Well, about stuff

Today’s date in history
– yearly flooding of the Nile
– Maria ascension
– 1769 Napoleon Bonaparte is born
– 1939 my mother is born
– 1945 Japan surrenders after Hiroshima and Nagasaki are destroyed.
– 1961 East-Germany starts building the Berlin Wall.
– 1990 Saddam Hoessein accepts Iran’s peace treaty, this ends the Iran-Irak war.

I can’t remember what I got my mother for her last birthday. I’m guessing it were very chique chocolates. Or maybe I did not give anything because I did not know what is a nice gift to give to somebody who is on her death-bed. I can’t remember.

I do remember us speaking about the presents that she did get. Lasting presents, like an umbrella or a gift certificate to a place she would not be able to visit anyhow. About the insensitivity of the givers; how they denied her death which was quickly approaching. How odd it felt to receive them. ‘Odd, very odd.’ she said. We spoke, and we shared opinions but there was no importance in the opinions, only in us sharing them. We sat together, drank tea together. I remember painting her toe nails.

What else? This continous switching between contact and peace and sadness and trying to dig our heels in to prevent the obvious from happening. And at the other, darker side; wanting the whole shebang to be over, so I could have a beer. Wishing that worked a little too well. She was rushed to hospital at around 14:00 because of a sudden fever. I took the times they were off to what, ‘take a load of’? I drank like I had never done before while taking photo’s of the house and garden. And then they returned unexpectedly. I shocked into being ‘sober’.

That night I rubbed her feet and could feel what part of her feet were non-responsive from the chemo she had received. That killed several nerves and parts of her feet were senseless. I remember being surprised I could point out exactly in what tiny spots the nerves had died – when being so loaded.

Looking back I think that scared my mother badly too. One for me being so sensitive that I could feel exactly what and where, something the doctors could not. And secondly: me still being that after, what they must have realised when I was gone, I drank 5 or 6 pints of beer. My mother always said: ‘If you want to know how much somebody drinks, don’t look at what they drink, look at how well they deal with it.’ I guess that evening she found her answer.

Several days later she died. On her deathbed she asked me to ‘take it easy on the beer’. I answered something like ‘I’ll be all right’ and thought ‘Don’t you dare try to take charge now!’ or something along those lines. It took me 7 years to finally get sober.

I am sorry mom. I am so sorry. This is how it was. This is how it is now, me sober. Thinking of you. Wishing things had been different. Wishing, I fucking had not drunk so much because I can’t remember the good times well.

I am happy that I quit. Though I stll regret quitting so late.

I need: to go out, see people, walk. I fell of my bike yesterday big time. Front break blocked and I got thrown off. Now I have succeeded to immobilize my right arm and shoulder too. It is funny in a painful way :-D. A little more than a year ago me getting sober started with being driven of my bike by a car. Again I seem to walk in a ‘wake-up’ or ‘self-destruct’ mode. Not sure which. Or maybe it is just an accident.

I want: dunno, no wants, possibly less pain in my shoulders, arm, knee and chest. Yes, that would be it.

I take: ha! 1/4 painkiller to get to sleep, my Ayurvedic pills, Bach rescue remedy which I luckily carried with me while falling of the bike, as Arnica (homeopathic stuff). My knee and arm have handful of skin missing but the 2 boiled eggs I carried in my backpack were not scratched 😀 Ghegheghe. I remember thinking ‘I know this’ when flying through the air. Ooh! NEW! Of course bystanders walked up to me to help me and I said: ‘I would really appreciate to lay down for a little longer because I do not think I can stand yet’. How cool is that?! NEW!!!!! I took my time on the ground to gather myself and only got to my feet when I felt I could. Somebody called the ambulance over that whom I had to explain  why I did not want to come. I lay there realising that I did not have to feel guilty about falling because I had not been drinking. NEW!!! Not that I had been drinking the year before, but still. 🙂 I did swear a lot. Ghegheghe. ´FUCK!!! Ooh sorry! FUCK! Damn!! Sorry….! Sigh….´My bike is broken, possibly total loss. 😦

I´m happy that I fell on the pavement. I could have fallen in front of a car. Did not! 🙂 Hurray for the separate bike lanes in The Netherlands! 🙂 And then I got saved by this beautiful, tall, grey eyed blond Dutch descendent of the Vikings guy saying ‘I’m a nurse, our practise is around the corner. Do you want me to help you clean up a little?’ HELL YES! He said he heard me fall from the opposite side of the roundabout.

It wasn’t all that nice. I spend the rest of the day fighting demons in the book store. I had promised to take over one day because the book store guy had family business to attend to. I had a bad case of hypochondria and thought I was going to die of internal bleeding. Well, the internal bleeding has stopped 😀 (or possibly wasn’t there? ;-)) and after I slept a very long night on a 1/4 painkiller (good stuff :-D) I feel better.

On discipline: something is waking up, no promises.

3 Things: nice people in the world, having learned to speak up when falling down, and happy that I fell nicely and with my head on my arm.

Hope you have/had a nice weekend. 🙂

xx, Feeling