What do you know? Layers and layers. I’m at the point where I peel of one layer only to discover another underneath and one underneath and another one…. underneath.Very informative, pretty tiring too. 😀
A year ago I was in the process of getting into a detox centre and following a program to get sober. It was summer holiday so there were promises of ‘we will help you within 3 weeks’ which turned out to be 2 months or more. It was both frustrating and educative/ing?. I found out that 3 weeks would have been wonderful, but it worked out that I was not ready yet. When after 2 months the situation was still unclear and taking ‘too long’ and I noticed that I was getting emotionally dependent on the caretakers I did one of my plot-twists and detoxed by myself and put myself in my own program.
The goal of the program is to become clear, transparent. Getting rid of alcohol and any other addictions is part of that. I don’t want alcohol, the denial, the destruction that it brings, the darkness, the unclearity or any other unclearity between me and the world. It works out easier (not drinking) and more difficult (the onion layers) than I imagined it would be.
Because I thought my sense of right and wrong had not been totally corrupted yet I thought I could make that into my compass for living. Hence: feeling my way back into life. There is a disclaimer here: my urge to actually listen to what is right and wrong is not always as strong but that took me a while to find out. 😉
I’m guessing humans are inherently good and intuitively know what is right and what is wrong. Few of us have had the privilege to be brought up in a world where this inherently good was honoured. We all have been hurt and mistreated and mistreat ourself too I guess. Because of all the hurt I’m thinking we have lost touch with the good within us. I’m trying to get that state of knowing and being back. Not drinking is one thing of that, taking care of myself another. Come to think of it, taking care of my life should be fitted in but I’m somehow struggling to fit my new self into the (old?) world.
Trying to live true and speak truth is another. I don’t want to hide anymore. I’ve done so much hiding and it was killing me. So now I speak, well, write. And low and behold, of course I spoke some truth with the bookstore man again.
My brother is away on holiday and I would like to return to my homeland to walk and bike. But not on my own :-(. My girlfriends are all either working or on holiday so I asked the store man if he felt like going. He refused politely on grounds of having to take care because of having given his heart to his girlfriend (they are back together again, yes, that does switch from day-to-day and yes, that is none of my business and no it does not make a difference but I’ll get to that later)
So… what to reply to that? Now I come to think of it I am not sure how he meant that. But that does not matter either. Since we were on the subject anyway and I have no other reply than the truth I said that I could not deny to be fond of his heart too but not to worry because I have serious doubts about being able to substantiate any of that. I actually said: can not afford to burn myself (which I surely will and already do, be it in moderation) Which in itself is a very one-sided thought so I added that if I would have thought he would have been interested he would have made a move. And as he did not, I assume he is ‘just not that into me’. Clear.
I added that I was too unstable for the dynamics we seem to conjure up anyhow and that I felt perfectly safe watching from a distance how the biology throws some romantic projections into the equation every so now and then. Hope he felt safe too, if he did not I would like (no, not like 😦 ) to hear that.
And I could write here what he replied but that would be a literal reaction of his writing so I am not sure if that is polite. And I bore you to death with my working out this book store man issue anyway. Ok, short part: ‘Thank you for your reaction, about the biology, it would be nice if that was gone. :-)’ To which I agreed. And I’m thinking, it is not useless because it actually stimulates me to look at stuff closer, and as I informed him I actually am pretty happy that I get to safely take a look at all that it conjures up. Can’t do anything with it anyway. Apart from anything, all the mechanisms involved; I’ve set my own one year rule and I’m not at 1 year. And it is not that I am overtaken by biology. Anyway… and there is this ‘little monkey coming out of my sleeve’…. I would not want to be with somebody who uses. How’s that for a nasty layer under all the layers? When I get to that spot where there would be a possibility I IMMEDIATELY go: NO!!
How’s that for an interesting find under all these layers? Very much embarrassed about it but next I worked out that I actually am very angry that he did/does not quit. It is something like ‘how dare you refuse my good intentions?’. Ieeew!! And…. sigh…. The dynamics, powerful and destructive. Good to unearth, pretty dark, eh, darker than dark. 😦 Sigh. I don’t know, I would wish I was a nicer person. How does it work? I am guessing because he does not like me as I hope he would I climb on my high horse to accuse and refuse him back. Ghegheghe…. I’m guessing that is exactly how childish it is. Sorry world. 😦 Hubris, hubris. And, who am I to point fingers? Ghegheghe, internal rightfighting going on:
I have every right to feel how I feel because I quit!!
No, that is not how it works.
