Filling the hole in the soul

As time goes by thoughts grow, or unfold if you wish. My latter experiences with the transfer of addiction to the subject of ‘man’ have made me wonder ‘What do I want?’, ‘What is the answer I think I will get?’. It is not an easy question, I find it embarrassing. I have come to learn in this last year that a lot of personal growth has a track that takes me through the fields of shame and embarrassment. And if personal hidden shame is not enough to get the experience to settle… I have somehow managed to take it to the public and make a fool of myself there. Well, if that is the road, that is the road. I have no energy or pride left to wish it differently anymore.

So when looking at the subject of man and thinking that ‘relationship will save me’ I found that I again and again look for approval from the outside. Which, well, in itself is I think a sign of being a social being. Also, when using the longing that is in there to not feel other feeling and not feel what is actually going on (on the verge of bankruptcy, not doing anything about it, not opening mail anymore, scared to pick up the phone ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ) then I think it is actually doing exactly what alcohol did for me. Or, I have just switched subjects.

So, after realising that, sorry for the very ill choice of words, but I have this hole in my soul and it needs filling and The Other is the solution. :-/ While laying in bed this morning I felt clearly how this hole in the soul feels to me and what I want from The Other. So I was wondering what would happen if I would imagine that I could fill it myself. And so I did. It takes careful feeling and careful imagining but I think I did it. Pretty cool, if only for a few seconds to feel whole. And haha, that is where the attachements are gone and I can stand on my own two feet and The Other is another – no wanting or needing, no attachments. Yeah, dรปh… I know, it is so obvious I should have known. But to experience it is just, well, I think ‘on the brink of healing’ would be in place. ๐Ÿ™‚ I am guessing I learn best by exercises like these. ๐Ÿ™‚

So, am I whole now? Ghegheghe, noooooo! First, ok second thing I thought was: ‘I am whole now, so I can go visit the bookstore and tell aaaaaaaaall about it!’ How is that for a ‘I have not drunk for 2 weeks, I’m not an addict, let us have another one.’? First thing I thought was ‘Hmmm, so that is how it works.’ And I was really happy. โค So I am guessing a combination of experience and actual knowledge of addiction need to go hand in hand to solve issues. It is slow but there is progress.

Something I have wanted to voice out here for a long time already. It has to do with my place in the world. I do not know how the world works but to me parts of its workings come in images I tend to want to take on as either truth or Truth – who knows. I don’t have any words here that would link to any theory of existence known to me so if I write there is no meaning to these words other than the general ones.

What I like to take on as truth, just because it fits my thinking pattern is the following idea: I think/feel/experience the world in different worlds. Not that I think the matter is different but I think how I (we?) experience the world has to do with the way we look at it. Like some people look with economics in mind and see all kinds of economical things in every experience and thing, some people see darkness everywhere. Some people do not believe in coincidence and see miracles and synchronicity in the world. And there are people who see miracles and synchronicity everywhere and always and they get taken to hospital. Meaning: we experience the world as WE are and there are boundaries to that mode of experiencing. Living extremely in one way of experiencing the world is not healthy.

To me it feels like there are several of these worlds, I can only clearly identify one and that is the shaman way of seeing things. To do so one needs to be in a special mindset / a special place of mind to see it like this. I sort of feel there are several of these worlds and I feel like I shift between them easily. While all these worlds could I guess be only places in the mind I feel I can explain them best by this picture I have from them: imagine several layers of seeves on top of eachother, some space between for people to walk on. And every seeve is a world. And within every world there are places where I belong and where I do not belong. So e.g. in a shaman world one can be hunter, seeker, seer or shaman or what have you. It might have been more practical if I were to identify with a more common world more easily but I do not.

I feel that I, with letting go of addiction and my want to become clear, have fallen, or been shaken through, several layers of sieves and my experience/fear is that I still have some awful layers to go before I get where I need to be. It is my fear/fear-drive that I need to lose everything before I can live again. There. I said it.

I feel that I am currently not at the right place to take decisions or do something about my life because I am not in the place where I need to be. Unfortunately, it feels like the place to be is where I have lost everything. How is that for a scary drive.

I hope my ehm, musings (?) do not upset you, again I’m letting the crazy out and ha! since I don’t speak with the BSM anymore it gets vented here. :-D. I think that ‘the crazy’ has a world of its own. It is not a good place to be for a long time. But it is informative to see what kind of crazy somebody/I seems/seem to pick.

