I have me, I always have me

Shame, the emotion that does not want to be seen.

Went to pick up Brené Brown’s book on Imperfections. Which is about 11 months after it has first been advised to me ;-). Got to the store. Had tea and spoke with a guest and the bookstore man. Things were strange the whole hour and I felt I had to clear something up on what was said in the conversations. We did and all was ok-ish, I don’t know. Since I realised I don’t actually know the book store man there seems to be a distance between us. It is so intriguing how these things work. Also, he’s pretty strange when it comes to me speaking with other people, he always checks one way or the other whether I am interested in a man. Not nice. 😦 About not knowing a person and still thinking you (i!) do…. Sigh.

Well, I’m not alone, biology favoured people who fall in love easily over those who don’t because it is a factor that stimulates offspring. People who wait 5 year to have kids have way less kids than those who go for it. That’s the biological reason for falling in love. True, it’s all a bit overdone at 45 to think of offspring but, it is there and that is how it is. And yes, it blinds. That is exactly the biological purpose of falling in love. Sigh again.

I went home and suddenly full-blown shame overwhelmed me. This is where I feel myself standing in this strange dark, sober land of nothingness. Strong winds blast sand and stones from all directions. All I can do is stand, endure, feel myself, feel what is happening. I did. Winds of shame and condemnation effortlessly blew away my defences, the rubbish, the excuses, the attachments. They blew through me and I let them go. It took all I had, what was left was what I am and I realised: I can stand.

No matter what powers are unleashed, I have me, I always have me. I know my heart. I know my intentions. My heart is not bad, I am not bad, my intentions are not bad. And if things happen to work out bad because I am new to the territory, so be it. I do not have to be perfect. The wish for perfection stops the flow of Life. I can not be shamed anymore because I have me.

Shame takes away the right to be me. I have the right to be me. No matter what.

It is a lonely place but at least I have me.

I am happy that I quit. If only it were for experiences like these and being there.

I take; the Ayurvedic stuff and the now forbidden chocolate. That is a thing that needs work.

I need: to sleep.

I want: to sleep

3 Things: the book store man, I don’t think I have ever in my life learned so much from speaking with a non-professional. 2 I am also thankful for my strength. I might be weak in normal things but I’m pretty good in the dark stuff. 🙂 3 This blog, in which I have taken the liberty to relentlessly (and endlessly) write about dark stuff and still you are reading this :-). It helps. I would not have come here if I had not been writing for so long. Sobriety for me is about where the dark stuff happens and then exactly not drinking it away. The dark stuff happens just exactly there where life takes me. What is in the way is The Way.

Discipline: still in the state of exploring, trying to find a way to discipline without guilt or blame. Now the shame has been seen, maybe discipline is not the thing, maybe going with the flow called Life is the way. Whoa! That is Big. 🙂 🙂 🙂

I’m off to bed. Hope you have a nice day/evening. 🙂

xx, Feeling