Well, about stuff

Today’s date in history
– yearly flooding of the Nile
– Maria ascension
– 1769 Napoleon Bonaparte is born
– 1939 my mother is born
– 1945 Japan surrenders after Hiroshima and Nagasaki are destroyed.
– 1961 East-Germany starts building the Berlin Wall.
– 1990 Saddam Hoessein accepts Iran’s peace treaty, this ends the Iran-Irak war.

I can’t remember what I got my mother for her last birthday. I’m guessing it were very chique chocolates. Or maybe I did not give anything because I did not know what is a nice gift to give to somebody who is on her death-bed. I can’t remember.

I do remember us speaking about the presents that she did get. Lasting presents, like an umbrella or a gift certificate to a place she would not be able to visit anyhow. About the insensitivity of the givers; how they denied her death which was quickly approaching. How odd it felt to receive them. ‘Odd, very odd.’ she said. We spoke, and we shared opinions but there was no importance in the opinions, only in us sharing them. We sat together, drank tea together. I remember painting her toe nails.
What else? This continous switching between contact and peace and sadness and trying to dig our heels in to prevent the obvious from happening. And at the other, darker side; wanting the whole shebang to be over, so I could have a beer. Wishing that worked a little too well. She was rushed to hospital at around 14:00 because of a sudden fever. I took the times they were off to what, ‘take a load of’? I drank like I had never done before while taking photo’s of the house and garden. And then they returned unexpectedly. I shocked into being ‘sober’.
That night I rubbed her feet and could feel what part of her feet were non-responsive from the chemo she had received. That killed several nerves and parts of her feet were senseless. I remember being surprised I could point out exactly in what tiny spots the nerves had died – when being so loaded.
Looking back I think that scared my mother badly too. One for me being so sensitive that I could feel exactly what and where, something the doctors could not. And secondly: me still being that after, what they must have realised when I was gone, I drank 5 or 6 pints of beer. My mother always said: ‘If you want to know how much somebody drinks, don’t look at what they drink, look at how well they deal with it.’ I guess that evening she found her answer.
Several days later she died. On her deathbed she asked me to ‘take it easy on the beer’. I answered something like ‘I’ll be all right’ and thought ‘Don’t you dare try to take charge now!’ or something along those lines. It took me 7 years to finally get sober.
I am sorry mom. I am so sorry. This is how it was. This is how it is now, me sober. Thinking of you. Wishing things had been different. Wishing, I fucking had not drunk so much because I can’t remember the good times well.
I am happy that I quit. Though I stll regret quitting so late.
I need: to go out, see people, walk. I fell of my bike yesterday big time. Front break blocked and I got thrown off. Now I have succeeded to immobilize my right arm and shoulder too. It is funny in a painful way :-D. A little more than a year ago me getting sober started with being driven of my bike by a car. Again I seem to walk in a ‘wake-up’ or ‘self-destruct’ mode. Not sure which. Or maybe it is just an accident.
I want: dunno, no wants, possibly less pain in my shoulders, arm, knee and chest. Yes, that would be it.
I take: ha! 1/4 painkiller to get to sleep, my Ayurvedic pills, Bach rescue remedy which I luckily carried with me while falling of the bike, as Arnica (homeopathic stuff). My knee and arm have handful of skin missing but the 2 boiled eggs I carried in my backpack were not scratched πŸ˜€ Ghegheghe. I remember thinking ‘I know this’ when flying through the air. Ooh! NEW! Of course bystanders walked up to me to help me and I said: ‘I would really appreciate to lay down for a little longer because I do not think I can stand yet’. How cool is that?! NEW!!!!! I took my time on the ground to gather myself and only got to my feet when I felt I could. Somebody called the ambulance over that :-/ whom I had to explainΒ  why I did not want to come. I lay there realising that I did not have to feel guilty about falling because I had not been drinking. NEW!!! Not that I had been drinking the year before, but still. πŸ™‚ I did swear a lot. Ghegheghe. Β΄FUCK!!! Ooh sorry! FUCK! Damn!! Sorry….! Sigh….Β΄My bike is broken, possibly total loss. 😦
IΒ΄m happy that I fell on the pavement. I could have fallen in front of a car. Did not! πŸ™‚ Hurray for the separate bike lanes in The Netherlands! πŸ™‚ And then I got saved by this beautiful, tall, grey eyed blond Dutch descendent of the Vikings guy saying ‘I’m a nurse, our practise is around the corner. Do you want me to help you clean up a little?’ HELL YES! He said he heard me fall from the opposite side of the roundabout.
It wasn’t all that nice. I spend the rest of the day fighting demons in the book store. I had promised to take over one day because the book store guy had family business to attend to. I had a bad case of hypochondria and thought I was going to die of internal bleeding. Well, the internal bleeding has stopped πŸ˜€ (or possibly wasn’t there? ;-)) and after I slept a very long night on a 1/4 painkiller (good stuff :-D) I feel better.
On discipline: something is waking up, no promises.
3 Things: nice people in the world, having learned to speak up when falling down, and happy that I fell nicely and with my head on my arm.
Hope you have/had a nice weekend. πŸ™‚
xx, Feeling
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22 thoughts on “Well, about stuff

