I went to see a friend for a couple of days, help him with his new firm and clean up his house. He’s made a website for me so I might as well do something back now he’s very busy. Or, very busy…. not really getting organised I guess. 😦
My friend was out and I said I would continue cleaning. I had done the kitchen the evening before. It was beautiful weather so I started cleaning the windows outside. While trying to find cleaning gear I stumbled over a few bags of empty wine and beer bottles. Thought I’ld put them in the hallway to bring to the glass collection point together with the old papers and garbage. And so I continued, and looked for the cleaning stuff and never found it. I did find bottles; in the cellar, all over the floor, another 10 bags. In the side room, no space to walk anymore, bottles everywhere. another 6 bags full. In total there were 19 large, large bags of empty bottles and I filled up 7 crates too. Well, 3 of the bags were filled with soda bottles…. Then it worked out that in his city there is no glass collection point in every second street, as we have, so there they were… in the hallway, waiting for my friend to come home and take them with the car. Hmmmm…..
It was an odd situation. It was odd to spend an hour and a half finding and sorting glass in a house. Glass with a deposit thingy, glass without, plastic bottles. It was also odd to realise that it did nothing to me, no urges, no pangs, no nothing. I just wanted it out of the way because these bottles stock negative energy in my well, maybe not so humble opinion. Why clean a house and put back 19 bags and 7 crates of empty bottles. I could remember these situations to be huge, huge energetic barriers in my own house. Maybe projected, maybe not. And I only ever got to 3 bags because my house is smaller – no, because my shame was bigger, or? ‘Being an alcoholic is so much easier when living next to the glass collection point…..’
He said he felt awful about them but could not get himself to do it. I said ‘Don’t worry, I know how it is, for me it is easy because there is no tension attached to it. It’s not like I’m continuously thinking ooooh I should have done this earlier and I am so stupid that I have not done that earlier….’ Notice me trying to speak about it but doing a denial on the cleaning up. It is not about feeling stupid for not cleaning up, for me it was the feeling awfull about being addicted. And then I changed the conversation to a project of cross-cleaning: everybody finds it nice, good and easy to clean somebody elses house but to clean our own? No way! 🙂 We should all clean our friends houses.
And now I’m at home and I realise that I did all the denial for him by starting with a joke; ‘Now I see why you bought a house, not sure if you could have stored this empty bottle collection in your former apartment….’ Sigh.
I also did something new: I told him I had to quit drinking and that I did. He was not surprised but did not say anything smartass like ‘I thought you would have to…’ I remember when I drank and I would feel really awkward about this conversation. I actually guessed the fact that he hardly said anything meant that he was hiding his own embarrassment more. So I, I don’t know. I made it easy on him by saying that I noticed that I could not stop and that my ‘only drinking in the weekend’ worked out to be a weekend that started on Thursday and ran into Tuesday. He continued that he had noticed how earlier the description for alcoholic would be the amount of drinking that someone does but that it is now a bunch of things together like; thinking that you’ll take only 1 glass and then ending up emptying the whole bottle. He said that happened to him. I’m thinking his door to Lalaland has worn out hinges and closures too.
He never acknowledged me saying that I had to quit drinking. I sometimes think that people do not understand what it means that I had to quit. And I am guessing I do not want them to really understand it either because I tell it casually and say things like: ‘I have studied a lot into the subject of addiction in order to understand it better and to use this information to make not drinking easier on myself.’ I could have said: ‘I was drowning and reading and learning about my addiction and how it works kept me sober and afloat.’ I don’t do that. I find that I am already very brave and ‘good’ (yes, there is that….) that I told him. I don’t want him to know the nasty bits, I don’t really want him to know that I was drinking to excess and had no control. I want them to know that I was organised and in control and quit. Which is rubbish. Do I have to tell the nasty bits? Not sure. I feel I continue with denial. I also feel that forcing such a conversation on somebody and springing this 19 bags and 7 crates trap on him is hmmm, worthy of some denial / covering up / enough for one day. Or?
