Not sure when it happened but somewhere in the last months I have let go of direction. I’ve quit even trying to do something – which is partially good because I was only frustrating myself with demands that were exactly too high to reach but today I finally found that indeed, there is no direction and no concentration.
I mailed the book store man that the job I applied for cancelled today. Well, even though I was not at my computer I actually knew the exact moment it dropped into my inbox. But hey, they were not asking for intuition, the were looking for somebody to do a different job. 😦 So…. you will not have to call me professor Feeling in the future. Shame, would have been nice. The job. Aaah, and yes, the title too of course. 😉
So the book store men, he asked if I was sad about it. I replied yes, and ‘too’ because I’m coming to this point where I am realising that I can do a lot of things, when I start. And that maintenance and closing things off is just not my natural thing. And doing the same stuff over and over again neither (apart from silly mistakes and repeating character defects continuously….) My mother has been complaining about that all my life, I of course never even thought of believing that untill I got sober. My horoscope has almost all the planets at one side of the wheel: the starting point and very few elsewhere. My i-tjing year/date/whatever thing seems to be the thunder and thunder sign, which can be explained as: everything comes with big insights, flashes, quick energy bursts and then nothing. So there is little continuity. I notice that in me. And it is irritating because it seems to keep me from doing stuff. Everything in this world has a beginning, a middle and an end. I´m only good at the beginning. That is not sustainable when applied at the wrong place. So now I need to go look for the right place. The book store man and I worked out over the chat that I have difficulty bearing (the stupidity of) this focus on beginnings.
And because I have that I don’t look for places where I can use it. So I went to that interview thinking: I hope there are a lot of changes so I can develop new materials…. Yeah…. that was NOT the job description. But I’m only getting that now. I feel imprisoned when everything is set. Very good that I did NOT go to any program for getting sober, it would have suited me. I need to find stuff out myself. And only when I get tired of that I can learn. Ooh, did not tell it here yet but I’m planning to go look for some AA meetings once I have my one year. 🙂 I’m thinking the time is ripe and I am ripe, that is I guess that last bit is very important too :-).
That’s it. And ooh, and I cleaned the whole house. I was complaining to the book store man about not being able to bear, as in carry, this hectic Helter Skelter like thing in me, and how it confuses me and keeps me from taking myself serious because ‘I can’t do the job’. My idea is that I need to be able to carry everything from beginning to end. Well, I still judge myself over not being able to do that so I can’t elaborate. Anyhow, I guess he misunderstood something or not, he told me to just start and watch – not see- but watch what happened. Which took the plug out of this bathtub filled with resistance and I cleaned the whole house. And found out that I totally lack direction and focus and that I am all over the place. But I let it be and cleaned according to the butterfly method: start of in the kitchen, find something there that belongs in the living, take it to the living, fall over something that belongs in the sleeping room, take that to the sleeping room, see that the bed needs to be done, make the bed, find unsorted socks, sort the socks, get back to the kitchen (be surprised that it is still a mess while I am already cleaning for 10 minutes…). Start cleaning the kitchen, use a towel, see that it is dirty, sort the laundry, put it in the washing machine, see that the window of the washing machine is dirty, clean the window, while I’m cleaning there, might as well to the sink, splashed on the mirror, clean the mirror, cleaning stuff is in the kitchen, hey!? dirty kitchen, run hot water to fill the sink, water too hot, put in pots to get the label off, go to the living for a cup of tea, see books, read, remember not to be distracted, put the books on the shelf, see dust, clean dust.
It is actually an art to be able to let go and clean this way, or total stupidity, that works well too. Give it a try, it goes against a lot of things I call ‘normal’ and ‘how it should be’. But I find it interesting to do so. And today I could not do anything else because I noticed this is how I am now. Chaotic. Which… is why I’m going to see if the 12 step plan can bring me some structure. And of course I am fearing having to find a sponsor. And I am fearing religious older man already upfront which I explained extensively in a text yesterday at Paul’s blog. Which by the way is a very beautiful list of post on the subject of shame and how it lays at the base of addiction. Real cool info. 🙂 And important to address too because I’m thinking shame is an emotion that hides. In order to grow I’m guessing I need to shine some light on that and shame has this dynamic that it does not show as shame. It seems to show as perfectionism, power issues, criticism etc. Check out the vid from Paul’s blog. The guy mentions it all.
My remarks on (religious) men got me, I believe 2 ‘Thank you for your honesty’s’ again. That’s when I sit back and swallow. And wish I had sat back before and swallowed. 😀 Aah, you English, with your fine speech, you Americans with your non-judgemental, politically correct approaches. Still feeling like the elephant in the porcelain cabinet. That would be a Dutch saying, but I guess you get the meaning. 🙂
Where did I come from where was I heading? Ooh yes, lack of direction. I have that. And it is time to get some back. Not sure how but I guess I’ll start with: 3 meals a day again, wake up on time and see how things develop from there. Baby steps.
I am happy that I quit. Not sure why though. Which response is totally in line with the lack of focus :-D. Well, let’s turn it around: I would be devastated if I would be drinking. Ieeew! But no, I need to get to the place where I am happy that I quit. Hmmm, not a lot of happiness to be found. That is because I am not satisfied with my progress because I never finish stuff. Well, back to the topic of the post.
I take: hmmm, less chocolate, no cheese, no chips, more good food.
I want: still want things to be easier.
I need: to get a move on, blegh!
3 things: clean house, conversation with friend, and it feels like a start of a new time of awareness. I have now come to the point where I can list 3 things no problem, maybe I should now focus on really being happy about them. Because I still lack that. I have very few to no moments where I relax or am happy over what I did, have achieved, has been given. There is this constant nagging of ‘you need money’, ‘you need a job’ and the feeling guilty when I am happy without that. Conversations in my head telling me that ‘it is not enough’. ‘I am not enough’. I resent that, I’m thinking now I might be refusing to do stuff just to irritate those voices. Look! I don’t even need a mother to be childish! 🙂 Time to make friends with the voices and feed my demons.
Hope you are having a nice day / evening! 🙂