I want it to work this way!
It is not how it works.
But I want it to work this way!!!! Otherwise! Otherwise! I feel powerless and alone….
Hmmmm. Yes. That is how it works.
Dynamics, forceful dynamics. I’m not really proud of this part of me. Brutal honesty? Not so attractive. Did I say before that this one year rule is a very good rule?
Ha, so the conversation with the store men happened and after I went to a 2nd hand store. Checking out their books, put my pile down on a table, picked it up again and ghegheghe, I seemed to have added another book to it which was on the table already:
YES, thank you universe….!!!!! :-D. Ghegheghe…. a miracle and a well-timed yet sadly cynical book, are both just around the corner…. 🙂
I am starting to realise how my standard way of being close to somebody, romantic or not, immediately turns into self-destruction when things go different from what I would like. I can’t afford that. Reading Joan Matthews Larson on depression and her statistics; only 1 in 4 make it to a year of sobriety and separate from that but also in the book: 1 in 4 (ex) alcoholics die of suicide. Knowing me, relapse would hit me hard and I would not trust me with my life if I were to relapse. Which… is a good motivator if nothing else ;-). So, self-care is back to priority number 1.
My current focus is on looking how this self-destruction button works and to where it brings me. Haven’t eaten my vegetables for days, did eat a bar of chocolate every day. That comes from a plant too. Not? And a bag of chips too, which is potatoes with paprika. Or? Putting on weight, feeling nasty and there is this fog in my head. So… I am happy I am going through this and realising it. I do some occasional crying and yesterday I went to the doctor because I just could not carry my life myself anymore. I had gotten a insect bite and developed a big red ring around it so my hypochondriac mind jumped to ‘LYME!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!! DON’T WANT ANTIBIOTICS!!!!! THAT IS POISON!!! Also my liver hurts which obviously means I have cancer, no doubt.
Went to the GP, no liver cancer, no Lyme, other animal and the ring had already partially gone and turned brown and blue. Lyme rings would grow and be red and stay for days. Of course the hypochondria in me thinks the ring is diminishing because I took some homeopathic stuff against it and the Lyme will return in the future and nobody will believe me. Thanks to not drinking anymore I actually say these things to my GP now and the says: ‘No.’ That’s cool because then I don’t have to go a second time. 😀
It is strange. I actually think my intelligence is above average. And to realise again and again and again that this has NOTHING to do with, well, almost anything is baffling. And this mind-set on destruction, it is frustrating and scary when I am in it. It is strange when I am out of it. GP found that I have tenosynovitis (infection of the end of tendon) in my left shoulder and possibly my right hip too. Both are very painful but that is not the point: the point is that I have not done anything about it. While, out of all my friends I am the one with at least a hundred natural remedies for anything in the house and I did NOTHING for weeks while I wake up at night because of the pain when I roll over the wrong way. I sometimes cry because the pain gets to me and still I don’t do anything.
Self-destruction goes a long way. It is informative to find this out, for lack of another word. Stages of me learning: first comes realisation, then information and then healing. I’m not in the healing part yet so I can’t be happy about it yet. I do too little to make me happy lately. That is part of the self-destruction too. And it brings me down. Joy is good. I withhold myself from joy because I think I do not deserve it. And yes, another moaning, long post but I’m guessing this is what alcoholism is about for me: not taking care, self-destructing. And I need to find another way of dealing with this behaviour. I guess if I punish myself for doing and feeling stupid things I don’t have to feel ridiculous and powerless, alone.
The hypochondria I guess is something that comes with having a mom who developed cancer while kids are still young; which turns every mosquito bite in a possible tumor. Ooh, on mosquito bites: they don’t like me very much anymore. And if they bite it is only once and the bite is just a little red bump. NEW!!! NEW!!!! HAPPY!!! All of my life they have been after me and this summer: not. I can sit about in shorts and a singlet without worries. Guess it has to do with the Schuessler Cell Salts I have been taking. Homeopathic stuff is able to change things like this. Also, I read the hop in beer brings histamine in the body, so I guess allergic reactions to anything are bigger when drinking beer.
I am happy that I quit but I’m shaking in my stylish yet affordable boots; august 25th is the year anniversary, don’t want to fast forward to that time because sobriety is in the now but I notice these forces inside which are BIG!! Specifically the one saying: if you can make it to a year without any problems, alcohol is not your issue. And I do believe that is true. <- That is one of my biggest worries currently – I can not seem to find an intellectually satisfying answer to it. And I used to do the free, online alcohol desensitization training (;-) No I don’t have shares) but I had to make a new entry and the reminder mail now comes in another e-mail address an I am too low in self-care to actually open that.
