Another flow another world

๐Ÿ™‚ Hi! I’m back or at least in another flow than I was lately. Yesterday I was still in the dark stream and found if I could not do what I needed to (admin) I might as well clean because I am finding out that Netflixing is not actually helpful. While cleaning I got a call for a job interview. YEAH!!! I’m back!! I’m thinking, if I can send 3 letters in this world in this financial day and age, and get 2 invites, I’m not a lost case after all. ๐Ÿ™‚

And I got over my pride and said sorry to the bookstore man on the drama with which I ended our relationship. Not about the content btw, don’t think I will. We spoke. I am happy we spoke. He said something about having difficulty with the public(icty? what’s the word?) of the conversation we were having on his Facebook page. It was on destructive sexual patterns between man and women in this world.

Yes, yes, even when writing this I can hear you think ‘here we go again’. Sigh. Yes. I’ve given up feeling guilty about wanting to be friends with somebody who is also ‘making my life difficult’. In the end I learn more from him every second than I have learned from a lot of people in a lifetime and that is valuable to me. I am guessing I can now say: no matter how dark. It feels like I am learning to integrate the darkness. I have been all over the place lately but when I stop to really feel, I am content over the not having to run from the darkness I feared so much. I think I am/more running from the confusion that comes from the not having to run anymore and the realising that the solution of accepting what is – AND NOT ONLY THE NICE BITS – is so ‘simple’. When I stop to feel I feel like my whole left side of my body has come within my eh, awareness too. Internally I feel way more balanced actually since my realisation of the darkness. Hmmm. There is info here. Need to meditate on it. Well, the clash between him and me has introduced my demons to me. I am that. Still with a sidenote: too. ๐Ÿ™‚

The practise is now not to project this friendschip further in the future to places which are not to be visited. Intention, intention, intention.

He’s heading into his rock-bottom, or has been living there for a long time. He thinks that using gives him release from that. I think that is true. I also think it causes at least a big part of his dark moods. He’s taking on all the worries of the world. That too to me is a sign of addiction. It took me a while to get it, and I often notice am still not there. But the serenity prayer touches upon a very important aspect: ‘God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.’

I am happy that I quit. I’m guessing if we would have met a year ago we would have joyfully covered ourselves in gasoline and put a light to it. That is a joke. Apart from that it is possibly not. :-/

In these last weeks there is something in me resisting the thought that I can never drink again. Realising now that I have weakened my boundaries and only scan for urges and cravings and not for thoughts anymore because I thought these had been dealt with. Not so apparently. Need to realise: I don’t have to not drink in the future. I’m not drinking now. That’s enough. No need to stretch myself thin into the future. ๐Ÿ™‚

Ooh, I went to see a friend of mine yesterday. She works at a restaurant. There was no drink thought or don’t drink thought in me till I was at least half an hour there and she drew a beer from the tap in front of me. I was staring at it and in my head I was pushing it away. I suddenly realised that this was an odd thing to do. Only THEN came the thought ‘Aaaah, desensitization training!‘ ‘Aaah, this is beer!’, ‘Aaah I don’t drink beer!’, ‘Jeeeez! I have been here for half an hour and had not even noticed that there is alcohol around!’ Part of the alcohol desensitization training is pushing a picture of an alcoholic beverage away from me by using cursor keys. ๐Ÿ™‚ Cool! So! To me this is proof that the training has effect. ๐Ÿ™‚

So, happy that I quit. And I dreamed of seeking help AGAIN last night. My father had build a house by himself and it went waaaaaaay up in the sky, something like a 50 storey building. I wanted to go to the attic of course. I want to be high said the addict :-D. But when I got there and had been hanging around for a while I wanted to go down because the toilets were downstairs and also, apart from the thrill of climbing up there, there really was not a lot to do, see or experience.But I was afraid to come down because it was a sort of fly trap kind of building and the stairs could only be reached at great difficulty and I was afraid to fall down.So I walked around for a bit and realised that I was not going to change and needed help.

My mother was outside being all irritated and saying things like ‘I should have known you should not have build it that way. I told you so. And I told you not to go up there and now you are. And see what comes from it.’ My father had been drinking one beer and against his own principles still climbed up to help me get down. I was thinking: can I trust your insights when you drink? He brought a rope and we both tied an end to our waist and both jumped out of the window on either side of a sturdy pole. We slid down the very steep roof. Fucking scary but it worked. If one were to not jump at the same time the other one would have been pulled through the wrong window and we both would have plummeted to our deaths.