  1. Dear Feeling,
    I am happy you didn’t get something broken, or worse.
    So nice you painted your mom’s nails.
    The important thing is you did quit drinking!
    Your mom would be very happy!
    xo
    Wendy
    PS – I need to get out to see people this week, as I isolated myself for 2 days.

    Liked by 1 person

    • πŸ™‚ I’m happy too that I did not fall really badly. I spoke about it with the book store man yesterday. He said ‘apart from it not being nice, when you called to say you would be in the store later I also believe there was something between us that broke which had to be broken. Can’t really name it but that is how it felt.’ I don’t remember how it went exactly but I do remember realising that I could not ‘be as fantastic as I had hoped’ – which is a stupid longing anyhow. Falling down made me come of my ‘I will help you’ pedestal, literally. So I guess that is good :-). I would appreciate a less painfull approach to learning but I’m guessing if I don’t listen I get it the hard way. πŸ™‚
      Have you already made some effort to ‘go outside’and see people? I sometimes go to the park when friends are too busy, watch the dogs playing. I’ve come to notice that I really start to feel lonely in my life, that has been ok up to now but it is getting to me these last days. It is unhealthy and ‘not as it is supposed to be’.
      xx, Feeling

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    • Yeah, that would really suit your motto ‘Rewarding Life’ :-). Well, come to the Netherlands where we have bikelanes and you can do so relatively safely. One tip: do not wear a skirt with your oldest undies, just in case it flips up – as happened to me. But than again, my motto is feeling my way back into life, maybe I too should go with the rewarding stuff. πŸ™‚

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    • Ghegheghe, the shirt! πŸ™‚ I met with a masseusse last week, she asked if I could teach her stuff so I hope to trade lessons in my field to her expertise to unlock both my shoulders. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling
      Yes, trolley tracks, we have tram tracks here, killing! I did not believe how bad that is until I got in one myself in my first year in the city. πŸ™‚

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  2. Ohhh….OUCH! I’ve actually ridden a bike in Amsterdam and that is an intense scene! I’m really happy you fell in a safe place, that you didn’t get hurt worse, and that some nice people helped you. And also laughing in a happy way that a gorgeous nurse offered to help you. How lovely, what a nice gift from the Universe. πŸ™‚

    On the other hand, I’m sorry you’re in pain and I hope you heal quickly. Arnica is wonderful stuff, I use it on my children all the time. πŸ™‚

    It’s really nice to read your reaction to a situation that a lot of people would be grumbling about. But you’re looking for the positive, the good, and what has grown and developed in you to be able to do that. I think that’s wonderful.