I’m thinking I can not risk drinking if I don’t have an income. But that is not a good answer, that is calculating, I think calculating is a very addicty thing. It is within me. I can not risk it but (<- addict speak) somehow there is this pull to take me out of this time, out of what I am feeling out of the continuously aching shoulder, away from the liver pain that worries me, away from the gaining weight, away from admin, away from having to present myself for jobs, away from the pain I feel over being stupid and somewhere down the line falling in love with somebody who has no interest. AGAIN!
I have this destructive pattern where I always fall for people who exactly do not like me totally. My idea of love and friendship seems to be: they tolerate me until they throw me out. And I adjust my behavior to it. I notice I expect people to not like me. I behave like such. I always show off the nasty bits, overshare it looks like to just keep that awful dynamic of not being part of the group, not belonging, going on. My mom´s idea of me was very much: ‘I can’t carry you, you are too much.’ She would always moan when she lifted me as a child: ‘you are so heavy’. I was normal, often underweight, no heaviness going on, I loved to be lifted and cuddled and every time I got: ‘You are so heavy.’
Feeling back in time I guess that is where I learned forcefulness to get what I want, break through this wall. And now I continue to force myself to be exactly that; too much and I physically moved to the place where I am too heavy too.
Ha, on not belonging. I like the book store man because I have the idea he understands what I say, even the strange bits. Last week he comes up with; ‘I don’t know anybody who thinks like you.’ Kedeng, brain in overdrive. Not sure if was a compliment or remark or insult. Don’t think it was an insult, did check for it though. Don’t dare to ask either. My ego made me smile on the outside and on the inside everything that wants to be normal caved in. The FUCK!! He´s got a fucking book store filled with people who think strange (strangely?), non mainstream thoughts! He works for years in a store where truth be said, the weirdest people of the Netherlands walk in. I don´t want to fit out. I want to, be normal. I want to belong.
I am not strange the only thing that is strange about me is that I mention the strangeness in me and the rest of the world is too chicken to do so. And yes, sorry for that :-(. It’s not true and there were it might partially be true, it is not fair because I put it out there because I feel have not other choice. The weirdness in me is so confusing. I guess people who do not put their weirdness out in a blog have the choice to keep it with them. I don’t know. I just want to see what is left behind when I’ve put it all out here and can look at it from a distance. Peel the onion, or see what is on the bottom of the pit I’m currently in. Part of what I see now is that I am so convinced that I will never fit in that I make myself do and say stuff that suits that profile. Like writing long depressing posts. Gosh this is getting tedious!
I find my learning path lately lacks pink clouds and happiness, that is not sustainable. Life without joy is not sustainable. I need to go do stuff that makes me happy. Self care. And I would really, really enjoy an ayahuasca ceremony to sort out my connection to the world. The last Ayahuasca ceremony I did my Ayahuasca spirit and I set a date for another time where she would show me how I connect to the world. It is time for learning that. 🙂 And in between I should go looking for stuff which makes me happy. Just self-care until the real care latches on again I guess.
I need: self-care
I want: somebody else to do it for me. Ghegheghe… well, that’s how it is. 😀
I take: some homeopathic stuff against imaginary Lyme. 🙂 and chocolate, cheese, chips. Hmmm, I seem to be in my Ch period.
3 Things: going to the GP ask her to help me deal. Which enables me to write this post and look at self-destruction. It is not nice, it hurts, it is awkward, it feels uncomfortable but well, I’m guessing growth is there where it feels funny.
I found my intellectually satisfying answer to why not to drink after a year: quitting alcohol might not have been a tremendous obstacle but the addictive structure is BIG in me. I do not want to reinforce that because it is destructive. I do not want destruction, I want to live. Better get to it then. 🙂
You know. I’ve got it. I don’t give a shit anymore: if my heart wants to follow its way and be happy and love that is ok. That it is not received that is painful but there is no shame in that. The shame starts with the wanting and the needing and the covering up. Ok. Now I’ve got it. 🙂
If you are still here to read this after another way too long post with some depression, an insult (sorry for that 😦 ), despair and finally some insight, I wish you a very nice day / evening.
Just did a bit of self-care. 🙂 Watercress salad with cucumber, celery, carrot, orange slices, pecan (walnut would be nicer) and a neutral oil, orange juice, little mustard, honey, salt and pepper dressing. Good on me. Step 1 🙂