I have me, I always have me

Shame, the emotion that does not want to be seen.

Went to pick up BrenΓ© Brown’s book on Imperfections. Which is about 11 months after it has first been advised to me ;-). Got to the store. Had tea and spoke with a guest and the bookstore man. Things were strange the whole hour and I felt I had to clear something up on what was said in the conversations. We did and all was ok-ish, I don’t know. Since I realised I don’t actually know the book store man there seems to be a distance between us. It is so intriguing how these things work. Also, he’s pretty strange when it comes to me speaking with other people, he always checks one way or the other whether I am interested in a man. Not nice. 😦 About not knowing a person and still thinking you (i!) do…. Sigh.

Well, I’m not alone, biology favoured people who fall in love easily over those who don’t because it is a factor that stimulates offspring. People who wait 5 year to have kids have way less kids than those who go for it. That’s the biological reason for falling in love. True, it’s all a bit overdone at 45 to think of offspring but, it is there and that is how it is. And yes, it blinds. That is exactly the biological purpose of falling in love. Sigh again.

I went home and suddenly full-blown shame overwhelmed me. This is where I feel myself standing in this strange dark, sober land of nothingness. Strong winds blast sand and stones from all directions. All I can do is stand, endure, feel myself, feel what is happening. I did. Winds of shame and condemnation effortlessly blew away my defences, the rubbish, the excuses, the attachments. They blew through me and I let them go. It took all I had, what was left was what I am and I realised: I can stand.

No matter what powers are unleashed, I have me, I always have me. I know my heart. I know my intentions. My heart is not bad, I am not bad, my intentions are not bad. And if things happen to work out bad because I am new to the territory, so be it. I do not have to be perfect. The wish for perfection stops the flow of Life. I can not be shamed anymore because I have me.

Shame takes away the right to be me. I have the right to be me. No matter what.

It is a lonely place but at least I have me.

I am happy that I quit. If only it were for experiences like these and being there.

I take; the Ayurvedic stuff and the now forbidden chocolate. That is a thing that needs work.

I need: to sleep.

I want: to sleep

3 Things: the book store man, I don’t think I have ever in my life learned so much from speaking with a non-professional. 2 I am also thankful for my strength. I might be weak in normal things but I’m pretty good in the dark stuff. πŸ™‚ 3 This blog, in which I have taken the liberty to relentlessly (and endlessly) write about dark stuff and still you are reading this :-). It helps. I would not have come here if I had not been writing for so long. Sobriety for me is about where the dark stuff happens and then exactly not drinking it away. The dark stuff happens just exactly there where life takes me. What is in the way is The Way.

Discipline: still in the state of exploring, trying to find a way to discipline without guilt or blame. Now the shame has been seen, maybe discipline is not the thing, maybe going with the flow called Life is the way. Whoa! That is Big. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

I’m off to bed. Hope you have a nice day/evening. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

11 thoughts on “I have me, I always have me

  1. I think you need to print this out and read it to yourself every day, like an affirmation. xx

    “No matter what powers are unleashed, I have me, I always have me. I know my heart. I know my intentions. My heart is not bad, I am not bad, my intentions are not bad. And if things happen to work out bad because I am new to the territory, so be it. I do not have to be perfect. The wish for perfection stops the flow of Life. I can not be shamed anymore because I have me” .

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I had a Tarot card reading recently and the Hanged Man came up πŸ˜‰ It’s not always a negative feeling ‘The Hanged Man in the past position underscores that your current situation began with a letting go, a retreat, a foregoing of pleasure or reward in order to not be controlled by simple temptations.’ You are letting go of shame – this is good πŸ™‚ xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • πŸ™‚ Yeah, I know. I put it in there because this card depicts what the process felt like: that phase where everything is scary, uncomfortable, where I do not dare to let go and this feeling of the outside world mocking me. It was a dark place. πŸ™‚


  3. Hi Feeling!
    I don’t about tarot cards.
    I do know about shame, and dark places.
    But now, I am healing.
    By not drinking, I can keep healing!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hi,
    The Brene Brown is really powerful stuff – I read two of her books last year and they still resonate – especially the words shame, vulnerability and courage. I see people now who are so ashamed and fearful of being vulnerable that they never really allow themselves to live life – let alone be creative and put something out there that people may judge.
    If I can recommend another book it would be Flow by Csikszentmihalyi – it is really accessible for a psychology text and profoundly changed the way I do things in my life.
    I have the same tarot deck since 1992 and it has travelled everywhere with me. I remember doing a reading for myself and seeing that I should jump and take the option and go ask the girl out back in 1999 – but I didn’t – and I’ll never know. Isn’t it funny how one reading like that stays with me and I’ve done dozens of them?
    Anyway, hanged man was always about beginnings and endings and if we tie that in with Brene’s shame and vulnerability – we come up with the end of shame and embracing vulnerability in all it’s glorious uncertainty. That’s the paradox – to be truly vulnerable we have to really dial down our own shame, because we’re not bad people – just alcoholics.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Bren,
      Thank you for stopping by and commenting. πŸ™‚ And yes, the good thing in the hanging man. I”m at the other side now and know lots more about shame, I start to feel when it comes up, how it controls me and how destructive it is. Which is good. πŸ™‚
      By the way: do you know Prim? From Taking a new path? (https://takinganewpath.wordpress.com/) she’s just doing a book review on the Flow. πŸ™‚ It is one of those times again where synchronicity brings all kinds of things on my path. πŸ™‚
      After months of fighting with shame, guilt, the term alcoholic and ‘is it a disease or do I just lack personality’ I’ve come to my personal definition: addiction is misunderstanding of how Life works. As there are many misunderstandings, alcoholism is a serious one, and deadly. Not good. 😦
      Question; How do you ‘dial down’ shame’? I’m in the process part where seeing, recognising is key.
      xx, Feeling


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