You need to understand said the snake – day 364 into 365

Days of high tension here, it is like something is cooking in my subconscious and I’m not understanding it. Last night I dreamed, I lay down on a bed an a big snake somehow circled my chest, I could not breathe, my heart almost stopped beating. I did not want to die but the snake kept on smiling at me saying it would not be a problem, I just had to learn to let go and the pain would be over; ‘Life is just a stage, stop resisting and understand all this, the fear and suffering will stop.’ Well, NOT READY YET! So…. obviously I resisted (the candle on my table just broke when I wrote that) and called for help. (NEW!) And now I wonder what would have happened if I had not resisted. I think the snake himself was Wisdom. And he was going to speak to me about how this world and Life and Death work. So I guess I missed out.

The bookstore man gave me a book on reincarnation but I have not been reading that since last week. I am guessing the dream is part of that and possibly, well very likely, it is related to my fear of death which is spurred by my hypochondria in combination with the pains I experience (still not taking painkillers) from falling of my bike. Part of me thinks that I had a heart attack and that it was masked with a dream. I’m starting to wonder more and more: how does one heal from hypochondria? Sigh….

Well, I guess this dream is also part of the changes going on in me in the last months. Sobriety has me working out and thinking about ‘good and bad’, how I used to mix them up. How we (I!) live in a society which is not sustainable and very much destructive towards itself and the environment. Destructive in all fields of life; bringing up children, politics, living together, media, health and medicine, education, relations, food, agriculture, environment, business, spirituality, well, anything. I find it difficult to deal with.

I am trying not to let my own (financial) desperation seep into my view of the world but, well, somehow I feel I stand here, at the edge of society and looking and thinking: I do not want to join you, I do not want to be like that anymore, I do not want to live like that, I do not want a part in this destruction. I also know that I am a part of it and that the destruction in me is big – specifically towards myself but that well, that has to force its way to the outside too I’m guessing. And… did I, the addict, not ‘just’ design another way to ‘not fit in’ and keep my status of ‘not normal’? Or is it fear of failure which keeps me pointing fingers? Sheer laziness?

I feel the falling of my bike and the snake they are related and trying to tell me what it is I am and where I need to go. I feel I can’t deal with the truth that comes out of that. I fear that one of the conclusions is that I really need to leave the city because it is not good for me. I don’t want to move, I like my place, I have moved 25 times in my life. I do not want to move again. But I also know this environment, the neighbourhood, the flat building, it is unhealthy. It is not a ‘good’ neighbourhood but there are worse. However…. all the people circling my house have a problem with addiction. I sometimes wonder if it runs in the building or, dunno, in the ground if that is possible? Alcoholism, cocaine, pot, it’s all there and it keeps on being there because the people may move but the next one moving in has the same issues – it is unbelievable. I grew up in a green place where the next door neighbours lived 200m away. Now I am surrounded by either addicts or families who live with 5 kids on 55m2. I tried to bring the village to the city by introducing myself to my neighbours, being neighbourly, lending people stuff that I have, using my machines to repair goods for them, I organise a yearly BBQ for the street, I clean the communal garden – but it is not the same.

I am guessing if I had a job or daily responsibility for anything else next to well, myself, the house and the cat, I would not have all these worries and things would not run so deep. But I don’t. And I do think this is my path, this waking up from the craziness of our society. It feels like when the blinds about the alcohol fell away I realised what a crap I’ve been buying into. And now everything shifts. I find that difficult. My past is changing because memories come back which I, not so much relive, but I (finally) become aware of their destructive impact. My current life is changing every day because every day I get more insight in the strangeness, the addiction and destruction that run through our society. There is good too, yes, I see that, and I do realise that we are at a sort of seesaw currently so times are unstable but, well, I find it difficult.

I find it difficult and very hard to find my place in it. I don’t see an entry, anywhere. I have the idea all the doors are closed to me, only the door that says: you need to understand more, walk the spiritual path, that door is open. But what the heck do I need to do there? I don’t even know what spirituality actually means?! Again I feel I need to grow up and there is this baseball bat in my neck driving me on. I didn’t ask for f@cking snakes killing me in my dreams? I want to be normal. I want to find a place where my boat can rest, a haven, not always being out there on the sea in heavy weather doing it on my own in offline life. And I f#cking can’t even cry normally because all my chest muscles are blue and hurt from falling of my bike. I don’t want to walk this road, it is too difficult. I don’t want to feel this much and not know where to go. Next time the snake comes along he can have me.