    Sending you love and healing light, Feeling. ❀

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    • Love and healing light gladly accepted. ❀
      Yeah, looking for the good. That has changed with a year ago when I fell of (got driven of) my bike too and what was the actual reason that I got to quit drinking. I rang a friend whom I spoke with after the first time and now. I had forgotten that I had called her last year. And then she said: 'I am very happy to hear you speak about this so differently than you did last year! You have changed a lot.' πŸ™‚
      I got a check at the doctors today: 1 of my middletoes is broken. Strange. It did hurt like crazy and then suddenly things started to shift inside when I moved. Very odd sensation. Doctor says: tape it to the other. Come back if its not straight :-D. Ghegheghe… well.
      She had to laugh because I was there last week over my imagined heart attack and she said I needed to learn to ask for help. With my right shoulder being stuck I too need to when putting on long sleeved clothes (which of course I don't even with 15 degrees here…) and when putting on a jacket (which I just let hurt) and putting on my backpack (which…. I let hurt). And then I left the doctors and ask an assistent to help me with my backpack. First time for everything, safe with somebody who is a professional helper. I met up with the nutrionist friend, she's moving back to the States and I'm taking over her bike. I love that. It makes me happy. And she helped and I was sort of getting into it and then I passed the bookstore and shit, it was embarresing to ask. But I did and I realised how deep it runs. How ashamed I am if I can't do something on my own? It is amazing. I never knew that. Big blind spot. The ayahuasca spirit did once tell my 'You say you feel disconnected but you come here bringing your own blanket and pillow, while both are available and there was actually no room in the car. You bring your own food while you have paid for the food that is here, you do not interact with people and you make sure you get a mattras at 'the end of the circle'.' I guess there is food for thought. πŸ™‚ And I think I am still high on adrenaline, looking at the way I write. :-).
      xx, Feeling

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  3. AH! And I forgot to respond to what you wrote about your mother. So touching, really, so deep and beautiful and real. Truly eloquent…you put me there with you. I think that situation is something that few people can write about in the way you have. Especially this:
    We spoke, and we shared opinions but there was no importance in the opinions, only in us sharing them. We sat together, drank tea together. I remember painting her toe nails.
    What else? You ask…what more would anyone want in that situation, just someone who loves them, who is willing to be there with them and live through it in a genuine way, not skirting or avoiding. Thank you for sharing that, it is achingly beautiful.

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    • πŸ™‚ My mom gets the credits for all the work and therapy she did while knowing she was going to die. She wanted, I think she actually planned, the bad shit with the therapist (who is actually my therapist too – yes sounds weird, works very well, he’s good). So in the end she could have the good stuff with us. She did a lot of work on the fear of dying so she would not bring that into our relation. That was really wonderful, it made it possible for us to really say goodbye without the blind panick I know from other long lasting deathbeds which indeed causes avoidance and skirting. That was was what made it possible for us to be together like that in those moments. That is how she wanted it.
      xx, Feeling

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  4. Feeling! So sorry you came off your bike, I hope you’re on the mend now.
    I agree, you described the time with your mother really very beautifully. I will keep it in mind as my relationship with my parents is changing as they are ageing.
    Take care πŸ™‚ xx

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    • Thank you WU, I’m on the mend. πŸ™‚
      Yes, parents getting older, it’s just a whole new thing in life when we get to a certain age. Parts of me still have not, after 8 years, realised that my mom is gone. I think the booze is to blame for that :-(. I’m happy for you that you get to go into the ‘parents getting older’ process sober. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

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  5. Oh feeling, sorry about your fall, I hope you recovered ok? those words about your mum made me clutch my heart, thank you for sharing such a personal moment x

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    • I’m on the mend :-). Shoulders are still a little stiff but my doctor told me ‘learn to ask for help!’ and these stiff shoulders are an excellent way to ask people to lift my backpack on my back. πŸ™‚ It is… NEW!!!! I never thought is was an issue to ask for help (said the person who denied detox and did it by herself) but it is. Well. :-/ Life! πŸ˜‰
      xx, Feeling

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      • Oh, I understand all about asking for help… Or not as may be the case with me too. Stubborn, independent souls we are. Glad to hear you didn’t do too much damage. a nice soak in a spa bath would help soothe the muscles. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • True, true! I believe I read in The addictive personality from Craig Nakken that it is actually a trait of addicts NOT to ask for help. Never. Ever.
        I think I might go to the spa for my 1 year next week! Hope that my elbow is closed up by that time. πŸ™‚
        xx, Feeling

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