Yeah! My book ‘Depression free, naturally‘ from Joan Mathews Larson is in! Oooh, I love it! Got it as a present from the book store man for watching the store. Not that I’m so depressed but I do have mood swings. Ooh, you noticed? They have been there all my life and currently I’m thinking that I should just get a job and get it over with – which I guess is a very reasonable solution too. But somehow I’m not done with what (ever it is) I am doing so this is how it goes. The book also has beautiful info on hypoglycemia and different types in that. Loving it. 🙂 All this information, research bundled in one book. Imagine the time it takes to learn this on your own and then it is just here to absorb. Hmmmm. 🙂 Thank you Joan! 🙂 Thank you book store man! 🙂
Went to pick up the book today and ended up speaking with the book store man about his falling out the other day (plenty of posts back). How it had affected me and how I am still trying to learn to deal with it. How I, in my reaction I had internally immediately drawn a parallel between my mothers falling out (she had been overworked, depressed and seriously ill for years – that hardly does miracles for the mood :-/), my fear of that and his lashing out. By the way: the thing he was angry about was fair enough, I had crossed his borders and I should not have done so. We spoke about that too. And I understand he got angry, it’s just this lashing out, it was off the scale. He’s got this on/off switch when it comes to being angry. I believe the whole thought of saying ‘With that you are violating my borders and I do not appreciate that’ does not even cross his mind. But neither did I when he got angry. So… something with pot and kettle and black.
We spoke. I told him I was learning how to understand that this anger was about him, not about me. And thank god for the book store man: he could just listen to that and be ok with it. 🙂 It is funny how taking my place there and explaining this seemed to also repair the historical contact I have with my deceased mother. I could see our interactions in another light. Not totally there yet but there is something moving, breathing again. 🙂 I would advise you all your own book store man 🙂
I continued with that I had not worked out yet to not push the self-destruct button after this but that I had noticed I did. So he questioned me and we found out that when somebody is angry with me I think I do not have the right to live. This goes from not having the right to do as I do or says as I say to not feel as I feel or be as I am -> no right to live. And then I push the button so ‘with self-destruction at least I do something good’. It is a sad dynamic I have got going there. 😦
At one point the store man tried to tell me that this destruction was never intended. I did take my right to contradict him there and said that his lashing out had the intention to break things, to destruct. That was agreed upon, which is good. He said he had hoped to never be as angry again as he has been the past year. I wish the same for him. 🙂
I have been feeling through this, thinking about how and what and when. Anger, it starts with being somehow damaged, overwhelmed which causes me to fall apart internally. The falling apart ignites fear for loss of control and I need the force and organisational power of anger to put all the fallen pieces back together. Also, within anger I internally distance myself from what I don’t want which creates space I need, safety. Anger also brings up all these hormones which generally make us (me!) feel strong and secure. Good too. :-).
I am thinking that anger is about projection, generally we get angry over things we can not bear ourselves and therefore do not allow in others. Of course there is justifiable anger like when somebody I don’t know, does something illegal, mean, crosses borders. But as I see it most of people’s anger is… well more an expression of an internal clash, and a projection of that clash onto the other. Like how a perfectionist can get extremely irritated with a person who just lets it all hang. Or how a tight ass can dislike other people having fun. How a skinny person can be very judgemental of bigger people.
Melanie Klein has a theory on this, I hope I can explain it correctly: babies are not born stupid, they are socially well equipped and learn how to adjust their behaviour in order to survive / live from day one. They baby is totally dependent on the mother, the mother is heaven. Then, when the mother withdraws because of whatever reason, the baby learns. Since the mother is heaven, if the mother goes or is angry, the baby assumes he/she herself must be bad / hell / deserving of such bad treatment.
What I remember from the explanation I got on this is that this is the build in / organic / biological construction in which lays the basis for learning about right and wrong behaviour. I’m guessing shame and guilt are based here too. Currently thinking that if a parent punishes a child for unwanted behaviour that can be done by forcing guilt and / or shame on them. I guess what I do when somebody gets angry I immediately push the shame button.
So, back to Melanie Klein, order Brené Brown and possibly get my hands on something about disciplining kid, I’m guessing there is something there I have not looked at. Maybe, maybe I find something in there that tells me how to not push the self-destruct button. 🙂 But first my depression free book yeah! 🙂
I am happy that I quit even though by now I’m getting a bit tired of my slow progress. Guess that has to do with me having pushed the self destruct button and there with having given up on things. Hmmm. That would be food for another post.
I take: Aah! Expensive self-care: lazy sushi this evening; 1 avocado in pieces, half a cucumber in pieces, eco salmon and shrimps. And chocolate but I left the chips in the bag.
I need: to get to bed.
I want: to find rest in my head, not to run away from my thoughts so much. I’m only with my thoughts when writing. And even that would be an escape from the admin I have not done yet. This umbrella of denial surrounding me is still very strong. I wonder if a programme would have broken through that easier. Also, I am scared to let go because it is there for a reason. I am fearing that I can not deal with what I see when I am faced with the truth. But maybe, maybe…. that is just another construction of sorts. Guessing Bach remedies (aah, the fix from the outside!) could ease my way into this one.
3 Things; speaking about anger with the bookstore man and the insights and internal shifts that come with it, my new book and a new attempt at self care. 🙂
This learning stuff is difficult, thank you for being here with me. 🙂
I hope you have a good weekend! 🙂