The ayurveda doctor said he suspected a serious discipline issue in me. Ghegheghe, what? Did he read my blog or did one of you call him? So, these past days I have again been studying how it works in me. (Yes, yes, discipline is a do-thing, not a study-think, I know, I know!!!!!)
Discipline, I used to write it with capitals, when I was young. I need to get it back but the way I did it is not sustainable. All of my former discipline has been shame based; fear to disappoint my mother, fear to not catch up with my older brother (when he got potty trained I followed within in 2 weeks at age 1,5), fear to not be best of class, fear to not get another ‘Excelles’ at my next review, fear to not earn as much as my 5-year older boyfriend. Fear of failing In the entrepreneur situation I was in where ‘you are as good as your last job’ is the actual truth. All the stimuli I used to need were about things needing to be fantastic. Normal is not good enough. Normal is more like something to be ashamed of.
I feel this misunderstanding of life is based in an upbringing where only highlights were commented on an celebrated, where doing and achieving is appreciated over being. And also: in this I am not sure if it were my parents who brought me up this way or I myself. Well, my father and indeed my mother did, but it all just caught on too neatly. I did it myself too. My feeling good was never about myself in myself, always in relation to others.
From a parenting perspective this overzealous attitude might have been something one would want to work on when discovered in your own kid. And in whatever therapy I might want to shout at my parents for ‘not doing so’ and setting me up for failure in my future life. From a ‘lets see how I deal with this’ I think it is time to look at my own patterns.
Ha! I can’t. 😀
There is a funny thing with shame going on: it is difficult to look at. There is this whole dark place within me, I never go there and I can’t look at it. The other day I wrote another one of my bloglike responses to a post of Paul from the Alcoholics guide to alcoholism. It was about how I dislike John Bradshaws ranting in the video and how I tend to have conflicts with older man well, all over an always. It took me up to now to realise that my personal ranting is not about John Bradshaw, it is about me. Yeah. 😦 And because I stay in this ‘elder guys are always like this and that’ I tend to not be very flexible with them. Bitchy would be the word. Hmmm. Food for thought.
And… this…. brings me to projecting. I had this amazingly scary experience the other day with the bookstore man. He said something, something amazingly normal, can’t even remember what it was, but it was outside my ‘idea of him’. And there the bubble burst. And I realised that I don’t even know the guy. And that a whole lot, if not everything I think he is, is, is all in my mind. Jeeeeeez! That put me back on my own two feet. (NO! Don’t laugh… 😦 )
Somehow I knew this had to be coming someday, it has come in any actual relation I have been in, this moment of waking up and thinking: who the #%^@ is that in my bed?!!! My idea from the beginning has been to find out how that works, and then I lost myself, which I guess is part of it and here it is: fully fledged projection showing. Tssss… pfffff…. amazing how overwhelmingly big this misconception can be. This goes even beyond the teenage moaning I’ve done, it is overwhelming. A friend of mine replied; I can’t even work out my own thoughts, so how the hell would I think I can actually know somebody else. I thought that would be a good point to stay on for a while. I could sort of ‘knowingly’ call my new attitude a beginners mind but no, I just dropped from a high place and found out that I have been duping myself with an image of how somebody is while now I find out that I don’t know shit. And that is mostly because I always do the talking. Yes, I do not only do all the writing, I do the talking as well.
Overwhelming wake up call. It was, I don’t know, I am still not used to the enormous power of projecting which is in falling in love. My not so romantic definition of being in love is: throwing a net of projections and fantasies over somebody and trying to real him/her in. I KNOW that is how I’ve gone about this earlier. But knowing and knowing are still different obviously. And… if the other went along with the net, it would be another bad relation like I had several. Funny thing is: the bookstore man did not go along, which left me to dangle and work on my own projections. Which is good. 🙂 It did work. That is shocking, but good. We spoke about me taking the time to work out my projections through Facebook a while ago. I said that the good in the whole thing for me was that I got to work out my own projections. I finished of with saying those were my conscious intentions. And that this was indeed exactly the disclaimer since I also mentioned that I have no control over the unconscious parts. 😀 He could laugh at that, ghegheghe.
So, back to nets of projection. I would have never realised the aggression and the power issues that are expressed in this image of ‘falling’ ‘in love’ that I sketched. And obviously when wondering about that the Universe sends me Alexander Lowen’s character structures through internet with this beautiful drawing of a woman saying something like ‘Let me give to you, or I’ll kill you’.
Which is a bit over the top (gosh?!) but the aggression: let me in or I’ll force my way in is certainly there. Not attractive. 😦 I feel with that I am repeating my bond with my mother. My whole photo book is filled with remarks saying things like ‘You are cuddly and unfortunately won’t take no for an answer, soooo different from your older brother.’ Yeah, well, &#^@!!!!! (#&^@%$*$!!!!
Well, I do get the time to sort of stand along the sideline and see how things work for me. Unfortunately I did get drawn into that a little too deep for comfort. But breaking the bubble was good. After the bubble broke the conversation continued on the energetic walls I once set in my house :-). The building is from the 1930 so the walls are very thin so the first Friday night I slept there I heard ALL my neighbours having sex. Lacking earplugs I set these energetic boundaries in the walls left, right, front, back and floor. While speaking about this with the bookstore man I talked myself back into that moment where took that decision and the funny thing is that I repeated in real life in that moment. And kedeng! Back were my boundaries. 🙂 Good. Makes me able to stand on my own feet again. Very comfortable. Da F! did I do all this hanging out outside my own center for? Ieeew…. 😦
Gonna pick up Brené Brown’s book :-D. So, let’s see if I can stay on my feet, in my center and in reality. 🙂
I am happy that I quit, currently because otherwise I would have never found about this destructive way of me of dealing with ‘love’. I am thinking I am not making progress. But I am. And even if not, putting time between me and the last drink is a good one. Generally I have been happier these days, mostly because I feel I have myself back but also because of the Ayurvedic pills, not sure what’s in there but I am happy, regardless. 🙂
I take: Ayurvedic pills, still need to work out my exact diet (as in foods which are good for me and those which are not) to accomplish them. He spoke about moderation. I just laughed sheepishly:
‘There is no such thing as moderation in me.’
‘But your mother was a very, very eh, well, she did everything so precise.’
Well that is where I get a little irritated. My mother wrote DISCIPLINE with capitals. And she was hardly ever happy. Then she died. In an awful marriage. How’s that for discipline? 😦 And no, of course I did not say that. I just need to find my own version of discipline, I feel all my discipline is in not drinking and after that there is a nw land I am walking through. It takes all my attention to stay here, walk here, be here in this new land which is not structured by living from escape to escape and working in between. I am pretty aware (ish? disclaimer allowed?) of what is going on in the land, it just does not seem to blend with the rest of the world anymore. I feel like a little piece of a puzzle trying to fit into the normal world. It just doesn’t fit.
New category: On discipline: looking at the subject, trying to stay out of the shame of not having it anymore, trying to find a way that does not discipline me by shaming or scaring me.
I need: to make something for my shoulder to keep it warm so this tendon infection can heal.
I want: hmmm…. don’t know. For things to be easy? I guess?
3 Things: friend visiting today with her little girl, she and my cat met. Cat was distrustful but I instructed the girl so the could bond a little. 🙂 Cat has had this homeopathic drops from the vet a while ago, she is very relaxed. A neighbour came over asking what had happened to her because they saw her laying in the sun in the grass and she did not run but just lay there :-). Good :-). Writing this post is good. Cleaning the house is good too. Aah, and I’ve cleaned out the book cabinets and got a box of old books for the 2nd hand shop. :-).
Hope you have a nice day/evening!