And just when it all felt like too much to bear, the universe send me a double rainbow today. 🙂 So, well, that was nice and it, I don’t know, changed stuff. Made things less desperate and more bearable. There is always a promise in a rainbow. 🙂

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After waking up from the snake dream I put my hand on the cat who was sleeping restlessly. I fell half asleep and suddenly had this belly full of kittens experience. It really felt like I was pregnant with 6 kittens and a bit restless with the upcoming birth. I guess I got into her dream. That was strange. Hope she did not experience my snake dream. Or maybe she was the snake because he kept on banging his head against mine like she does. 🙂

Well, well, a year ago I wished to become clear, to learn to see things for what they are and to become visible for who I am – without the structures that addiction, I and society build around me. I think I am getting what I wished for but might have bitten of a little more than I can chew.

I just Facebook chatted with the 19 bags of empty beer bottles friend. I said ‘Sad here because of my mothers dying day tomorrow.’ He send a :-(. I said: ‘But you can congratulate me on not drinking for a year.’ And he replied ‘I’ll drink to that.’ I am guessing I am to blame for that too, I did not fully explain the trouble I was in, just told him I had to quit drinking.

So… what did I do to cheer me up? Yes, this is the cheered up version of me today :-D. I went to see the bookstore man, spoke for an hour. I am no match for him, my god. It is so strange how this transfer of addiction into falling in love has worked. I am learning every time that I see him that I do not know shit about him. It is so strange. I think I am mostly over my acute falling in love thing but there is still this wish to impress which irritates me and, also killing: a wish to take care of him when he’s not feeling well. Funny that it is accepted when given freely, but when I notice in myself this hmmm, shifting, this, manipulation then he picks up on it immediately and gets very cross. Oooh Life. Still, thankful I am able to work this out while he is pretty much aware of it and we speak of it sometimes. I knew when I got the time to work it out I would learn a whole lot. One of the things I learned is that I immediately make some sort of bubble in which I place the other and I and then I think I know him. Set and done. I knew that if I had the time to hang around I would most obviously come to a point where the bubble would burst. It did. Well, had to several times. 😀

Ooh, continuation on the post before this one on me walking a certain old path or thinking in a certain pattern and then falling of my bike or running into pain in the tram. Well, there is an episode 3: a friend and I were on the beach and I was well, noticing, these 3 gorgeous guys in their fit and brown beach bodies playing some soccer. The ball rolled my way and I thought ‘I might as well smoothly kick it back to them’. That would have been a good idea had my toe not been broken and had I not forgotten about that. The smooth kicking was there….. and so was the pain. There I was smiling through my teeth while swearing inside and my eyes getting all watery. Yes, yes, laugh, that’s ok, my friend and I did too. 😀 I felt so ‘caught’. Ghegheghe 😀

Back home I got so frustrated that I tarot-ed (?) on ‘what about a relations for me?’ and the universe (or I?) came up with the Priestess. Not really a hopeful sign is it? Not really the partying type I would say. 😀 And the funny thing is: I would not even know how to deal with a guy and I KNOW that. The thing is: I find what I am going through so difficult that I think ‘Man’ is The Solution. Loneliness is getting to me, I am guessing also because don’t speak with my friends about addiction. The bookstore man knows, and we speak about it but I don’t regularly speak about it with anyone and I am starting to notice that this hiding is coming between me and my friends. So…  I guess it is time to come out of the closet.

Loneliness is taboo in my life. There is this voice telling me ‘you failed’, ‘nobody loves you’, ‘loneliness is just hanging over from your centre towards another person, it has nothing to do with real contact.’ And the universe provides and just brings this blog on my blog wall: http://www.ishafoundation.org/blog/lifestyle/relationships/should-you-love-yourself/  – food for thought.

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It has been a year, now, Dutch clock. Last year today I went to the supermarket at around 3 in the afternoon, bought I believe 6 pints of beer and a bottle of white wine and healthy food and snacks for 3 days. I was allowed anything I would like. That day I read the last parts of the Jason Vale book and emptied all the beers and all but the last bits of the wine bottle. I was done. I looked at the last bits in the glass and thought: I don’t want you anymore. I did leave the glass standing about and I have not washed it since. It turned into fungi after a few days. I guess that is proper. I kept the glass as you can see.

I was shit scared for having a delirium, not sure if that would have been rational but ha, I’m a hypochondriac so of course I was scared shitless. I also felt I had no option: it felt like a do or die situation. Yes, yes, not without drama, I know. I did have tiny lightning things in my brain, things that felt like there was an electric shock going on in my head in the first 3-4 days. Whenever that happened I took water with Celtic salt. (Don’t try this at home) I was guessing it was caused by an electrolyte imbalance.

