🙂 Hi! I’m back or at least in another flow than I was lately. Yesterday I was still in the dark stream and found if I could not do what I needed to (admin) I might as well clean because I am finding out that Netflixing is not actually helpful. While cleaning I got a call for a job interview. YEAH!!! I’m back!! I’m thinking, if I can send 3 letters in this world in this financial day and age, and get 2 invites, I’m not a lost case after all. 🙂
And I got over my pride and said sorry to the bookstore man on the drama with which I ended our relationship. Not about the content btw, don’t think I will. We spoke. I am happy we spoke. He said something about having difficulty with the public(icty? what’s the word?) of the conversation we were having on his Facebook page. It was on destructive sexual patterns between man and women in this world.
Yes, yes, even when writing this I can hear you think ‘here we go again’. Sigh. Yes. I’ve given up feeling guilty about wanting to be friends with somebody who is also ‘making my life difficult’. In the end I learn more from him every second than I have learned from a lot of people in a lifetime and that is valuable to me. I am guessing I can now say: no matter how dark. It feels like I am learning to integrate the darkness. I have been all over the place lately but when I stop to really feel, I am content over the not having to run from the darkness I feared so much. I think I am/more running from the confusion that comes from the not having to run anymore and the realising that the solution of accepting what is – AND NOT ONLY THE NICE BITS – is so ‘simple’. When I stop to feel I feel like my whole left side of my body has come within my eh, awareness too. Internally I feel way more balanced actually since my realisation of the darkness. Hmmm. There is info here. Need to meditate on it. Well, the clash between him and me has introduced my demons to me. I am that. Still with a sidenote: too. 🙂
The practise is now not to project this friendschip further in the future to places which are not to be visited. Intention, intention, intention.
He’s heading into his rock-bottom, or has been living there for a long time. He thinks that using gives him release from that. I think that is true. I also think it causes at least a big part of his dark moods. He’s taking on all the worries of the world. That too to me is a sign of addiction. It took me a while to get it, and I often notice am still not there. But the serenity prayer touches upon a very important aspect: ‘God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.’
I am happy that I quit. I’m guessing if we would have met a year ago we would have joyfully covered ourselves in gasoline and put a light to it. That is a joke. Apart from that it is possibly not.
In these last weeks there is something in me resisting the thought that I can never drink again. Realising now that I have weakened my boundaries and only scan for urges and cravings and not for thoughts anymore because I thought these had been dealt with. Not so apparently. Need to realise: I don’t have to not drink in the future. I’m not drinking now. That’s enough. No need to stretch myself thin into the future. 🙂
Ooh, I went to see a friend of mine yesterday. She works at a restaurant. There was no drink thought or don’t drink thought in me till I was at least half an hour there and she drew a beer from the tap in front of me. I was staring at it and in my head I was pushing it away. I suddenly realised that this was an odd thing to do. Only THEN came the thought ‘Aaaah, desensitization training!‘ ‘Aaah, this is beer!’, ‘Aaah I don’t drink beer!’, ‘Jeeeez! I have been here for half an hour and had not even noticed that there is alcohol around!’ Part of the alcohol desensitization training is pushing a picture of an alcoholic beverage away from me by using cursor keys. 🙂 Cool! So! To me this is proof that the training has effect. 🙂
So, happy that I quit. And I dreamed of seeking help AGAIN last night. My father had build a house by himself and it went waaaaaaay up in the sky, something like a 50 storey building. I wanted to go to the attic of course. I want to be high said the addict :-D. But when I got there and had been hanging around for a while I wanted to go down because the toilets were downstairs and also, apart from the thrill of climbing up there, there really was not a lot to do, see or experience.But I was afraid to come down because it was a sort of fly trap kind of building and the stairs could only be reached at great difficulty and I was afraid to fall down.So I walked around for a bit and realised that I was not going to change and needed help.
My mother was outside being all irritated and saying things like ‘I should have known you should not have build it that way. I told you so. And I told you not to go up there and now you are. And see what comes from it.’ My father had been drinking one beer and against his own principles still climbed up to help me get down. I was thinking: can I trust your insights when you drink? He brought a rope and we both tied an end to our waist and both jumped out of the window on either side of a sturdy pole. We slid down the very steep roof. Fucking scary but it worked. If one were to not jump at the same time the other one would have been pulled through the wrong window and we both would have plummeted to our deaths.
Of course this dream is about me, on the subject of looking for adventure, asking for help, the dynamics between my parents and the way I think that my parents ‘know/knew’ about my drinking. My mother thought it was my father who set me up. I’m not so sure. I’m not sure either what about the jumping because I would, in real life, never do it. But maybe, maybe, maybe…. that is exactly the point. 🙂 And I don’t know from there on.
I need: to keep my wits together this afternoon with the job interview.
I want: things to be nice and easy so maybe I should stop worrying and just do what I have to do.
3 Things I am content with: being able to say sorry to the bookstore man about my part of the argument. And being well received in that. There’s a thing with people who are quick to anger, they seem to accept that from others as well. I’m all not for the accepting. 😀 Gheghgehe, guessing that makes it so difficult for me to deal.
Also very excited about the job interview. The lady on the phone said: ‘We got a lot of inappropriate applications but yours is looking very good.’ 🙂 Still need to meditate on my mindset and prepare.
I take: less chocolate, less chips and more healthy food and drink.
Ooh NEW: my eyes are clearing up. As a teenager I used to have these bright, clear, light grey eyes. The older I got the more they changed and before I quit people could not even work out the colour anymore: grey/blue/green with a lot of brown dots. Now the brown dots are disappearing. NEW!!! I think that in the science of reading irises that is a good sign. Also, my white is getting whiter and more defined around the iris. And my eyes look nice. NEW!!! When I now look into the mirror into my eyes now I like what I see. NEW!!! Gone is the disgust and (most of) the guilt, the shame, and specifically that look of not wanting to be here. And I can say I have beautiful eyes and be happy with that. 🙂
And, not sure if I mentioned that already. It is very hot in my country currently and so it was last year but now….. I still have ankles. (NEW!!!) Last year my calves ran straight into my feet. That is not bothering me anymore which means that my kidney and I guess my heart are working better. (NEW!!!!)
Hope you are having a nice day / evening.