Opening my post and doing admin. FINALLY! The last bits of requesting tax back from earlier years. In the pile found a tax invoice and the request form addressed to my neighbour, but I had already opened it and left it there. Just only noticing now that it is not addressed to me. I remember this coming in EXACTLY 2 days after I had requested it. SHIT!!! That was a months ago. Ieeew. She is not home now. Hope she is not going to be too late with paying / asking for a refund….. 😦 😦
All those years I have taken the utmost care not to let my addiction leak into other people’s lives – or at least reduce this possible harm to a minimum by not being in contact with people when I had been drinking. By not putting drinking before appointments. And this admin thing, it is even bigger than drinking. It is baffling. I feel such a fraud. And it feels like the Universe teaching me a lesson in humility which is correct I guess (I am pretty quick to judge her on her drinking habits) but FUCK!!!! AAAAHRG!!!!!
Had a talk with the book store man a few days back, he was telling something about himself and I gave a stupid answer so I guess that (sub?)consciously made him turn the conversation around to my incapability: admin. He has offered to help me. But hey, I’m too proud and always think: tomorrow I’ll do it. He has tried to coax me into doing it by saying he would take me out to dinner if I was done. That was like 2-3 months ago… Guess even biology can’t fix this one. Which tells me how big it is. 😦
So the other day he turned the conversation around and I noticed how utterly uncomfortable I was and he was asking these questions and I was hiding and making up stupid answer and actually, I think I lied too. BS, I don’t want to know it, I did try to lie but he discovered an incongruity there and put it out there, so I twisted and turned and pfffff…. well, he had to catch his tram so I was left with me realising all the above. SHIT. I can’t believe how big it is for me. I find my incapability of dealing with finances more private than my (well, non existing…) sex life.
Yesterday I cleaned the house so no excuses left to not do admin. I want to become better. I don’t want to stay in this half-life I am leading. I think I have done very well the last year, and I think I would have done worse if I would have had help from the beginning. But now I am at my wit’s end and that is good, I guess. I NEED to learn to ask for help, to trust, to really connect, not from this I know it all tower I live in but be out there and, well connect.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, you get it I guess. Addict. Control issue.
Ha, I am happy that I quit. At least I don’t have to do that too.
I want: a load of cash
I need: to deal with what has been given, that’s all I have to do.
I take: eh, nothing. I am going to make an appointment with an Ayurvedic doctor though. Can’t do stuff on my own anymore. It is good. Tax money came back. I’ve got another 2-3 months to live off, another tax refund is on the way, that would be another 3-4 months. And, haha, my admin man has taken it upon him to call me every Friday to check on me. I love his man brain energy. He’s got this easy way of organising things in my head and soothing all that is flying everywhere. 🙂 🙂 🙂
3 Things: writing this post, knowing that I am in the process of what I need to do, it is not easy for me but hey, they never said it would be. My cat who, due to her homeopathic pills has become very cuddly over the last months. My clean house, not having to wear shoes. (yes, ieew!!)
Hope you are having a good day/evening. 🙂