I told him that I was going through a rough patch before quitting and that I had taken my time to make this decision but I made it with my heart, mind and all my cells. He said he was not ready to quit. I replied that I guess that being ready to hand it all in is very important. He replied with ‘I know, I once started a diet and whole my heart was in it. It worked. Later I tried to do it again, half heartedly and it did not work at all, it actually made me gain weight.’
I continued with my theory on how moderation strengthens addiction. It is ‘my’ theory that when people (including me) moderate while being addicted, the neurological pathway of addiction is carved in extra deep by the joy/need/emotions we feel while anticipation the next ‘fix’. It is like with dogs: they learn best if treats for good behaviour are presented ever so now and then and not always. Looking for the treat keeps them alert, keen and ready to roll.
And what about me, now? I don’t know. I wrote this down in order to find out what about me. I’m sort of fine-ish with it. I told him about my pressure-cooking theory: life throws things at us, if we don’t deal the pressure in the cooker rises and I learned through the years to take the pressure off by drinking. I also said that to me the not drinking was not the issue, the dealing with life in a new way was. We were going to an ecological farm to get some fruits and he replied: but being out in the country side must also be one of those things, not? YES!! It is. 🙂 He said I must then learn to take pressure of in other ways. I said I am learning that slowly.
All in all it was a very normal conversation, it could have been about food or cars too. Strange. Maybe I made it so. Possibly we made it so. I tried not to want stuff from him. Not to want him to ‘admit’ or ‘see it my way’. Guessing I have learned something from having pushed the bookstore man. Every cloud has a silver lining. 🙂
I am happy that I quit eventhough I am currently going through a process that is upsetting, confusing. Well, see the last post. It is about trying to find the core me and find what is real about me and what is culturally determined, history, pain I hang onto. It is much like cleaning out the house. What is that, step 4 or so?
I take: chocolate, chips, codliver on toast = divine!
I need: hmmm, I don’t feel I need a lot, ooh, sleep, it’s past bedtime again.
I want: well, things to be easy of course and a love that solves all issues. I also want to learn to understand what it is I am going through. And I want the tax people to pay me back my money.
3 Things: cleaning my friend’s house, picking eco berries by hand, I had forgotten how good I am at that. Used to do it for my mom, nifty little fingers move quickly and carefully while picking delicate fruits. Twice the speed of other people. Maybe there’s a job there :-D. And seeing Rotterdam today. This has become quite an impressive city with beautiful architecture. Rotterdam has been bombed in the 2nd world war so it had no historical sites or skylines to protect and it being the largest harbour in the world (yes…. in a 16.000.000 people country, well, it could be second largest by now) there are a lot of international companies very willing to spend big money on buildings. 20 Years ago it was a dirty city but by now I felt like walking in an architecture museum. Well, things could be worse. Google Rotterdam architecture and look at the pictures :-).
I am happy that I quit, not really feeling it. Not sure why. Guess because I’m putting on kilo’s again. Ever since the bookstore man and I had an argument I’m stuck in a new bad habit of snacking and eating too much chocolate and chips. Nasty. It feels like I use it as a substitute addiction. I’m not looking at it, also because I feel these extra kilo’s protect me from making bad decisions like losing myself into falling in love badly. It’s like growing pubic hair -> that has been a very well working security that I won’t end up in somebodies bed suddenly. For the few (?) men reading this: pubic hair for women has been banned in the nineties. Everybody has their own level of grooming but if somebody says ‘I’m not interested in that guy.’ we girls ask ‘Did you shave?’ If she did, she is actually interested. Just so you know. 😉 But don’t hang on to that because since about 3 years there is a new pubic hair trend going on, has to do with the recession which stimulates common sense. It is the movement that picks up an/the insult (?) which is in hairless sexsymbols says: ‘If you want a hairless pussy, maybe you should not be dating women.’ Which is not about Sphynx cats, it is a way of dissing a man, telling him he’s not up for the job of dating adult women and between the lines calling him a pedophile. Miauw…
Further along these lines: currently big in fashion are androgynous catwalk models, women with moustaches and men with beards dressing like girls or women. There is the shock element in it and the fascination for genderconfusion and also the need for escape from what is thought off as an absolute given. Breaking taboos has of course always been the role of fashion.
Well, that is not about sobriety I guess. I hope you have a nice day/evening and enjoy being sober / clean!