So I’ve made it to a year. Did I think I would get there? I knew I had to, that’s about it. I found it 1000 times easier not to drink. I am guessing that is due to

– the extensive preparation I did before getting sober, I really studied the subject
– the Bach remedies, Schuessler salts, minerals and vitamins I took to repair and quench urges.
– blogging about anything and everything to get it out of my system
– online help! Yeah! 🙂 I never thought, dared to hope, that the online community would bring about such beauty in people. Thank you with all my heart. I don’t think I could have done this without you.
– Offline help: nutritionist friend, therapist, GP(s) and of course both the book store man 1 and 2.
– books on addiction and sobriety
– the firmness of my decision to quit
– my ability (and need!) to find my own path
– being happy that I quit
– my willingness to open up and stir where it stinks (Dutch saying)
– and last but not least the free online alcohol desensitization training I did. (Yes, still promoting it, and no, still not getting commission for it ;-). If you are interested, check out the blog I did on the subject. It just brings my mind to rest when there are well, urges, tiny ones. I feel it reroutes the neurological path that would normally lead to ‘drink’ to ‘hmmm, why again?’ For me it thus prevents urges.

Ok, it is way past bedtime so here it is, in short:

I AM HAPPY THAT I QUIT. 🙂

I need; to sleep
I want: to sleep and life to be easy but then there is the bookstore man who says; ‘Do you really?’ And I know he’s right, because than I would have chosen another way. I did not. :-/
And what I would also like is to work with an addiction specialist, or several from different fields and look at my posts from last year and have their imput. That would be cool.
I take: Today! Party!!! Lazy sushi: eco salmon and shrimps, seaweed salad, avocado and cucumber all on a plate, no fancy rolling or so. I had no place left for a choice of the 3 cheeses I bought said the Dutchy. 🙂
On discipline: no clue, hoping to work on that with my therapist when he’s back from holiday
3 Things:
– 1 year sober. Crying now. Wow!
– my cat
– I, I did it. MOM!!! I DID IT!!!!!! DID YOU SEE?

Eight years ago this date my mother asked the GP to end her life. That is legal in the Netherlands, under strict rules including evidence of needless suffering and checks from several doctors. My mothers cancer had spread through her body fully. She would have lived possibly another week if she had not asked for euthanasia. I am glad for her she did. She asked me on her deathbed to go easy on the beer.

Bye mom. I still miss you every day. I find it so difficult.

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26 thoughts on “You need to understand said the snake – day 364 into 365

  1. My heart goes out to you. Congratulations on one year. I know your mother is full of love and pride for your strength. She is definitely watching over you.
    You have been a huge part of my personal recovery this past year. Your posts have taught me a lot and oven provided a very different view.
    Let’s keep going!

    I am so happy you quit and have shared all your inner dialogue.
    Let’s keep going. One day at a time. Life has so much more to reveal!

    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Anne, thank you for being here with me from the start, sharing your wisdom, telling me from almost day 1 about the babysteps and the self-care and well, not being to hard on myself. Last thing is not really happening but I guess I’ll get there one day. 🙂
      I am happy that my (unedited, relentless :-/) writing did have meaning for more people than just me. 🙂
      I’m doing this one moment of now at the time – which makes me realise now that this is maybe why I can not see a future. Hmmm. Food for thought. I need to run, dog sitting this morning 🙂 Yeah!
      Thank you for walking this road with me,
      Love, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  2. thanks for sharing, Feeling. your old wine glass gave me goosebumps – in a good way. it seemed like a ghost of your past life. rainbows and confusion and “what is all this about, anyway?” is a better life, isn’t it? I am glad you are here and thinking of you on this day that brings your mother closer still in your thoughts. your laws around assisted dying are kindlier than we have here – perhaps one area where your society gets it right even in all the muddle?

    take care of yourself, today and in the next few days. as you know anniversaries can bring up lots of emotions from the past. you have achieved a huge thing in being sober one year – many people do not or cannot reach what you have done. be proud of yourself and use that justifiable pride to power your continuing journey. I look forward to reading about it! Prim xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Prim. Yes, the old wineglass, it still carries the ‘feel’ from a year ago. It has become a pretty powerful token.
      Assisted dying, good words, yes, it was very humane indeed. Thank you for reminding me of that.
      And thank you for the anniversary heads-up, I have started with giving myself free range on what I want to do today combined with 100% selfcare and cheese treats. It is so obvious that I have not worked things out yet, I can’t afford to relapse. But I’m thinking I’m more one of those people who relapse when they win the lottery :-). So, tiny chance ;-), or so I hope.
      Yes, I am practising the pride today, and trying to stay out of the usual, and dangerous cockiness. 🙂
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Congratulations on one year!! Yes it’s a crazy crazy world we live in, I agree. Which seems to get worse by the day. But there are so many good things too, and without the booze they’re so much more accessible.
    Thinking about you today xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. A whole year. Congratulations. You have worked so hard at it and deserve to find peace. Your hypochondria could be as a result of what you had to experience when your mum was so ill and that would be understandable. I lost my mum last year after watching her suffer, and the void will never be filled as I’m sure it won’t for you. But I’m sure your mum would be very proud of what you’ve achieved x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Somuchtogainfromthis! 🙂
      The hypochondria started after my mom got cancer the first time when I was 12 – the story went that it was a hereditary cancer. I did not even wear a bra then and voices whispered that I would loose my boobs. Adults are so careless with what they say. Ever since that time every musquito bite has been suspect. :-/ And of course I, with my type of sensitivity, get a lot of psychosomatic stuff. 😦 Doesn’t help either :-). Well, I should quit the moaning, I am 1 year sober. That is good. 🙂