So, now I wonder if this whole picture I have is true, or that it is just another version of self-destruction wrapped in theory. I mean: every ‘solution’ I find to a problem is destructive so, haha ;-/ , why not my view of my place in the the world too? And now I ask my Self and she says: ‘It does not matter’. And I become acutely aware of my grappling after theory and trying to understand the world why during that time I could have sat back and focus on the place where I am whole and Self and possibly during that time I could have defused a whole lot of the fear I am feeling. So, if only I could. And I finally experience what it is to over think (Hi Anne! I think I’ve got an inkling now! :-))

So what will I do? I will pick up my book from Groff who writes about Basic Perinatal Matrices in which somewhere there is a description of an attitude towards life which says to always need destruction before rebirth can happen. When we once spoke about this during a course I followed my therapist mentioned ‘prone to addiction’ while discussing the state, I believe it was BPM III or IV. The ‘destruction before rebirth’ feels like a dangerous mode to be in, specifically since financial worries make the forces inside so big that I feel self destruction is around the corner. Thoughts of suicide popping up again – no, not to worry. So yes, I immediately ditched the sugar I was eating (Day 3 now! Yeah! Clarity starting to come back, mindset still dark.)

With the suicidal thinking, I spoke with Self and she said: ‘It is a misunderstanding. Things happen and you want out, you do not want to go through the learning experience you need to go through. That is all.’ I like my Self. ๐Ÿ™‚ Even though she never brings solace, she only brings information. I sensed today somewhere in my hole in the soul experience that the looking for solace, for being comforted, for judgement, for rewards, they are all part of the, well, my, structure of addiction. I understand that now, but it is a lonely world I seem to have made up. I mean, why could I not understand that receiving flowers, money and gifts on a daily base are The Thing?! Grrrrr….

Lately I have been practising looking at my feelings rather than ‘only’ (?) experiencing them and I found it is sometimes is very comfortable. I mean noticing ‘I get thoughts of suicide before I even try to solve a situation’ is a lot more comfortable than ‘I don’t want thihiiiiiiis, I’ld rather be deheeeeeead!!!!!. :-(‘ย  AND!!! Sitting by, looking at what happens gives information. I thought the information could only be had when diving head-first in there (yes, yes, very addicty) but sitting still and being aware of the feelings passing by is very interesting too. ๐Ÿ™‚ And I am guessing it is a way to be able to gain information AND with that info do stuff. That was the life’s assignment I got from my therapist: 1 feel – 2 gather information – 3 act upon. I was stuck in phase 1. Now I am practising phase 2. And bwaaahahahaaaa :-(, I still do not feel I can do phase 3. I still feel the doors to the world are closed.

In my dreams last night I walked around in a tiny village looking at people and noticing how they all were comfortably gathered in groups and enjoying themselves while I could not even imagine an entrance into living like that. I notice I envied them. Now I come to think of it, there is something there, in real life I am way more at ease with (tiny) groups than I have ever been and still I dream like this. I tend to be comfortable in groups and not nearly as often to a ‘power thing’ to maintain grip and when I do I tend to notice, change my behaviour and say sorry.

I think my aversion of the world has to do with work, I feel I can not live up to expectations AND keep myself whole. I am afraid if I do not keep whole I might not recover and, well, it is in those words already ‘I might not recover.’ I am afraid work asks so much from me that I can not maintain myself. And when doing that I look at the card with photo of the mother of my SIL, who died 2 weeks ago. She would just say: ‘There, there, now you have not even tried yet so you should not judge so quickly.’ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

I am happy that I quit. Even though it puts me eye to eye with all my childish failure.

I need: no idea.

I want: the pain in my body to go away.

3 Things: me, myself and I (Where, where does that come from?)

I take: eh, Ayurvedic pills, turmeric golden milk with black ground pepper, I have the idea I can not find the right Schuessler salt for my shoulder pain so I stopped there. Ooh yeah; NO added SUGAR. I do do the easy form so I do eat my 3-5 apple home-made apple sauce in the morning. Which must be loaded with sugar but if the mist does not leave me soon I will continue to slow down on that too. But not now.

On discipline: non.

Hope you all have a good day / evening ๐Ÿ™‚

xx, Feeling

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