ I have to do this step before I can do the next’. That is different from the alcohol quitting. That was really a Process of saying goodbye which ended in a Decision and Action. Now I am doing this half assed, but ok, let’s see how it goes.

What is left to take care of is sleeping and PROCRASTINATING. Which, in my life, I guess is the biggest and most difficult one. You can not, or maybe you can, imagine the fear I experience when I think of having to do stuff ‘in the future’ for ‘money’. While if you ask me to wash your car, take your kids out to the playground, cook dinner, or watch your store for a day, help you setting up your business I do that and enjoy it. It is strange. I fear having to represent myself because I now I feel actually more secure about myself than I have ever done. I actually get remarks about that from friends saying that I look so much at ease now. And ‘I do no know what you did in the last year but you have changed a lot.’ But then…. the outside world with measurable demands. Well, next post. 😉

Now, there is no addiction to hide behind anymore. All other things have been dealt with so I am where I need to be. 🙂 (Aaaaaaahrg…. this is so scary….)

Next physical step is to adjust bedtimes to normal and waking up before sun-up. But I need to sleep better for that because of the pain in my arm I wake up 5 to 10 times a night. And then turn of the alarm so when/if I sleep I do not wake up too early. The ‘logical’ solution to the pain is taking painkillers. I don’t want to go there because after having had a few they started calling me. 😦 It saddens me. The other ‘logical’ solution is to get a cortisol shot. Don’t want that either. Not going to poison myself, been there, done that. I do some tapping, need to continue but it always ends in immense crying and sobbing with the things that ‘pop’ up. Tapping is wonderful, it loosens so much – which is exactly what scares me. 😀

NEW! I am now at 79 kilo’s without even dieting. That is 3-4 kilo’s down without thinking about it. That is a real nice gift. Funny enough when I came to the point where my weight did not bother me anymore I loosened up energy to really feel my body. That made me want to become healthy. Some of you might find it funny that I say ‘without thinking about it’ after the list of x-free things. 😀 But those I skip for spiritual, developmental reasons and I find joy in that, it does not feel like a diet. And I think I need it because I think I hide in addictions. Quitting the rubbish helps me look at the addicted structure of my character.

I am guessing the Ayurvedic pills I am taking support the weight loss. But also, because I am now eating what I should for my body type, I feel more saturated and content. Part of my craving for food and solutions from the outside is emotional, part of it is physical. It is costing me money I don’t have, but I have taken the decision to do this otherwise I feel I will never stabilize. This Thursday I’ll be seeing the Ayurvedic doctor again. Did I mention that I am starting to feel healthy and generally more active? That is good :-).

So from yesterday to today I did a first step of going to bed at the right time and waking up at the right time. (again). Well, baby steps, knowledge, rigorous honesty and compassion.

I am happy that I quit because it is bringing me where I feel I need to be. NEW!! Which is dealing with the fears I have that cause me to procrastinate.

I need: to get a move on

I want: the pain in my arm to go

I take: Ayurvedic pills, sometimes Schuessler salt Magnesium against chocolate urges.

3 Things: 1 clarity in my brain returning NEW!!! Not tested yet on real thinking stuff but it feels good. 2 There is something I would call ‘lust for life’ returning. NEW!!! Well, new-ish, it has been going on for several days now. I like it. 3 The beautiful whether of the last days allowing for beautiful trips outside.

On discipline: went to bed on the time that I had planned, woke up on the time I had planned. NEW!!

Have a nice day / evening!

xx, Feeling

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