NEW!! Lots of it. I’m thinking I am coming near to the place where I need to be with not eating sugar. And I also realise why I got into sugar so heavily – 150 grams of 72% dark eco chocolate a day which amounts to 50 grams of, well, not refined eco sugar a day. Still less than the average American eats (80 grams!). I’m now coming up with all these buts but I, pfffff, it is all so very addicty.
I compare my use to others, saying theirs is worse.
I bought extra stuff I did not immediately need at the supermarket so they would not notice I only came in for the chocolate.
I started to worry about handing my loyalty pass at the store because ‘They might realise that I was addicted’.
I took chocolate stock when going for sleepovers ‘Because I might run into a situation where I was in need of it’. And when I realised I never did this with alcohol I ‘deduced’ that my drinking was not that bad….. Yes…. 😦
I ate chocolate in the train before meeting people so I would know I ‘had enough’. In drinking days I would sometimes take a beer in the train, or 2, or actually 4.
I hid chocolate from my SIL, feeling very anxious about showing here that I had some in my bag. That was BAD. Shame flooding me.
I would walk through the city and think of home and feel a BIG relieve because ‘At least I am safe there, I have chocolate.’
I hid chocolate papers in my bin so people who would drop by would not see them.
I hid chocolate when the doorbell rang because I did not want to share.
The bar of my preferred substance is 100 gram. I would eat 150 gram (be LOADED!) and then say ‘See, I left 50 grams, I am not addicted! :-)’
I tried to moderate, did not work, that got me running to the shop at 22:00 in the evening buying chocolate and toilet paper or so. Yesterday I thought ‘What if I only eat chocolate in the weekend?’ Ghegheghe… been there….
Almost all of these thoughts, actions, whatever you call it I did with alcohol. It was shameful but I tried to not go into the shame but look at what was happening and wait for the window of opportunity where I could stop. A tiny one came, so I quit. Still not sure about the future because my resolve is low. Specifically because I internally play the one addiction against the other ‘Oooh, I if this gets too difficult on the not drinking alcohol….. I might as well eat some chocolate here and there.’
And no, I do not think chocolate is evil. Well, parts of me thinks so. But for me, I obviously overdid it again and rolled into addictive behaviour just like that. It is informative. I let go because I could not handle it and then promised me that I only needed to look at how it was going. After I let go things went crazy quickly. Within a month I felt I was in full-blown addiction with the hiding and eating more and more etc. And yes, sorry to those who struggle with more dangerous stuff and would like to say ‘Stop moaning, be happy it is only chocolate!’ :-(. This is my way. I need to get unaddicted in order to deal with life. Hmm, maybe I am waiting to be perfect in order to deal…. Here! You see! Insight coming. :-D.
Ok, this was the moaning. Now the real life: I panick when I don’t eat chocolate. I get face to face with my financial issues. I’m several rents behind, don’t even know exactly how much. I do not open my paper mail. I, well, do not dare to open my e-mail. I do that, but not the once saying ‘Invoice’. So no, I am still not dealing. Not eating chocolate puts me face to face with that. And…. I noticed I can’t deal.
So I use all my well-developed denial skills to not look at it. But I have promised myself to look at how I do that. And the other day I discovered the possibility of detaching myself from my feelings; sort of drawing back into myself and saying ‘Hey, so this is how I deal with that? Hmmm, and I tend to panick, say, yes, I am panicking now.’ But the feeling does not get ‘inside me’ if you understand? It does not throw me about because I look at it. NEW. And well, I can only do that for a few seconds, half a minute at the most and then I am wasted. Guess I need to learn to breathe when I am there.
And now for the crazy: I get visions, not sure what to call them, they are images of things I do not consciously know or remember. Paintings, nature, historic images of people, sudden experiences where the whole world falls apart in particles, a bit Matrix like. Flashes in which I see my body in the inside. Flashes where I am suddenly in the Universe floating about.That is the crazy. I have been very scared of that and I’m not sure if I am lying here, if it is addict speak but this is what I have been afraid of most and what has kept me from eating clean and not taking chocolate (added sugar).
