In this video Amber Valetta (model, actress) speaks on addiction. I love her explanation of not wanting to experience and the feeling of needing things from the outside to cope. It is how I experience addiction. I do think she went a little deeper than I did. Or so I hope to think. 🙂
I am happy that I quit. As I learned yesterday; every bad sober day is better than the best drinking day. 🙂 And today is a strange day. After yesterdays post I sort of woke up today deflated. A friend of mine posted a picture of me on FB. It must be the first photo of me in the years I am on there. I approved but got negative reactions to my hair (half grey now) and weight. That hurts. It hurts because I feel negative about myself. I’ve been stuffing my face lately worse than I ever did: not eating dinner but eating a bar of chocolate. 100 Grams, 72%, eco but still. It’s the stuffing that bothers me. I am uglitizing myself on purpose. Trying to balance urges, taking out hatred of myself on me. That argument a few weeks ago with the book store man still teaches me a lot. First I learned; his anger is not about me, it is about him.’ I learned I can choose to pick up on the content and I can choose to pick up on the anger. I realise that during my life I have always internalized both.
Now I am learning what picking up on the anger does with me: I go into self-destruct mode. And this is what it looks like; overeating, hating myself for that, disliking my looks, going to bed too late, not caring for work things, finances, letting go of myself.
Slowly I am discovering where my emotions take me. That is good. As a few posts before I wrote that my goal in sobriety, I guess in life is to become transparent, clear, to not have all these pieces of hurt and misunderstanding of life between me and the outside world. So getting and idea on how it all works is good. Just not all too happy with what I find now. 🙂 Amber Valetta speaks of this beautifully.
If anybody has an insight on where to get more information on this self destruct mode I go into when meeting aggression I am much obliged.
I take: a little chocolate but also a whole lot of beautiful handpicked fruits. 🙂 Lovely.
I need: to get serious about life.
I want: things to be easier.
3 Things: sleeping in my own bed, cat with and beautiful weather and this beautiful video where Amber speaks from the heart.
Hope you have a nice day!