Short post – short post – short post. SHORT POST!!! Well, for me, short. 😀
Spoke with the husband of the nutritionist friend today and it was a good conversation. He spoke of working and doing what I LIKE, mind mapping these. That sounds way better than the nightmarish visions I have been having about work. Not sure when I got stuck in those.
So, well, what did I do, I had not had enough outside time so I went to the give away store to see if they had some books left. Came to speak with the volunteer on the stool (chair!) I had brought them. This IS a really strange word to use but the translator actually says it is correct. And one thing led to another and I offered to help her fill the book cabinet with new books – truth be said (and told to her!!)… I knew there was a box with spiritual books somewhere that I was interested in.
So… there I was, in a bookstore. And yes, I suddenly realised that is actually pretty strange. I mean, you don’t all go walking into bookstores chatting with people do you? I would love you to do so and inform me of what you encounter. 🙂
But I was happy and I learned a lot. I had filled up the empty spaces in the shelfs and that only took 20% of the work. And then I thought…. I need to rearrange these logically because this is far from perfect. And hahaha, that’s where I lost connection with the joy I was having. Spoke about it with the bookstore girl and she said: ‘Yes, I learn a lot here, I mean, it took me a while but I found out I run into the same stuff here as I did in the job that I got overworked in. So the learning opportunity is to find a way to deal with it.’
In answer to my perfectionist wish of organising and grouping and naming: ‘Yep, I just say ‘I only do it if it is fun.’ Which is EXACTLY what it was not anymore when I wanted it all perfect. And let’s be well: what is nicer than browsing through a give away shop and between the books on countries finding your favorite children’s book, a book on lucid dreaming or an ancient yoga book?
Give away shop btw is literally what it is: you can come and take stuff you like. No more than 5 things a day. And when it is sale you can take more. 🙂 You would not believe the turnover they have! Whole bags of stuff can change hands within 5 minutes. People bring stuff, other people take stuff. I am slowly cleaning up my house, bringing old stuff, books and cloths while walking there and sometimes taking back books. The give away store ‘concept’ comes from the squatters scene. It is actually a really good thing.
I learned to feel how I get of track when being a perfectionist. How it ruins my pleasure and how negativity sets in IMMEDIATELY when perfectionism shows up. That was astounding. Actually, perfectionism and negativity might just be the same thing just being named differently. They sure do have the same result.
I learned that I have these restricting forces in me at all times, I can not start anything without going into perfectionism and falling into negativity. I went home. Ate. Started up an old work project I had laying about and felt how time and time again Perfectionism would pop up and the feeling of not being enough and not being able to cope almost directly with it. I guess I have gotten an insight in how it works.
Second thing I learned: I was in the lowest of lowest places workwise, status wise, economical value wise; being an unrecognised assistant to an overworked volunteer in a give away shop. And she and I connected, I did something I enjoyed and learned not so much who I am or where I stand. But I did learn to feel the mechanism of why I can not sustain myself and do not have faith in me: I break myself down. When walking away from this beautiful farmhouse in a weird sort of green corner of the city I felt like I had come to the level where I need to be to understand what I need to do; not break myself down.
I am happy that I quit because I am learning a lot.
I need to: sustain me.
I want to: go to bed.
I take: Ayurvedic pills and warm turmeric milk.
On discipline: growing, going to bed earlier, getting out of bed when needed, being on time for an early meeting.
On sugar: 4 days free now. The mist is starting to lift. First 2 days I had ‘need chocolate’ thoughts 20 times a day but not anymore. I am still making apple sauce for breakfast and a tiny bit after dinner though so I am not going in cold turkey. I have no headaches either.
3 Things: 1 meeting the nutritionist husband and speaking of life and work, 2 enjoying working alongside the bookstore girl, the insights I had on perfectionism and how it sets me up for immediate failure and HOW TIREING it is.
Hope you enjoyed this semi short post. I actually deleted a whole paragraph. 🙂