Of course this dream is about me, on the subject of looking for adventure, asking for help, the dynamics between my parents and the way I think that my parents ‘know/knew’ about my drinking. My mother thought it was my father who set me up. I’m not so sure. I’m not sure either what about the jumping because I would, in real life, never do it. But maybe, maybe, maybe…. that is exactly the point. ๐Ÿ™‚ And I don’t know from there on.

I need: to keep my wits together this afternoon with the job interview.

I want: things to be nice and easy so maybe I should stop worrying and just do what I have to do.

3 Things I am content with: being able to say sorry to the bookstore man about my part of the argument. And being well received in that. There’s a thing with people who are quick to anger, they seem to accept that from others as well. I’m all not for the accepting. ๐Ÿ˜€ Gheghgehe, guessing that makes it so difficult for me to deal.

Also very excited about the job interview. The lady on the phone said: ‘We got a lot of inappropriate applications but yours is looking very good.’ ๐Ÿ™‚ Still need to meditate on my mindset and prepare.

I take: less chocolate, less chips and more healthy food and drink.

Ooh NEW: my eyes are clearing up. As a teenager I used to have these bright, clear, light grey eyes. The older I got the more they changed and before I quit people could not even work out the colour anymore: grey/blue/green with a lot of brown dots. Now the brown dots are disappearing. NEW!!! I think that in the science of reading irises that is a good sign.ย  Also, my white is getting whiter and more defined around the iris. And my eyes look nice. NEW!!! When I now look into the mirror into my eyes now I like what I see. NEW!!! Gone is the disgust and (most of) the guilt, the shame, and specifically that look of not wanting to be here. And I can say I have beautiful eyes and be happy with that. ๐Ÿ™‚

And, not sure if I mentioned that already. It is very hot in my country currently and so it was last year but now….. I still have ankles. (NEW!!!)ย  Last year my calves ran straight into my feet. That is not bothering me anymore which means that my kidney and I guess my heart are working better. (NEW!!!!)

Hope you are having a nice day / evening.

xx, Feeling

Codes… the distance they create

Reblogging this beautiful post from my new found online sober friend Surviving and Thriving.

Have a read if you will.

xx, Feeling

survivingyetthriving

โ€œHey bro, donโ€™t worry about what you did, WE all make mistakes sometimes, WE love you anyways.โ€

โ€œYou know, Iโ€™m real sorry about WHAT HAPPENED the other day, sometimes life can get real confusing, and PEOPLE make mistakes and do stupid shit.โ€

I do this all the time.

โ€œHi, I would like to join THIS program, what do you think?โ€, โ€œwhich program?โ€, โ€œTHIS program.โ€ โ€œWHOSE program?, why canโ€™t you ask me straight?โ€ โ€œfine, can I join YOUR program?โ€, โ€œwhy canโ€™t you ask me if you can join ME, because if you do join the program it will be in order to join me and grow from that.โ€

This was a conversation I had with the dean of the school I joined once.

I answered him, still thinking that I know better than him or anyone for that matter, โ€œbecause most people would think that an inappropriate thing to say, andโ€ฆ

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Sex and drugs and rock and roll

Sigh….. current state of mind can be pictured as follows. Damn, I thought I had dealt with that ages ago but here it is again. Stupidity laced with destruction.

Sigh….. I-tjing on my current situation 58 with changing line 5 and my book says about that: Wein, Mann und Gesang which is German for sex and drugs (Wein = wine) and rock and roll. You are engulfed in it, might go down. Don’t build your house on unstable grounds.

Guess it would be nice to know where the stable ground is currently. Last week I’ve made a beautiful step in coming to know the darkness within. Even though I had always thought that to be a heroic thing, actually it was at that moment, but now it works out I’m now sitting with this internal whining child and I really have no clue as to how to proceed. What do you do with a whining child? My first reaction is/was to tell it off, tell it to stop moaning. I guess I would be using despise to make it set the boundaries. But I don’t want to go there anymore. And I can’t. I do not want to tell myself to stop because with the whining comes a last resort energetic control mechanism which I don’t want to give up. Hmmm. Well, hexagram 58 also says something about over sharing. That would be applicable. :-/

And on the question what about the boundaries I got hexagram 60 which is about boundaries and the natural needs for it. And still I’m not willing to deal with the whining child. ๐Ÿ™‚ Acceptance of what I can’t bear springs to mind. It’s not there. I’m don’t think I allow myself to cry over things I think I did wrong. ‘No use crying over spilled milk’ attitude combined with ‘As long as you still have the energy to complain there really is nothing wrong with you.’ Adding insult to injury. I don’t even need others to do that for me. Damn what a pffffff blegh post. I feel I can’t write anymore because I told the store man my blog name and that was all fine when we were all fine but now I’m not fine with things and it is difficult. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I am sort of happy that I quit. It is a strange time because the current weather continually reminds me of the process I went through last year at this time. I have written about it before but there is stuff I need to get out of my system and I can’t find what it is so I’ll just start where there is an entry.

