Amber Valetta speaks on addiction

In this video Amber Valetta (model, actress) speaks on addiction. I love her explanation of not wanting to experience and the feeling of needing things from the outside to cope. It is how I experience addiction. I do think she went a little deeper than I did. Or so I hope to think. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit. As I learned yesterday; every bad sober day is better than the best drinking day. πŸ™‚ And today is a strange day. After yesterdays post I sort of woke up today deflated. A friend of mine posted a picture of me on FB. It must be the first photo of me in the years I am on there. I approved but got negative reactions to my hair (half grey now) and weight. That hurts. It hurts because I feel negative about myself. I’ve been stuffing my face lately worse than I ever did: not eating dinner but eating a bar of chocolate. 100 Grams, 72%, eco but still. It’s the stuffing that bothers me. I am uglitizing myself on purpose. Trying to balance urges, taking out hatred of myself on me. That argument a few weeks ago with the book store man still teaches me a lot. First I learned; his anger is not about me, it is about him.’ I learned I can choose to pick up on the content and I can choose to pick up on the anger. I realise that during my life I have always internalized both.

Now I am learning what picking up on the anger does with me: I go into self-destruct mode. And this is what it looks like; overeating, hating myself for that, disliking my looks, going to bed too late, not caring for work things, finances, letting go of myself.

Slowly I am discovering where my emotions take me. That is good. As a few posts before I wrote that my goal in sobriety, I guess in life is to become transparent, clear, to not have all these pieces of hurt and misunderstanding of life between me and the outside world. So getting and idea on how it all works is good. Just not all too happy with what I find now. πŸ™‚ Amber Valetta speaks of this beautifully.

If anybody has an insight on where to get more information on this self destruct mode I go into when meeting aggression I am much obliged.

I take: a little chocolate but also a whole lot of beautiful handpicked fruits. πŸ™‚ Lovely.

I need: to get serious about life.

I want: things to be easier.

3 Things: sleeping in my own bed, cat with and beautiful weather and this beautiful video where Amber speaks from the heart.

Hope you have a nice day!

xx, Feeling

7 thoughts on “Amber Valetta speaks on addiction

  1. Go back to Brene brown
    Either the gifts of imperfection or I thought it was just me.
    I remember years back gaining weight and feeling like it was a protective mechanism. But in a harsh way. Your words ring very familiar.
    Self destructiveness has motivated me for years. I can feel it simmer up when I get over tired, hungry, overwhelmed.
    Noticing it helps, but it also make me disappointed In myself that I’m not past that. Argh. This is a hard topic.

    Again, I think it comes down to acceptance and compassion for yourself. You are doing big things. It is enough. Whatever it is.
    Try to have a day of gentle self care. Perhaps it will help you break that cycle.
    You are worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aah yeah, I’m not the only one. Thank you. Actually I spoke with the book store man today on what had happened inside me when he lashed out and how this continued within me (not blaming). It was a very good. Good for me to be able to express myself and be heard. πŸ™‚ Tiny repairs in this today feel like they repair major things in my personel history. Or possibly: I am changing my approach, taking my place. And am in this case heard instead of being punished for speaking. πŸ™‚
      Overwhelmed is a word that is being used in the English language a lot while people in the Netherlands don’t use the word, not in Dutch, not in English. I’m thinking the feeling is a taboo. Possibly also because in Dutch is hints towards rape too. It does not in English, does it? Or?
      Thank you for the tip. And yes, the tax refund is in so I am allowed a book, not? πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling


      • Overwhelmed is widely used in English.
        To mean stressed out beyond being able to cope.

        Although, like the word depression, it is overused. And loses its strength.


      • Yeah. But with the widespread use of the word comes knowledge of the state of being. Dutch don’t have that in their system. It is strange. It is the same with co-dependency; that is a non-issue here. Word not known, situation un known. We do have a co-dependency anonymous group though, but the AA circles are probably more international and educated than the normal crowd.
        It’s a funny situation. The other way around, we have ‘ziekte-winst’ which translates into ‘what we gain from being ill’ – I use it to find out why I drank, why I sometimes (a little too often) am rather sick, weak or nauseous than out there in the world. I have not found an English equivalent to that nor have I found anybody speaking of this principle. Have you?


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