Contact with people has become easier in one hand, because I am not so scared anymore because I can hold/contain myself better. But also more tiresome because what people ‘give’ each other, disrespect, denial of emotions, aggression, it has become very clear. Specifically now I have watched the series ‘Lie to me’. FINALLY I know I am not an alien, I just see things with more precision. Which by the way, still makes me feel like an alien. :-(. Not done with that subject yet.
I think addiction, chocolate, sugar, eating with loads of E-numbers, internet, what have you, takes me away from feeling what is going on. And, yeah, sorry to say, damn, I feel really ashamed about saying this but I think I feel more intensely than other people do? Or have less skill to deal with it. Or both.
Quitting alcohol and then sugar however DOES bring me closer to the place where I need to be in order to deal with what I am, how I am, why I don’t ‘function’ like a normal person. 😦 Ooooh, back to the moaning: I don’t want to be like me. It hurts. I don’t want to be so complicated and… Voice cutting through: You are not complicated, this world is set up disfunctional for human development, you are just at the receiving end of that, and ghegheghe, fighting against it, you might want to look into the last part.’
At one time in the process of going into a detox programme I had to fill in whether or not I heard voices. I don’t remember now what my answer was. I wonder if these voices ‘count’. There are bad voices too. How is that for sweet child speak ‘bad voices’ :-). I tend to cut them out. I need to do so more sternly lately because as it gets lighter the darkness starts to push back. Need to incorporate it. Listen to it, feel it, hug my demons.
I wonder if you think I am going nuts or are off track. I think my spiritual life is perfectly on track. My normal life is, pffff, dunno where. Which is about as destructive as drinking heavily on a daily base. Hmmm. That is an insight. NEW. Aaah fuck.
Good thing: my bloodpressure feels very normal and low now I don’t eat the sugar. And urine (yep, sorry) has turned watery again. I am hoping the infection in my shoulder goes down too but that is still going up and down pain wise.
Ok: all of you not liking the Sunday night because at Monday morning work follows…. be grateful :-). And I will try to be grateful for having the time.
Last night I dreamed. Met up with the adult version of a guy I had not seen since he and I were 16. I used to be pretty popular in one year then but he really disliked me. I could feel his dislike like a big dome of energy around him. He only looked at me shortly and then looked away quickly, later in life I have seen people who were diagnosed with autism do that too, and scared animals. With the autistic people, and the animals I realise: I am too intense, they can’t deal with the unstructured energy I throw about. Funny that it is always my fault btw. With him I realised in the dream how I make contact. I don’t check how somebody is. I don’t hold back to feel how / where a person is, I barge in and state facts. (Ooh, you noticed?) He could not deal with that. So we never connected until I learned a shitload from him in my dream. He died about 20 years ago in a plane crash here in the Netherlands. When I heard about the crash I immediately got an image of him and ‘knew’ he was in the plane. I only heard years later that he actually really was in the plane crash :-(. Obviously we were more connected than I realised. Thank you M for showing me how I do things not constructively. ❤ I am sorry I was such a pain in the ass. 😦 I hope I can take this lesson with me. No promises.
I am happy that I quit because I am learning so much. Need to keep check on the crazy. Sometimes I feel things can go either way now. I can snap under the strain of weirdness or hopefully give it a place and throw away all the non functional layers of adjustment to this society I have done and which hurt me so badly.
I need: to get a move on because I’m going out with a friend (Hi! A!)
I want: more time.
3 Things; 1 dream, 2 feeling that I get to the place where I need to be. 3 Life. Funny, I had this experience of energy coming from my first chakra shooting up. Yeah, yeah. Just logging the crazy too.
On discipline: getting an inkling and doing stuff with it. Yesterday I read a small book on Ayurvedic cooking, finish the rest in the train today. I could focus. That is good.
On sugar: 6 days no sugar! Yeah!
Hope you have a nice Sunday!