About a month ago last year I got run of my bike by a car. Nothing major because he only got the back of my bike and I somehow did not land under it or under the next one so all was well-ish but shit did I get a fright. It was not a nice experience to see a car come speeding at me. Even though I had been waking up everyday with the question ‘Would this be the day that I kill myself’ at that moment the biology clearly indicated: I want to live! My therapist has been the one to jokingly tell me that nothing works so well against depression as a life threatening situation. Well, guess he was right. ๐Ÿ™‚

I had already told my GP that I had an issue with booze and she did not blink or blush (that is a Dutch saying) and said something like: ‘Well, we need to look into that then.’ No pressure. Just ‘We need to look into that then.’. The no pressure is so important. Funny that she knew, she also said ‘All on your own time.’ And I guess there she had me because shit do I hate pressure and I realised that if I wanted to do something about it she was the one to help me but because she gave me the freedom: I had to step up. She was God sent. ๐Ÿ™‚ โค

I actually used my brains for the stepping up. I started a Word document that contained all my questions and answers and some blog like posts. Here is one of the 14th of July 2014:

14 July 2014

Keep on thinking: Not addicted to alcohol, just drinking too much. Yeah. Right.

Looking up health stuff on the net. Finally realised that getting healthy is more important than being ashamed and being afraid to be found out. Did lie to my aunty today, by mail, to inform her of me going to do a diet.

Missing when detoxing: thiamine, folate, and a multivitamin in isotonic saline with 5 percent dextrose. Trying to find out what to stock up on before entering the program.

Thiamine: 1100 mg ADH

Folaat: 300 micrograms per day

Potassium = kalium

The cat keeps calling me away from the computer. She just growled at me for petting her wrong. I burst out in tears, feel absolutely useless. Donโ€™t know how to reach out, donโ€™t know how to touch, offend people (and cats) fucking abrasive character. What use am I?

Been speaking to SIL on the phone. Hate to lie. Did though.

Checking out the website of the programme. Some of the therapists look horrible, in a way that the scare me. Very scared of the head of meds.

Ghegheghe, just looked up the head of meds again. I am pretty sure now I would not have fitted in with the bunch. I think I actually saved myself by not going there. I think my initiative would not have survived this bunch of old men. And that is what I was feeling all along, the more steps I had with signing up for the (inhouse/outhouse) programme, the more I felt my life’s fire was quenched. And when finally the organisation did not phone me at a moment they said they would have I had a sort of mental breakdown / buildup (not sure anymore which). With that I realised that I had made myself totally dependent on them and ieew that felt wrong. And a special date coming up I wanted to quit before that so I did. Sort of an all or nothing thing. Well, not sort of. It was, then. Intense process with a tremendous swing from preferring death and being dependent to looking for life and the need to be independent.

Where am I headed with this. Not sure. Currently bugged by the idea that I am not going anywhere with my life. Stuck in this indecision thingy for days. Can’t seem to work it out. And it causes this ‘you might as well be drinking’ thought to pop up. Which I know is not true but I’m in need of more than just knowing it is not true. So I keep on writing and see what pops up. I feel I’ve done stupid things and I want the feeling about it to go away. But if feels like that would require sticking my head in a hornets nest. Hmmm, that nest is of my own doing. Don’t want to realise that. Prefer denial. Another piece from the file before I quit:

Levels of denial

1 lack of information

2 defensiveness โ€“ knows something is wrong yet does not want to face the consequences

3 Denial: unconscious defence meganism to guard against pain and helplessness

4 Delusion: deeply mistaken believe held in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

I do not allow myself a live. I keep on punishing myself for being wrong. And thereโ€™s no need to stop drinking because that would be superficial, arrogant, demanding a right to live.

So much destruction. Punishment. Guilt. Shame. I need to go out of this house and do stuff. ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

Hope you have a more joyful day ;-). I’m off to do stuff. Not sure what, it will come up when I’m at my bike.

xx, Feeling