      Like

    • Thank you Louise 🙂 Knowing her I keep on hearing this ‘too little too late’ stuff in my ear. Not sure if I’m projecting. Enough stuff to work on.
      And thank you very much for being here with me this year, with your wisdom, your tips, your kind attention and your (political) activism on the sober front. Last but not least: for being my first follower 🙂 and the feeling of acceptance that gave me. Thank you.
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

      • ❤ ❤ ❤ And yes, I need to get rid of that feeling because it weighs at least a ton.

        Therapist is back, appointment end of next week. 🙂 And yes, it is indeed a journey, I am walking in the punishment camp these days. Hmmm.. Thanks for the reminder 🙂
        xx, Feeling

        Like

  5. Dearest Feeling,
    Congratulations on your year!!
    You have helped me stay sober, too!
    I am so sorry about the anniversary of the loss of your mom; what an honor to get and stay sober, honoring her!
    Love,
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Wendy! It is very good to hear that my musings have helped you. 🙂
      Yes, yes, I needed a date with meaning and when her birthday came and went as it had done for all the years before, I had a few days left to decide and this, well, it is a good date. It works. 🙂 / 🙂
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Congratulations on one year Feeling, it’s an amazing achievement and one that you have worked very hard for. I know your Mum would be so proud of you, as we all are xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Milie, thank you very much. I am guessing I need to work on the believing that my mom would be proud. Not sure I am. Well I am, sort of, in a way that, well, that would be me, possibly not my mom saying ‘too little too late’. Which…. is a Very Good way to not be happy about anything and frustrate myself. Next thought step is: I might as well be drinking since I did more with my life when I did. That would be the next hurdle. 🙂 Work in progress. 🙂
      xx, Feeling

      Like

  7. Hey Feeling: congratulations on your year. You are an amazing person. I do believe that when you set your mind to it, you will become a fantastic teacher, professor, or something along those lines. Your intelligence will take you a long ways, when you allow yourself to be the person you can be, and go for it. Many could learn from you and your experience. Helping others get and stay sober would be do valuable. You are a great writer, so being a great speaker also seems a natural.
    Please give it some thought, and act on it. You will be a benefit to many.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ooh dear Gmgoetz, I believe you give me more credit than I deserve. But yes, I do hope I can help people – but I still feel I need to help myself get ‘in line’ (?) first.
      But well, I am past my year 1 date and feel there are new opportunities arrising. My view is more towards the world (no promises!) and that is good and it feels very scary but also good.
      I’m still very much working on the allowing myself to be me. Guilt and shame are still big in me. Funny that you say this now. The bookstore man pointed out the importance of being me only yesterday: ‘Feeling, it is VERY IMPORTANT that you establish the real you.’ 🙂 Working on it. He gave me a booklet today to help me with it. 🙂 Odd friendships develop in sobriety.
      The ‘act on it’ button is still not connected to the rest of my system but as I said; I believe there is some light at the end of the tunnel.
      Thank you very much for your comment :-).
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m late reading your post, so I’m late saying ONE YEAR IS AMAZING. Well done, and thank you for inspiring and helping me. And I’m thinking about your Mum too. Annie x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Annie, it is good to hear that my online rambling has helped people. :-). And thank you for dropping bye. I’ve had such amazingly awful reactions of people in real life about the 1 year that I’m still, trying to pffff find my way in that emotionally, energetically. That makes it very good to read a positive note. 🙂 Thank you 🙂
      xx, Feeling

      Like

  9. Well done and the beginning of an amazing journey! You are feeling and expressing yourself so lucidly it is a pleasure to read your thoughts – keep them flowing and keep doing what ever is working for you!
    thanks,
    bren

    Liked by 1 person

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